The C&s Club Pt. 05

"Clair, let's sit down — I have something I need to tell you."

"Shannon, if it's about the fact that you and Aaron are in love, I already heard you say goodbye and that you love him. You forgot just how small this apartment is. Come here you silly fool and give me a hug."

In a flash, all my stupid worries and embarrassment go up in vapor. I do give her the hug and feel the load of deception lift off my shoulders. "So you heard most of my side of the conversation?"

"Pretty much — enough to know it's serious. How long has this been going on?"

"It started right after we moved up to the job site. Aaron couldn't get enough rooms on-site for the portable housing he planned for, so he rented an apartment for me and him. The other two guys are in a two bedroom portable unit."

"That sounds convenient, you sure he didn't just say that?"

"No, Aaron's not like that. He's honest and a no bullshit kind of guy."

"He's your first guy, right?"

"Yeah, except for a little messing around with a couple of guys when I was in college here."

"And you're happy?"

"I can't describe it Clair. Not only am I happy when I'm with him — I'm miserable when I'm not. This trip has made it clear that I really do need to be with him. He's so nice Clair — and he worries about you almost as much as I do. He wants you to consider staying with us at his house — it's a beautiful place. You'll love it. He's not like any guy you've ever known. He's got a degree in electrical engineering and has his own business. What do you think, can you see giving it a try at his place? I mean, we might be able to scrape up enough money to rent you something up there — but why?"

"I trust you Shannon, if you say he's a good man then I'm willing to believe you. I mean, I am a beggar and beggars can't be choosy, right? But right now, I just don't think moving is what I need. "

"Just give it a try. It's what he thinks is best, and he's never let me down. He leads and I follow."

She gets up and comes to sit closer to me. "Let's not talk about moving anymore, okay? Shannon, I'm concerned about you too. I feel like I've known you were gay for years before you did. I swear, I think women can tell better than men — so are you gonna share your secrets with me now?"

"Like what kind of secrets?"

"The kinds of secrets women share about their lovers, silly."

"I don't know — I mean, you're my sister and I'm not a woman."

"Maybe not officially, but I know you Shannon — I know you were in my clothes while you were going to college here. Why are you afraid to tell the truth?"

"I was just messing around a little. A lot of guys do that."

'No. The only guys who do that are trying to touch that part inside that is female. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I have girl-friends who like to dress masculine for the same reasons. But if you want to keep lying and keep it bottled up, it's your life little bro."

"A few minutes apart doesn't make me your little brother. We're twins and have the same birthday."

"Whatever. Listen, here's the deal; If Aaron wants me to stay with you and him, is that something you are able to do? Or are you going to feel so awkward with me around that it won't work. Let's leave it at that and you think about it. I really don't want to do anything that makes what you have found with Aaron crack in anyway."

I know she's right, just like Aaron is right. "No, Sis, you're right. I've hidden this part of me for so long it's just become a habit, I think. So here's the whole deal. I'm Aaron's bottom. He fucks me almost every night and sometimes more than once a day. Clair, I'm gay — or probably more bi 'cause I definitely like women too. But right now, with Aaron, I don't see myself exploring the bi side. He's my man and I like it that way. There, now you know pretty much everything." To my surprise, she hugs me close and kisses me on the cheek.

"There, feel better now?"

I ponder her question for a moment, trying to weigh my feelings. "Yes, I feel better. I know honesty is the best way, but why am I still hung up and even ashamed of being a bottom guy — is it just me? Am I the only one who feels some shame at being the bottom. I mean I think the words bottom bitch are pretty common?"

"I get it, I really do. And I think it's harder for guys to accept that feminine part that they can't run away from — not that all gay bottoms are fem. For me, you know I'm bi too — but with women there isn't that false machismo, that fake big-man crap. We just accept ourselves more easily, I think. But here's what I think you should concentrate on; First, Aaron loves you the way you are and you love him. Second, you are the way God created you and who are you to question that? Third, if you won't — or can't — embrace and love yourself the way you are, then I don't think you'll be able to find lasting happiness. Shannon, just drop it. Please, I want you to be happy and I think Aaron is going to play a big part in that. He loves what you hate about yourself — it doesn't make any sense for you to hate what he loves. Please, just try to go with the flow a little more — be yourself and be happy."

