The Five Deadly Rules of Heartbreak

I had a very hard time even touching Mary. The thought that she had given what was once mine to another made my head spin. More than once after a hug or quick kiss, I would run to the nearest toilet with nausea.

Then the game changed. When I got to work the next day, Bob called me into his office. He said that corporate wanted to send me to New York to update the branch office's security systems. I looked at Bob with a big question mark on my face. "Me?"

"Yes, they asked for you by name. They want you to fly out Monday morning and return Friday. They want you to update all the workstations and servers in the New York office."

"Bob, I don't do that kind of stuff. Updating software is an IT job. Why me?"

Bob replied, "I have no idea. I tried to explain that's not what we do and that is definitely not what you do. But they were adamant. It has to be you. No one else."

Then I realized what this was. My wife's lover wanted me gone for a couple of days. I guess that they were not getting enough quality time together. I resigned myself, "Okay Bob, I'll go."

"Thanks, I have never had cooperate make these kinds of demands and I hope they don't continue." He handed over a couple of airline tickets. Oh, I thought, this crap will continue as long as Larson is out of jail. I just decided to kick my revenge plan up a notch.

Later that night, Mary, and I were having dinner. Life around the house had been different lately. I had been doing my best not to strangle her and she had been doing her best not to have sex with me. (I tested the waters a couple of times and made an attempt at a seduction, only to get shot down, coldly. Not that I could have followed through if she agreed, but I wanted to keep up appearances.)

I mentioned that I had to go to New York for the next week. She pretended that she would miss me. This is when I found out about Mary's involvement. Mary let it slip how excited she was about the theater next week. But when I looked up from my plate, she quickly changed her story to say she was going to the "movie" theater with her girlfriends to see the latest chick flick. I pretended not to notice the lie.

I wondered where Larson's wife was going to be. She must be out of town too. What excuse did he use for her? I needed a scotch. I had been using scotch as an anesthesia more and more lately. That was not a good thing.

Mary's participation in this New York farce brought her into my crosshairs. The next day, I opened a couple of accounts in her name at both the downtown banks. Before the weekend, I logged in and altered a couple more invoices. I sent a couple of the rebates to Larson's accounts and a couple to Mary's new accounts. Both would go down now.

I could feel my whole persona changing, I was no longer the nice, fun loving guy everyone knew; a darker side of me was emerging, a side I didn't even know was there, a side I didn't think I was going to like very much.

Damn, I thought, their account people must be slow. What is taking them so long to discover the thefts?

The trip to New York was both interesting and educational. The flight getting there was not good. I hate flying. Since 911, flying has become such a hassle. The added time needed to get through all the security made it a drudge. I am always exhausted when I arrive. This trip was no different. I went straight to the hotel and crashed. The next day, bright and early, I was at the branch office. I had the entire office updated by 2:00 p.m. the first day. I spent the rest of the day and the following day looking for things to fix: worn cables, a couple of graphic cards, and a bad hard drive. All in all, the trip was a waste of my time. With each passing minute my anger at the adulterous lovers grew. Tuesday night I went to the hotel room and never left again – except for one quick trip to the top of the Empire State Building – and left for home on Friday.

I came home exhausted on Friday night. I gave Mary a quick peck in the cheek and went straight to bed. I think she appreciated that fact that she didn't have to make up an excuse to turn down any of my advances for sex.

One thing the New York trip did accomplish was to question my view of the final outcome of this mess. What did I want the end to look like? What about Larson's wife, Caroline?

During the next couple of weeks, I did get the opportunity to log into Larson's system a couple of times. I hoped those auditors would get a clue soon. By now, we were talking some big dollars sitting in those accounts.

Then they sent me to Denver. Bob called me in and said that the New York office was very happy with my work and they wanted the same thing in Denver. I looked at Bob and he just shrugged his shoulders. He said he had no clue why I was going and I believed him. When I got there, it was the same thing. I spent a couple of days on System Security 101, and the rest in the hotel room.

