The Dream Wife

At 7 p.m. on the dot he heard her 2005 Saturn pull into the driveway. He had prepared the spaghetti and put it on the dining room table with the wine, good dishes and cutlery. He lit two candles at either end of the room and took a deep breath of the scented air. And prayed for a miracle.

There was a knock at the door and something he hadn't even known was fragile shattered inside him at the sound. Strangers knocked at the door, not a woman coming back to talk to her husband after a brief separation.

He opened it and drank in the sight of her. She was dressed in a casual blue pullover sweater against the November chill and white slacks that fit her snugly. Against his will he felt his cock begin to tingle. He made himself think of Holly and it went away. He couldn't do anything to screw up this last chance

"Hi," he said, smiling as he searched her face for some clue as to why she was here.

"Hello, Dan."

She stepped inside and took a sniff of the air.

"Candles, and carbonara. Didn't miss a trick, did you?'

He shrugged and grinned.

"I'm sorry, but I had to try. Even if this isn't a date, can't you have a glass of wine and some carbonara. Just two people eating a bit and having a glass of wine. No strings."

The slight smile vanished from her face and she shook her head.

"No, I'm not staying. I came here to talk, and then I'm leaving. I don't really think this is going to do any good, but I had to try. I don't want to divorce you, I don't want to try to have to get over you. But I honestly don't think you're going to be able to do what I'm going to ask you to do."

"Whatever it is, I'll do it. If you'll give us another chance. If I haven't loved you as much as I should have, I will. I'll spend the rest of my life making up for the last year. I didn't know I was talking in my sleep, and I honest to God had no idea I called out her name in bed. But you can't rip ten years of loving someone out of your life just like that. Nobody could. It doesn't and it didn't mean that I don't love you."

She sat down on the couch in the den and looked up at him.

"Oh, I know you love me, Dan. I never doubted that. I just know that you don't love me enough. Sooner or later, our marriage will end as long as there are three people in our bed and two women in your heart. The longer I wait to leave you, the more hurt I'm going to be. And I'm not doing you any favors either. You'll either go back to Holly if she ever realizes what an idiot she was, or you'll find someone new, someone not tainted with your memories of life with Holly, and you'll be able to love her without any reservations.

"You are so wrong."

"Maybe but that's the way I feel, and there's only one way I'll ever believe you might be able to get over her and start a life with me."

"Anything, just name it and I'll do it."

She looked into his eyes and said, "Then go to her and forgive her. Forgive her and mean it when you say you forgive her. And then come back and convince me that you've let go of all the hate and hurt you have for her. Then, I'll think about coming back to you."

He stared at her dumbfounded. Of anything in the world he could have expected to come out of her lips, this wasn't it.

It was hard to make his lips form the words, but he heard himself say, "Of course, I'll call her and talk to her. It's not going to be easy, but..."

"I want you to meet with her face to face and tell her that you forgive her for cheating on you and fucking other men and taking your house and your kids and breaking your heart. And it can't be just words. I'll know it when you come back to me if you're just saying it. You have to change your heart, Dan, or there's no chance for us – ever.".

He just stared at her until she stood up and then walked past him, opened the door and walked out of his life. He stood there for probably ten minutes before he walked into the kitchen and started eating the carbonara without tasting it.

He had to forgive a woman he had loved blindly without realizing that she was sucking other guys' dicks before coming home to give him a warm, wifely kiss that probably still had remnants of strange sperm in it. He had to forgive a woman who had fucked other men while married to him before meeting the man she had fallen in love with.

He had to forgive a woman who had thrown away ten years of intimate and casual and familiar nights in favor of a new life with a stranger. He had to forgive a woman who had destroyed his life and never even bothered to tell him why he hadn't been enough for her, had left him to wonder every night since what was wrong with him that all that love hadn't been enough to hold her. What was lacking, what was missing in him?

Why hadn't Caroline just asked him to fly by flapping his wings. He would have had just as good a chance of doing the one as the other.

