That Fickle Thing Called Love

One of the most frequent questions I am asked as a practicing psychologist is how to tell love from infatuation, or harder still,"strong like." There are no easy answers when you are talking about a quality which defies any attempt at scientific definition. Nevertheless, here are some observations from one who has been there and back, and lived to tell about it!

1. Love does not equal sex.

On the surface, this seems to be common sense, but many people continue to be fooled. After all, when one is basking in the warm afterglow of an intense lovemaking session, it's a bit hard to believe your partner may have just been horny and looking for a fun quickie. Let's face it, a certain amount of the sex act is purely mechanical in nature, and it is absolutely possible to have fabulous nookie with a complete stranger. Good sex can be the foundation of a mature relationship, but does not solidify a beginning one. Thus, the social phenomenon of unwed teenage mothers. Smooth talking men conned them into believing they would always be there, but that convenient little tale went south after the bundle of joy arrived.

Sex has many functions, and in the ideal situation, is the logical progression to a climax, figuratively and literally. But sex does not necessarily "obligate" a person to anything further and this is how individuals get themselves in trouble. For example, if you ask a sample of people why they had sex with their most recent partner, you can get a wide gamut of responses:

"I wanted to see if I was better than her last lover."

"I never had sex with a guy that good looking...just had to find out if there was a difference."

"I was extremely horny and she was a little drunk..."

"He forced me to have sex...I wasn't in the mood."

"I wanted to prove once and for all that I loved him."

None of these have anything to do with True Love, yet are common reasons one chooses to have sex. Thus, be cautious in assuming that once sex is introduced everything is golden. If you rush into a relationship from an insecure position, the only part of the Bluebird of Happiness you will see is the bill!

2. Love is not infatuation.

Unlike love, which defies attempts at neat packaging, infatuation is simply defined. In a nutshell, you are infatuated with someone when you define your happiness based on some superficial aspect of that person, e.g. big breasts, a full head of hair, or an eight inch penis. You don't know the individual at all, so you rely on overt physical attraction which is merely one piece of the love puzzle. While I'm not knocking physical attraction, it is very dangerous to make far reaching conclusions based on someone's looks. I learned this the hard way about 10 years ago, when an exceptionally good looking man took an interest in me. Of course, a quick infatuation on my part ensued, fueled by his unctuous flattery and a large dose of my own insecurity. My new found "love" soon revealed a sarcastic and unpleasant side, but I was too far up in the clouds to notice. Only after being belted across the face did I suddenly realize the object of my infatuation was a complete jerk. It is very easy to be fooled by pretty faces and phony charm, but true love easily transcends both.

3. Love takes time.

Show me one whirlwind romance leading to a lifelong committment and I'll show you 100 long term relationships that took years to develop and solidify. A human being is complex, an intertwined web of contradictions and contra-contradictions that often defies analysis. Does anyone really think they can "know" someone in a couple of weeks, especially enough to make marriage vows? People are on their best behavior early in a relationship. It's only later, when they start taking their potential lifelong mates for granted that the guards are let down and the rats of Hamelin released.

One thing I recommend all people in the early stages of a relationship do is deliberately get their "date" a little bit upset and then stand back to see what happens. Notice the phrase "little bit." I don't want any chipped teeth or cracked heads. It is invaluable to know if your new found friend has a temper or not and how he or she handles frustration. I cannot think of a lifetime that does not have its trying moments, so such information is absolutely critical. My sister ignored this advice at first, then finally gave in since I had noticed her boyfriend could be possessive. Well, after being chased across a parking lot with a butcher knife for five horrible minutes, I got a tear stained note and an apologetic phone call. There is nothing to be gained by plunging head first into the relationship pool. Tread a little water first before trying the deep end. Real love can wait, and indeed tends to result from a slow but steady appreciation of a kindred human being.

4. Love does not mean ownership.

With the possible exception of the master-slave relationship, which I will discuss shortly, love cannot flourish in a constricting environment. In all phases of life, a love that is forced is most unhealthy, from a mother who smothers her son with misguided affection to the man who "buys" love through expensive diamonds and mink stoles. Since most people are very insecure, they tend to hang tightly to love, as if they were in danger of losing it any minute. But alas, the harder they hang on, the more tentative their hold was in the first place. Love develops its own way on its own schedule. Any attempts to disrupt the natural flow and beauty of a truly mutual loving relationship are doomed to failure. Although it may be trite, there's an old saw that seems pertinent here:

"If you love something let it free. If it returns, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, it never was."