"I'm not sure how this turned to being all about me. I'm here to try and help you, remember? Aaron's offered his house to you — do you want to move up there with us?"

"Here's the deal, it sounds to me like I'd be the third wheel if I went up there. I don't like the sound of that, to be honest. I really don't want to be a charity case."

"It's not that, and you know it. He's just offering you a hand up. What's here to keep you Clair?"

"I've got my friends and I know Tacoma. I'll find work and life and I'll keep going. Look Shannon, you know Aaron but he's a stranger to me. It just seems too soon to jump that far on a whim and a prayer. I need some time to figure shit out, you know? I mean, I'm still crying over Mom. It just seems too soon to rush into something so new"

"Well, I can't make you go if you don't want to. Let's just drop it. I'll call Aaron and let him know. Is there anything more I can do to help you? Are you staying here in this dump, or what?"

"I don't know. I can't think about that right now. We have to get Mom's funeral stuff done — I just don't know. I'm gonna go lay down, I can't do more of this right now."

***

With Clair off to her room, I sit and ponder the situation for quite a while. I play through the options she has here and in the end I think Clair isn't thinking straight — or maybe just not being honest. I can see her not wanting to encroach on Aaron and me — but that's stupid. Even when Mom was alive they could barely make it here — what's she gonna do now? I think it's time to call Aaron and see if he has any ideas or advice. But first, I quietly check to make sure her door is closed. Then on second thought, I go outside and call from the parking lot.

"Hi Babe, I was wondering if I'd hear from you again. How are you and Clair holding up?"

"So so. We had a talk after you and I talked before. I mentioned to her about coming up there and she got kinda weird — bottom line, she thinks she wants to stay here. Aaron, I don't see how that's possible. Even with Mom's welfare they could barely make ends meet and now that's gone. She's usually really logical, but this — I just don't see it working. Worst case, she ends up with some guy again who abuses her. I may have to stay here awhile, is that okay?"

"You gotta do what's needed Shannon. The jobs going fine, so don't worry about that. Actually, we're about wrapped up for the most part. Should I come down?"

"I don't know. It might help if she met you. When I mentioned your offer for her to share the house, I think she might have got a little skittish. As you know, not all of the men in her life have been stellar examples. Honestly, I don't want to drag you into this drama — give me a few more days here and let's see where it goes. How does that sound to you?"

"Let's do that, Babe. But keep me posted, okay?"

"I will. I miss you more than you can imagine. But on a brighter note, Clair overheard us talking before and busted me as your lover."

"Hmmm, if that's on the brighter side then I assume she's okay with that?"

"Yeah, she got on me about not being more open and honest about being with you. Bottom line, she knows all about us and is okay with it. I figured she would be, she's bi herself, but it's just kinda weird talking to her about it. But she understands."

"Well, I hope she understands that my bed is empty and I miss you. But seriously, don't hesitate to call any hour day or night. Bye for now."

I sit in silence after our call ends. I guess I didn't expect her to balk at getting out of this shit hole. I lay down on the sofa and the tendrils of worry reach out for me. Tomorrow I need to deal with the cremation. Hopefully Clair is calmer — maybe I sprang the idea of moving in with us too fast?

***

I lay in my empty bed in my empty apartment wondering what's happening down in Tacoma. It's really out of my hands and I hate that kind of situation. I guess I can understand Clair not wanting us to take over her life. But if what Shannon says is true, she's not looking at a very good life down there. I wonder if Shannon might choose to stay if she won't come up here? I really can't leave right now — another week, two at the most and we'll be done up here. In the end, it's up to Clair and Shannon — I'll help if I can but it's her life. If Shannon stays with her, I won't blame him — maybe family love is more important than this love we have?

I toss and turn in my lonely bed and truly realize just how much Shannon means to me — how much he's brought into my life. In this situation they're in, I realize I'm in there with them. Truly, it's Shannon who is in the middle with both of us pulling him towards ourselves. I can't blame Clair — but I can't accept that Shannon should go back. If I were in his shoes, it'd be hard for me too. Just have to give it time to play out....

