The Food Desert

Amazingly, he was still alive, but every gasp for breath sounded like it might be his last. Kara was beside him, holding his hand and touching his face. The look of grief on her face was heartrending. I just watched for a few minutes, unwilling to break their connection. Kara noticed me, and without letting go of his hand, reached out to me. I stood beside her holding her other hand as she talked softly to her husband.

"Stevie's here, honey. I told you he'd show up."

Her conversation surprised me. Most spouses would have been begging their partner to hold on. Not Kara. "Honey, I love you more than life. I'll be devastated when you pass. But you're in such pain it breaks my heart. Let it go, love. Go to where the pain is over and know I'll be joining you soon. I can't wait to see your smile again and have you wrap me in one of those special hugs. Find peace, baby."

It seemed to me he gripped her hand tightly, then let out a long sigh and stopped breathing. It was a powerful transcending moment as we listened to him pass. Kara moaned and had me help her up. Then she bent over and kissed him one last time

She turned to me without a word and folded into me, crying with the force of a truly broken heart. After a few moments she pushed back and sat beside Bob again, taking his hand. "Would you tell the Hospice nurse he's passed? And Stevie, please ask her to wait a few moments before she starts the procedure."

I gently shut the door and went to find the nurse. "He's gone. Kara said for you to start the procedure, whatever that means. She also wants us to give her a little time to say her final farewell."

The woman nodded her head. She was early middle-aged, but her eyes looked old as the universe. "I'll make some tea."

She obviously knew where everything was and soon had the kettle going, laying out the service. While it boiled she made the necessary calls, telling them to wait thirty minutes before showing up.

Kara came out of the bedroom twenty minutes later, nodding silently at the nurse and taking the cup. She sat at the kitchen table stirring in the sugar and cream. I sat beside her in silence. If she wanted to talk she would speak.

*****

The officials came and went, noting the time of death and releasing the body to the funeral home. The nurse went through the medicine cabinet and bedroom, removing all his prescriptions and flushing them down. It seems Bob was on some pretty potent pain killers.

Done, she hugged Kara and left. We still sat at the table as she idly stirred her now cold tea.

"You must think me a horrible person."

The comment surprised me. "If you would have asked me that twenty years ago, the answer would have been yes. We've both grown up since then. You've matured into a honorable and caring person. Why would you say that?"

"Because I didn't beg him to stay. You never saw him when he was healthy. He was a vibrant man, rarely staying still, full of curiosity and life. To watch him wilt away into the husk that was left broke both our hearts. He deserved to go, Stevie, and be free of the pain. I think he held on as long as he could from worry over me."

"He was your husband; you were the love of his life. He was right to worry. If it's worth anything, I think he understood there at the end and was probably grateful for your gift. If I ever marry again I'll pray that my wife has the courage you have."

The nurse got me aside before she left. "I put a mild sleep aid in her tea. It's hers, from a prescription her doctor gave her when she went for a physical. Try to get her to drink it if you can. She needs the rest. Tomorrow is going to be a difficult day. You are staying with her, right? She'll need somebody when she wakes up."

I hadn't thought that far ahead, but agreed. Kara drank about half her tea before she started yawning. "I'm sorry Stevie. I think emotions are getting the best of me."

"Kara, you need to go lie down, try to get some rest. You'll be busy tomorrow and will need your strength. I'm staying the night and I'll help."

Seh didn't object when I pulled her up and guided her gently to her bedroom. Kara didn't bother to undress, just kicked off her shoes and lay down. "I'll lie here for just a minute before I get ready for bed. Take the biggest guest room at the end of the hall. It has the best mattress."

She went to sleep while she was still talking. I found a blanket in the closet and covered her, gently rubbed her cheek, and went to bed. When I started owning stores in three states I developed a habit of carrying a small suitcase. I retrieved it, stripped down and had a hot shower. Just before I lay down I checked on her. She was curled up to the pillow beside her. I hoped she had peaceful dreams.

I was up early from force of habit, so I started coffee and started putting breakfast together. The smell must have awakened her, and she stumbled into the kitchen.

