The Price

I was distraught because at the very time I would need him most, Noel would have to leave the country unless his visa could be extended.

Noel was equally distressed. I had not told him about my being pregnant. Still retaining some of my insecurities, I wanted him to stay with me because he wanted me, not because of the coming baby.

His distress at the thought of leaving me reassured me. He begged me to go back with him to the country from which he, and in the past I, had come from. I think if all else failed I would have gone with him, but the thought of having to meet with his adoptive parents when I was pregnant to their adopted son, and my natural son, horrified me. Even if I could cover up who the father of the child was, I could only do so for a short time if Noel and I were to live together. Once that happened they would surely realise what had happened between us.

Added to this was the fact that I had become devoted to the country that had been Pyotr's birth place, and which he had served so loyally. Noel also had clearly fallen in love with the place and hated the thought of leaving it.

This being the case, I decided to try my luck with Pyotr's colleagues in the government. Perhaps Pyotr's widow could still wield a little influence.

I took the necessary steps to get in touch with the correct authorities, and finally got an interview with a high official who had been a close friend of Pyotr's.

At the interview I said only that my son was staying with me, and it was his and my wish that he continue to do so. Instead of asking for an extension of his present visa I went the whole way and asked if he could be issued with a permanent visa with a view to his eventually becoming a citizen.

The official smiled on me benignly.

"It is possible," he said slowly, "Yes, possible."

With his elbows on his vast shiny desk, his hands steepled in front of him, he ceased looking at me and seemed to go off somewhere into space for a couple of minutes. I waited to hear his verdict.

Eventually he glanced up at me and said again, "Yes, possible. I think, however we should discuss this further, in a place more comfortable and private. Could I suggest that I book a hotel room for us, just for one night, and then we can talk things over at our leisure?"

I would have been an idiot not to know what he was getting at. I would get a permanent visa for Noel in exchange for sex. I felt as if I wanted to vomit. This man, once a close friend of my late husband, was blackmailing me. I wanted to run from the room, but he could give me what I wanted, at a price.

A terrible battle raged within me. To keep my son/lover with me I had to be unfaithful to him. Choking back the bile that was rising in my throat I decided to find out just how much I would have to pay.

"Just one night?"

He gave his benign smile again; "Just one night, my dear, and you get the documents you want. Come, it's not such a high price to pay, is it? Well, perhaps; it depends on how much value you put on keeping...what's his name...?" He consulted a note in front of him. "Ah yes, Noel, with you."

My mind was twisting and turning. I was a one man woman, and fidelity was of vital importance to me. What did I value most, my fidelity to Noel and losing him, or keeping Noel with me through an act of infidelity?

Something I had read long ago arose in my mind. The writer, a man if high moral and ethical principles, had referred to what he called, "The necessary deed"; he had said that there comes a time when the necessary deed must be done and principles, conscience, freedom and virtue must be sacrificed for the sake of it.

He was growing impatient.

"Perhaps keeping your son near you is not so important?"

"Yes...yes, I agree. One night and I get the papers?"

He smiled; "There, it wasn't so difficult was it? I shall not treat you harshly, and you have my promise that you will get the papers in the morning."

I knew I risked being deceived and he might not give me what he promised, but I had to take the chance.

"When do you want me?"

"Why not tonight?"

"Very well." I thought it best to get it over with as soon as possible.

He reached for the telephone saying, "I shall call my wife."

He pressed in some numbers and after a pause began to speak.

"Darling, I'm afraid I won't be able get home tonight. An emergency has arisen and I have to leave town. I'll be back tomorrow. Say goodnight to the children for me."

It was sickening, but to step back now was to lose Noel. He was pressing in another number and shortly was booking a room at one of the most expensive hotels in the city.

He put down the telephone and grinning at me said, "There, it's all done. We can go there straight away."

"But I have to make a telephone call," I protested, "my son will wonder where I am if I don't go home."

He gestured to the telephone and watched me with a sardonic grin on his face as I pressed in the numbers. Now it was my turn to lie.

