The Dumb About Men Club

"I'm sorry about those last few seconds, Dahl. I could feel the friction catching you, but I was sort of in a trance and it was so good." Rick paused to smile at me. "So did it suck? Was it horrible?"

"No," I said. "It didn't suck."

"Well that's a rousing endorsement. In that case, I guess we can set a date for the wedding."

Chapter 23

I wandered out of my bedroom about eight thirty to find Kenni and Shalimar in the kitchen drinking coffee. Rick drinks coffee. Did. Used to. Rick had been a coffee drinker. I rarely did. The smell made me think of him. The idea of not being able to talk to him every day punched a hole in my stomach.

Shalimar looked almost average without any make-up on. She was wearing a bright pink T-shirt that read '40 Hottest Rock and Roll Girlfriends and Wives' in big read letters across the breasts and underneath it in small black letters 'have nothing on me'. I groaned. Shalimar used to be a model and started dating Sam when he worked more as a musician than a set designer. This was obviously one of her "groupie" T-shirts. It was going to be a hell of a day.

I looked at Kenni. She had her hair neatly tied back in a pony tail. I noticed Kenni was wearing the diamonds.

She wore a white T-shirt with a conga drum on it. The writing was so faded I had to squint and walk up until I was about a foot away from her chest to read it. 'Save a drum. Bang a drummer.'

"Nice," I said and gave a little half smile.

Kenni turned around so I could read the back of the T-shirt. It had a picture of a full drum kit with the words 'weapons of mass percussion'.

Kenni turned back around.

"You're not even a drummer," I said to Kenni.

"Dude, everyone can dream."

"Hhmph," I said and then thought of Jake again.

I looked down at my morning garb. I was wearing my thickest blue terry cloth bathrobe over a large grey nightshirt. I topped off my ensemble with fuzzy grey-bunny bedroom slippers.

"I'm underdressed."

"Damn right," Shalimar said.

"You don't actually look like you need it, Sister, but everyone is better after coffee," Shalimar said.

What the hell, I thought.

Shalimar poured me a mug. I lifted mine in salute. "To Rick," I said.

"To Rick," Kenni said.

"To Rick," Shalimar said. "May he rest in peace, whether underground or under brisket."

We all drank to that.

Kenni opened my refrigerator and made a little squeak. She came out with a yellow egg carton. "Egg-oh-foo? What the hell is Egg-oh-foo?"

"It's egg substitute made out of tofu."

Shalimar stuck a finger near her mouth, made a retching sound and grabbed her stomach.

"Don't knock it 'til you try it," I said.

"How am I supposed to make an omelet out of this?"

"The same way you usually do. You won't be able to tell the difference."

Kenni looked at me skeptically.

"Swear." I held my hand up like a girl scout.

"Hmn," Kenni said and turned back to the refrigerator. "Soy cheese?"

"Kill me now," Shalimar said.

"You've lived in California too long," Kenni said.

"Quick, this is an emergency," Shalimar said picking up the telephone and pretending to press the buttons repeatedly. "We need some fried green tomatoes delivered here, ASAP!"

Chapter 24

We lounged around all morning. The omelets that Kenni made were fabulous and we watched Die Hard 2 on Rick's old DVD player. The movie ended victoriously and I felt a surge of triumph. I stood up in my fuzzy bathrobe and grey bunny slippers and gave a primal triumph yell.

Kenni laughed.

"You go girl," Shalimar said.

The phone rang. Shalimar answered. All she said was hello and then she looked a little grey. She hung up.

"What?" I looked at her.

"That was one of Rick's cousins."

"What did he say?"

Shalimar shook her head.

"It's alright. Rick told me they're all assholes. Just tell me what he said."

Shalimar's eyes were open wide, "He said Rick died because he was a sinner who let a TV whore move in with him before he got married and he hoped Rick's wife died too."

Chapter 25

The victorious high from watching the movie deflated instantly.

"Unbelievable," I said.

"They live in Alabama, right?" Shalimar said.

I nodded.

"Well, that explains it," she said.

I smiled, but my heart wasn't in it. Georgians and Alabamans make fun of each other all the time.

"I love you Shalimar, I'm glad you're here." I looked over at Kenni. "I'm so glad you're both here."

"Yeah Kenni, I'm glad you're here too. I need someone to hold my diamonds," Shalimar said.

I smiled but the strength that I was feeling before was gone.

"You look like I felt when Gideon left," Kenni said.

I nodded. "We both just got slammed hard against the end of relationships," I said. "So now we need to mourn."

I looked at Shalimar and scrunched my eyebrows together. "We need time to grieve." We were silent for a second.

