The Divorce Lawyer

I opened the P.I.'s report and scanned it quickly. "This is very good work. Where did you find the guy?"

I got the first smile of the session. "I got lucky if you want to call it that. My wife went off for a bogus week-long contract meeting and I have a friend from college who's a P.I. in that town. He did it for me and I'm still waiting for the bill."

Now I was smiling. "We should all have friends like that."

After thinking for a moment, I added, "You know a lot of this is not usable in court. The public stuff is okay, but the photographs from inside the hotel room are technically an invasion of privacy. However, it might soften them up in a settlement conference."

He's nodding. He understands this is not entirely a slam dunk, but I like our chances.

I sit back, and for the first time all week I am glad that I do this kind of work.

"Before we proceed, let's be clear on one thing - are you willing to reconcile if we can put a stop to this?"

Bob shakes his head. I can tell there is no forgiveness in him.

"This isn't a one-time drunken mistake. It's deliberate and calculating. It's been going on for months and she's been lying to me the whole time. What's worse, we both work at the same company. People have figured it out. They know she's been cheating on me with her boss and I'm getting pity looks from her coworkers. That means my credibility there is shot. I want out of this marriage and a new start with another employer."

I'm listening to him, but in my mind I'm hearing "Ka-ching! Ka-ching!" Finally, a case with something I can sink my teeth into!

I lean forward and in a manner that leaves no doubt, I say, "Okay. We're going to file for divorce on the grounds of adultery. We're going to ask for a 70-30 split and settle for a 60-40 division of property including bank accounts. I can't promise you'll get custody of the kids. No lawyer can make that promise, but I'll fight for it. Whatever you lose with the house and child support you will more than make up with the law suit we're going to file against the company. Not only have they destroyed your marriage, but they have grievously injured your professional career and for that they are going to pay dearly."

Bob smiled slightly and nodded. I knew that for him the money was just a symbol of the revenge that he wanted.

"I'm going to need the names of coworkers who know she's cheating, and I want people who figured it out themselves. If you told them, that won't help your case."

"I've never told a soul. I just got the evidence Monday morning, called you Tuesday, and I've been hiding out in my office all week."

"You didn't tell anyone?"

"I told one friend, but he hasn't told anyone. He went through something similar a few years ago and gave me a lot of good advice."

"Okay. I want you to keep it that way. It gets a lot harder to claim the company damaged your career if you're the one going around telling people about your wife and her boss. And one more thing, Bob. I won't quit until her boss is fired and she's ashamed to show her face in the office. That company is going to beg you to stay."

Now the smile was definitely bigger. This man needed validation more than revenge and I was going to get him a measure of both.

"Are you still living at home?"

He nodded.

"Is she?"

"Yeah." It was a sad, quiet response.

"Does she know that you know?"

He shook his head. "Turns out I can play dumb better than I thought."

I had to smile. I was starting to like this guy. "That won't last. You have some choices to make. You can confront her and move out of the marital bed, or you can get out of Dodge for a few days. Either way, you need a long-term solution."

"We do have a guest room. It's my home office now, but it has a bed. I can move in there."

"Okay. How do you think she's going to respond?"

Bob was looking confused.

"Will she cry and beg, will she get angry, will she threaten you, and most importantly will she try to frame you?"

"Frame me?"

"I had a client once whose wife smacked herself around and claimed he beat her. If the neighbors hadn't heard her threatening him, he'd have been arrested."

Bob was looking worried now.

"Bob, is there someone you can move in with? Your uncertainty makes me want you out of the house."

"I suppose I can move back in with my parents. That's pathetic, isn't it? A grown man, married with children, moving back into his parent's home?"

"It's better than being arrested."

He nodded. "When should I move?"

"How much longer can you pretend you don't know? How much longer can you take the stares at work and say nothing?"

Bob was shaking his head. "I can't continue like this."

"Then I want you to move out today. Call your boss and tell him you're out sick. Go home and pack up as much as you can. Take only what is yours. Take clothing, computers, and whatever important files you have there like your birth certificate, passport, bank and insurance statements, and any work-related files you need. Then you can go home after she gets off work, play with the kids, put them to bed, then have a quiet conversation with your wife. Tell her you know and you're filing for divorce. Then no matter what she says, you stand up and walk out of the house. You got that? Don't get into a shouting match, don't threaten her, and for God's sake don't raise your hand to her. Tell me you understand."

"I understand." It was the voice of a broken man. It was all getting very real for him now.

I reached into the top drawer of my desk and drew a card. "Here. I want you to call her and make an appointment. Get your stuff packed and out of the house today, then call her tomorrow for an appointment."

"A therapist? You think I need help?"

"Bob, your life has been turned upside down. You've been betrayed by the one person you trusted most and you're going to war. Believe me, you need help."

Bob fell back into his chair, took a deep breath, and nodded. "Okay."

"You'll like her. She hates cheaters."

That's when it hit me. I'd skipped something. "Bob, I need to ask you something and I need you to keep your head. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Have you ever cheated on your wife?"

