The End of Things Ch. 14: Hypatia

Even at this distance, my first memories of Alexandria are clear as crystal. I have a vision of Heaven; it is Alexandria as I first saw it.

The paved streets, the marble, the elegance and majesty of the buildings, the hot water, the luxuries, the sheer beauty of it, all hit me as Charmion walked us to the Mouseion. Of course there was another side to it, as I would discover. But the awe Alexandria inspired in me remains to this day. As I look out on the estuary, here at Gariannonum, and the ruins of what was, by Britannia's standards, a high-status building, I can only sigh and long for the arrival of the ship that will carry me back there. Even if I wished to remain here, amidst the ruins of the fort, I could not. Here, as there, the forces of darkness pursue me. Guthlac, like the rest of them, would not know the Truth if it bit him. I have seen the way he looks at me. I know that look.

The Mouseion was an impressive building of marble and brass. It looked like what it had been, some Temple to the old Gods, but inside, ah inside! The ceilings were so tall that they seemed to stretch to Heaven. Despite the oppressive heat, it was cool inside, cool as a spring morning. Amazingly, for a place full of people moving about, it was also quiet.

"If you will take a seat here," Charmion said, "I will see whether Hypatia can see you now."

"What is this place?" Stumpy asked.

She might well have asked. Although, as Hypatia told us later, the building was but a shadow of what it had been at its zenith, it was still the most impressive thing I had ever seen. It housed codices and papyri, and scholars who studied there. It housed, too, some of the greatest minds of the age, as well as the writings of their predecessors. I could cry to think of its fate. Must all things fall away? Augustine was wrong, the barbarians are not at the gate, they are in the building and destroying it.

But back then, oh, what joy, what abundance, what blessings it contained. I once told Hypatia, to her evident amusement, that if a person could know all the things contained in its library, we should have no need of God.

"You will make a philosopher yet, Carwen," had been her reply.

She believed that philosophy would save the world. She believed in the power of reason and goodness. The world, she used to say, simply needed more education. The task of the Mouseion was to produce teachers who would bring out the best in their pupils. She overestimated the power of reason, and never, even at the end, understood evil and its appeal. For me then, as now, that is one of the lessons my Faith teaches me. We are a fallen race. Through Love and Grace we might rise, but not through our own efforts alone, and not though the power of reason.

Hypatia and I never agreed, and as her intellect and learning, like her beauty and her kindness, far exceeded mine, I could never win the argument; but how I wish that she had been right.

But I get ahead of myself. The candles flicker here, there is a north wind coming in over the Estuary. I hear the chanting of the monks, and when they are silent in prayer, the sound of the waves. As the candles go out, one by one, it reminds me of the last decade and more. I shall wrap another shawl around myself. Let those in need of it seek physical discomfort and call it asceticism. Reflecting on what has been harrowing enough. When, oh when will that ship arrive? Merlin said it would be here before the end of winter, but already I see the snowdrops. Whatever Guthlac says, he will not let the sisters keep this place. I hardly care what becomes of me, but I long for the sunshine and I long for Lesbos. How long, o Lord, how long? My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

Last night's gloom has given way to a bright spring morning, and the news that the ship will come soon. I shall continue to pen this account, though for whom, I know not. Still, like Calliope so long ago, I think there is a value in having some record. Besides, our little Mouseion on Lesbos still survives, and maybe one day, when women rise, my words, like hers, will tell sisters of the unimaginable future that there have always been women like them. Fanciful? I thought so last night in the chilly gloom, but a fine spring morning with the birds singing restores my spirits. It is best to write about what comes next by day. By night - well the darkness comes, and I will not make it blacker.

The three of us agreed that even in Marseilles, we had seen nothing like this. I am told that in Constantinople and Rome there are libraries to rival what I saw there, but not having seen them, I cannot say. But what I can say is that even Merlin, who joined us after stopping outside to talk to someone, was impressed.

"This," he said, "is the centre of all wisdom. Those pitiful barbarians with their force, know not what they seek to destroy."

We were spared further pearls of wisdom by Charmion telling us that Hypatia would see us now.