Using Mary's computer I logged into the lover's fake bank accounts. All told, there was over a million dollars in them. It was a given that Mary and I would be getting a divorce. Then I thought, is this money community property? I laughed to myself.

However, over the next few days the thoughts of the money kept returning. If I sued Larson, I would probably win a big chunk of money. Couldn't I just take this money and call it even? I fought with the implications of this. Was I trading an immoral act for an illegal act? Was I that kind of person? But they had ruined my life. Gutted me and stolen my manhood. Was I even thinking straight?. Fuck them, let's do it.

A week later they sent me to Miami. But this time I had a plan. I wrapped up all the security upgrades by Tuesday and on Wednesday morning I was on a quick flight to the Bahamas. It was very easy to open a bank account in Larson's name down there. I made another trip to the Grand Caymans and opened another bank account in Mary's name. I was back in Miami in time for my flight home and arrived back at O'Hare very tired. I went straight to bed and didn't wake up until noon on Saturday.

Two weeks later, I was on a plane to Boston. The logistics were a little more challenging, but I still had time to sneak over to Zurich to open a couple of accounts there. When I got home, I began moving the money to the overseas accounts. I also, moved the money from one account to another at various times.

This is the way it went for the next couple of months. I was sent on a fool's errand every three weeks or so. Seattle, Phoenix, Atlanta, etc... The Phoenix trip afforded me the opportunity to jump to Mexico City to open an account there. This added another offshore account to flow the money through.

At home, I kept logging into Larson's accounting system and altering invoices and forwarded the money to the local banks. From there it was sent offshore. I think the planning and sneaking around was the only thing that kept me sane during this time.

My life with Mary had become one of roommates. We shared our lives when they collided, but she had her own world and she could not let me see any of it. I attempted to bring us together, but nothing worked. Whenever I attempted to get close, she began some kind of argument. Most of these arguments were over the most insufficient things, like how I put the dishes in the dishwasher, or putting my coffee cup on the counter rather than in the sink. Many times, I felt that these arguments were manufactured to deny me affection.

One sneaky event that I was very proud of occurred in November. I got a hold of Mary's calendar and noted a day when she and Larson we to be at "lunch". I waited until their lunch date started. I got a dozen roses and went to her office. All the girls in her office just gushed over the flowers and what a great husband I was then said, unfortunately, Mary was at a meeting. They were just leaving for lunch and I just asked if I could leave the flowers on her desk. They agreed.

I moved into Mary's office and quickly shut the door. I sat at her desk and logged into her computer. From here, I fixed a couple of invoices and logged into one of the bank accounts. I knew that this would leave a trail. If those auditors ever got a clue, this would help. I then went into Larson's office and did the same.

While I was on Larson's computer, I decided to look around a bit. Buried deep was a folder of pictures. I opened it up and saw various pictures of Mary in numerous sexual positions. This hurt, but not as much as in the beginning of this affair. I copied the folder to a thumb drive that I always carry. I left quietly.

When I got home that night Mary was all over me because of the roses. She said that that was so romantic. I even got a blowjob out of it. Hey, a blowjob is a blowjob. I never turn one down. It was one of the best nights we had in a long time. But, I knew that tomorrow it would be back to my wife, her lover, and me.

About a month later, I informed Mary that I was going to take a French class at the local community college. The class was Tuesday and Thursday nights. She could barely contain her glee. Two more evenings she could spend with her lover. This was part of my new exit strategy and any time way from Mary was less stressful. The manufactured work trips continued and didn't hinder the classes. I spoke to the instructor, he understood and I ended up with a "B" in the class.

The affair showed no sign of ending and the auditors showed not sigh of catching on. I wondered how these guys got to be so successful, and then I remembered Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Never mind.

I knew that the whole thing was going to end soon. Mary's company had to close out their books by the end of the fiscal year. They had to catch the missing money by then and they did.