He wrestled with it all that weekend while taking 7-year-old Bob and nearly 9-year-old Becky out to movies and a bowling alley because they had both just discovered the game, thanks to Bill's love of the game. He had grimaced when they first started talking about Holly's new husband and his interests.. But kids are good judges of character, and they seemed to really like this guy, so he could put up with catering to Bill-inspired interests.

And he wrestled with it all the next week after they'd gone home. He couldn't bring himself to dial Holly's number and when he had gone to pick up the kids that Saturday, he had not even been able to look in her eyes or say a word to her.

A week became two weeks and he had the kids again, even though the court order said she only had to let him see them every other weekend. He wasn't sure why she had turned into an almost human being, but every decent thing she had done had seemed to occur since she'd met and married this guy Bill.

Both children had asked, both weekends, where Caroline was. She had wormed their way into both their hearts and there was a palpable pall over both weekends when he had told them they'd had a little fight and she was living with her mother for awhile. They insisted on calling her, and them she was willing to talk to them. Both children had cried but seemed to enjoy talking to her. Although they indicated she was willing to talk to him, he begged off. He couldn't talk to her while her unsatisfied demand sat between them like an unexploded land mine.

Then it was a month and one day when he sat outside her office building in downtown Jacksonville he saw her walk outside with blonde Frank accompanying her to her car. As he watched, he saw the tall man lean down to kiss her lips and cup one breast where it couldn't be seen by co-workers coming out behind them. Dan saw her turn her face so Frank's lips grazed her cheek, but she let him touch her breast for a moment before shrugging free.

There was another little death inside him as he watched the scene. He had no doubt she had been honest with him and that she hadn't fucked Frank again. But Frank was in pursuit, there was no doubt of that, and little by little, he was claiming her. By the time the divorce came through, she'd fall into bed with him with no struggle at all.

Five weeks after their last talk at what had been their house, a man showed up at Dan's insurance agency office at 10 a.m. with an official looking packet. After he handed it to Dan and said, "You've been served," he turned and walked out. Dan picked it up as he told his staff he'd be out the rest of the day. Instead of going out and getting drunk, he found himself driving to Jacksonville Beach.

He walked the length of the beach from Jacksonville Beach to Neptune to Atlantic and back, probably 10 miles or more, over the next seven hours. There was a cold wind blowing in off the Atlantic and he only wore a light jacket, but it didn't matter. By 6p.m. it was almost pitch dark and he stopped to watch the stars come out from behind the clouds.

As he stood chilled by the night dew and the smell of approaching rain from off the ocean, he thought that the beach was a better psychiatrist than any $100 an hour pro. What he had wrestled with for weeks he'd resolved in a day on the dunes. His cheeks and eyes were wet with dew and moisture from the coming rain and tears that had ran down his face throughout the day. He felt like his clothes should be bloody because he'd torn out his heart and guts while walking the beach back and forth.

But he knew now what he had to do. And even though it would be the hardest and scariest thing he'd ever done in his life, he knew it had to be done.

He pulled up outside what had been his house in the dark and walked up to the door. Although it galled him to have to knock to gain entrance to a house he had bought and paid payments on for 10 years and put his own sweat into, he knocked.

A dark-haired man dressed in slacks and green shirt answered the door. He looked into Dan's eyes at the same level, meaning he had to be six foot or six foot one. His hair was closer to black than Dan's dark brown and he wore glasses over an big, aquiline nose, but other than that he was so close to Dan in appearance he might have been a brother.

"Dan," he said levelly.

"I need to see Holly."

A moment later Holly was standing slightly behind and to her new husband's side. Dan realized she had automatically reached out to take Bill's hand. He didn't want it to, but looking at her hit him in the guts as hard as it ever had. She was five four, blonde and curved with extravagant breasts and an ass that she had always agonized over as being too big but which was just perfectly abundant.

He couldn't look at her without visions of those fantastic breasts cushioned around his dick while he pumped between them until he squirted in her mouth and face and down those perfect slopes. He could remember the taste of her pussy as she orgasmed again and again in his mouth and the sound of her moans as she told him she loved him and especially loved his dick.