5. Love notices everything.

Yup, if you are really in love, you notice everything about the object of your desire. The fact that she was wearing a turquoise sweater yesterday, but today it resembles aquamarine; the observation that his hair is parted a LITTLE more to the left today than it was yesterday; the notation that her shirt is sticking out a fraction of an inch in the back....As a matter of fact, one sure sign that a relationship is headed toward that rocky road is when when one or both parties fail to notice the small stuff. Birthdays or anniversaries are forgotten, a new hairstyle makes little impression, and eye contact goes the way of the dinosaurs. Love means using ALL the senses to explore your object of affection. Tasting and smelling lovely body scents, seeing the most colorful eye candy in the world, hearing the finest words in the dictionary, and touching pleasure spots that previously existed only in fantasy. So, if you find yourself lingering on every aspect of a particular person, contemplate if you are going through the early stages of true love...

6. Love means marrying your best friend.

In a word, absolutely! All lovers started off as friends and should ideally end in that state as well. Sharing several common interests does not guarantee love, but can form the basis of intelligent conversation, which can lead to fun day trips, which can ultimately turn into long weekends of uninhibited delight. Because of this, it is generally to your benefit to join church groups, hobby clubs, and singles' get-togethers. When initially going up to a complete stranger, it's always easier to start a conversation on a topic of mutual interest. And although you probably won't agree on everything, at least you have an area which can form the basis of future get togethers. And future get togethers is where the love egg gets hatched. The longest and most fulfilling marriages I know of revolve around one or more common interests. Perhaps the couple owns a business together or plays duo-piano music. It's so much fun to explore a rewarding hobby such as gardening, and besides...things get done twice as fast when two people are involved!

7. The Master/Slave relationship.

I wanted to take a little time to explore the master-slave relationship, which may at first seem to be the antithesis of true love. However, I have seen such couplings be successful, although more committment is needed on the part of all parties involved. My concern is that slaves may be afraid to say they are tired/beaten/bored/unfulfilled for fear of losing face or much much worse. Their masters, on the other hand, may be jaded by barking out orders all day but don't want to risk appearing weak and thus continue the charade. When such relationships get to that point, I always suggests the parties switch roles completely for a full week. This is amazingly hard to do, especially for the masters, but is invaluable in pointing out we are all capable of every role, as well as revealing vulnerabilities that were previously kept hidden. Well adjusted master-slave relationships are rare, because it was the imbalance of one or both personalities that led to the power dichotomy to begin with. I am not suggesting that all master-slave relationships are at risk, just gently urging those in such liasons to carefully assess what is going on at all times...your happiness and perhaps your life may be at stake!

8. The homosexual relationship.

Unfortunately, true love is rare in the homosexual lifestyle, especially among males. Many gay men are only interested in having quick sex to get their rocks off, and couldn't care less about a relationship, never mind a friendship. It is the lack of true and sincere homosexual friendships that spells the death knoll for future relationships. Thus, what can a homosexual man do to attract the "real thing?" First and foremost, put yourself out there in the community, particularly gay owned and operated restaurants, clubs, meeting groups, and any other endeavor for a common purpose. Ignore the chat lines and internet dating services. They can be expensive, and 9 out of 10 people on them are just looking for quick sex. After meeting that special person, put off a physical relationship as long as reasonable since gay men appear to be conditioned to have sex as fast as possible, often to detrimental results. There are fewer gay people out there, so with a limited pool of potential lovers one needs to be far less picky, especially regarding looks. Don't worry about people sending pictures or superficial things such as hairy chests or weight. Most homosexual men need to get beyond looks as the driving force for everything and instead think of friendship as the building block to future liasons. This is going to be tough as gay men tend to define the world in terms of physical attraction only, and in doing so miss out on enjoying a large segment of people!

9. Ten indications love is in the air.

1. He remembers your birthday with a dozen roses.
2. She has a bad day at work so he cooks her a special dinner.
3. He makes you a huge plate of lasagna WITHOUT eggs, because he remembers you don't like them.
4. She writes a poem or story about you.
5. He buys you something you've wanted for a long time just to make you happy.
6. Conversation flows freely, and you both can't wait to share everything.
7. He respects and enjoys being with your friends.
8. Your parents are seen as nice people, rather than competition.
9. Cuddling is more important than sex.
10. All senses are heightened when you are together.

10. Ten indications love has flown the coop.

1. You barely talk, and the conversation is about the weather.
2. No one cares or even pretends to care about birthdays or other special occasions.
3. He tries to control who you talk to or see.
4. She refuses to be nice to your parents, who are seen as meddling and irritating.
5. Sex is mechanical, quick, and boring.
6. You argue about dumb stuff that never bothered you before.
7. One or both parties let themselves go, physically or otherwise.
8. She won't let you go out with your buddies, demanding you stay with her boring friends instead.
9. You no longer enjoy mutual hobbies of interest.
10. Both of you have a new circle of friends and see each other as little as possible.

I sincerely hope all of you find the "real deal" soon, if you haven't already, and HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!

Sack