She didn't say a word, going straight to the coffee-maker and filling a cup. She sat and drank the whole cup before she spoke. "I'm numb, Stevie. Just numb. I know I have things to attend to today, but I can't muster up the will to do them. He's gone. He's gone and he's never coming back and there's nothing I can do to change it. What's to become of me?"

"You learn to live again. You don't think I went through the same set of feelings when Sandy was killed? It was six months before I could function as a reasonable human being. I think it was a year before I smiled or laughed. You carry on, honey, because you have no choice."

I sat down and took her hand. "Now shower and get dressed. We have things to accomplish today."

The meet with the funeral home went as well as could be expected. The memorial and cremation was arranged, and she picked out the casket he was to lie in state in. "He loved yellow flowers. Can you have a spray of them for his casket?"

The associate who handled us was really good at his job and assured her it would be to her satisfaction. He took her hand just before we left. "We thought a lot of your husband, Mrs. Blankenship. We'll make sure he gets the very best. You have my word."

She sobbed twice and gave him a tremendous hug.

I was more than a little surprised to find Grandma Vasquez, Mom and Alice waiting for us when we got back to her house. They wrapped her into a three-way hug and walked her in the door, looking over their shoulders pointedly. I made myself scarce for a few hours.

Mom found me in her backyard on a glider, swaying gently back and forth. "She's resting now. She needs it, so we'll leave her alone. Does she have any family we need to notify?"

"None that I can think of. Her mother and father have both passed. She had no siblings. There's a few cousins scattered about but I don't think any were close or they would have been here by now."

"Well then. We'll stand by her. I need to tell you something I suspect you already know. Kara loved Bob deeply but he's gone now. You know she's been talking to us and the subject has always been you. When her period of mourning is over and she's truly over his death, she's going to start pursuing you. She's loved you since she was a teen and it never fully went away. Can you handle that?"

Despite what my family thought, at times, I wasn't a complete idiot. I knew from the moment she introduced me at the awards dinner she had never gotten over me. Had I ever gotten over her? I think I had, when I met Sandy. But Sandy was gone. Bob was gone. Time would just have to tell.

I said as much to Veronica as I kissed her forehead.

*****

Nine months went by. I didn't hear from Kara for the first four, and then she started emailing me: just general updates. She had thrown herself into her business, adding another office in another city, and it kept her moving. She had sold her own home, trying to get away from the ghosts, and lived in a small condo.

The emails got longer, chattier, remembrances of better times. She talked about Bob a little, saying he would always hold a place dear to her heart.

She'd ask me about my love-life indirectly, before telling me she hadn't been out socially in a long time except for business functions, in almost two years.

I didn't win National Businessman Of The Year, and when it rolled around again I was asked to present the regional award to that years' winner. I couldn't refuse. Instead of an email I called Kara.

She said very little, at first. After a couple of minutes I asked her if she would be my companion for the awards. There was silence for a bit. "You mean kind of like a date?"

"No, I mean exactly like a date. If you don't want to go that's fine. I'd really like it if you said yes, though."

There was no indecision in her voice. "Book us a suite. Just to be clear, I will not be sleeping with you, but I would enjoy your company. I'll come in a day early and stay the day after. Agreed?"

I was smiling when I put down the phone.

*****

She showed up on time and I got her settled in the suite. Kara gave me a kiss on the cheek and said she was going to take a bath. "I want to be fresh for wherever you take me tonight."

I took advantage and caught a shower while she soaked, dressing casually in jeans, a white shirt with no tie, and a sports jacket. She called out to me just as I was finishing.

"Stevie, a little help here?"

I walked into her room and stopped. Her hair was perfect, her makeup flawless, and she was wearing the perfect little black dress. Two inches above her knees to show off the legs I used to love, her feet in four inch heels to heighten their beauty. She grinned at my reaction and turned around. Her zipper was all the way down.

"Zip me."

Her back was flawless, smooth and supple, marred only by the tiny straps of her black bra. My hands shook as I helped her. Done, she turned around, gave me a light kiss on the cheek and picked up a small clutch purse.

"Where are we going?"

"I seem to remember you liking surprises."