***

I'm so glad Shannon is here, but he's changed. He's more confident and ... and he's happy — it's plain to see and hear when he talks about Aaron. I smile at his embarrassment of being Aaron's bottom — as if I ever thought he'd be a top stud. But what does that have to do with me? It just sounds so wrong to move up there — move in with a man I don't even know — a town where I don't have a friend. But what am I going to do here?

I feel safe enough in this place, in this room — but it's too easy to see it all falling apart. My thoughts shift again to Howard; he wants to get back together ... maybe he's not the worst guy in the world? As my thoughts venture down that trail I see more faults than virtues. He has no ambition to get an education — he job hops at the bottom rungs of the ladder — it's his attitude about Shannon and anyone who isn't in his clique that causes a pause ... the pause grows into a final retreat away from Howard as an option.

I then turn to consider all my girlfriends ... who might possibly let me share a place? The list starts out long enough, but over half of them already have committed relationships and mates. The rest are as anchor-less as I am and none seem a good option to sign an apartment lease with. I hear my own sigh and realize that now isn't the time to solve these problems — Mom just died and tomorrow I have to go arrange for the cremation. With thoughts of our mother — our childhood — drifting in my mind, the tears can flow freely. It's such an empty feeling — almost like being in shock. I knew it was coming, I expected it. But her eyes — her words at the last were so alive ... and then suddenly gone. Gone forever. No more apologies can be offered. No more forgiveness given. No kisses, no hugs. I feel the dam cracking and let my tears flow freely ....

I finally make myself get out of bed. I have things that have to be tended to. I glance over at Shannon and smile. My would be hero is still sound asleep. He's all I have now.

***

I wake up with a start, look around and remember where I am — I glance at my watch and realize I slept about twelve hours. My mind is dull and groggy, the dreams of Mom are wispy and I can't make them stay. I lay there thinking of how this is really happening — my mother is gone forever. A dark cloud hangs over everything — this crapy place she had to live in, the crappy life she was dealt. But she always tried her best for Clair and me. "Goodbye Mom, I love you." My whispered words are all I have to offer. My hope of one day being reunited with her my only hope of any peace.

I lay there a while longer, then swing my legs out of bed and get up. I notice that Clair's bed is empty and figure she must have slept on the sofa — but she's not there when I check? I head to the bathroom and sit down to pee. I try to wake up but only one word makes sense — coffee. As I sit listening to my bubbles, I can't believe Clair slept in Mom's bed. She offered it to me but I couldn't sleep there — we shared a room forever and one more night doesn't bother me. I give a quick glance at the mirror, smooth my hair a bit and head off to the kitchen. With the coffee going, I go back to just make sure she's in Mom's room — and just as I thought, she's not. So, where did she get off too?

I'm on my second cup of coffee and munching on a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich when I hear my phone in the bedroom. I rush to get it; "Where are you?"

"I couldn't sleep any longer and decided to come down to arrange Mom's cremation. Good news, I guess. It's all taken care of, she left some written details — she must have looked into it awhile back. It seems that she donated her body to research, so there's no cost to the family for the cremation. She didn't even tell me, but when the guy here called the hospital to get what he needed they told him about it — I guess they already moved the body. The guy I talked to said I need to talk to the hospital and get all the info — but he did say that the cremated remains will come back to the family. I guess we should thank Mom, that saved us about fifteen-hundred bucks."

"I wish you'd of told me, I would've gone with you."

"No big deal. I couldn't sleep anymore and I had already looked this place up. I'll be back home later — I don't feel like sitting in that apartment today."

"Come back home and we can do something together, I've got the car. Let's get out and get some fresh air."

"Okay, I'll be back in awhile then. See ya."

***

Together, we decide to take the ferry over to Vashon Island and go up to the Island Center Forest and do some of the trails. More than anything we just need to get out of the apartment and get some fresh air. Clair seems impressed just to have a car we can get around in. It reminds me of the constricted life when I was living here. "Feels good to get out'a that dump, eh?"

"Yeah, it does get a bit oppressive being there. This was a good idea Shannon, I'm sorry if I haven't been all that nice since you got here."