If, as the Bible tells us, God's house has many rooms, well I know what I want my room there to look like - Hypatia's study.

We were shown in.

Oh that room, that room! Floor to ceiling down one whole wall were codices. Along another there were drawings and murals. In the centre was her round table, piled high with papers; scented candles made the air fresh and sweet. And then there was Hypatia.

Her figure was like that of the statues the Greeks made of Aphrodite, and I could have gazed upon her for ever and been happy. Her hair was long, black, and lustrous, her lips full and darkest pink, her eyes almost black, shining with wisdom and, sometimes, with mischief. Her smile was like a summer sun - warm, all-embracing, it drew you in.

"Carwen of Britannia, welcome to the Mouseion. These must be your companions, the stout and brave Stumpy and the beautiful Bella?" Then, turning to Merlin she said:

"The all-seeing Eye recognises you and sees you."

Merlin answered:

"The all-seeing Eye sees you and is recognised."

They smiled at each other.

"Good to finally meet you, Sage. I have that you seek here."

Turning to her table, she picked up a scroll.

"Take this to Charmion and she will take you to our workshop. You will tell me over food later whether it is what you need. May the Eye see you forever!"

Merlin took it, and bowed.

"I had not known till now, my Lady that you, too, were a servant of the Eye. May it reward you for your wisdom."

Smiling, he turned and left us.

"Now. Bella and Stumpy, if you go with Merlin, Charmion will show you to your quarters and where you may bathe - and relax."

They both thanked her and left.

"And now, just you and me, Carwen of the Britons. Sit. Would you take some wine?"

I smiled as she picked up a jug and some glasses.

"Please."

"You have it?"

I produced the copies of the letters of Junia.

"Excellent, excellent, these I need. I have copyists here, but were they to work on these, it would become known, and that I do not want. I take it that Junia has told you of Kirill?"

I nodded.

"Kirill is not to be underestimated. He may be a man of hot temper, but he is clever, and he is skilful. Speaking of which, you have that Shroud?"

I was taken aback. I knew she was not a Christian, so why would the Shroud interest her? As though she was reading my mind, she went on:

"It would be a fine thing if Kirill were able to give it to the Patriarch and the Emperor at Constantinople, it might even assuage his wrath against me."

Seeing my puzzlement, Hypatia went on:

"Kirill is the successor of St Mark, the Bishop of Rome, the successor of Peter, and the Patriarch the successor, he claims, of St Andrew. In fact his power rests upon the Emperor, and Kirill plays skilfully. balancing between Rome and Constantinople. If he had your Shroud then he would be able to please the latter greatly, which would win him favour with the Emperor, and help his attempt to make himself the ruling power here in Egypt."

Carefully I showed her the Shroud.

"I cannot tell how this was done. There is no paint, no oils, no marks save those of the thorns and nails. It may well be real."

"Do you not believe?"

"Oh Carwen, what I believe is immaterial. As it happens, yes, I think your Jesus lived and died as your books say, but what interests me is the power play of Kirill and the work done by Junia."

She explained to me, as we drank, that Kirill was in dispute with the Governor, Orestes, about who had jurisdiction over the Church. Kirill was defying Orestes, and was buying favour in the imperial capital. If he had something like the Shroud to offer, then the Emperor might rule in his favour, which in turn, might take the pressure off Hypatia, whom Kirill saw as trying to deny him what he wanted most.

"But I forget myself, Carwen. Can you stay a while?'

I looked at her, longing to say yes.

"I need to take the letters of Phoebe back to Lesbos, and Merlin, the Sage, will want me to return with him to my homeland."

She smiled.

"And, Carwen, what will you weigh in the balance? Once he has the Greek fire, why would he have need of you? But perhaps there is some handsome lover back in your homeland, some man of parts who counts the days to your return?"

Was she teasing me?

"There is none such."

Her smile would have lit a dark cave.

"I thought not. So, will you go back with him?"

I should like to have seen my family again, but that apart, what was there for me? And whatever there was, it was as nothing compared to this place.