She just grinned and took my hand. I remembered how much she liked BBQ, and took her to the best in town. She had to wear a plastic bib to keep the sauce from the ribs off her dress, but she had a ball and ate like the pig she was consuming. It took her half-an-hour to clean up. She sat in the car cradling her stomach and moaning slightly. "I haven't eaten that much in years! Please tell me you're taking me to a nice quiet movie, where I can pass out gracefully. I need you to promise if I start snoring you'll wake me up."

Her eyes widened when I pulled into the parking lot of the club. There was a sign out front. "Sandy Bottoms Shag Club. Big dance tonight!"

Shagging is a Southern tradition going back to the forties, a mishmash of the jitterbug, the foxtrot, and a handful of other dance forms. We had loved it when we were kids. Our very first vacation was a weekend trip to Myrtle Beach just to shag dance. We both skipped lunch for two months and scrimped on groceries to pay for it, and it was one of the best vacations we ever had.

After the first dance the jacket and high heels came off. We did pretty well considering we, or at least me, hadn't done it in twenty years. Kara twirled with abandon, giving the others a full view of her great thighs. We lasted thirty minutes before we had to stop.

She collapsed in the chair, laughing and fanning her face. "You know we're going to be so sore in the morning."

"Speak for yourself. I intend to sleep like a baby and jump out of bed rarin' to go."

She just grinned and said she'd see. We lasted until eleven-thirty before we had to call it a night. Kara was asleep before five minutes had gone by, and I learned she did snore now. I woke her when we got back to our hotel and she clung sleepily to my arm as we made our way to the suite.

I showered and slipped on a pair of boxers. I nearly jumped out of my skin when I went into the bedroom to find Kara sitting on my bed in a red silk gown that showed a lot of leg.

"I know I said I wasn't going to sleep with you but I've changed my mind. It's been over two years since I slept beside someone, and I really don't want to be alone tonight. Don't try anything because I'll shut you down fast. I need the intimacy and cuddling tonight. Will you sleep with me?"

I didn't hesitate. "Still sleep on the right?"

Her sleepy smile lit up the room. "I do. You still hog the covers?"

"I never hogged the covers!"

She giggled. "If you say so, honey. Snuggle time, now!"

Of all the things I'd done, of all the things I'd been through, none of them prepared me for it. Sleeping in the arms of my first love after 22 years was something I never thought would happen. Kara was out like a light after we snuggled down. I must have lain there two hours, thinking, as she gradually closed the space between us. When I finally did go to sleep she was snuggled under my arm, her hand across my stomach. She was still there when I woke up.

I felt her move and knew she was awake. Her hand came up to my head and pulled me down for a kiss. It was slow, and gentle, and went on forever. She sighed and flipped the covers up.

"I'd snuggle more but I don't think you've developed a taste for golden showers. I gotta go!"

I laughed as she scampered off to the bathroom. I heard her sigh of relief from the bed. She was in there a long time. When she came out it was pretty evident she'd been primping a little. Her hair was perfect. I could taste the mouthwash when she kissed me and I detected a little makeup around her eyes. It suddenly hit me she was 43 and was trying to cover the little wrinkles. She was always vain about her looks. I pulled back.

"You're right, Kara. I like golden slumbers, not golden showers, and I don't think you do either."

I was standing over the bowl, my stream sounding loud in my ears, when the door opened. Kara leaned against the jamb, grinning. I was aghast. "Kara! What are you..."

Her laugh overrode what I was trying to say. "Relax honey. If you remember, I've seen you naked hundreds of times. I don't remember your butt being so tight back then. How often do you hit the gym?"

"Four or five days a week. After Sandy, it was either hit the gym or the bottle, and if you remember, I was never much of a drinker."

She nodded sadly. "I know how you feel. When Bob stopped... being able to be intimate, I'd hit the machines and try to work off a little tension. It's important to me that you understand I never once thought about straying, but I will admit I used a lot of batteries over the last two years. How about you? Have you gotten back on the horse, so to speak?"

"No. I never even thought about it for a year, and even then I could find no one who could hold my interest."

"My God! Your dry spell is even longer than mine."

She shook herself and shocked the hell out of me by pulling the gown over her head. It appeared that the gown was all she wore to bed. "Come on. We both need a shower."

