The Grove of Love, Desire & Freed

"Breathe normally and count from ten backward."

A mask came over my face; "ten-nine-eight - - seven - - - six ----- fi…"

I was floating down a long tunnel that was swirling with all the colours of the rainbow. There seemed to be no up or down, and I revolved slowly as I moved towards a white light that I thought was the end of the tunnel.

I felt no discomfort or anxiety, only a sense of weightlessness and peace. Only one aspect seemed odd. I felt both inside and outside myself. It was I floating down the tunnel, but I also seemed to be outside myself watching my body as it turned gently in its progress.

The light at the end of the tunnel drew near and I drifted smoothly out into a wide-open space. As I emerged from the tunnel the two selves, the observed and the observer seemed to come together as one, and I stopped turning to land lightly on my feet.

Looking round I found myself to be in an extensive garden riotous with varicolored flowers. There was a grassy pathway that led towards a grove of laurel bushes and dark green Cyprus trees. I set off in the direction of the grove and noticed that my feet were bare. I then became aware that I was naked, yet felt no urge to seek something to cover myself with. All around me seemed to be in a state of primal innocence in which there was no good or evil, virtue or vice. I was pervaded by the spirit of the place, and felt a wonderful purity of heart and freedom.

As I drew near the trees, I saw, without surprise, the tall figure of a man approaching me. He wore a simple long green garment reaching from his shoulders to his ankles. His raven hair flowed down his neck, to cascade over his shoulders. As he came towards me, his feet seemed hardly to touch the grassy path.

When he drew near, I tried to determine his age. It was a fruitless effort. He seemed neither young nor old. I felt that he was as young as the present moment and as old as eternity.

He raised his arms as if in blessing. "Welcome, daughter."

"What is this place?" I asked.

"This is the Sacred Grove of Atis, goddess of fruitfulness and love. I am her high priest, Amak."

"Why am I here?"

"You are a chosen one of Atis, to serve her."

"Serve her, how?"

"That you shall learn, daughter. Now you have a decision to make. You may return to the place from whence you came, or may come with me into the grove, where you will be initiated into the Circle of Atis."

I tried to remember where I had come from, but could only recall physical pain and heartbreak.

"I will come with you, Amak."

We entered the cool shade of the Cyprus trees, and as we walked along we came upon people, many of them couples walking hand in hand, and again exhibiting the same ageless quality as Amak. I asked him how this could be.

"In your world," he said, "people wear masks they call 'personality' to cover the real self that lurks beneath the surface, and to deceive others. Those, like yourself, who come to this place, yet are enamoured of the lies and deception of the place they have just left, choose to return. They return to a world in which in time the marks of their inner corruption will rise to the surface, until all can see what they have kept hidden."

"Here, we wear no masks. What is on the inside is also on the outside. What we say is what we mean. Where there is no inner corruption, there is no outer corruption."

He pointed, and looking in the direction indicated, I saw, with no feeling of astonishment or shock, a couple copulating on a low grassy bank. They murmured to each other as they clung together. I could not hear the words, but by the look on their faces, I think they must have been speaking of love.

"You see, my daughter, nothing is hidden here. Nothing needs to be hidden. In the other world, such a sight would have given rise to derision and jealousy. Foul jokes would have been made, the couple perhaps arrested."

"Here we see only the beauty of a man and a woman united in sensual love. Either of them can say to the other, 'I desire you,' and if that desire is returned, they love as you see them now."

"Love!" I felt a pang of sadness.

Amak said, "Yes, we know, daughter. You gave love to one who did not return it and who deserted you when the pain first came upon you. Then you withheld your love and body from one who desired you, despite your inner desire to be at one with him."

How he knew my thoughts I did not know, but he had spoken the truth. My love had been spurned by one and withheld from another. I recalled the feelings and the occasions of my rejected love, and my refusal to give myself, but I could not remember with whom. Only the memory of the pain and misery remained.

Amak touched my forehead. "Be at peace now daughter. Here you shall give and receive freely and openly."

As I felt his touch and heard his words, the pain faded, and I became at peace with myself and all around me.

As we proceeded deeper into the grove, I saw other people copulating, men with women, men with men, women with women, and love seemed to sing in the air. There seemed to be many pregnant women, and children playing everywhere. I commented on this to Amak.

"Yes, daughter, we serve Atis the goddess of love and fruitfulness. We desire to be fruitful, and our women delight in their fecundity. To carry a child within them is an occasion to rejoice. You will see for yourself how happy are those who are with child."

