The Roommate from Hell

Rob played his part beautifully, even daring a return to his room, where Jerrod was sorting through papers on his bed. "You owe me money," he said, not looking up.

"I don't want to hear it, Jerrod," Rob said. "Not right now."

"What's the matter, Carrie figured out she was too smart for you? I could've told you that was gonna happen."

"So could I, I guess." Rob was almost embarrassed at how easy it was for him to feign inadequacy -- Jerrod had certainly brought out plenty of that in him in the past.

"Could've saved you the trouble by telling you to stay away," he said. "Now. About a fee for my time."

"Very funny, Jerrod." Rob sat back on his bed and took his history book out of his backpack.

"I'm not joking," Jerrod said, standing up and walking over to Rob's side of the room. "You caused five hours of work when you messed up my papers."

"Consider it paid in all the sleep you've prevented me from getting."

"I always let you sleep, you asshole."

Rob laughed but didn't look up from his book. "You know, Jerrod, I think you really believe that."

"Of course I believe it. I place a great deal of value on the truth."

Rob laughed so hard he dropped his book.

"Knock it off, fuckhead!" Jerrod belted Rob in the chest. Rob's laughing stopped, and he gave Jerrod a shove; Jerrod tripped over one of his books on the floor and tumbled over backwards. "What is your problem?!" he demanded.

"My problem?" Rob snapped. "You hit me, that's my problem!"

"If you're going to question my honesty, of course I'm going to get violent," Jerrod said, rubbing his shoulder as he sat up. "I don't take that kind of disrespect lightly. Now. About the payment."

"Fat chance, Jerrod."

"Oh, I think there is a fat chance," Jerrod said, standing up. "A very fat one." He went to his desk and picked up a green lockbox that Rob had seen a time or two before. "You see this? Tomorrow afternoon is the bio department year end ceremony. We've taken up a collection for Connie. She remembers you, you know? 'I still don't see how you can stand rooming with a French major, but whatever,' she said that to me just this morning. Because I'm a very nice person, I'm going to let you donate the money you owe me for those five hours to her fund instead."

"How very magnanimous of you," Rob said.

"Any time you're ready to pay me," Jerrod shot back. "Now unless you want to get hit again, I want the room to myself for the afternoon.

Rob got up and picked up his history book and left the room without another word.

He and Carrie did get to make love that afternoon, but it was a relatively stifled session with the windows closed and both of them trying not to make much noise. Carrie was almost apologetic as Rob got his clothes back on afterward. "You know the bio department ceremony is tomorrow afternoon?" she asked as he was heading off to the library.

"Jerrod told me," he said.

"It's open to anyone who wants to watch. If you want to come and see me get the award -- you can just let Jerrod think you're there to root for him, you know."

"I'm sure he'd have guessed that anyway," Rob mused. "Say, this collection he took up for Professor Dundee..."

"Is completely legit," Carrie said. "We all wanted to do something a little special for her. Of course Jerrod just had to be in charge of it, because of course he did."

"So he's going to be giving her the lockbox, no doubt."

"It was easier to just let him do it his way than try to reason with him. You know that."

"I sure do."

Rob didn't even try going to bed before two o'clock that night. He spent the entire evening ignoring Jerrod's increasingly nasty barbs, including a few about Carrie. When Rob finally did lie down and Jerrod didn't turn the lights out, Rob contented himself with a novel in bed. "Just four hours to sleep, Rob," Jerrod needled when he did finally turn the light off. "Wonder how long Carrie's been asleep."

He wasn't the least bit surprised when he awoke to Jerrod sitting on his bed putting his shoes on. "Rob, get up," he ordered when he saw Rob was awake. "I think I dropped something under your bed."

"It can wait," Rob said.

"No," Jerrod said. "I'm booked solid to six o'clock tonight, and it's something I need for the bio ceremony this afternoon."

"I'll bring it," Rob said. "I want to come and see you get that award instead of Carrie."

"I appreciate that, Rob, but I don't trust you with my stuff."

"Then why should I let you under my bed?"

"What reason have I given you not to trust me?!"

"Very funny, Jer. Come back at lunchtime and get it."

"Then when can I eat lunch?"

"You can cut the line and pretend you're getting seconds, like you always do."

"Just get out of bed for one minute, Rob! I'd do it for you!"

"No, you wouldn't. Come back at lunch."

