The Billy Goat Hill Pundits

They decided to adjourn to the picnic area near the pool and drink a cold beverage in celebration of a job well done. People arrived with their folding lawn chairs and beverage of choice, still dressed in their dirty clothes, and got to know one another.

When the sky began to darken, Will stood up and announced that he was going to shower, get dressed, and go celebrate some more down on Sixth Street, and he'd enjoy having a few friends along.

About half of the thirty-something people in the cleanup crew decided that was a great idea and went to change, agreeing to meet at Maggie Mae's in an hour.

All cleaned up and wearing his good boots, Will took a seat on the uncomfortable couch and hollered at Lila to come on.

When she came out of her bathroom, he instantly rethought his evaluation of her physical assets. She was small - 5'3" or so - and slight - maybe a buck ten tops. She had very nice facial features and always looked pretty, if you like long straight hair and a fresh-scrubbed face.

All she normally wore, however, were loose, muted-color tops, baggy pants, and ratty canvas shoes. She looked like you'd want your little sister to look if you were responsible for keeping the wolves away; in other words, she was all but invisible.

Tonight, though, her hair was in a long braid, she was wearing makeup, blue eyeliner, lipstick, and a form-fitting V-neck red and black pullover shirt with tight black jeans and shiny black boots. He gawked long enough that she turned red and then got a bit defensive. "Quit staring at me like that!"

"I'm sorry, Lila; you caught me by surprise. I had no idea there was a babe hiding inside those baggy clothes! If you will join me, I'd love to be your escort tonight and help protect you from any predators you want to be protected from.

"Just a minute; let me grab my stick and pistol, because the way you look it will take both to fight them off!"

"You are as full of shit as a Christmas Turkey," she replied with a second blush. "I know I'm not much to look at, but I appreciate your lies."

Aghast at her response, he ordered, "Come with me, Little Girl!" and drug her in front of a full-length mirror in his bedroom. "Are you blind? That is one fine piece of... fine looking lady right there! Don't try to tell me you don't look like a petite model or an Audrey Hepburn-like movie star, because my eyes tell me you do! Don't believe me? Wait until Woody and the boys see you!"

The wide-eyed responses, catcalls, and whistles she got when they walked up to the van proved Will's prediction, and made the exposed portions of her chest, neck, and face turn dark red. Will thought she looked pleased, embarrassed, and defensive, all at the same time.

"Damn, Lila! Why are you hiding all that under those ugly clothes! You are a babe in sheep's clothing. We're going to have to get you out from behind that keyboard and up in front of the mike when we play live!" Woody enthused.

Still red, defensive, embarrassed, and pleased, she climbed into the van and sat on the third seat, behind Gary; Will hopped in and sat on the second row beside him.

The apartment complex had a few adults that were around Will and Woody's age, but the vast majority was younger than Gary and Danny, who were 26. Most were UT undergrad or grad students so they were used to balancing studying and partying, and tonight they had declared that they would party with their new friends.

Will realized that no one knew Lila's age and none had asked. She looked young in her grungy clothes, but dressed up she looked like a sophisticated lady in her mid-twenties. He resolved to find out at the proper time, not that it mattered.

The parked several blocks away, and were glad to find a spot. Woody led them to and inside Maggie Mae's. He had played there a couple of times when he was just getting started, and the manager and owner recognized him immediately. They hugged, reminisced, and insisted he and his entourage be seated at the table near the bar they kept reserved for VIPs. The first round was on the house, and when Woody informed them they would soon be joined by a score more, they moved some people and cleared more tables near them.

When they took the drink order, Will, the consummate beer drinker, asked if they served real margaritas, on the rocks, or if they were the typical weak fare from some machine? The waiter took offense at that, and assured Will they were neither from a machine nor weak. He ordered a margarita on the rocks.

Woody watched that exchange and exclaimed, "Oh shit! Watch your women and children: Will's drinking tequila!"

Gary responded, "There has to be a story there: what is it?" Woody laughed, "Let's just say that our taciturn friend can become quite loquacious, and more than a bit aggressive, when he imbibes a certain amount of Agave juice. We need to keep an eye on him and be prepared to hit him over the head with a chair, because he's been known to take no shit and use his combat skills in lieu of negotiation when in such a state."