"I hadn't noticed, and if you were — I think you deserve to be a little off your normal game. This is tough, no two ways about it. Sleeping on that worn out sofa probably doesn't help — what's with that anyway? We always shared that room."

"I don't know... I guess not having you around for awhile it seemed like maybe you'd want your privacy?"

"You gotta be kidding sis? I don't think we had a moments privacy our whole life, did we?"

"No, not really. I guess we just need to get used to the other person being in the room again. You're right though, the sofa sucks."

"Well, getting some exercise today will help. Take my word on it Sis. Aaron and I do quite a bit of hiking and stuff."

"And some fresh air! That apartment stinks — the whole building stinks, if you ask me."

"No, it's not just you — it smells old and full of mildew ... probably not very healthy either. Heaven only knows how old those carpets are."

"Yuk, let's don't talk about it anymore. I gotta go back and live there — at least for a while till I can find something better."

"Well, you don't have to. It's your choice."

The short ferry ride doesn't take long, nor does the drive up to park once we are on the island. It's not crowded on a weekday at this time of day and we have the trails mostly to ourselves. Clair takes my hand in hers as we walk deeper into the forest. It's much cooler here and the air is pure and fresh. After just fifteen minutes we're both feeling more awake, upbeat and alive. I think of things I could say about Mom, but choose not too — we need to be free of that for a while, especially Clair.

"So, I guess you're not going to tell me about you and Aaron on your own, so I'll just ask. Tell me everything."

Everything seems like a lot, but we'll see, "To be honest, it started for me during the interview. The first time I met him he just seemed so together, so in charge and also really nice and decent. But I just pushed it away and buried it. I doubt we would have ever gotten together if the on-site housing would have gone as planned. But when he had to scramble to get an apartment for two of us, he decided to have me be the one to share it with him. I think he did that so I could help with some of the office work at night if need be since I've got some college under my belt. Then he found out I can cook and we worked out a deal that I cook — he cleans up. But honestly Sis, I fell for him really fast. One night I was cooking and he went to shower — when he came back he just had a towel wrapped around his waist. I tried hard to not stare, but at some point his towel slipped off and he stood totally naked in front of me ... I admit that I stared and thought he was like a statue of some Roman god."

"So he's well built — how 'bout his package?"

"He's all man, Sis."

"Did he catch you staring at it?"

"I couldn't help it — I don't know how many seconds I stared at his cock, but when I looked up his face just had a smile for me. He wasn't put off or perplexed or ashamed — he just smiled and I think we both knew right then that something was going to happen. I think I finally mumbled something and turned away — but his smile told me that he knew I was interested."

"Wow, I wish I could have been a spider on the wall watching you two. How long did it take for you two to hook up?"

Her question causes me to pause — do I tell her everything? "This is embarrassing me."

"Oh, come on — we're both adults and I know you have sex and you know I have sex — tell me."

"I knelt down to pick up his towel, but he told me to leave it. On my knee, I was close enough to smell his musky cock, it was inches from my face. When I looked up he just smiled and I smiled back and bent over and kissed his thigh just under his balls. It's been a growing connection ever since that first kiss. I slept in his bed that night and every night since until I came down here."

Okay little bro, I gotta know; Has he fucked you yet?"

"Yes, lots of times now. He bought some butt plugs and opened me up slow and easy — he's pretty big. But when he slid it in, I knew this is what I need to do. After the first time I just lay there after he pulled out — my butt just felt like I'd had the most wonderful massage on the inside. I can't really describe it."

Clair hugs me close and kisses my cheek, "I love you Shannon, you're the best brother anyone could ever want. Don't you ever feel ashamed of what you have with Aaron — promise. And that massaged feeling on the inside, it's that way for women too. So now I guess we have one more thing in common, eh?"

I hear my big sigh of relief and feel the tension ease off — I should have known she'd be the one person who understands. "I promise I won't feel ashamed with you Clair — and thanks for understanding and helping me to understand."

"That's what big-sisters do."

We share a laugh over her ongoing claim of being the older and wiser of us — I have no reason to deny her that claim.