I was on another trip when Mary called me in a panic. I was sitting at the hotel pool in Los Angeles when she called. She said that some kind of audit was going on and that she was going to be late. She said don't bother trying to call her that night. I sipped my banana fuzzy umbrella drink and said, "Yes dear. Good Luck."

Quickly, I pulled the pin on my exit strategy. I moved the funds to the Mexico account and grabbed a plane down there. I withdrew all the money in bearer bonds and stuck them in a safe deposit box in Los Angeles. Mary called me at about noon and said that there were some problems and could I get home quickly. I said that I was not finished with the security work, but would try to get home by Thursday. I ordered another of those banana drinks and smiled to myself. Well the shit storm has arrived.

The next morning the Internet had news accounts of the two of them being arrested. The headlines read, "Executive and mistress in massive swindle." The pictures were not flattering. The article stated that funds were siphoned from various accounts for the lover's personnel uses. The article continued stating that the auditors had traced some of the money to the Grand Caymans and that they would contact Cayman authorities to get access to the account. Bail was set at one million dollars – each.

I arrived home Thursday night and was at the courthouse early Friday morning. I used the house as collateral for the bail money and Mary was released to me by about 2:00 p.m. We drove home in silence while Mary cried. Once at the door, she ran up to take a shower. She said she had to get the jail smell off her. I recalled a similar run up to the shower after last year's awards dinner. I poured myself a scotch and waited downstairs.

A few minutes later Mary came down dressed in a long bathrobe. She sat across from me and explained that she hadn't done anything wrong. She didn't take any money. She was innocent. She never said a word about the affair, neither confirming nor denying. And I never brought it up. I said it must be some kind of mix-up and that we would get an attorney and fight it.

It was very frosty around the house while waiting for the trial. Mary spoke very little and said nothing about Larson. My life limped along. I went to work and came home. That's about it.

Larson decided to fight the charges together with Mary and they met occasionally with their attorney. Other than that, Mary did not leave the house. I don't know if their affair continued or not. I do know that Larson's wife, Caroline filed for divorce.

Mary was trying to be nice to me. Usually, Mary had some kind of meal prepared when I got home. Although she never spoke of Larson or the past year, I guessed she was trying to bury it and keep us together. She attempted to seduce me a couple of times, and I let her.

I followed the case in the newspapers at work. The paper said that the feds tracked the money from the Caymans to Zurich and then to Mexico. They said that they lost the trail there. So far, no money had been recovered. I kind of expected the police to come to arrest me, but so far none had.

As the trial neared, Mary was trying harder to please me. Unfortunately, it was too late. I met with a divorce attorney had had him draw up the papers. The trial only lasted three days. By this time the press had forgotten all about the case and had moved on to other scandals.

Mary and Larson sat at the defendant's table at opposite ends with the attorneys between them. I attended all three days. I listened as the auditors described the crime and how they tracked the money. They laid out a good case with links to Larson's and Mary's log-ins. The defense tried to argue that the passwords could have been hacked, but then the prosecution connected the transactions to Mary's and Larson's computers.

They were both screwed. The prosecution laid out Larson's character as being controlling, manipulative; and portrayed Mary as a gullible co-conspirator. I think the jury bought it.

After three days the jury retired to consider the verdict. Mary and I found a small conference room and sat. I wanted to end this. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the divorce papers. I had listed irreconcilable differences as the cause. Mary took them sadly.

I said, "I was going to file for adultery."

Mary quickly interrupted, "But that was never proven."

"But, I have pictures."

That shook her. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a stack of photos. I took the first of the stack and handed it to her. It showed Caroline and I at the top of the Empire State Building.

"Not adultery on your part. But on mine." I continued, "Larson's wife Caroline came over to my office on the day of the awards dinner last year. She had a private investigator following her husband and had proof of his affairs. I say affairs, because you were not his first. I was devastated and I called her a liar. I didn't believe it until the dinner. I know you went off with him sometime and I know he took your panties. The next day, I sent her an email to apologize." I had tears in my eyes.