They all laughed, trying to picture quiet, introspective Will as the life of the party and/or a fighter.

In all, twenty-two others from the complex joined them, and the bon homme in that area attracted more. By drink three, Will was indeed loquacious; he told jokes, danced with every woman in their little group, led applause for the band, and, after a fourth drink, talked them into playing a song so they could line dance. He then insisted that pretty much everyone in the place participate, and that got crazy on the dance floor. The band took a break and then flipped back to their staple - covering the rock bands of the 1970s-80s, and the dancing again commenced

***

Will awoke naked, with a churning stomach and a headache that had an aversion to light and sound. When he was able to see again, he discerned that he was in his bed, it was light outside, and he could smell a strange mixture of perfume and frying bacon. He tried to get up, but both his stomach and headache demurred, so he lay back down and closed his eyes.

"Are you alive?" a female voice asked a few minutes later.

"Barely. Who are you?"

"You don't remember the love of your life, the one to whom you promised all kinds of rare pleasure and delight if I would only come home with you?" She handed him a glass of water with three ibuprofen, and signaled him to answer.

"Sorry; tequila does that to me sometimes. Did I deliver?" he asked after her swallowed the drugs.

"Hah! You are only alive because Lila supported you on one side and I supported you on the other to get you from the van, down the stairs, and into the apartment! You did giggle and tickle us when we started taking off your clothes, but as soon as we got you naked, you staggered into the bathroom and worshipped the porcelain god for about a half-hour. You finally crawled back and got in the bed, but you were snoring before you could teach us any of the tricks you promised!"

"Us? Lila helped you undress me?" "Of course! She was a trooper, even though she was a wee bit lit also. Well, so was I and everyone else, because YOU JUST HAD to do rounds of lime-salt-tequila shots at mid-night!

"Luckily, Danny refused because he had to drive, or we'd all be sleeping in the van on 4^th street."

"I'm sorry about all that, unknown beautiful blonde person. In fact, I'm sorrier than I can express in my near-death state. Now, can you tell me your name?"

"You really have no idea, do you? I'm Lina - Karolina Novak. I'm another musician trying to make a living in Austin. You picked me up, literally, and carried me back to your table to be introduced to your friends. Do you remember any of this?"

"Vaguely, maybe. I see snatches in my poor, throbbing brain, but..."

"You two come eat!" Lila called. Will got up, stretched, saw Lina smirking and realized he was still butt naked. 'Too late to worry about that', he thought before pulling on some clean boxers and reaching for a tee shirt.

"Nope, no shirt; give Lila a thrill. She really perved on your naked body last night. I thought she might suck you hard and take you for a ride, and when I started to climb in bed with you she went all green-eyed monster and made me sleep in her room with her!"

"I can hear you! Stop lying and get in here or I'm going to throw your eggs, bacon, and biscuits away!"

Lina giggled.

Will recovering a little, asked, "So she wanted you in her bed? Are you two lovers now?"

"No, although she is cute and I'm not above a little bi-exploration. She has a gigantic crush on YOU, dumbass!"

Will was incredulous. He was about to ask more when Lila showed up in the doorway, dressed in a big tee shirt that didn't quite cover her light blue panties, exposing what Will realized were slender but shapely, smooth, and unusually long legs for a little girl. He wondered why, after weeks of walking around in old sweats, she was suddenly a sex kitten.

"You two are going to come eat RIGHT NOW! I'm not going to allow Lina to keep telling you lies about me!"

"Wait! Are you twins? I swear, standing side by side you are the mirror images of each other, but with different hair color! Hell, even your names - Lina and Lila... You are the same size, you both have those lovely legs, tight round butts, and perky little titties above tiny waists! You have to be kin!"

Lina pulled Lila through the door, put her arm around Lila's waist, and walked arm in arm with her toward the kitchen. She looked over her shoulder and whispered loudly to Lila, "He's watching our asses - wiggle that cute little butt for him!"

They both giggled and wiggled, and broke out in laughter when they saw Will's willie climbing through the fly in his shorts. He blushed, pushed it back inside, and followed like an obedient pup.