Noel answered and I said, "Mother here Noel. I've just met up with an old friend and she's asked me to spend the night with her. We haven't seen each other for a long time, so I thought it would be nice to accept her invitation. Is that all right?"

The man was watching me and listening so I avoided any terms of endearment. I was just a mother letting her son know she wouldn't be home.

Noel seemed to detect something in my voice because he asked, "Is everything all right, Sarah, are you okay?"

"Fine," I said, trying to sound bright. "I'll see you in the morning." I rang off quickly before Noel could quiz me further and I broke down.

The man signed two official looking documents, put them into his briefcase and said, "There are the documents you want, we'll take them with us, and they're yours in the morning."

I drove my own car to the hotel and we met in the reception hall. The receptionist looked as curiously since we had no luggage, but when the man showed his identity card she said nothing. She gave the key to a young man who escorted us up to the sixth floor and opening a door I could see that it was not a room that had been booked, but a suite.

I saw a handsome tip change hands, no doubt meant to be hush money. Then we were alone.

"Perhaps you'd like to have a shower, my dear, while I order some food. Don't worry about dressing when you've finished showering, just go straight to the bedroom and I can wheel the trolley in."

I went to the shower and stripped off. I felt numb at the thought of what I would soon be doing with this man, and what he might do to me. Perhaps he was a sexual sadist who would hurt me, or a sexual masochist who would demand I inflict pain on him.

I finished my shower and went into the adjoining bedroom and sat naked on the bed. I heard the shower start up and knew he was in there. After a while the noise from the shower ceased, and there was a pause for several minutes, then he came in pushing the trolley of food. I noticed three bottle of wine on the trolley.

He had obviously re-dressed after his shower, and sitting there naked I felt very vulnerable. He seemed to sense my helplessness and said, "Its hardly fair, is it, for you to sit there naked while I'm still dressed."

With that he stripped off and stood naked before me. He had a throbbing erection and he said hoarsely, "I've ordered a cold collation, so it can wait. We've got the whole night before us."

Looking at him it wasn't as if he was horribly ugly or repulsive. Many women would not have been displeased to have him bed them.

"That at least," I thought, "makes it a bit easier to do what I have to."

He eased me over to the middle of the bed, and began kissing me and fondling my breasts. Despite myself I began to feel aroused, and when his finger sought and found my clitoris I was quickly ready to surrender to him.

Feeling my vagina lubricating he came between my legs and guided by me he penetrated.

It might sound virtuous if I now wrote that I hated it, but it would not be true. As I yielded to him, so I yielded to the demands of my body. As his penetrations intensified I felt my orgasm coming upon me irresistibly. It raged through me as I clamped my legs round him and tore at his back with my nails.

As his sperm rocketed into me he gave a loud howling cry and then proceeded to grunt with each spurt of semen. I thought he would never stop pouring into me as he pumped and pumped, filling my vagina until it overflowed.

Passionate though this first coupling had been, its value to him was quickly revealed when, having thrust his last drop into me, he withdrew, leaving me still gasping in the throes of my declining orgasm.

Even as I lay there struggling with the aftershocks, he sat up and began to eat. It was as if for the moment he had no further use for me.

When I had recovered, feeling hungry myself, I began eating. He had a bottle of wine open and had poured a glass for himself and for me. When we had finished what turned out to be a silent meal, he suggested another shower, this time together.

Since I had gone this far there was no point in denying him this further pleasure. In fact it did turn out to be quite pleasant. As I washed his genitals he carefully washed out the sperm from my vagina. He made no attempt to take me in the shower, and I wondered what was to come next. I soon found out.

We got back on the bed and he lay on his back, his penis jutting up at full stretch and said, "You can suck me off, sweetheart."

I took his penis into my mouth and with his hands behind my head he pushed in uncomfortably deep. I sucked and licked him and soon felt the first impulse of sperm up his shaft; then it was exploding into my mouth.

Having ejaculated once he had less juice to expel this time, but it was still beyond my ability to swallow all of it. It ran out of the corners of my mouth and down the outside of his shaft to spread over his groin.