"This is a fried okra emergency," Shalimar said.

"No. Definitely not," Kenni said. "This is a chocolate emergency."

"This is a Jimmy Choos, Steve Madden, Manolo Blahnik emergency," I said.

"Chocolate," Kenni said again very firmly.

"I wonder if I have chocolate ice cream?" I whispered to myself.

Shalimar gave me the 'yeah, right,' face. "You? Miss health nut?" She got up and walked towards the kitchen. "I doubt it."

"Shali, you're doing the driving for an emergency supermarket run. You're the only one not devastated by..." I stopped myself. "Exhausted by, man loss."

Shalimar came back from the kitchen smiling at my change of words. She held out her hand to Kenni for keys to the Astro. "Anything else you temporarily pooped out fools need from the store?"

"A new boyfriend," Kenni said.

"High-heeled boots," I said.

"Yikes," Shalimar said. "Got it."

Chapter 26

We looked out and there were reporters camped out on our lawn.

"I think we should get someone to bring the ice cream to us," Kenni said.

"I know just the Good Humor Man for the job," Shalimar said.

I heard Jake arrive with the groceries but I took the coward's way out and stayed in my room. I never knew something that was so right that was so wrong.

I could hear him chatting with Shalimar and Kenni but he didn't stay long.

It's safe to come out, Wimpy, Shalimar thought at me.

There were six bags of groceries.

"Really Shalimar?" I said.

"Dahl. I got a look in your refrigerator. Okay, actually I didn't, but I heard Kenni this morning and she had to make breakfast omelets out of egg foo young."

"Egg-oh-foo," I said.

"If you think I'm going to eat tofu, alfalfa sprouts, or wheat grass, you're not in shock, you're insane. It takes fat to maintain this gloriously voluptuous body. It takes fat. Yes it does. The bad fats. Fat and salt and sugar and lots of it."

Kenni and I both moaned, although probably for different reasons.

Shalimar began unpacking groceries. She handed Kenni a pint of ice cream. Kenni and I got spoons out and began eating chocolate marshmallow deluxe out of the container.

We watched her unpack frozen dinners, cake, croissants, butter, eggs, milk, wine, lamb, and brisket. "For Rick," she said she unpacked the last one. She unpacked pecans, peaches, green tomatoes, and okra. "After all we are in Georgia, honey." She unpacked grits, cheese, and cornbread meal.

I groaned. "I hate grits."

"I remember," Shalimar said. "But you don't have to eat it. Otherwise what were we going to eat for breakfast?"

"Weight control, high-fiber oatmeal?"

"Oh God," Kenni said.

"Not on your life, Sista. Not while I can still walk, breathe, and have a credit card," Shalimar said.

"Not by the hairs on the chiny-chin-chin of your Piggly Wiggly supermarkets," Kenni said.

Shalimar unpacked a bottle of Hershey's chocolate syrup and handed it to Kenni who squeezed it directly into the pint of ice cream we were eating.

"Yuck, too much, Kenni," I said.

Kenni looked at me. "Are you crazy, you can never have too much ice cream or too much chocolate."

"It's you can never be too rich or too thin."

Shalimar looked at me. "You have been in California too long."

"I've been back in Savannah for months!"

"And you're still eating Egg-fool-yourself?" Shalimar shook her head.

I stuck my spoon stubbornly in the ice cream and left it there.

"More for me," Kenni said hogging the container.

"I need to stay slim," I said.

"Why?" both Kenni and Shalimar said at once.

Why indeed. I was a toned size ten because I worked out six times a week, without fail, and ate healthier than anyone I know. I had really done it because to get anywhere in the entertainment industry you had to look as good as possible. But after my burnout, that was no longer my reason, it had been more out of habit. Now I had a new reason.

"I want to be hot, look killer, and feel comfortable naked." I smiled slowly. "So that when I seduce Jason, "call-me-Jake" Jacobson, he doesn't know what hit him."

Chapter 27

"You have a funny T-shirt? Come on, change into it," Kenni said.

"I don't have any. Wait, let me think." I shook my head. "None."

"We'll go down to the funny T-shirt shop on River Street tomorrow. Before or after the spa, and definitely," Shalimar said and then paused to glare at Kenni "after we get you a good cut and color."

"What if I don't want a good cut and color?"

Shalimar stared at her. I blinked.

"Just kidding."

"Good thing, Sista because I am not going to walk around my hometown next to someone so obviously, desperately in need. People would think that I didn't take care of my own."

"For a second there I thought that I would have to re-guilt you again," I said, "and if that didn't work, that Shali might drag you there even if she had to tie you up."