"I am pondering it. Can I put it another way? What would there be for me here? How would I manage to live?"

"Managing to live, Carwen, or living?"

I could tell she was enjoying playing.

"There's a difference?"

"Not for most, no, Carwen, but there can be. What is it you live to do? Most have to do what they can to live, but here in the Mouseion we have a rare opportunity to really live. Here we explore the vastness of our human experience and of the natural world and even the stars, here, Carwen there is life in its fulness!"

Her enthusiasm lit something in me.

"But Hypatia, I am a simple girl from the backwaters of the Empire."

"If that were so, Carwen, you would not be here. Why are you here?"

"I wanted to find out more about the Amazons, and about women, and also to help save civilization."

She smiled.

"Large ambitions for a simple girl. Carwen, I see possibilities in you, Stay with us for six months. Your material needs will be taken care of, and in return you will tell my scribes about Britannia and add to the riches of our library."

I was stunned.

"But what can you want to know about our backwater?"

"Everything. All knowledge is good Carwen. We have here, and you can read them, some codices about Caesar and his conquest of your lands, but they are from Roman sources. I should love to be able to add your account to that. Besides, if you stay, you can ferry things between here and Lesbos, which would be a great boon. And, if you would like, we can look after you for that time. You can stay here in our lodgings - you can even attend lectures and classes. How does that strike you?"

It struck me with the force of a rock catapulted at a wall. I literally could think of nothing I wanted more in life.

"And after six months."

She gave a broad smile.

"If you wish to stay, you stay, if not, we shall expedite your journey back to the fogs."

"Hypatia, I accept."

And with that the course of my life changed.

There is, of course, looking back, a case for saying it changed the day I left Britannia, and now I am back here, I cannot say that I would disagree with that. But it was only when Hypatia opened out the wider horizon that all things became new to me. I have never, for a moment, regretted my decision, though the heartbreak it brought is with me still. But what would the alternative have been? To have gone back to what? A forced marriage? Endless war against an enemy who never stopped? An early death at the hand of a marauding Saxon? No. I am content.

"Well, Carwen, you are one of us now, one of the Sisters."

Those words ring in my ears now in the context, as the Holy Sisters finish morning prayers. There is a western wind. The ship will come today, I know it.

After accepting Hypatia's invitation, she took me to a wonderful courtyard with olive trees and fountains. I saw Stumpy and Bella, looking rested and content. We joined them for what was a wonderful meal of olives, bread, meat, and vines.

"This," said Stumpy, "is the place for me! Good food, pretty women, and great company."

"You like it here, Stumpy?" Hypatia asked as we ate.

"I do. I shall miss it."

"What if I told you Carwen was staying here and that you and Bella are welcome to do the same?"

Stumpy looked bowled over.

"What would an old warrior like me do here?"

"What she would do elsewhere, protect the weak against evil. We have need of a strong warrior Stumpy, and if you would join our Guard, that would be most welcome. And you, Bella, well a woman of beauty is always welcome, and our sculptors would enjoy shaping marble in your shape."

My companions were as overwhelmed as I was. I smile as I remember those words. Those wonderful statues of Bella, I wonder what has become of them? Well, to be immortalised in stone is no small thing.

The one person not impressed by it all was Merlin.

He joined us later in the day, smiling broadly.

"The servant of the Eye thanks you, lady. We shall, with your permission, depart on the morrow?"

"I am pleased you have what you came for, Sage. A ship will take you to Marseilles and thence the Eye has prepared onward passage."

"I thank you. Carwen, are you ready?"

"I am not going Merlin. I am staying here."

The scowl on his face was like a storm cloud.

"You can't, you MUST come back with me."

We had come to it, I realised. Until this moment the face that our missions had differed had not mattered; now it did.

"I will, Merlin, but not now, There are things I need to do here and on Lesbos."

He turned to Hypatia.

"She is not of the Eye, why do you want her here? This is your doing. Send her back with me!"

I intervened.

"I am not a package, Merlin. You have the fire. I have other things, and let's face it, what use am I back at Gariannonum?"