And he could remember the look in his eyes as he rested his weight on his elbows above her after cumming volcanically inside her and could see just how satisfied he had left her. It was the perfect storm of lust and love and for the life of him, he couldn't understand how it had all crashed and burned.

"What do you want, Dan?"

"I need to talk to you, Holly."

'if it's something about child support or seeing the kids, we either need to go through the attorneys or we could talk over the phone. We don't-"

"It's not about the kids. I need to talk to you face to face. Now."

There was something in his tone that made Bill step further between them and Holly step back. Bill put his hand up, palm out as if to stop Dan from advancing toward his wife.

"This isn't the place, man. This is our home. If there's something you're hot about, let the lawyers do their thing."

Dan just stood there staring at the man who looked so much like him until he dropped the hand and looked back at him as if trying to read his mind. Holly stared at him with an expression Dan couldn't read. He hoped it might be some trace of guilt and shame.

"Don't get your hackles up. I'm not here for trouble. I just need to talk to my – ex – wife for a few minutes."

"About what?" Holly asked, shifting from one foot to the other as if she was nervous, which she probably was. This was the most they'd said to each other – without screaming - in a year and a half.

"Not here, Holly. I need to talk to you alone. Somewhere else."

Holly and her husband exchanged glances. Dan didn't need to be a mind reader to know what they were thinking.

"No offense, Bill, but this is private, between me and the woman who used to be my wife. It doesn't involve you. And I want to do it somewhere other than here. This place has got way too many memories for me. Look, we've been divorced almost two years. If I was going to hurt her, it would have been when I still hated her guts. Or at least, when I hated her a lot more."

The couple exchanged another glance and he could see Holly begin to shake her head no.'

"Holly, you know I'm not going to hurt you. I was married to you for 10 years. I'm the father of your children. I loved you so much it almost destroyed me when I lost you. Doesn't 10 years entitle me to 30 minutes of your time?"

She looked over at her husband and Bill just looked at the floor. It was obvious he was tossing this one to her.

She twisted her hands together and wouldn't look him directly in the eyes as she said, "It's not a good idea, Dan. We've – things are – things are finally settling down. The kids have gotten used to their life with two new families. You seem to be happy with – Caroline. Why stir up..."

Dan stepped over the threshold into the house that would never be his again. This time she didn't step back, but Bill seemed to step sideways so that there was nothing between the two of them. Finally she looked up into his eyes and he thought it was the first time in two years they had really looked at each other.

"I'm not going to stir up anything, Holly. I'm not going to beg you to come back or call you names. It's just that I have to talk to you. Tonight. It can't wait. I'll explain, but I want to do it when it's only the two of us. For God's sake, how could you do what you did to me, take my kids, destroy me, and not be willing to give me a few minutes? "

Then he turned to Bill.

"Holly knows me, she knows I won't do anything to her. She's the mother of my children. I just want to talk to her. At the Shoney's a few blocks away. We'll have our privacy, but there will be people around if you're worried."

The two of them walked a few feet away and talked in low tones. Finally she walked back to stand in front of him, still so fucking beautiful it hurt Dan to look at her.

"Alright, Dan. You go there. I'll be along in a couple of minutes. I promise."

For just that second there was an intolerable urge to laugh and ask her if that promise meant as much to her as the promises she had taken a decade before to love and cherish him. But he stopped himself. It wouldn't do any good and if he insulted her it might end the last chance he had to win Caroline back.

He walked out without saying another word. He was waiting at a booth at the back of the restaurant when she walked in 30 minutes later. She seemed to slow down as she approached him and he could tell she didn't want to be there, or anywhere around him.

Well, fuck her, he thought. He was going to be damned uncomfortable so why shouldn't she be. She hesitated for a moment, then sat down across from him. They were the only people for four booths in any direction. It was already 7:30 p.m. on a cold November night. They probably wouldn't have too much business at this time of night. A waitress, fat, face lined and visibly wincing each time her feet hit the floor, came over to their booth.

"Nasty night to be out," she said. "What can I get for you folks?"

"Coffee for me. You?"

