Table for One Ch. 02

Raine. I never believed, never expected, that a simple name could conjur up as many feelings as hers did. Many nights I would lie awake wondering if she and her brother were able to form any kind of relationship. Most probably not but that didn't stop me hoping for it for Raine's sake.

God she was so beautiful.

I have to admit the whole situation had me questioning just who person I thought I was actually is. I was turned on by someone who looked and behaved just like a woman, who was a woman at heart, so was I a lesbian after all? Was the fact that Raine just happened to have a piece of male appendage a technical glitch?

I found myself pretty much confused. My thoughts and questions sent me to the internet to get answers for both myself and to understand women such as Raine. I wanted to understand the right wording, the right terms to use, the right way to talk about it. I wanted to know everything.

The more I read, the more I cried... for myself. For the first time ever I was beginning to understand why I was never truly happy within a relationship with a man. I spent my time trying to be something, but more importantly...someone... I'm not. Trying to please him and forgetting the bigger picture. It was ok to be exactly who I am.

It'd been three weeks since I'd seen her but she still entered my mind every day and more than once I found myself wishing that I knew where to find her.

I wasn't really expecting a match made in heaven or anything like that. Ok, maybe I was, she already knew I thought she was beautiful, but I had to be realistic too. Just as there were many people in the world who wouldn't ever accept transgender as normal, there was also the ridicule that I knew happened because I'm a big woman. There was nothing saying that even though Raine was my kind of woman that I was anything like her idea of the perfect life partner... but there was nothing saying that I wasn't.

I just... God how do I explain this without sounding pathetic? I needed to know if I'd built this woman up into something that I wanted her to be rather than who she actually was. I wanted to get to know the person behind that beautiful face. I wanted to talk with her about her life and truly understand. I wanted... Ugh! Who am I kidding? I wanted Raine.

For three weeks I followed the same routine having my coffee break at my favourite coffee shop. Every day at the same time I'd sit at my table for one and try not to watch every person walking through the door. I'd try not to stare at women who reminded me of her as they passed by the window.

I knew I was being foolish but if you've ever wanted to be with someone then you know as well as I do that acting foolish is part of the manual. In fact, I'm pretty sure that it's a part of the conditions imposed in getting the manual in the first place. I'm a straight woman who fell for a woman whom I finally got to see again; just when I was ready to give up.

I won't forget that day. The day when the waitress said "Usual table for one?" and a voice behind me replied before I got the chance to do my usual inward cringe and reply with 'yes'.

"Table for two."

I turned and there she was. Standing right there. She was there! I couldn't believe it.

"Hi Carol"

I was so stunned I couldn't speak. I honestly didn't expect to see her again. I wanted to, hell after all my ramblings even you know I did.

"Carol? Is everything ok?" her hesitant voice had me nodding and suddenly grinning.

"Everything's great."

Moments later we were sitting at a table together. Our coffee ordered and looking at one another.

"I'm sorry about that back there. I honestly didn't think I'd see you again."

Her eyes sparkled and she was grinning at me.

"There was no way in hell I wouldn't have come back to find the woman who told my brother he had to grow balls. That" she pointed at me "was extremely naughty and absolutely perfect!"

"I hoped I didn't offend you."

"Oh honey, what you said, what you did for me" she reached across and placed her hand over mine "you'll never understand how much that meant to me."

I was in heaven. My heart was racing as the warmth flowed from her hand to mine.

"I only did what was right."

She shook her head sadly and sat back, her hand leaving mine and immediately I felt the chill from the loss.

"No. Many people know right from wrong but few ever speak out."

"Did you and your brother sorts things out?"

I saw the tears form and she shook her head. "He was married last weekend" she paused and inhaled "I was uninvited."

"Uninvited? How... sorry that's none of my business."

"It's ok. The day we met you, Stephen was here to give me an ultimatum. I could go to his wedding as Peter but not as me."

My heart broke at the deeply sad expression she wore.

"I'm so sorry. That kinda sucks."

She laughed softly before replying in a serious tone.

"Nope. It totally sucks... big ones.. obviously not Stephens though because... you know... tiny ones."

My mouth dropped open and seconds later we were laughing so hard and loud the waitress asked us to 'keep it down' when she brought our coffees over.

"So. Carol. Tell me about you."

"Not that much to tell. I work. I go home. I love to cook and trying new recipes. That's pretty much it. I'm pretty boring really."

"No great love?" she asked.

I shook my head. "No, none. Not now anyway."

"What happened?"

We spent the next few minutes talking about my ex and the reason for our break up.

"Well he's a first class arsehole if you ask me" Raine's face held a scowl "obviously the problem is his. He didn't care to start with and then he did? What an arsehole!"

"It's taken time to get over it but I'm really ok with it now."

"mmmmm" Raine pursed her burgundy lips into fine lines "you shouldn't have to get used to it though."

I shrugged "When you have a body like mine you really don't have a choice."

"Don't. Don't do that!" Raine scolded.

"Do what?" Honestly I was confused by her reaction.

"Don't put yourself down like that. You're a beautiful woman and any man who doesn't see that is an idiot."

I sat stunned. My head was going crazy. So many questions flicked across my mind's eye but the one that kept pushing itself was the one that I blurted out and immediately wished I hadn't.

"Would you go out with someone like me?"

Raine's eyes opened as wide as saucers. I wanted to rip out my tongue, put it through the nearest mincer and feed it to the first cat I saw! The silence from Raine told me everything I needed to know. She wasn't attracted to me like I was to her.

I stood up and grabbed my handbag. With actions I didn't really register I took the money out for my coffee and handed it to the passing waitress. I had to leave. I had to get out of there before I made a fool of myself and broke down in tears.

"I'm sorry. I have to go."

I pushed out my chair and moved towards the door. Raine grabbed my arm.

"Carol please... "

I shook my head and pulled away.

"I'm sorry" I whispered "I should have known better."

"What? Carol.. no honey. Please..."

I couldn't handle the idea of hearing the usual crap. The usual 'there is someone out there but its not me' crap. The crap that said how beautiful I am and some lucky guy would love me forever. I left the coffee shop without looking at her again. The last thing I knew of her was the waitress telling her she had to pay before she left.

Somehow I found myself on a bus. Hell I wasn't even sure where it was going but being in the city I knew it'd be easy to work out what buses I needed to get home. I'd call work and tell them I was sick and had to go home.

I didn't look back. I wanted to. I wanted to see her one more time, just once, but I didn't want to look pathetic in doing it.

If only I had. If only I'd looked I would have seen Raine waving her hands at the bus trying to get it to stop.

But I didn't. I kept looking ahead... though not really seeing the road. I just wanted to go home, go home and forget. Go home and curl under a blanket and eat a bowl of icecream.