"You asshole," Jerrod grumbled in the tone of voice Rob knew well from the rare times he won a battle of wills. "Some friend you are. But I hope I see you at the bio event anyway."

"Oh, you will." Rob rolled over and made a point of shifting his feet to just over the spot where the key had been hidden.

"I'd better," Jerrod said, and he shut the door. As he strode down the hall, he tried to calculate where he could carve out fifteen minutes of the day to rush back to his room and retrieve the key. If he won the award, he'd simply put it back in Connie's picture frame. If Carrie won, he'd slip it into her footlocker in the bio lab and leave an anonymous note under Connie's office door. If Amy won...Amy wouldn't win. No one that scatterbrained could win. He did wonder why Connie hadn't called to tell him he'd won already, but that could simply be that Rob was back in their room and had flubbed another of his phone messages, the asshole.

Seven hours later, Jerrod engaged in some last-minute primping in the men's room. Naturally he'd never been able to get back to the room and retrieve the key; he was just too important to carve that much time out of his schedule. But it wasn't over yet; he could always put it back where it belonged -- or in Carrie's footlocker -- later.

The bathroom door opened. It was Rob and Mark. "Hey, champ," Rob said. "Told you we'd be here."

"You said you'd be here," Jerrod allowed. "Hi, Mark. You interested in bio all of a sudden?"

"Oh, totally," Mark said over his shoulder from the urinal. "it's a liberal education, isn't it?"

"Good thinking," Jerrod said. "Say, guys, could you wait here a moment while I take my turn there? I don't want to leave Connie's present unguarded here." He pointed at the lockbox, which was sitting on the edge of the sink. "And Rob, you can still put the fifty bucks you owe me in there."

"Yeah, so I can," Rob said.

"Glad to hear you've come to your senses on that," Jerrod said as he stepped up and unzipped. "And hey, I'm sorry things didn't work out with Carrie. You know, I could've had a chat with her. She looks up to me. But I guess it's too late now, huh?"

"I guess so," Rob said, and Jerrod heard what sounded like a coin being dropped into the lockbox.

"You didn't just drop a quarter in there, did you?" Jerrod demanded.

"Of course not," Rob said.

"How cheap do you think he is, Jerrod?" Mark added.

"I guess Connie'll see when she opens it," Jerrod said. "Only she knows the combination, you know. But I'm ultimately responsible for what's in there, so I sure hope you don't embarrass me."

"That'd be rather dishonest, wouldn't it?" Rob offered.

"For once, you're right," Jerrod said.

The three walked down the hall to the bio lecture hall, Jerrod proudly leading the way with the lockbox in his hand. When they got there, Rob was delighted to see Carrie looking radiant in the blue print-dress they had both agreed was her best outfit for the occasion. She was chatting with Ms. Dundee, and couldn't help smiling when he walked in, though she was careful not to look directly at him.

Rob boldly made his way over and said hello to Ms. Dundee, and then kissed Carrie on the cheek. "Hi, sweetie," he said.

"H..hi." Carrie looked bewildered, and felt a stab of panic as she saw Jerrod looking over at them. "Excuse us, Professor," she said. Then she whipped around to glare at Rob. "What are you doing?!" she hissed. "Do you want to get me expelled."

"No, and that's not going to happen," Rob said.

"Everybody take your seats, please!" called out Dr. Hale, professor emeritus and the department's resident grandfather. "Awards nominees and guests in front."

"Have you got a guest?" Rob asked, taking Carrie's hand and holding harder when she tried to pull it away.

"I guess it might as well be you now that you've outed us," she said. "What the hell are you doing?"

"It's what I've already done," Rob said. "Or really, Mark has." He turned to see his friend seated three rows up behind them, and gave him a thumbs up while Carrie reluctantly waved at him. "You said Jerrod was going to give Professor Dundee the lockbox, didn't you?"

"It's the first thing on the agenda," Carrie said as she watched Professor Dundee take her seat at the profs' table at the front of the room. "She'll probably make a big show of opening it so she can thank us all."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you this, but Mark and I found the key to her filing cabinet last week."

"You did?! And I didn't tell you, but I know someone who saw him steal the exam."

As Dr. Hale was calling the room to silence to begin the ceremony, Rob took Carrie's hand in both of his, and leaned over to whisper in her ear. "Mark just dropped the key into the lockbox."