The girls ogled him as much as he ogled them during and after breakfast. They made him wash dishes, and critiqued his body while he faced the sink. He threatened to throw a glassful of cold water on them if they didn't stop, which caused them to laugh and run off to the bedroom together. Lina stopped at the door and admonished him, "Go get dressed! Woody wants us at the studio in 20 minutes for practice!"

Will had never seen this side of Lila. Instead of quiet, withdrawn, and bordering on morose, she was suddenly giggly, flirty, and playful; Lina had quite an influence on her, he thought.

Then it hit him: 'for practice?' Was Lina joining the band? That raised so many questions, but, based on the few minutes he'd been around her, this should be quite an adventure!

Woody could play a few things beside guitar, like keyboard and trumpet, but he was primarily a guitarist. Will, who wasn't even a professional musician, played only guitar, and Danny was a drummer. Lina played the violin like a virtuoso, then switched to fiddlin' and sounded like Charlie Daniels.

After that short demonstration, she told them she was just as good with a banjo and steel guitar.

The versatility of Gary, Lily, and Lina meant the band could configure itself many ways and could play just about any kind of music. Woody, Gary, and the girls were gleeful as the morning turned into afternoon; they continued exploring their abilities and gushed creative juices.

Starvation overwhelmed creativity about two, so they walked across to the food trucks for a late lunch, sat at a picnic table under the shade of an ancient live oak, and relaxed. Lina brought a folder with her, and she quietly talked with Lila as they looked through it.

Twice they looked speculatively at Will, and then Lina began, "Will, do we have to get you drunk again to hear your story, or will you tell us sober? Because we're about to go buy a bottle of tequila and some limes if that's what it takes.

"No one can carry the burden of the pain, anger, and angst we feel when we read your songs without talking about it, but Lina says you've never said a word when she's around. So, are you going to spill, or do we need to hit Twin Liquors?"

Woody took a look at his buddy and said, "We got a lot done already. Let me buy some beer on the way back to the apartments and we can gather on my balcony. I have plenty of chairs, and I agree, Will; it's time you told your other friends your sorry story."

Music from Woody's first album was playing softly; the breeze stirred the warmth of an April day in Austin, and everyone turned their attention to Will. "I don't have much to say. If you arrange my songs chronologically, you know the story of my adult life. Woody left and made it big in Nashville with the songs we wrote in high school. I married the homecoming queen and settled down with a good job making ridiculous money working for her daddy. We had beautiful babies that the gloating grandparents couldn't spoil enough, and I completed my undergrad in night school and online.

"I loved my wife with all my heart, and she did too: that was the problem. Her mom and dad warned me, and I knew it deep inside, but she claimed she loved me so much we just had to get married. I was 18 and hormone driven, so we did.

"She was the perfect mate for a couple of years, and a wonderful mother to our infants. Once they got past toddler, however, she wanted them in the care of a nanny or day care.

"She needed a new car every year or two; she needed a new house because our three/two wasn't big or nice enough. She needed new clothes, new jewelry, and tons of shoes. She encouraged me to accept promotions so I could make more money and we could have nicer things, but resented me being gone the amount of time the jobs called for. She hated for me to travel, but insisted I become the regional manager even though her dad and I both told her I would have to travel more.

"And that is when she became a shrew, and then a cheating shrew, and then The Bitch from Hell. Her dad and mother all but disinherited her when she took up with Brad the Rich Turd and filed for divorce citing 'mental cruelty'.

"When she got an injunction keeping me from my kids by claiming I beat them, they were aghast because they knew I was a doting father who would never hurt a child! But when she stopped letting both sets of grandparents see their grandkids, her parents folded and stayed silent about her outrageous claims.

"Some of you may not have the stomach for what's coming, but my agreement with Woody is that we will cut an album to be called 'The Dregs of Humanity'. It will address things like child abusers, child molesters, charlatans, narcissists, megalomaniacs, inveterate liars, unrepentant cheaters, and the corrupt politicians and judges that enable them.

"The underlying purpose of the album is to destroy my ex-wife, her lover, and their enablers.

"The primary purpose is, of course, to make a bunch of money, so we walk a narrow ledge. We want it to be commercially successful, and we don't want to get sued. If it's seen as spiteful and/or whiny by audiences, both purposes will be lost.