We came to a small glade, and through it coursed a stream.

"The Brook of Tranquility," Amak said. "Here will begin your preparation for the initiation ceremony."

"What is this initiation, Amak? Is it frightening?"

I knew that in the other world initiation ceremonies, especially those performed on women, could be agonising.

"Have no fear, daughter, all is gentleness and peace here."

He pointed to a wide low couch set under a bower.

"There you will lie from sunrise until the sun is at its zenith. We know that your desire is for men and not women, so any man who desires you may approach you and be joined to you, but, should you not desire the man, you need say nothing, for he will know and not come upon you. If Atis blesses you, she will fill your womb with child."

If all this had been said to me in the other world, I would have been horrified. I knew there was one who had longed to impregnate me, and I had refused him entry into me. It was strange that I could recall the circumstances, but was unable to conjure up the face and form of the one I had turned away. And to be taken with multiple penetrations would have frightened and disgusted me in the other world, but here, it seemed right and proper to give myself in this way.

Amak had drawn me to one side of the glade where there was a little arbour. Two dazzlingly lovely young girls stood there.

"These wood nymphs will attend you, daughter. Their names are Scilla and Rehmannia. They will tend you well. Now I must leave you but will return just before dawn tomorrow to take you to the place of initiation. Sleep in peace, daughter."

The sun was now low on the horizon and Scilla said, "Sister, we must cleanse you in preparation for tomorrow's initiation."

They each took one of my hands and led me to the brook. I was invited to step in, but the water looked cold.

"Step in, sister," said Rehmannia, "you will find all is well."

I put my foot into the water, and it was neither cold nor warm, but simply soothing.

The two wood nymphs stepped in with me and began to wash me. They were particularly careful to cleanse my organs of reproduction.

The two of them kept up a barrage of cheerful chatter, telling me how fortunate I was, and how on the morrow I was going to be loved as I never had been loved before.

People passed by, some of them men who stopped to look at me. They seemed to need no words to communicate desire. I felt desire for some of them, but the nymphs shooed them away saying, "Our sister is an initiate, and no man may come into her until tomorrow after sunrise." The men went on their way.

When my purification was complete, they dried me with soft towels, and then, taking me back to the arbour, they took a cloth from something standing there that I had not noticed before. It was a large mirror, but like no mirror I had ever seen before. It seemed to be made of burnished metal of some kind.

"Look at your reflection, sister," said Scilla. "See how beautiful you are."

I looked, and was amazed. In the other world I had been forty years of age and worn down by sickness and anxiety. I had born the marks of childbearing on my stomach and thighs. Lines had started to appear on my face – yet still he had desired me, but who was it that had desired me?

Seeing myself now, the lines, the marks of childbearing, all gone, I saw the face and form of a lovely ageless woman, her breast ripe, her body as sensual as a panthers.

I turned to the nymphs, but before I could ask my question they giggled and Remannia said, "It is as Amak has told you, the beauty that is within you is now open for all to see."

Scilla gave another giggle. "Many men will desire you tomorrow. You must sleep now to be rested for the initiation."

I looked for somewhere to sleep, but saw nothing resembling a bed or bed covers.

Again I was about to question the nymphs, and once more, they were before me.

"Just lie down, sister, and all with be well," said Remannia.

"But there are no covers," I protested.

"And you will need none, sister. Here the very air will cover you."

I lay down as bidden, and she was right. Beneath me, the ground was soft and yielding and I felt myself secure and at peace as a weightless mantle seemed to embrace me. I slept.

Scilla gently shaking my arm and saying, "Sister, Amak is here," awakened me. "You must eat and then there is the final lustration."

Amak came into the arbour and looked at me. "Peace be with you, daughter. You look more beautiful than even we could have thought. Surely Atis will bless so lovely a child as you."

I was given slices of something that looked like bread, but tasted like nothing I had ever experienced. It satisfied and seemed to energise me.

When I had finished eating I was taken to the brook again, and my organs of reproduction were once more cleansed.

Amak took my hand, and with the nymphs following, he led me to the couch I had seen the day before.

"Lie down here, daughter, the sun is about to pass above the horizon."

Remanniah placed a loose cloth on the couch and I lay down and found the couch moulded comfortably to my body.

Amak approached and bent over me, first kissing my genitals saying, "May Atis bless your womb." Then he kissed each of my nipples saying, "May Atis grant you a fountain of milk to nourish the blessing that you may receive from her."

Finally, Scilla gently stimulated my clitoris to ensure I was well lubricated.