"Speaking of 'tie you up', we need to be on the look out for a fourth witch so you can get your man," Kenni said.

"What does that have to do with tying anybody up?" I asked.

"The sooner we get Jake for you, the sooner we'll be free to focus on some spells for me. A man with balance who likes to tie me up in bed but not in my life."

"Too much information, Kenni," I groaned.

"And now that I'm totally ready for a new man this morning, we'd better get on it."

"I'll never look at a man as long as I live," Shalimar said with the back of her hand to her forehead. Her voice impression made her sound exactly like Kenni.

"That was before I was wearing 18 million dollars worth of diamonds."

"Dang," Shalimar said. "I should make a new rent-a-confidence program. I'd be rich."

"You're already rich." I said.

"Yeah, well, there is that."

"Anyway," Kenni said. "Now that I'm wearing the diamonds, I can see clearly. From their sparkle, probably."

"From looking at yourself in the mirror so much because you're wearing them, probably," I said.

"Anyway, I've been thinking, I'm ready for a new man."

"The hell you are," Shalimar said.

"Kenni," I said gently at that same time.

"Or at least I will be by the time Jake asks to marry you."

I pictured one hundred bricks falling into the silence that caused. Some of the bricks fell on my head. I blinked.

"What?" Kenni said. "You do want him to marry you, right?"

"I hadn't thought that far, Kenni. I just want to use his body for my own lustful purposes. And for my own comfort. I need him. I just need him to help me not feel about Rick. Rick was like..." I shrugged. "Well, we talked almost every day for the last ten years. I'd call him when I was in traffic, which in LA is all the time, when I didn't know what to wear, when I needed someone to remind me to take deep breaths before a big meeting, when I wanted to hear bad jokes. Then for the last few months I've been in bed with him too."

I looked up at the ceiling. I'm not going to cry, I'm not. "I can't deal with the loss, I can't. It's like my stomach will eat itself unless I have Jake nearby. I can't explain it. When I think about Jake, I feel bubbly. Right now I just want to ..." I made a chewing motion. "...chew on him."

"You realize how sick you sound, Sista, right?"

"Um..."

"That you are totally using Basketball Jason as a distraction from feeling your own pain."

"Hey! I'm entitled." Oh my God. Did I just say that? Where did that come from? Yick.

Shalimar gave me one of her looks.

"Well, yeah, I realize it."

"And Miss Spooky Witch over there is trying to help you," Shalimar said, pointing at Kenni.

I looked down at the floor. "Yeah."

"And you're okay with that?"

I looked up as I thought about it. I remembered my dream from last night. "Yup."

Shalimar sighed loudly. "Don't say I didn't warn you."

"Okay," Kenni said and looked up as if she were talking directly to God. "Record amended. I will be ready for a man by the time call-me-Jake Jacobson asks you to chew on him."

"That's better," I said. "At least I can breathe when you say that."

"Which means we need to find a fourth right away," Kenni said. "So Jake gets chewed on, I get me a new man, and then we can work Shalimar. Although, she's worse than Barbie. This one," Kenni paused to point one plump finger towards Shalimar, "really does have everything."

"And unlike Barbie, her knees bend," I said.

Shalimar smiled, but for the first time I sensed that there might be something that might be missing in her life that she longed for too.

"Which means we have to be on the look out, attracting to us, thinking about, a fourth," Kenni said.

"It sounds like some kind of disease."

"So I've been meditating on it,"

"Aw, Jeez," Shalimar said.

"And these are some things to look out for. It doesn't have to be any of these things but it probably will be. It should be someone who represents south."

"So we look for someone who likes grits? That's the whole city, except Dahlya."

"No, no. Who represents south, not "the South."

"She making sense to you, Granola Girl?"

I smiled. Shalimar had come up for that name for me once, about eight years ago when I baked my own granola one Sunday.

"Not a lick."

"Look, okay? Dahl represents west."

"As in wicked witch of?" Shalimar asked.

I stuck out my tongue at her. It was probably a good thing the three of us hadn't spent much time together since high school. When we were together we acted sixteen.

"Dahl's always been obsessed with California, Arizona, Oregon."

"Hawaii," I added. "Hello Big Island."

"So of the four corners, she represents the west."

I nodded and shrugged at the same time. It made as much sense as anything else.

"I've always been obsessed with the Atlantic Ocean," Kenni said. "And things from the Orient. So I'd represent the east."

I nodded again.

"Shali would be the north."

"If you call me a Northerner I'll have to rip your hair out and Christopher will have nothing to work with. Oh! Maybe I can catch them now." Shalimar went off to the phone and phone book. "Go on, I'm still listening."