"So...creativity matters, and having so many versatile people involved means that we can embark on this effort. We're seeking a new and borderline-unique way to tell my story and destroy those who sought to destroy me.

"Yeah, I know, melodramatic, but I don't have any other way to strike back."

"Are we talking Willie, Michael Martin, and the boys abandoning Nashville for Austin or Rubber Soul / Pet Sounds kind of 'borderline unique'?" asked Gary.

"I'm unafraid because I have nothing to lose; we need to turn to our fearless leader, who himself is seeking rebirth, to make that decision," Will replied.

Woody was thoughtful for a few moments. "Boys and girls, I'm excited about being super creative...but the end game is we have to make money or this will be a short-lived experiment. My core following is hard-core country fans who like their music as rough as they like to think they are. The label's efforts to turn me into a pop country star were a miserable failure; the teenyboppers didn't come, and my fans booed - ask these guys about the last three stops of the tour.

The Billy Goat Hill Pundits will develop their own following over time, but we need my fans early on, and add to them. If you aren't familiar with my first album, give it a listen so you know what they like.

"Haha - and then you can listen to my second and know what no one likes!"

It was Will's turn to look thoughtful. "'Billy Goat Hill Pundits', huh? I like it! The rest of this bunch, however, has no idea. When we gonna go give them a dose?"

"I'm waiting on you; don't want to lose my bass guitar player to a jail, and I'm not sure of your status vis a vis the legal system. My uncle already said the ranch house is ready when we are; you ready?"

"I was born ready! As far as I know, the Kangaroo Court has no interest in me, but I can check with Robert if you want. If he says we're okay, when do we leave?"

Woody asked each band member; each shrugged and replied 'whenever', so he asked, "Around noon tomorrow? It's a three hour drive."

***

The instruments were loaded in the van by 11:30, and they started south. Gary and Danny were in the van, the others in Woody's tricked-out Megacab Ram diesel with Will at the wheel, Woody riding shotgun, and the ladies in the big back seat. Woody used the Bluetooth to play his first album from his phone and the others critiqued what they heard. Then he played the second, and they did the same. The second drew a lot more critiquing.

Their only stop was for groceries, beer, and ice at the HEB in Pleasanton; the beer alone took up a third of the pickup bed. They bought three KODI ice chests to hold the goodies. The 75 quart cooler was used for the ice, a 50 quart was for the beef, pork, chicken, bacon, and milk, and the 38 quart wheeled cooler was filled with beer and ice.

An incredulous Lila asked if they were staying a month; Woody replied that we bought enough for a three-day stay, but made allowances expecting that they would have some visitors.

The ranch house was on the Frio River near Tilden, only a few miles from Choke Canyon Reservoir. The river was full due to back up from the lake, making it an oasis in that part of dry and dusty south Texas.

This was the introduction to the Brush Country for the girls from Tennessee and North Carolina, and the boys from Kentucky and Georgia. Woody and Will knew there were only two possibilities: they would love it or hate it. That was true for natives of the Brush Country as much as for outlanders, and far more local kids left than stayed or came back after college.

While the Hill Country, Austin, San Antonio, and the other urban areas in Texas grew far too rapidly for the home-growns, south and west Texas had slowly declined in population - until a retired petroleum engineer figured out how to frack oil shale. Now there were more people and far more traffic than the locals wanted, but they certainly welcomed the business, and the land owners certainly welcomed those royalty checks.

Woody and Will watched their bandmates and were pleased to see that none had 'that look'; the one they had seen so often, that meant 'get me the hell out of here'! They looked at each other, smiled, and nodded.

They drove around the ranch in a three seat ATV, looking at the cattle, horses, deer, blue and bobwhite quail, Javalina, Caracara, hawks, and wild hogs. The newcomers were suitably impressed, and the ice chest full of ice and Lone Star - because they were, after all, in south Texas - got lighter and lighter. By the time they got back to the river and house, everyone was happy and talkative, and Gary had to restock the beer cooler.

Will grilled fajitas while the others diced tomatoes and lettuce, and sliced avocados. Woody made fresh salsa using serrano peppers. To the chagrin of the Texans, the southerners initially called them wraps, but quickly got the idea that these were fajita tacos when the salsa and Pico de Gallo kicked in. Beer drinking increased proportionately to the heat of the peppers.