"That's not the point! Your father entrusted you to me."

I looked at him.

"We both know that I came because I wanted to. I stay for the same reason. I am my own woman!"

I could see that displeased him. But it was so.

I did not see him again until the following morning, and the afternoon was taken up with a tour of the Mouseion.

Stumpy liked the Guard Room, and it was clear that the other female guards liked her. I was struck, suddenly, by the resemblance with the set up on Lesbos. Was this another Amazonia? I knew I had to stay. The fact that the other women also liked Bella was obvious, and pleased her.

Charmion then took us to the sculpture room, where the artists more or less fell over themselves for the chance to work with Bella.

My companions would be happy here too.

And then I attended one of Hypatia's lectures.

Her students, male and female were enraptured. I cannot pretend that I understood much of what she said about Aristotle and Plato, but I knew genius when I saw it.

I watched as they crowded round her at the end to ask questions. She loved it. It was as though she bathed in the crowd and its search for knowledge. That was what drove her. She truly believed that the world could be saved by Reason.

Our quarters were in the lodging houses attached to the Mouseion. We had our own little house with its own courtyard.

"Well," Stumpy said, "this will do us well."

She was happy, she said, as she could alternate between Alexandria and Lesbos. Bella was delighted that her beauty was giving so much pleasure, and said so.

"Speaking of pleasure, Bella, am I welcome back in your bed after my dalliance?"

Stumpy sounded so uncertain that it was almost amusing to hear her like that. Bella adored her and had been understanding about Adriana. She smiled knowingly at Stumpy.

"If that big demon of yours is still mine?"

Stumpy grinned.

"As if it ever wasn't. Carwen, you are welcome to stay, but I want Bella, is that okay?"

I grinned back. She knew I liked to watch, and anyway, it was that time of the month. So I sat back and watched.

Bella, clearly delighted to be back with her lover, was on her knees quickly, as Stumpy pulled her tunic up to reveal her "demon" - a large phallus which was strapped to her with a harness.

"You are going to make that nice and wet Bella?"

"Why?" Bella giggled, "I'm already dripping for you!"

"Do as you are told you little slut!"

"Yes Miss," Bella smiled and began to suck the tip of the phallus. To watch her tongue and her lips was to see how much she wanted to please Stumpy. Of course she had been right, there was no need for any lubrication, but that was not the point. Stumpy was asserting her dominance and demanding Bella's submission, which was willingly and eagerly given.

Bella's head bobbed up and down the shaft, and she was so vigorous that occasionally she coughed and spluttered. But she gave it her best shot, gripping Stumpy's bottom as she sucked the phallus.

I could see from the way Bella was squeezing her thighs together how much she wanted to rub herself, but until, and unless, Stumpy allowed it, she would refrain. That just added to her pleasure.

"Now you little slut, head down, ass up, I am going to take you hard. Are you my little bitch, Bella?"

"Oh yes, yes Stumpy," and she barked as she presented herself.

I could see how she glistened. She had not been exaggerating - she was dripping.

Stumpy gripped her hips, manoeuvred to put the phallus where it needed to be, and then, with a great cry, entered her, which made Bella cry out even louder.

Sometimes I had seen Stumpy take her time, but tonight she wanted to reclaim Bella, and for Bella to know who owned her. She pounded so hard that on the inward thrust Bella's cunt squelched. Her bit tits swayed as Stumpy pounded her.

Skilfully, Bella arched herself so that on the inward thrust, the phallus pushed up against Stumpy's clitoral area, which made her groan with pleasure. Even in the heat of her desire, she did not forget her lover's pleasure.

It was primal. But it was also loving, each giving the other what she needed. So when they came together, the climax was for them both, lust and love mingled as closely as their sweat.

To watch was to be allowed to see them as they truly were, and as such, a privilege.

As Stumpy finally pulled away, she smiled at me.

"I do love her, Carwen."

To which an exhausted Bella replied:

"And how!"

There was, in that, a vigour which gave life to their love, and as I settled down to sleep, I wondered whether I should ever be fortunate enough to find that.