The Dark Kiss: A Guide to Analingus

Before you say, "Ewwww!" hear me out—it may not be your thing, but then again, if you're open-minded and experimental, just think, you might find an amazing new sex act to add to your repertoire! If the thought makes you squirm, and not in a good way, then go ahead and click back—but if you're even a little bit curious about oral-anal contact, then read on, and let's find out about "analingus," as it is technically called, (and yes, that is the correct spelling, look it up!) or more commonly "rimming" in porn and erotica circles.

Remember when oral sex used to be a "no-no?" (Okay, maybe you're not old enough to remember, but it's true!) There was a time when it was outlawed in most states, and it was considered a perversion. No one admitted they did it, even if they did. Can you imagine your sex life without oral? I didn't think so! Rimming (I'll use this colloquial phrase from now on) is one of those sex acts that still remains in the sexual dark ages. It's time we brought it into the light, for those who want to venture into that arena. There isn't (and shouldn't be) any shame associated with any sexual act—rimming included.

Still, feeling some hesitation and even a little embarrassment about rimming is normal, for the very reason I state above—the anus is one part of our body that we have internalized a great deal of shame about in our culture. It takes overcoming some of that to even entertain the idea, let alone actually attempt it.

You might want to try some other forms of anal play first—fingers or toys—before you move on to anal-oral contact. In fact, I would bet if you're actually curious about it, and not just reading this for the gross-out factor like someone slowing down at the scene of an accident, you probably have already been involved in some sort of anal play.

Sometimes couples fall into this experience through a delightful mishap—he is going down on her, and—oops! His tongue slips down lower than either of them expected, and she jumps and moans and they both look at each other like: "Wow! What was that?!" It can happen the other way around, too, if he likes to have his balls and perineum licked and sucked—especially if it's dark! Either way, this happy accident can lead to a desire to explore this idea further.

If you're interested in it, but your partner isn't, let it go. One sex act shouldn't ever come between you, and who can enjoy something if they know the other person isn't enjoying themselves, too? But if you're both curious and interested, just not sure how to proceed, then talk about it. Who wants to give? Who wants to receive? Sometimes it's both of you, sometimes it's just one of you. If there are concerns about hygiene, then read on, because I'm about to assuage them.

The biggest fear with oral-anal contact is feces. (Some of us won't even put food that's fallen on the floor into our mouths!) If you can get past the psychological aspect of it, the reality is that with proper hygiene, there is very little danger of coming in contact with feces. Why? Fecal material is actually stored above the rectum in the colon. There are only trace amounts that remain in the rectum or on the anus, which can easily be washed away.

Infection is the real concern—the possibility of introducing bacteria into our digestive tract from oral-anal contact. The dangerous bacteria are E. coli, Salmonella, intestinal parasites like Giardia, and of course, AIDS. The good news is you can seriously minimize your risks. If you are in an exclusive, monogamous relationship, and you know that neither of you is HIV positive, has any STDs, and are free of parasites, careful washing should be sufficient.

You can shower together, which is always fun foreplay, anyway. One technique I've learned is to fill the tub halfway, squat down, and insert a soapy finger into the anus. Turn your finger around a few times, so the water and the soap wash away any residue in and around the area.

Some couples prefer to do enemas, which clean out the entire colon. You can actually buy disposable enemas, or if you're in this for the long-haul, get yourself a kit. They're easy to use—while on your hands and knees, you just insert the little nozzle into the anus, and squeeze the bottle to push the fluid into the rectum. You will feel the urge to go after a few moments, and you can sit in the toilet and just allow the fluid to drain.

If you're still hesitant, you can use a dental dam—a kind of rubber sheet that works sort of like a condom for the mouth. You can approximate one of these using unlubricated condoms (don't use any lubricated ones or any with spermicide!) or even just some Saran wrap! Kind of like sex with a condom, it doesn't feel quite the same, but it's still pretty good—and it's 100% safe.

Now, on to the fun part—actually trying it! It helps to get relaxed. A sensual massage from the giver to the receiver can only be helpful. Whatever you can do to relax each other, do it! My favorite position is doggie style—for two reasons: 1.) it provides maximum exposure but still allows for genital play and 2.) it is the most vulnerable.

One of the turn-ons of rimming can be the surrender in it. You are opening up parts of yourself to a lover that have never been touched—not only that, they have been culturally shunned and rejected. Many of our associations with the anus are negative: that's a "bad" part of the body or that part of us isn't "ok." This is a way to give yourself wholly and completely to your partner, and for your partner to accept you that way as well. I've also heard couples say that this position works well, especially the first time—if the receiver needs to hide their face in a pillow at first to deal with any shame that comes up.

Other positions you can try are doggie-style, but standing up. Just make sure you have something to hold onto that's stable! You can also lie on your back, but I would suggest using a pillow under the hips to raise everything up. I've also known couples who can do a sixty-nine position, but unless you do lots of yoga or are a gymnast, I don't know that you want to try this on the first go!

So, now you're relaxed, you're positioned... it's the moment you've been waiting for. Don't rush it—ease into things, so to speak. Kiss and touch and lick all around the area first, starting wide and moving in—begin with the hips, the lower back, the thighs, and of course, the ass. Nibble, suck, stroke with your hands, and move in, slowly, toward the anus, a little bit at a time.

It's good to start with kisses. Just feather little kisses around the anus. Pay attention to your lover's response. If they back away, start wide and circle in again. Sometimes you have to build up to it. You can also try some genital stimulation first to heighten arousal— with your fingers, though, not with your tongue. Unless you are using a dental dam or a facsimile, once your lips and tongue have touched the anus, you don't want to put them anywhere else until you're done.

If your lover is enjoying the kisses, move on to using your tongue. Flatten your tongue and press it against the anus. You can wiggle it back and forth gently, or start just by licking with the flat of your tongue. How does this feel? Um—fantastic! The anus has lots and lots of nerve endings, and they are highly sensitive to touch. Kind of like with oral sex—fingers are ok, but a tongue? Oh, heaven!

Once your lover is starting to respond to your licking (moaning and squirming and arching the back are all very common now!) you can try pointing your tongue and sliding it into the anus. This is kind of the scary part for the giver, but remember, you've done everything possible to be clean—let down your inhibitions, and listen to the sound of your lover's response. That's usually enough to keep the giver motivated to keep giving!

You can (and should) keep stimulating your lover's anus until they tell you to stop. You can keep up manual genital stimulation as well (or your partner can do it for themselves). Having an orgasm with a tongue sliding in and out of your anus—I just can't do it justice in a description, I'm sorry! Fireworks, weak knees, ringing in the ears, you name it.

When you're completely done, the giver should wash their mouth out with an antiseptic mouthwash, just to be on the (very!) safe side. Listerine is probably the best (I'm not doing a commercial, honest—but anything that tastes that bad has to kill more germs, right?) If your hands have come in contact with the anus, you should also wash those.

Rimming can be a very pleasurable experience, if you're willing to give it a try. There are definitely very safe ways to practice it, minimizing all the risks—and the benefits are extraordinary! You can have deeper intimacy, more pleasure, and you now have something new to add to your bag of tricks to keep your sex life from growing dull!

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Bibliography

Taormino, Tristan. Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. Cleis Press, 1998.