Again when he had finished he withdrew almost immediately. He went back to his wine and drank a couple of glasses while I went to wash my mouth out.

From then on he continued to drink the wine. I made sure I sipped on the first glass making it last.

He gradually grew voluble and during that night I learned a number of things concerning myself and Pyotr. Well into his cups he made me give him oral sex again and that meant another mouth wash.

It was after that session as he explored my body with his hands that he told me how many of Pyotr's colleagues had lusted for me; how they all new why Pyotr always took me with him.

"It wasn't just so he could fuck yer, sweetheart, but to make sure nobody else did while he was away. Do you know the guys used to hate coming to your place for those dinner parties yer gave, because they were horny the whole evening looking at you."

"Yer a cruel bitch yer know. Yer so damned sexy looking yer drive a man mad."

I didn't seek to respond to that and all his other talk. What had begun as a potentially pleasant if enforced night of sex, gradually turned into a slobbering groping misery. He made one last attempt to cum in me and managed no more than a dribble. But that wasn't the end. I thanked God I was already pregnant so that there was no chance of his fertilising me.

Thoroughly drunk by then, he insisted on licking my vagina which still had his semen in it. After that he fell back on the bed and went into a snoring grunting drunken sleep.

I tried to sleep myself, and would have left that bed it there had been another one, but there wasn't.

I thought I might make my escape with the papers while he was snoring his head off. The brief case was clearly visible, but the damned thing was locked. In despair I went back to the bed, and at some time in the early hours I must have dropped off.

I was awakened my him shaking me and saying, "Come on sweetheart, one for the road."

Without preamble he pushed me onto my back, pulled my legs apart, and entered me. It was an unpleasant experience. His breath stank of stale booze, and he took ages to eject another dribble of his juice into me.

After he had completed his pathetic fucking, he got off the bed and said, "Shower, honey, we mustn't go home stinking of each other, must we?"

I let him get his shower over before taking mine with the door locked. When I'd finished and dressed I knew the testing moment had arrived. He could walk out with those papers and there was nothing I could do to stop him.

For a moment he played with me; "Do you think you've been a good girl? Have you earned your reward? Suppose I want just one more with you, eh?"

"If that's what you want," I replied, feeling utter contempt for him.

"No," he grinned, "you've been a good girl and done as you were told, so here they are."

He tossed the papers on to the bed.

"Well look at them," he said, "See that they're all in order; you've worked hard enough for them, so enjoy. You've got your son waiting for you."

He started to leave the suite, but turned at the door and called back, "If you want any more favours done, just come and see me. I'm sure we could come to a mutually satisfying arrangement again."

He gave a sardonic laugh and departed.

I stood staring down at the papers for a minute or two. Throughout the night I had managed to contain my emotions, but as is so often the case with pent up feelings, when the events that have given rise to them are over, the barriers come crashing down

I collapsed weeping on the bed. He had defiled me and I loathed him. I was overwhelmed by a feeling of self-disgust.

At the beginning of our night together there had been a promise of at least some giving on his part, and I had responded to that. Had it continued like that we might have parted in the morning at least amicably – might even have looked back on it with some degree of pleasure. But in the end I was just his slut for the night. I was a cunt he had wanted to fuck for years, and having had me, he treated me with contempt.

I thought of the loving sexual couplings with Noel when nothing was ever dirty or sordid. We loved, this man had lusted, and in the end not even successfully.

I felt as if no shower or bath could ever make me clean again. It was not the sexual act that made me feel defiled, but the manner of that act. "How," I thought, "could I face Noel? I have earned his permanent visa, and if he so wishes, his citizenship one day. But if he ever gets the slightest hint of what has taken place this past night, will he ever want me again?

Clutching the documents that I had paid so dearly for, I left the hotel and drove home. I felt sick and ill and dreaded Noel seeing me. I no longer had the strength to try and hide my wretchedness.

As soon as Noel saw me he said, "Sarah, whatever is the matter, you look dreadful?"