He shook his head. "No. Never."

"Okay. I had to ask. Now, I want you to gather recent statements on your finances and document anything we've talked about. Can you do that?"

"Yeah. We have a pretty good file system at home."

"Now here's the part you absolutely need to hear. You need to stay away from her boss. Stay away from your boss if you can. I'll have papers filed soon. If you can't take the heat at work, tell everyone you're sick and leave. Your wife is likely to tell her boss, and someone may come to you with questions. Be truthful, but don't say more than you need. If your boss comes to you, tell them the truth. The papers we'll file with the company will require them to separate you from that environment.

"And one more thing - don't do anything stupid. Don't go after her boss. If he crosses the road in front of your car, put the car in park with the break on until he reaches the far curb. If he comes to your office for any reason, call in a friend you trust. Call in all your friends. You want witnesses to everything that he says and does while you need to sit on your hands and do nothing. Do you understand me?"

He nodded.

"Say the words. Do you understand?"

"Yes, I understand."

"Okay. Do you have any questions?"

"No."

"Good! You'll get through this. You are going to be in the driver's seat, but you need to avoid giving them any ammunition that they can use against you. This is going to test your resolve and your control. I'm counting on you to be the better man here. Okay?"

"Okay."

We handled a few details and then I walked Bob to the door.

"Bob, it's going to get worse before it gets better, but you're going to come out of this. You keep your head and don't do anything foolish, and I promise you that you will remain a presence in the lives of your kids. I promise you that. Okay?"

I got a weak smile and a nod. I figured that was about the best I could hope for under the circumstances.

"Okay. Now Marie is going to have some papers for you to sign and you're going to need to write a big fat check, but I promise I'll earn every dime."

Now I got the smile I was looking for.

As he walked out of my office I called after him. "Hey, Bob! You know why snakes don't bite lawyers?"

He looked back with a puzzled expression on his face. Marie was rolling her eyes.

"Professional courtesy."

That got me the laugh I was working for.

"You be well and do the homework we discussed. I'll be in touch."

He thanked me and I returned to my desk to review the evidence in detail. You might think a lawyer like me gets a little thrill by watching those videos, but the truth is all I felt was disgust. The images were evidence, but the conversation was interesting. There was little doubt that Bob was destined for divorce one way or another; it was just a matter of who filed.

Bob's P.I. was good and the wife's boss was married. Bob was going to have his revenge one way or another.

The rest of the week passed uneventfully. I had a court appearance Friday morning and spent the rest of the time meeting with clients and drafting documents.

A week later in mid-afternoon I was again scheduled for a settlement conference in the Davis case. This time, things were going to be different. Sink or swim, live or die, these two are going to reach a resolution.

They arrived separately and we let them spend a few uncomfortable minutes in the same waiting room. When we decided they'd suffered enough, Marie ushered them into the conference room. Jimmy and I were already seated, but unlike the last two meetings Jimmy and I were sitting on the same side of the table. We motioned for Mr. and Mrs. Davis to take seats across from us.

"What's going on?"

They both seemed confused and more than a little off balance. Good. That's what we wanted.

"Take a seat you two. The results of the tests are in."

They looked nervous and I don't blame them. Some think that only the guilty need to fear the truth, but the innocent have good reason to fear what others choose to believe.

Jimmy started. "The results of the polygraphs are in. Do you want to know the results?"

The two just sat there nervously and didn't respond.

Now it was my turn. "According to the results, you are both telling the truth when you say that you never cheated. How does that make you feel?"

Jenny broke down and sobbed uncontrollably while her husband was bravely holding it together, although not by much.

We waited and watched, and then it happened. Jenny's husband reached over to his wife and placed his arm around her shoulders. Leaning over, he whispered something in her ear too quietly for us to hear. Jenny nodded, and then she turned and buried her face in her husband's shoulder. Jimmy and I just let them have the moment and chose not to interrupt.

Eventually, they regained their composure and sat up to look at us as they waited for the next shoe to drop. I couldn't help but notice that they were holding each other's hand as they did.

The ball was still in my court. "So the question is, 'Where do we go from here? Do we continue with the divorce now that you both know, or do you sit down and begin to talk it through?'"

I could tell they both wanted to say the words, but they were too scared.

Now it was Jimmy's turn. "Brad, your wife hasn't cheated on you. Does that mean anything to you?"

In a voice that was barely audible, he said, "Yes."

"If she is willing to meet you halfway, are you willing to put the divorce on hold and talk it out?"

"Yes!" There was no denying his enthusiasm now.

It was my turn again. "Jenny, you're a flirt and if this marriage is going to have a chance of surviving, that needs to stop. Flirting is a lie to every man who thinks you might be available when you're not. It's humiliating to your husband and it's degrading to you. Brad didn't cheat on you. That's the good news. The bad news is that flirting is a form of cheating. You wind up other men just to prove you can. A loving wife doesn't do that. The time has come for you to either grow up or let Brad move on and find a wife who can behave like a wife. You may still have that choice, but if you continue to behave the way you have, you won't have it for long."