"When you and Larson sent me to New York, I knew what the trip was for. It was so that you and Larson could get together. I wondered what you did to get Caroline out of town, and I was surprised when she showed up at my hotel room door on that Tuesday night. I invited her in and we ordered a couple of bottles of wine from room service. We sat on opposite beds, got drunk, cried and compared stories. She said that the private investigator recorded your phone calls when you were planning my trip. Before Larson had to think of a reason for her to leave, she volunteered to leave town to visit her mother. We spent the rest of the trip in the hotel room. The only time we went out was to visit the Empire State Building. I said that I had never been there and Caroline acted as my tour guide. You may not believe this, but Caroline and I did not touch each other the entire time."

I gave her a couple more pictures. They showed Caroline and me in Denver.

"She showed up in Denver. She played some of the recordings of you and your lover. Mostly the ones where he was convincing you to cut me off from sex. I learned then why our sex life had died. It was over a bottle of scotch that Caroline and I held each other. Caroline and I were not in love. We were just a couple of poor souls pushed together by the actions of our mates. Together we tried to heal the wounds caused by Larson and you."

I laid out more pictures of Caroline and I, Seattle, Phoenix, Boston. The pictures showed Caroline and I enjoying the sights and places that Mary and I talked about.

"We were becoming good friends with benefits by then." I said.

Then I gave her the pictures from Miami. The pictures showed Caroline in a bikini. She looked good. In addition, there was another girl in the pictures.

"That other girl in the pictures is a good friend of Caroline's. Remember when I told you my fantasy of having two girls at the same time. Well let me say it was everything I thought it would be."

Mary was crushed. She had tears in her eyes. I felt bad too. If she had confessed her sins somewhere along the way, we may have been able to get past it. If she had come to me long ago and said that she wanted out of our marriage to be with Larson, I would have been hurt. But, I would not have been destroyed like I was. I was sorry for the whole mess.

I got up to leave and said "Good bye Mary, I loved you once." And with that I left.

I was completely packed by the time the verdict came in. They were both guilty. Since none of the money was recovered, Larson got sentenced to seven years. Mary got three years plus two years of probation. My attorney had the power to sell the house and all the remaining contents. I gave him direction to pack up all of Mary's stuff and put it in storage. All the money from the house was to be put in an escrow account for Mary along with half the savings. I was on a plane to France by midnight.

I sat on my veranda looking out over the Côte d'Azur. From my deck I could see the beach. I was a good three blocks from the beach and walked there most every day.

As I sat, drank a good bottle of Cote du Rhone wine, I contemplated that year. I moved to the south of France and had not been back to the States in over a year, since the verdict. I had not spoken to or heard from Mary. I became a lonely recluse here in my chateau. I call it that but in reality it is nothing more than a small house. But it is mine.

Caroline has visited a few times, but that relationship will go nowhere beyond "friends with benefits." Good benefits, mind you. Her friend did come along one time and it was just as good the second time around.

Caroline did quite well in her divorce and she will make some lucky bachelor very happy. If he can overcome her distrust issues. She knew about my scheme to pay back Larson and Mary. She felt it quite fitting for the both of them. She is happy with her life and is moving on. I, on the other hand, have issues.

Although I don't have to work, my ill-gotten gains can support me; I set up a little on-line business. I write software for integrating systems. Same thing I was doing for Bob. I can do it all from here. I got a couple of contracts and it keeps me busy. I even got an email from Bob. He recognized my work and offered to steer a couple of clients my way. I thanked him. The ladies at the patisserie laugh at my poor French and everyday they attempt to teach me a few more words. I figure that by the time I'm a hundred years old I should have it mastered.

I have recovered some from Mary's betrayal and divorce. But I am having a harder time justifying my own actions. I remember reading a case study in a college psychology class. The case described a husband that went missing and turned up again years later. The case said that this husband was just getting out of work one day and he disappeared. He lived in the San Francisco bay area with his wife and two young children. He was getting off early because the Oakland Athletics and the San Francisco Giants were playing a World Series Game that day.