Holly shook her head. She had thrown on a sweater, but her arms still had chill bumps and something about the look of her creamy flesh with those bumps made him want to throw her down on the table, rip her clothes off and bury his cock inside her so deep it would never be extracted.

"Give her a coffee with extra cream and sugar. It will take the chill out. That's still the way you take it, isn't it sugar?" He couldn't resist the last word, remembering all the nights they had come into places like this when he had known he'd be inside her before the night was over. And it hit him hard all over again. Why the hell had she thrown him away?

A look of irritation flashed across her face, only to be followed so quickly he almost didn't catch it by sadness and damned if it didn't look like she was misting up. But she blinked the moisture away and said, "You still remember that?"

"I remember a lot of things, Holly. A lot of things I wish I could forget, but I can't."

She looked up at the waitress and said, "What he said. And a slice of cherry pie."

He wanted to smile at that but the memory hit him in the gut again. She loved the cherry pie they served at Shoney's and he never minded it because as she said, "every ounce seemed to go straight to my tits."

When the waitress left she looked down at the table for a minute, then met his eyes and said, "Alright Dan. What was so important that we had to meet like this. Talk. I can't be gone more than 30 minutes or Bill will come looking for me. Does it – have something to do with Caroline? The kids told me you guys were living apart."

He didn't realize he was going to say it until he heard her and then he heard himself say, "She left me. I got served with the divorce papers today."

She might just be a really great actress, but he thought that Holly looked genuinely saddened.

"My God, Dan. I'm so sorry. The kids really love her. And they said you guys seemed to be really solid. What happened?"

When he didn't answer her, she said, "Dan, I am genuinely sorry, but what does that have to do with me? Why was it so urgent that I meet you?"

"You're the reason she left."

She just stared at him as if not comprehending his words.

"what? How? She doesn't think that we-"

"She told me that I was still in love with you and that our marriage is a sham."

"That's crazy."

"No," he said slowly and finally looked at her and let his guard down. "She was right. I was just never honest enough to admit it."

She shook her head as if unwilling to admit the truth of it and said slowly, "You're still in love with me?"

"You had to know that. You don't hate somebody as much as I hate you if you don't love them that much. And I still do, as much as I did the day I learned you were fucking that asshole."

He took a deep breath. He had to get this out before his nerve gave way and he broke and ran.

"I don't want to be in love with you. I want to love Caroline. But you're still in there, crowding out any other woman I could love. I want you out of my heart. I want to be free."

The sadness on her face just seemed to grow as his words sank in.

"She told me what I had to do to have a chance to keep our marriage, and that's why I'm here?"

"What? Why?"

"I'm here to forgive you, Holly."

She looked at him as if he were speaking in some foreign language.

"What?"

"I'm here to forgive you."

She looked like she wanted to say something, but the words didn't come.

"I know what you did, but I'm tired of hating you, and loving you. You betrayed me and destroyed my life and threw the love I had for you away like yesterday's trash. I want to think you're a monster, a slut, a complete bitch, but I know that's not true.

"I had a lot of time to think today, to remember. You love the kids too much to be a total monster. I never thought you were completely evil. That's why you hurt me so bad. If you were just a rotten bitch and I had just made a terrible mistake in marrying you, I could have gotten over you."

Now there was a distinct misting in her eyes.

"but you're a decent person, except where I'm concerned. You're a good daughter, a good mother, a good friend. The people at your realty office like you. I'm the only person you ever treated like shit. I could never understand that. I still don't.

"But you must have had some good reason in your mind for what you did. Maybe I was never good enough in bed to keep you home. I didn't think so, but who knows. Hell, it's not that unusual. If you weren't mine, if I didn't love you so much, I could accept the fact that marriages fail. People fall out of love. It's just that – it's different when it happens to you."

The waitress walked up then at the tail end of his words and seemed embarrassed by what she had heard. She left the two coffees and the pie and scurried away.

He took a sip of the coffee. It was scalding and he welcomed the pain in his mouth. He concentrated on it for a few more seconds, then looked up at her. There were tears in her eyes but she hadn't said a word.