"Shali represents the winter and the north. The cosmopolitan aspect."

"Okay. It's weird, but I see it," I said.

"So what we're missing is something that represents south. What's south from here?"

"Florida," I said.

"Hi y'all," I heard Shalimar say in a tone of voice that made me think she was talking to an answering machine. "This is Shalimar Leggond. I'm in town with McKenzie Wong-Levinson, and boys, this is a true cut and color emergency. You get us in this afternoon or first thing in the morning and I'll bring you a pint of ice cream and get you a copy of the new Janet Jackson CD, signed. Call me back right away, hurry. Wait, what's the number here?"

I told her and she repeated it into the phone.

"Please gentlemen, please. When you see Kenni you'll know what I mean, we can't go out until we see you. We'll wait for your response."

"You missed your calling," I said.

"I should have been what?"

"I don't know, but with that much drama over a hair cut, something for sure."

"North energy." Kenni said.

"So, I'm west," I said pointing a finger to my chest. "You're east," I said pointing a finger towards Kenni.

"Yes, and Shali is north. To draw the four corners for power, we need someone who represents south."

We paused. "Okay. What would that person be like?"

"Soft spoken spoken, gentle, and something that really represents south, so I think maybe Hispanic."

"Hmmn," I said.

"And I'm thinking she should be blonde."

"What?" Shalimar and I both said at once.

"Well, it's not absolutely necessary, but Shalimar has black hair, Dahl, you're a brunette, I'm a redhead..."

Shalimar snorted.

"So it just seems logical that our fourth would be a blonde. Round us out you know."

"Sista, we'll play along with this if you promise to go to therapy," Shalimar said.

"Deal. Now she might not be any of these things, she might not even be a woman."

"Argh."

"And I think she'll be short."

"Okay," I said and smiled. "Why?"

"Shalimar's 5'10, you're 5'8, I'm 5'6. So, I'd say we're looking for a blonde Latina who's shorter.

I rolled my eyes towards the ceiling. She doesn't need therapy, I thought at Shalimar, she needs a mental hospital.

"If this new fourth witch can move objects with her mind, I'm coming out of retirement and getting a film crew."

"Hey, that would be a bonus. I didn't think of that. None of us can do that. Right?" Kenni squinted at Shalimar. "You'd tell me if you could move objects with your mind."

"I can move objects with my credit card."

"Okay. We're still on the same wave length. Dahlya's always been precognitive, prone to premonitions."

"And Shalimar has always had a magical magnetic force," Kenni said.

"That's because she wears Versace! If I had her clothing budget I'd be a magical magnetic force too."

"And I've always been a ..."

"Bullshit artist?" Shalimar said.

"Attention hog?" I said.

"I was going to say persuasion." Kenni said.

"Good grief," I said.

"You have no mystic power," Shalimar said. "Singing is a talent, not a magic."

Kenni continued as if she hadn't spoken. "And we all have some empathetic abilities or y'all wouldn't have been able to receive that vision of Dahl as a knock-out that I sent to you," Kenni said.

What vision? I thought, what's she talking about?

"We, do not all have telepathic abilities," Shalimar said. "I have abilities and I enable them in y'all."

"Technicality," Kenni said.

"The Baker Act. That's when you put people in an asylum temporarily against their will, right?" Shalimar said.

"If you can prove that they're a danger to themselves or others," Kenni said without missing a beat. "If they are doing the world a favor by getting one handsome firm butt naked, you laud them."

"Oooh," Shalimar said as we were both treated to a picture of what Jake might look like from behind while taking off his jeans.

I cleared my throat.

"Right," Shalimar said.

"I'm not meant to sleep alone. I am destined to sleep next to that butt. I'm a pre-cognitive, I know these things," I said. I was trying to joke but it didn't cheer me up. I let my head hang down to my chest.

"Okay, powerful women, there are people who wait for things that might never happen and there are people who make things happen," Kenni said. "Which ones are we going to be?"

Chapter 28

I pointed at the phone. It rang.

"Oh my God!" Kenni clapped her hands together. "You haven't done that since we were in high school."

"It hasn't been that easy since I was in high school."

It rang again.

"Okay, Okay," Kenni said. "Who is it?"

"It's Christopher's getting you in for an emergency. That's not that hard to figure out, they're Janet Jackson fans." I turned to look at Shalimar. "If you could get them a signed Cher CD we could probably all get hair cuts for free."

"We're in," Shalimar said.

"Well, get dressed," Kenni said. "We have a blonde to find."