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She climbed from the shadows, the horrors of her past. She looked at him, true wonder in her eyes, wanting the words she heard to be true...but full of fear...that such things would never come to pass. Lost in the wonder of belief, she looked into her shadows and wondered...if only for a moment...
Does the future cast a shadow all it's own? And if so, might a very certain past, her past, cast a shadow so dark and unambiguously deep, that the future could never break free and let her go?
+++++
October 14th
Ed's tangerine roadster bounced down the interstate, top down and sun shining, Sara's light red hair streaming out over the trunk as the engine hummed along, while Ed McCarley held the steering wheel in his left hand and Sara's hand in his right. She would sit quietly for long stretches, looking over cattle in fenced pastures or a sudden airplane passing overhead -- the choices life presented. Then she would turn her eyes to Ed in wonder.
"Thanks, Eddie."
"For what, Darlin'?"
"For all this," she said, waving at the sky, and she began to tear up and laugh. "This is such a nice way to live. So far away from..."
Ed could, even after so many weeks together, still just barely imagine what her life had been like, and a part of him wanted to shut that part of her past away forever. But that wouldn't be true to her grief, to her understanding of the world, or to the world he wanted to make for her. To help her hide from that past would only cause her to feel shame, shame for a life that had not been her fault. Running away from her wounds would build a wall between his love for her and her acceptance of love, would root their relationship in evasion. In Ed McCarley's world, his version of streets and alleys, lies were everywhere, the fount of hatred and violence, of recrimination and accusation. Love couldn't live in those shadows.
"You know I...love you, don't you, Sara?"
She nodded her head as she looked at him. "Eddie, I've thought about this, what I feel for you, what I think you feel for me, but I don't think I've ever felt these things before, so I don't know what love is supposed to feel like. But I know how I feel when I'm with you, I know that when I'm with you I feel like the world is going to be alright, that I am going to be OK. I feel all warm inside, Eddie. Does that make sense?"
He nodded his head. 'Yes, it does, very much,' he thought.
"If love feels anything like that, then I know what love is," she said as she squeezed his hand and looked away, not wanting him to see her tears -- again.
Always ashamed. Always afraid. He was a prayer -- answered, but the shadows were always so deep and close.
+++++
They crossed a very high, very long bridge, and in the distance, off the left side of the car, Ed pointed out the ocean. Sara's eyes went wide with astonishment, almost a joyous fear. There had been many unknowns in her life, and she had been pretty good at confronting them when she was physically able, but she wasn't prepared for the blue-green infinity that defined this new horizon.
The little Triumph exited the highway and turned to the ocean, and Ed steered the car toward a forest of white trees that lined the ocean just ahead of the car. Sara had never seen anything like it. Shiny white trees! Ed pulled into the parking lot, a forest of cars -- then she saw the trees again, beyond restaurants and colorful buildings. They put the top up -- "in case it rains," Ed grinned -- then he got out and went around to help Sara out of the car. He wanted her to feel that way, that someone should and would go out of their way to do little things for her. He wanted her to appreciate other people who were nice to her for no reason. Life needn't always be a calculation between fight or flight, because love meant all the little things, too.
They went into the restaurant, and it smelled like nothing she had ever experienced. They were taken to a table on an outside deck that overlooked -- not trees, but boats! Sara looked out over a vast island of sailboats, their white and blue hulls gleaming under a clear, bright sun. She heard the sounds of a working marina for the first time in her life; the slapping of halyards against masts, seagulls wheeling through the air, looking for food. She looked at families coming and going up and down the docks, mothers and fathers and children who, by and large, looked happy and carefree. She took in the scene with a sense of jealousy and sorrow, but also with wonder in her heart.
"I would give anything..." she started to say, but her voice trailed off. She pushed down the anxiety, the flood that lived in her shadows, waiting. "Eddie, this is so nice..." yet her voice drifted away, again.
"Hey darlin'. Let's eat first, then maybe we'll take a walk, go down to the water and see what we can see."
"Would you order for me, Eddie?"
"Do you want to try fish?"
"Had tuna fish before, a sandwich. Will it taste like that?"
"No, probably not, at least if we're lucky it won't. Leave it to me, darlin'."
