The Heart of a Child

One evening when I had called on Meredith to get a final signature on a document to say she accepted the work, Amanda dropped a minor bombshell. She was now attending school, and was therefore in contact with a wider group of children. They obviously talked about their home life, and this gave rise to Amanda's explosive question.

"Daddy, why don't you live with us like other daddies?"

I groped mentally for an answer, and I could see Meredith was doing the same.

"Well…your mummy and I…we…we don't…we're not…"

Meredith tried to come to the rescue.

"We are a different sort of mummy and daddy. We like to live in separate houses."

"Why?"

"We just do, darling."

"Don't you and daddy love each other?"

"Well, in a way…"

"What way?" She turned on me, "Do you love me 'in a way' as well?"

"You know I love you very much." "You don't love mummy very much, only 'in a way'?"

The logic of a child can be very exhausting to we prevaricating adults. I decided flight was the best remedy (strange how often I had fled from these two).

I did not allow Amanda's disconcerting questions to deter me from visiting her. And that raises an odd matter! I always thought of visiting Amanda, not Meredith. Now why was that?

In these days when sex has become the substance of male-female relationships and not an outcome, it must seem strange that Meredith and I had gone so long without getting into bed together for sexual, or any other, purposes.

At the same time, you will no doubt acknowledge that we were two people struggling to overcome deep hurts. We both had the humiliating knowledge that we had made bad choices in our partners, or in my case, my would-be partner. I think we must have both been like soldiers picking their way across an unswept minefield.

I suppose we had both thought that things could go on as they were indefinitely, and certainly they might have gone on a bit longer if it had not been for Amanda's questioning of our relationship. It was this that set me off masturbating at night with Meredith as my fantasy.

Again, it was Amanda who set matters off.

"Are you and mummy married?"

"No."

"Why aren't you married?"

"Well, we just aren't."

"My best friend's mummy and daddy are married."

"Well, some mummies and daddies aren't married."

"Is it because you and mummy only love each other 'in a way'?"

"Yes…well no. We just haven't thought about getting married."

"If I ask you to, will you think about it?"

For all the disconcerting nature of these questions, Meredith was fighting to suppress her laughter at my struggle to answer.

When Amanda had left us we looked at each other and laughed. Then, for the first time since meeting her, I crossed to Meredith and kissed her. It was a very gentle, chaste kiss, and as we broke she looked up at me intently.

"Don't do that unless you really mean it. We've both been hurt enough. I know how you love Amanda, but I want love for myself as well, not love via my daughter."

I had never told her the Rosemary story, but I thought now was the time. A little child had led me to myself. She had shown me how I could love again, and that had brought me to see I was still capable of that other sort of love – a man for a woman. I still had the courage to risk the dangers of loving. I knew who the object of that love was.

I related my tale of murdered love, and I felt no pain in the telling. It was behind me now.

Meredith listened carefully, and at the end said, "Yes, I see it's over now. Like me, you've been liberated."

I rose to leave, but Meredith stopped me.

"There is something I'd like you to know. I want you to know this, not to trap you, but to let you know you have the freedom of choice. You don't have to walk away from us again, either physically or emotionally. You can, but you don't have to. We love you very dearly, Amanda and I. Your kindness and consideration. The wonderful way you've given yourself to my little girl."

She had been very serious to that point, then suddenly she smiled and said, "Now I'm going to risk the lot. If you ask me to marry you, I shall say 'Yes.'"

"Then say 'yes' right now."

"Yes. Do you want to come to bed with me tonight?"

"No."

"What? Are you telling me you don't want me sexually?"

"No, far from it, but from her questioning I think our little girl is bit old fashioned, so let's make it an old fashioned courtship. It won't be too long to wait."

When we told Amanda of our decision to marry she gave an artful smile, but only said, "How soon do we get married?"

I took note of the "we."

It was three months later when we married. We worked out with the priest a special vow for Amanda and I – a sort of symbolic acceptance of me as her father, and she as my daughter.

As Meredith and I got into the car to leave for our honeymoon, Amanda, who was to be cared for by my newly acquired mother-in-law during our absence, drew both our heads down to hers and said, "I knew I'd get you two together," then kissed us both.

Crafty little devil.