It was surreal. We soaped each other up. It was slow and gentle at first but things heated up quickly. By the time it was over she'd brought me to climax with her hands, and I'd buried three fingers into her, listening to her squeak as she peaked. We leaned against each other when it was over, snuggling until we were pruny.

She jumped out laughing. "Boy, did I ever need that! I'd say by the way you painted the walls of the shower you were a little overdue as well. Now let's get dressed. There are people we need to see."

*****

We had lunch with the female members of my Tribe, as I'd started calling them in my head. My two remaining Grandmothers, my little Asian mother, the girls, even my two "aunts," the wives of Jose and Dan. Michael and Miguel couldn't make it because they were two states away, finalizing the deal on another store. Most of the children were there and they swarmed around the yard, calling me to play with them. The ladies thought it was a good idea so I went outside. I would have dearly loved to have been a fly on the wall, listening to what they had to say.

The kids ran me ragged for an hour or so until they finally called us in to lunch. They were all grinning that woman grin that lets you know something's been decided and there's precious little you can do about it. Even Kara was grinning as she held a two year old on her lap, feeding her. I felt a pang of regret, as much as I wanted children, being a part-time father held no appeal to me, even back then. She looked up and a shadow crossed her face. I think she knew my thoughts.

She sighed when we were back in the car. "How do you keep up with the birthdays?"

"Amy put a program on my laptop. It gives me alerts about birthdays, anniversaries, important school events or sports the kids may be involved in. I make as many as I can and never fail to at least send a nice gift."

She smiled. "I never would have believed it. 'Steven Moore, Patriarch'. "

"More like Steven Moore, sucker. Those kids and even their parents know they can wrap me around their fingers."

"You wouldn't have it any other way. Admit it."

"You're right. My family wasn't exactly close, except for my grandmother. My birth-mother has little to do with me; she doesn't exactly approve of my life choices, and honestly, I'm fine with that. What I have with the people we just left is true and unfiltered love. They could have looked at my skin and rejected me out of hand. They looked at the person instead. People could learn a lot from my experience. What I learned from Grandma Celia alone could fill a book."

To my surprise she made me stop at a florist and had me wait in the car. She came out with two small arrangements and had me drive to Forest Lawn. "I'd like to say hi to Celia."

We stood in front of her grave. I wasn't the least surprise to see a few more flowers by her headstone. Kara carefully placed the flowers, whispering something I couldn't hear. Then she straightened up and smiled.

"Here," she said. "A man should always bring his wife flowers when he can."

We walked four rows over and stopped. "Sandra Moore, loving wife and mother." I couldn't help the tears that leaked down as I placed the flowers. Kara stood close, holding my hand.

I stepped back, holding her hand tightly. "There's something I need to tell you. No matter what happens between us going forward, no matter how close or intimate we get, when I pass I'll be laid to rest here, beside Sandra."

Her smile said it all. "As you should. I need to tell you the same thing. When I go, I intend to lie beside Bob. We owe them that, if nothing else."

We were quiet on the way back to the suite, each lost in our own thoughts. I surprised her by stopping in the lobby. "I've got an errand to run. I'd take you along but it's business and you'd be a distraction. I'll be back in an hour, maybe a bit longer."

"Go ahead, honey. I think I'm going to have a long soak. This day has given me a lot to think about."

*****

Kara was stunning in her evening gown, a dark green that went to her ankles, showing the four inch heels she wore. Her hair was piled atop her head in loose curls, highlighting her slender, elegant neck. I told her how great she looked. She thanked me, and told me how distinguished I looked in my tux. I'd broken down and purchased one and had it tailored. As long as I didn't gain or lose more than five pounds I could wear it the rest of my life.

It was worth the look on her face when she saw what I did on my errand earlier. I'd picked up my "other" car, a 1984 Corvette. We had often admired them when we were young, both knowing we could never afford one. Three years before, I'd been in a town scouting a new store. GPS told me there was a blockage on my route and sent me an alternate way. I was going through a quiet neighborhood of older houses when I saw it sitting in a drive, the "for sale" sign kind of faded. I didn't have time to stop, but just as soon as my meeting was over I went back.