I had my pathetic excuses ready.

"We had a late night darling, and I think I've eaten something that's upset me. I'd like to go to bed."

He helped me to our bedroom and helped me to undress. I fell into the bed and he covered me up and was on the point of leaving when without thinking I called out, "Don't leave me, Noel."

He turned and looked at me; "Are you sure it's just a stomach upset? Do you want me to call a doctor?"

"No, darling, just come and be with me for a little while." He undressed and got into the bed with me and put his arms round me. I hid myself in him like a frightened little animal shivering in its burrow. Feeling his strength and love peace came to me and I slept.

I woke intermittently throughout the day to find Noel still with me. I was in fact ravenously hungry, but taking my stomach upset at face value he brought me light foods that he thought suited my condition. He asked me no further questions and was content to be with me.

Sleep is the cure for many ills. I have a theory that in sleep the brain sorts out many of our problems, and by late afternoon I had recovered from the worst of my distress. I had no great desire to engage in sexual intercourse, but I could feel that Noel had an erection. It must have been difficult for him with our naked bodies close intertwined for most of the day, and I felt compassion for him.

"Darling, make love with me if you want to."

"Are you feeling well enough?"

"Yes, darling, but be very gentle."

He hesitated for a moment, and I turned my back to him and pushed my buttocks against his penis.

"Take me like this," I said.

He brought his shaft between my legs and I guided it to my vagina and he pushed in carefully.

He penetrated as far as he could in that position, and then stopped still. As we lay there tenderly united, it seemed to serve as healing for me. To feel his love for me; this man whose child I carried inside me, was to put me on the road to wholeness.

I almost told him then of my pregnancy, but restrained myself, knowing it was best to wait until he had his new visa in his hand.

As for the visa, I decided to withhold it for a few days. I didn't want it in any way associated with what I had passed off as a stomach upset because however remote the chance, he might begin to make connections.

Noel lay still inside me for a long time as if he understood my need simply for the close physical bond. Eventually, however, he had to release himself into me, but when he had done he still stayed with me. I slept again for a while with his penis still in my vagina.

Without knowing the true cause of my condition Noel's love had begun the healing process. While I don't suppose I shall ever entirely forget the ugliness of that night, its harsher aspects began to dissipate over the following days; the mere knowledge that I was deeply loved attended to that.

Five days after my "night", I produced the documents and gave them to Noel. I had already told him I was trying to use what influence I might have to get them for him, and so he just accepted that my influence had indeed worked. I suppose it had in a way, but Noel will never know what sort of "influence" I had to use.

He was almost beside himself with happiness. He said over and over gain, "We won't have to be separated...we won't have to be apart..."

To demonstrate his point he carried me off to bed and made sure we were not "apart."

When we had both gratified each other and lay still I decided to make my next revelation.

I began in true Sarah style by letting my insecurity take over.

"Darling, you do want to stay here, don't you? I mean, you want to stay with me?"

"Hey, what's this about do 'I want to stay' with you? Who else would I want to stay with?"

"Then I think you'd better know, darling, we're going to have a baby."

He lay staring at me to at least two minutes, as if he was having difficulty processing the news, then he burst out, "You beautiful wonderful woman...you...you love of my life...how long have you known?"

"For sure, about two weeks, so it's about five or six weeks ago when it happened."

"Ah," he said, "I'll bet it was that thing called "morning sickness" you were suffering from when you came back from your night out."

"Yes, probably," I replied, unwilling to disabuse him. The truth was, throughout the entire pregnancy I don't think I ever felt better in my life. That remained true for my other two pregnancies as well.

There were a couple more hurdles to be jumped over before our lives as lovers could settle down. Noel had to let Michael and Marcia know he would not be returning to them. And we had to do something about completing his formal education.

A long letter went to Michael and Marcia in which he thanked the for their years of care, and making the point that he had found, and decided to live with, his natural mother for the foreseeable future. This was followed up by a series of telephone calls that seemed to produce tears at both ends, and love and best wishes for the future.