The Circle Ch. 40

Jess followed up. "What are the underlying principles for The Circle?" She left the question intentionally vague and open-ended.

Jim said, "That's easy. We love and care about others to a fault. Those high on our list, we hope will be seen the same way by our colleagues in The Circle, and that they will want to be with all of us.

"Further, we try to live in the Now. We try not to let the experiences of our past influence us too much in today, nor let our worries about the future cloud how we live.

"We put great emphasis on honest, open communication. We also work at being role models for each other and for other people."

Jess took frantic notes, but looked up when Jim paused, "How does the open sexuality of The Circle fit into the concept of being role models?"

Jim laughed, "Good question. We also believe that consenting adults can do whatever they want about sex. That's a loaded statement. We don't want some church or religion dictating to us or judging us according to what we believe are arbitrary standards. We don't want any government body doing the same thing, or anybody else, for that matter. If you disagree with us, please keep your opinions to yourself, but don't go around broadcasting how bad we are relative to your standards and then pass laws that force us to behave the way you want us to. You do that for us, and we'll pay you the same respect. Now, to me, that's being a good role model."

"So you espouse group sex?"

"I didn't say that. If several of us want to enjoy a sexual encounter together, and we're all consenting adults, let's have fun. I don't want someone quoting scripture or legal precedent in some right-wing state to tell us about how we're going to hell for our behavior. We aren't."

"And your attitude about them?"

"Backward. Locked into old ways of thinking. Lack of critical thinking, or allowing others to think and dictate to them what they should believe. Believing in a book that is nothing more than a book."

"You mean the Bible?"

"Exactly, or any other so-called sacred document. That said, I will fight for their right to hold those views. Just don't legislate them on me."

Jess studied her notes and asked, "How do you cope with the feelings of jealousy you get?"

Jim smiled, "I don't, because I no longer get jealous. Let me explain. I was raised and got jealous of other people for several reasons: they had stuff I wanted, they threatened to take away stuff I had; there's what might be called time-based jealousy – you're not spending enough time with me versus someone else; and lastly there's maybe betrayal jealousy.

"So, about the first, wanting someone else's stuff or somebody they have; well, I have everything I need in life, including foremost people that love me. Poof! That kind of jealousy vanishes. Second kind, someone will take away something I hold dear. Here, in The Circle, that's unlikely, and I would never do that to anybody here either. Poof! That one goes away.

"Third, you spend too much time with someone else. Two things come to mind here, first, is the rule of karma. I know that sooner or later, our time will come. I trust in that premise and it's never let me down. The other component is the concept of 'compersion,' a term coined to mean the opposite of jealousy. I am glad you are finding enjoyment in the time you spend with someone else; I also feel good because you do.

"Lastly, is betrayal jealousy – someone will betray me in some way, violate vows that we shared. Well, one way to avoid that is not to allow others to make silly promises to you that they may not be able to keep. Another is to realize that in this Circle, based on the premise of love and caring, is that no one would intentionally do anything like that to any of the others. If they did, there would have to be some really crazy reason for it."

Jess studied Jim, almost to test his sincerity about what he'd just said. She probed, "So, if you really loved me, and you saw me having sex with someone else, you wouldn't be jealous?"

Jim chuckled, "Oh, all sorts of responses come to mind. I'd wait patiently for my turn. I would hope you are having the time of your life with whomever it is you're making love to. I would hope you feel loved and cared for, even better than I can do for you. I would wonder if I can do anything to enhance the experience you're having."

"You wouldn't think I'd betrayed you in some way?"

"What? How? Because you wanted to make love to someone else? No way."

"What if it was just wild unbridled lust and fucking?" Jess grinned.

"Same feelings I just described. I'd hope you have fun and get from the experience what you hoped."

Jess said, "Well, you're very secure in yourself. What about others that may feel insecurities?"

Jim replied, "That's what I've been trying to tell you. We all try to make each other feel secure in the love we have for them. That's why you'll see us greeting each other with some form of affection. Do that enough, and everyone starts to feel good about themselves, even when there's an upset in their life. If someone kisses you every day and tells you they love you, you know they aren't out to screw you over."

"You wouldn't try to guilt-shame me into falling into line in some way?" Jess posed.

Jim said, "Now, why would I do that? I love you. If I lay a guilt trip on you, I'm making that love conditional in some way on your behavior. I want my love to be unconditional. I want you to know that I will love you regardless of what you do."