The sun was up, its rays filtering through the branches of the Cyprus trees that surrounded the glade, and I could hear the murmur of the brook. The nymphs sat on the grass beside the couch, and Amak departed saying, "I shall attend you again when the sun is at its zenith."

I lay waiting and people began to gather in the glade. A man approached and whispered to me, "I desire you, sister."

I spread my legs wide and laid my fingers on the outer lips of my vulva, parting them to indicate he could enter me.

He bent to kiss my breasts saying, "I thank you Atis for this gift of beauty."

As he came over me, I studied his face. I felt I knew that countenance, but my mind could not focus on where and when I had seen it.

I took his erect organ into my hand and guided him into me. He began slowly as if relishing me. There floated into my mind dim memories of violent and abusive couplings – but where? When? With whom?

He was very tender and I felt pervaded with love. His ejaculation was preceded by a gentle moan and ended with a sigh.

He stayed with me for a minute or so, but already there were other men desiring me.

The next came upon me, and repeated the breast kissing and the giving of thanks to Atis. Again, I knew the face.

Having witnessed my first coupling he was more highly aroused and ejaculated into me more speedily than the first man.

During the first hour I received seven men, each with a face I knew – the face of one I longed for – one I should have…should have what?

I wished that the couplings could have been longer and had been preceded by pre-penetration loving, but there were many men waiting who desired me.

At the end of the hour the nymphs arose and Remanniah said, "You must rest for a little now, and be cleansed."

Strangely, I did not feel tired or sexually sated. I had undergone three orgasms, and was eager for more.

The nymphs had gone to the brook, and now returned with bowls of water and cloths. My vagina must have been full of sperm, but they explained that they could not cleanse me after each injection of semen, as the blessings of the goddess must have time to work.

The loose cloth was soaked with sperm and my own fluids, and was replaced.

After a while it began again. I was puzzled that I did not weary of the penetrations and that each face that came over me was one I knew.

At intervals I was rested and cleansed, and the loose cloth changed, until the sun was high in the heavens. Amak returned. One last man approached me and I heard Amak say, "Her initiation is almost complete, then she will be free among us."

How many men had penetrated me I do not know, for I lost count, but I continued to puzzle that I was not tired of them. Always I was ready for the next one.

The last man came upon me and I felt his penis enter. I looked at his face, and again, it was one that I knew but it seemed to grow dim. I looked up at the trees and a haze had come over them. Everything around me seemed to be vanishing. Then, it started to whirl round and round and I was falling…falling…

There was a voice a long way off saying something that I could not distinguish at first, then it grew clearer: "Wake up, wake up, it's all over."

I fought to return to the couch and the man who had just started to penetrate me, but it was all gone.

I opened my eyes slowly and saw white walls. I was in a bed, and my eyes, as they focused, took in a picture on the wall at the bottom of the bed. It was the picture of a glade surrounded by Cyprus trees, and there was a naked woman lying on a couch with two nymphs sitting beside her.

I looked up, and there was a face bending over me - a face I knew. It was the face of all the men who had entered me in the glade and for a moment, I thought I had managed to return there.

A voice said, "All over mother and it's wonderful news. They believe it was benign. They've got to make some tests, but they say you will be a new woman."

I was struggling to clear my head of the anesthetic after affects. "A face and voice I knew. A 'new woman'. Yes, I have been made a new woman in that world of Cyprus trees and love. What is on the inside being seen by all on the outside."

"Michael?" My mouth felt dry and my tongue thick and heavy, making it hard to form words.

"Yes mother? I'm here."

I felt his hand take hold of mine. "I…love you…Michael."

"Yes, I know you do, mother, and I love you."

The one I had shut myself away from. The one from whom I hid my desire...hid it even from myself. "He loves me…does he still desire me? Am I free now to respond to his desire?"

The world of the Cyprus trees had faded, but those three words still sang in my head, "Love." "Desire." "Freedom."

"A new woman!" I said aloud.

"Yes, and when you have recovered from all this, I'm going to take you on a long holiday."

"Michael, will you take me to where there is love, desire and freedom?"

I saw a puzzled look on his face, then he said quietly, "I shall try to, mother."

"What is on the inside will be on the outside, Michael."

Again he looked puzzled and taking up my theme in the way he understood it he said, "For a woman, who has just had a serious operation, your outside is looking pretty good now."

"It will look even better before long, my love."

With his hand still holding mine, I drifted off to sleep. I did not dream of the Cyprus world, but of Michael and what would be. Perhaps Atis would bless me?