Sara watched boats putting up sails and catching the wind, heeling over, and soaring out over the water like magic birds. There were a handful of boats running for distant horizons, and it was these Ed McCarley watched most intently.
+++++
After lunch Ed took Sara down to the marina, and they meandered slowly along, drifting in their own currents among the rich and the not so rich, the pretenders and the old salts. Ed pointed out this type of boat and that type of rig; he knew it meant nothing to Sara but he wanted to fill the silence that had enveloped her; keep her mind focused on the present.
The piers that went out to the boats were behind locked gates. Sara wanted to look at some of the boats, pointed to one every now and then, saying they were pretty or cool or "wouldn't that be nice..." and Ed just held her hand as she rambled, then he would tell her what kind of boat that one was, read the name on the transom aloud. Sometimes he would have to explain what a name meant, and there were the names he didn't understand. They came to a spot where they could look down at a pier, and Ed pointed out a nearby white sailboat that had a deep green stripe along the top of the hull. There was gleaming teak all over the boat: it had teak decks that made it look like a little ship, brass port-lights in sleek oval shapes, and green canvas over the sails and on the cushions in the cockpit.
"What do you think of that one, Sara?" Ed MacCarley asked.
Sara Wood stared at the little ship, at all the gleaming brass and chrome and the glowing teak that accented the lines of the boat and covered the deck. "Ooh, Eddie, she's so pretty. What's it called?"
"Well, lets look at it for a second. You see the letters on the side, near the back? See if you can say them along with me. A- W- A - K - E - N. That spells Awaken, which means to wake up after sleeping, or to be reborn -- out of an insane existence. Kind of a neat name for a boat, huh?"
"Ooh, I wish we could see it inside. I wonder...what it looks like inside."
"Well, let's go and see if we can take a look." He walked down the ramp toward the gate and took out his keys; then he opened the gate -- and she looked truly lost as she followed him down the ramp.
"What are you doin', Eddie? You're not, you didn't pick the lock, did you?" Eddie was holding the gate open for her, and he motioned her through. They walked to the boat; it was the first one on the pier, and he stood there looking at her, a quiet smile of private amusement on his face.
Ed walked along the side of the boat until he came to a gap in the lifelines; he un-clipped the line blocking the way and let it fall.
"Eddie, Jesus, what are you doin'? We're gonna get in trouble."
Ed McCarley stepped on board. He held out his hand to Sara.
"No way, Eddie. I ain't going to jail."
He just kept his hand out, enjoying this little moment completely. "Come on, honey,"
Sara Wood looked at Ed McCarley, then suddenly, she got it. She flew across across time and space and into his arms.
"Welcome to my home, Sara Wood. Our home, I guess you might say." He held her trembling waif-like frame in his arms and accepted the gales of kisses that flew into his soul at the speed of a sigh. He whispered, "Oh, God, Sara, I love you so much, so much..." into her ear over and over. The young woman in his arms went very quiet and still after a moment, then looked up at him.
"I love you to, Paul Edward McCarley."
"Then spend your life with me, Sara Wood. Marry me."
Sara Wood recoiled from the shock she felt, yet Ed just held her, caressed her face, watched in awe as a tear formed in her eyes, watched a tear swell and roll down her cheek. He moved his face to hers and kissed away the tear, held her face in his hands, smiled into her eyes.
He took a little light blue box out of his pocket and opened it up, showed her the simple white gold wedding band he had chosen for her. "Marry me, Sara Wood. You'd make me the happiest man that ever lived."
"I...I'm not...good enough...for you," she said as a wave of tears engulfed her.
He continued to hold her face in his hands, stroking her cheeks and her tears with his thumbs. He looked at her with a different expression now, spoke in a different, stronger voice, "Sara. Listen to me, listen very carefully. When two people say they will marry one another, it's a solemn promise before God that they will protect one another, that they won't run away from one another, or do anything to hurt the other. That's what I'm promising to you, Sara. That I'll always be here by your side. That I'll never leave you. That I'll love you as much twenty years from right now as I do this very moment. And one last thing."