"That's too theoretical," Jess insisted.

Jim said, "A recent example may help. You met Steph and will be talking to her. A little over a year ago The Circle hosted a swinger party that many of us wanted to participate in with another group of people we liked. Steph met a guy at that party named Nick, who swept her off her feet in one night. Call it mind control or whatever, but he talked her into leaving with him to go to Boston. Steph vanished the next day, and we didn't hear from her for a year. We grieved over her sudden departure, but each of us hoped she was OK and getting what she wanted from that relationship. It turned sour on her, and she came back seeking forgiveness. There was nothing to forgive. We welcomed her back with open arms. There was never any jealousy or conditional love; we loved her before, during, and after unconditionally."

Jess asked, "Do you think a lot of love is conditional?"

Jim smiled, "I think most of it is. Anything with vows, monogamy, exclusivity, and the possibility of jealousy becomes conditional from the start. People are terrible at anticipating how their lives and feelings will change over time. By trying to build into a relationship a high degree of rigidity, we end up building in tension that may ultimately destroy it."

"Say more."

"I fall in love with you. We conjure our lives together with a little white cottage, a picket fence, two-point-two children, a dog, a cat, and everything else. Then we start to work and have bills and all the real-world stuff that takes the edge off. I strike up a great friendship with a female colleague, and even have feelings for her; you do the same thing with a guy from your work. One or both of us cheat on our vows. We think the only way out is divorce and separation. None of us in The Circle think that's the way to go."

"So you'd let her cuckold you ... or vice versa?"

"If that's the negative word you want to use, then yes, sort of. I want to say, I still love you, but I also love this other person, and I acknowledge that you also love someone else in addition to me. How nice. Period. End of conflict. I choose to still be with you, at least some of the time. I hope you are happy when you're away. You get the drift."

"So everyone in The Circle cheats with everyone else?"

"No. You just placed a value judgment on our polyamorous behavior." Jim said emphatically, "Everyone in The Circle loves everyone else without jealousy and as unconditionally as they can. When you said it's too theoretical, you're partly right. We work at living this way, and we're all imperfect beings, thus our relationships are all imperfect. The advantage to the love and communications we have is that we can talk it out; we can express ourselves, and learn from each other. Others can help us hone our relationships and feelings."

Jess pounced, "So you do get jealous or angry or sad or peeved with someone else?"

Jim laughed, "Sure. And if I don't talk to them directly, I might seek counsel from Matt or Bob or Nathan or Sheila or someone, and they'll walk me through the difficulty until I either feel better and forget the whole thing, or I come up with goals and an action plan to fix the situation in some way, and that probably will include talking to the person."

Jess made some more frantic notes despite the recorder taking down all Jim's comments and the TV crew recording everything.

Jess looked up, "I heard you refer to loving everyone here in terms of mind, body, and spirit. Could you elucidate?" She smiled.

Jim said, "Body is easy – that's our physical side. Mind is too – that's how we appreciate each other's intellect and ability to be critical thinkers. The core to all we do is the spiritual side of things.

"People think that spirit is ethereal and off in some far dimensions that we aspire to, and there may be some components that are indeed in those other dimensions, but I can't talk to those. I can say that here in this world, I am spiritual and exercise my spirituality by all the interactions I have with other people. If I'm a bastard, I'm not being very spiritual, and I can eventually expect a huge dose of karma to descend upon me, and if it doesn't get me this time around, it'll get me in the next.

"On the other hand, if I'm loving and a nice guy, then I erase some of the bad karma from other lives that's followed me into this one. I exercise my true spiritual nature in that unconditional love, as best I can do. I feel I even get brownie points for trying."

Jess asked, "Do you believe in God?"

"Do you mean a big old man with a white beard wearing a white robe with a big gold 'G' embroidered on the pocket, sitting in the clouds in heaven with angels scurrying around playing harps, keeping track of seven billion people, and then deciding who gets into heaven or who gets banished to hell? The answer is firmly 'No.'

"If you mean spiritual forces that can give us guidance if we listen, aid in our relationships, love, and keep us touch with our true nature as spiritual beings having a human experience, then the answer is 'Yes.'"

Jess looked up and held his gaze for a minute. "Thanks Jim. I'd like to stop our interview at this point, and pick up in a few days. Right now, I need to digest this." She paused, folded her notes, and said, "You are one deep cookie."