That Which We Call a Rose

"My resignation from the job that has been part of this problem. I'll do anything, anything at all...."

I stopped as she slowly and very carefully tore my letter up into little pieces. Except for the sound of tearing paper there was absolute silence until there was a little heap of confetti on the table between us.

Penny looked at it and then up at me, "A good symbol of our marriage Tom. Only it was you and not me that reduced that to unwanted waste. You can't resign; you'll need a job. You've got some big expenses to pay in the coming months."

"Penny, please. I cannot imagine my life without you. I know I don't deserve you, but I'll do anything, anything at all. Counselling? A holiday? Separate bedrooms for a while? Anything you like. But please, please find some way to let me show you how sorry I am, and let's try to hold it together. Please, I beg you."

She looked up, "You wanted a divorce because you thought I'd slipped once or at worst, a few times in the last three months. But I'm meant to forgive ... what? Three? Four? Five years of betrayal? Years of lies and cheating? How could you lie to me so much? I couldn't bring myself to lie to you even now, I've had to watch my words very carefully in the last two days. No, Tom. I don't want to be married to you anymore. I don't want to be married to a man like you."

She sipped her coffee before she continued, "It's a problem of respect really. Respect and trust. You haven't respected me for years. Now I no longer respect you. But the worst thing is that I don't respect or trust myself anymore. I believed you when you looked into my eyes and told me that you loved me. When you told me that you had remained one hundred percent faithful, I was fool enough to believe you. It's not very nice to realise that you've been taken for a fool for years by the very person who you should be able to trust most in this world. I think I could have understood if you'd told me that you had slipped once, maybe twice. You are a very attractive man. I wouldn't have liked it, but I could understand that. What I can't live with is the lack of trust. Never knowing whether what you tell me is the truth or not. Sorry, Tom. It won't work, not for me and not ever again. I'd never know whether you were being honest, I'd never know whether I could trust you."

She paused and drank some coffee. Then she leaned back in her chair, "In a couple of months I'll be 29. A year later I'll be 30 and that's my target. I loved you so much, Tom, you were my life. Being divorced from you and finding a new life is going to be very hard. But maybe I can find a decent man who actually respects me and doesn't lie to me, that's all I want really. It's going to be hard, you are a big part of my life, of my thinking, but maybe by the time I'm 30 I'll be over you and ready to find that good man and lead a decent life. I will divorce you, Tom. I don't want you as my husband anymore."

"Is there nothing.... Please Penny?" Begging was all I seemed able to do.

"I've lived with this for months. I didn't believe it at first. But then there was the report on your trip to Holland. I'm surprised you didn't notice the redness of my eyes from crying when you got back from there. But Hey, I thought, it might just have been a one off. But then you went to Germany the next month, and after that there was no doubting it. Didn't you even wonder why I'd taken to saying to you, as the very last thing as you left for the airport, to not do anything I wouldn't do? And this last trip I told you to remember me and to remember that I loved you, and that you should think of me if you ever got lonely. I so desperately wanted you not to do it. But it was all a waste of time. I don't know why I bothered. You not only cheated, you cheated twice on two separate days in two separate hotels. You're a cold hearted ruthless cheater Tom. That's what you are; I've had to accept that. And I'm a gullible fool; I've had to accept that too."

She stood up and pushed her chair neatly under the kitchen table, "Do you know what the hardest thing was? It was Friday, when after I'd been to the solicitor to get the divorce started, I had to go to the doctor and ask for him to test me for every conceivable STI. That was humiliating."

------

Nick looked at me for a long time, he obviously saw a broken and sad man, and maybe he noticed the tear in my eye as I remembered that image of Penny as she left the kitchen that Sunday morning.

His hand squeezed my arm to comfort me, "Did the divorce go straight through? Didn't you try to get her to change her mind?"

I half smiled, "Of course I did. Phone calls and flowers and a couple of heartfelt letters were my weapons for about the next month. But it was useless. Eventually I backed off. I thought it better to try to become friends, then maybe one day...."

"And?" Nick prompted me.

"And I never let a birthday or an anniversary pass without a big bunch of flowers and a card that said I was sorry. I thought I was making progress; in the last couple of years she would phone me to thank me for the flowers. And we'd talk, not that she ever really told me much of what was going on in her life. If I wanted to talk about why we broke up, she would stop me and say that she didn't talk about it anymore to me or anyone else, it was all in the past and that was where it should stay. But last Saturday was her birthday, and I thought it might be time to try again. But not flowers this time, instead I sent her a nice birthday card that just wished her happy birthday and on Sunday evening I phoned her and suggested that I might take her out to lunch sometime this weekend coming. Not dinner, just lunch, nothing threatening. I heard her take a big breath and there was a pause, and then she said she was sorry, but she got engaged to some guy that I hadn't even known she was dating. Apparently he'd proposed when he took her to dinner on her actual birthday the night before, and this weekend coming up they were going to visit her parents to tell them. Any hope I had of getting my one true love back had just flown out of the window."

I turned to Nick, he looked so sad. I smiled as bravely as I could, "It's not that sad. I got what I deserved. I made my bed, now I've got to lie in it for the rest of my life."

He turned to me, "I hadn't realised how relevant your story is. I know you saw me eyeing up that blonde, and you're right, I was thinking that maybe I could get away with it. But I promise you Tom, I'll learn your lesson, I won't ever do anything like that again whilst I have my one true love waiting for me, my Polly. Thank you. Thank you so much. It must have been really painful for you to tell me your story. I promise you, I'll take it to heart." He finished his beer in one gulp and was gone.

I sat and stared at my glass. What was the point? How do you rebuild a life you purposely and stupidly destroyed? I didn't know where to begin to try and find myself some happiness.

Duncan picked up Nick's empty glass. "Has Mr Taylor finished for the evening?"

I looked at Duncan, "Nick Taylor? Is that his name?"

"Yes I think so. I've got one of his business cards back here somewhere." Duncan rummaged through a dish behind the bar full of bits and pieces, "Found it. No, we're wrong. Officially he is Dominic Taylor. I guess Nick is just a short form of Dominic. I didn't know that."

I smiled wryly, "And I didn't think. Polly and Penny are both short forms of Penelope."