Ed was visibly shaking now. "There is one thing in the world that I am afraid of, Sara. That's the thought that I might wake up some day and find that you've gone, that you've left me. When I think of that, Sara, it feels like I can't breathe. If you leave me, I think I'll die. My love, you are the most important person in the world to me. I love you with all my heart."
And Ed McCarley was crying now.
Sara Wood clung to this man through gales of passion, felt him tremble as he came to blows with his own doubts and fears. "Oh Eddie, oh Eddie," she said as she felt with her own awakening sense of wonder the power of love to rule the human heart. "Eddie, I love you too. I do. You've been my savior, my..."
Ed pulled away from Sara Wood, pulled back far enough to look into her eyes. "Oh, Sara, I don't know how to tell you this...I'm not your savior. You are my savior...you saved me from..." He fell to his knees, hugged her thighs, his face buried in her hips. He felt the release that comes from finally understanding a critical event in life for what it truly is, of moving beyond the inward pressure of doubt. "Oh, please, God. Sara, don't ever leave me."
She felt this hold on her heart and she embraced it. She knelt beside him, cradled him, rocked him in the sway of her body. "Oh, Eddie." She kissed the top of his head. "I'll never leave you, Eddie. If you really want me...oh, Eddie, I do love you and I'll marry you and I promise I'll never leave you." She felt his shaking throughout her body.
'How did I save him?' she thought to herself, lost in the terms of an equation she didn't understand. 'That doesn't make any sense at all...'
They sat in the cockpit of the little sailboat for hours, holding each other tightly. As evening returned the man held his woman to his breast, cradled her in the warmth of his need -- and his passion. As darkness enveloped them, he opened the companionway that led down into the little boat, into their shelter from all storms yet to be.
+++++
October 17th
Awaken motored out from behind the stone breakwater and turned into the breeze. Ed MacCarley quickly raised the big mainsail above the cockpit and cleated it off. He turned off of the wind a bit as he shut down the engine, and Awaken bit into the wind, heeled ever so slightly to the gentle breath of the Earth. Ed next unfurled the big sail, the genoa, on the forward part of the boat, and just as suddenly Awaken bolted as if she had been spurred in her flanks. She heeled dramatically and tore into the wind. Ed dashed back to the wheel and took the helm.
Sara Wood was huddled in a calm corner of the cockpit, wrapped in a snowy fleece cocoon. Her arms were outstretched, holding onto grab-rails, but she was laughing with the sudden exhilaration of flying. She stood up, held on to the railings that seemed to be everywhere, and stuck her face squarely into the full force of the breeze. Her red hair stood straight out from her head, parallel with the surface of the sea, her eyes began to swell with tears, not from anguish or joy, but from the simple force of the wind. Awaken dove down into a trough between two waves and threw a huge wall of spray into the air.
Sara watched the airborne water arcing through the air as with outstretched arms, daring it to find her. This was not, however, a particularly wise move, as the wall found Sara with little problem. Ed heard her squeal as the water cascaded over her, into her clothing, drenching her almost completely. Ed laughed as she turned around; she looked both surprised and happy, like a wet, floppy-eared puppy. He dashed aft, bore off the wind a bit and eased the sails, calming the motion of the boat. He switched on the autopilot and dashed below to grab Sara a towel and a new fleece lined wind-breaker.
Sara toweled her hair as best she could, then wrapped the towel around her neck. She sat back again, looked aft over the rear of the boat as it danced away from the shoreline. Ed kept the autopilot engaged, magically produced a mug of hot chocolate and handed it to her. She took a sip, surprised at the heat of the liquid.
"What is this?" she asked.
Ed hid his surprise -- but caught himself. "Special sailor's brew, darlin'. Secret recipe. We call it hot chocolate."
"It's a secret? Why, Eddie?"
"'Cause otherwise everyone would drink it all the time, darlin'. But don't worry, we got plenty." He remained at a loss at times like this, at her vulnerability to humor and the other things he took for granted; what might be funny in one set of circumstances to one person could be painfully uncomfortable for her, bring on a set of reactions that would unsettle her, send her reeling to the shadows. He despised the paternalism of his little lie, tried to will away his own shame within veils of innocent humor, yet he knew he move beyond these feelings...soon.