She was crying into her hands, but she was nodding her agreement.

Jimmy picked up again. "I've arranged for you two to see a marriage counselor."

Brad started to object.

"No, you don't get the choice. We chose for you. You don't need someone who will be your friend; you need someone who will make you take a long hard look at your own behavior. This woman is very good and if you are willing to work with her, then she can help you. Are you willing to do that?"

They both agreed.

"Okay, here is her card. You have your first appointment on Monday at 10AM. Jenny, I can't tell you whether you should move home today, but if you do, I'm telling you both right now that there are two rules. First, no parties, no dancing, and absolutely no flirting. You two aren't ready to bring other people into this. Second, no fighting. In fact, don't talk about anything serious. Visit your families if they are supportive. Sit together and watch television. Just don't try to do more than you're ready for. You two need to learn how to talk through your problems without blaming each other, so don't try to solve all your problems tonight. Just love and take care of each other. Can you do that?"

Finally, we were getting smiles!

We had them sign some paperwork agreeing to pause the divorce petitions and that seemed to make them even happier. Soon the two walked out behaving more like two kids in love than they have for a long time. I invited Jimmy to have a glass of scotch with me and he agreed. In fact, he seemed rather eager. Lifting our glasses in a toast, he said, "Did you ever think we'd be doing this line of work?"

I laughed. "They didn't prepare us for this in law school!"

We spent a few minutes relaxing and enjoying the moment. I suppose there are times when this job does work out after all.

I spent the next hour trying to work and thinking about what Jimmy and I had accomplished. If it had all blown up in our faces, I'm not sure we would have gotten out with our licenses intact. Still, the really good days are so seldom in this business that I felt I had to celebrate.

That's what I was thinking when Marie entered my office. "No more clients today, Harry. You've had your last meeting. I filed that cockamamie Davis contract and let's hope it never sees the light of day." Then she paused for a moment and gazed off into nowhere. "They did look happy when they left." Looking at me, she smiled and said, "You did good today, Harry. You did real good."

It felt good, too. It felt so good that I said something without thinking. "Marie, would you be interested in grabbing a bite to eat after work?"

"What do you have in mind?" She seemed genuinely confused, or maybe I caught her off guard.

"I was thinking tables and chairs, maybe a white tablecloth, and a menu where not everything is fried."

She thought for a moment. "I've been wanting to try Malone's sometime."

"The steak place?" I admit I'd heard great things. I'm more of a beer and pizza man myself, but I was game.

"Is there another Malone's?"

I don't believe this. She's giving me attitude! "Not that I'm aware of. So what do you say?"

With no hesitation at all she says, "This is how you ask a girl out? You don't go out much, do you Harry?"

I'm asking her out and she's giving me shit! I look at her and with as much earnestness as I can muster, I say, "Marie, would you be willing to have dinner with me tonight at Malone's? Maybe if you would like, we could go dancing after."

She's smiling now. "I would love to! However, I need to go home first and change. Could you pick me up at seven?"

"That will do nicely. Seven it is. I'll see you then."

And with that she was gone.

I sat back and wondered, "What have I just done? If I'm not careful tonight could cost me the best secretary I've ever had!" Damn. I checked my calendar and confirmed that I have no more appointments for the day. I quickly closed up the office and headed home for a shower and a shave and my good suit wondering, "What have I gotten myself into?"

Epilogue:

Well, I did lose my secretary, but not quite how I feared. Four months after that dinner I proposed and six months later we were married. We were still young enough to have kids and old enough to not waste a lot of time doing it, so about two-and-a-half years after that dinner Marie gave us our first child, a daughter that we named Deborah. Sixteen months after that she gave us a son that we named Richard. One month after that I got the snip. Two was enough.

Bob Mitchell turned out to be what divorce lawyers are always looking for - an honest man who deserved justice and had the goods he needed to get it. It was soon apparent that his wife was less interested in being a mother than in being the next Mrs. Boss, a position that opened up not long after Mr. Boss' wife divorced him. The company fired him, and the two lovers took off for destinations unknown. Bob retained his job with a heart-felt apology from his employer (the apology contained more zeroes than I anticipated) and he's now a very contented single father with two kids. I learned something from Bob once the dust of the divorce had settled. They say that a single mother with two kids has a hard time finding a husband interested in instant fatherhood, but kids are a chick magnet for single dads. It seems he has women of all ages practically throwing themselves at him once they see his parenting skills in action.

I'm still practicing law, but the practice has grown. I've added a few associates, and we've diversified. I still handle divorces, and I still see Jimmy Smith from time to time. When I do, we sometimes reminisce about the time we made our own clients take polygraphs, and in the process put two kids back together and gave them a second chance at life.

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It's a funny thing. This story started out to be a series of settlement conferences where the couples behaved badly, and the lawyer was worn down by the process. For this reason, the original title was "I Was Made This Way" as in the years of doing an ugly job had made him the negative and fatalistic individual that he was. Somewhere along the way the story got hijacked by the characters and it became something else.