Sara sipped her hot chocolate, lost in the complexity of the brew -- and the world around her. This life was becoming so unreal, she thought as she looked at the wind and the waves. One day slipping from the shadows, taking care to remain out of sight as she dug through garbage cans looking for food, or some useable piece of clothing -- then this. She remembered that day most of all, the day the pissy-smelling guy had hit her, the guy whose shrimpy little dick had stuck in her mouth as she fell. She had gone to the hospital, then to jail. Then she was back on the streets, and all she knew was that an Officer McCarley had kept her from going to prison.
She had walked from police station to police station looking for him, but like a puppy she had no real way to find him, so she had slipped back into the shadows, slipped back into her usual life of hunger and dumpsters -- the prison of the shadowlands.
And then, how all of a sudden he had been there, right in front of her, and he had taken her to lunch. Oh, sweet Jesus, she thought. How could she ever explain to him that she been searching for him all over the city, walking, looking, hoping. She had felt his caring embrace as she wretched and heaved her guts in that alley, felt him pick her up and carry her to the ambulance, how he followed her to the hospital, saw to it that people helped her. He had cared. Cared -- for me?! 'So, that's what it feels like!' She thought now of sleeping on the streets in hot summer nights, how she would look up at street lights, watch bugs circle pale yellow glows in the sky.
That's what being cared for feels like. And once you feel it -- you're drawn to it -- just like those bugs up there.
She looked at him sitting beside her in the little world of his sailboat, felt her love for him, saw his love for her in his every gesture, in every thing he did. He had tried to explain to her last night, but she couldn't understand, not really, why he thought of her as his savior. What had he meant when he said he'd lost his humanity, that he'd lived in a world of sewers for too long, and that he would have fallen into darkness had she not come to pull him back into the world, the world of the living. The words hadn't made sense, yet she believed him. Then he had made love to her so tenderly, with such soft reverence, she had felt her soul glowing, she had felt her body dissolve. In the warm glow of Awaken's belly she had felt the ropes of her own insane existence fall away. She had felt some new being emerge from within, felt an awakening.
"Eddie?"
"Hmm?"
"Why did you name the boat Awaken?"
He thought about the question for a while, then turned to her. "You like music?"
"I guess."
"Awaken is the name of a song, a pretty old song I guess, from the 70s, by a group called Yes."
"Why that song? Why not, like, a Beatles song, or, well, I don't know too many groups. One of the foster homes I lived in, the mother played Beatles songs all the time. I remember a song called The Long and Winding Road, she played that one all the time. I can still hear the music, too, and the words."
"Oh, I'm not sure I can explain the feeling, Sara. There was a time when I believed in the goodness of men, and that song seemed to explain all of the infinite possibilities of what our world could be if people embraced love, explored the connections we share with everything in the universe. Anyway, the song lasts forever, and most people lose interest in a song after a couple of minutes. But Awaken was, to me, like this boat; the music drifts along through currents of time, and then it builds into this explosion, pulls all of the various themes within the song back together, makes the music whole again. I kinda hoped this boat would be that song for me, that she would help me pull all of the pieces of my life together, make life whole again."
Sara thought a minute. "I understand that, Eddie, and you know, sometimes when you talk to me about things like this, well, it sounds like you're trying to protect me from something. You don't have to, you know. I'm pretty strong."
"Yes, you are. And I love you very much."
She smiled, kissed him again, then looked into his eyes. "Could we listen? To the song?"
"Yeah, I'll play it tonight. Sometimes the words are kinda hard to understand, and you need to be in a quiet place." He just smiled as he adjusted their course a little.
+++++
They sat in the cockpit, watching the sun set through a wall of distant purple thunderheads. Awaken sat at anchor in a small, secluded bay, and there was only one other boat sharing the little hideaway. Ed had made a dish he called spaghetti carbonara, made with egg yolks and bacon, and lot's of cheese, and she liked it -- but thought it was weird. She sipped her first glass of wine, a sweet wine from Germany, and they sat after dinner playing with their wine, taking small bites of apples and cheese. Soon Sara leaned back, leaned so that she was using Ed as a rest. He enfolded her within his arms, and they sat in silence as the sun crept down to the sea, as the air grew cool. She jumped from time to time as little darts of lightning shot between distant clouds.
