The Surrogate Ch. 02

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Elizabeth said, "from what you're telling me, it seems that things with Joanna are going very well."

"Amazingly so," he said. "I'm surprised, actually. She's made it clear she doesn't want a divorce, of course, but she's not fighting me. We've both got our lawyers keeping it very low-key, very civil, not letting them stir anything up.

"And the fact that my new house is right down the street is a big relief--there are so many fewer issues about Amy and Will, and how we'll handle that. We can be flexible about it, whenever either one of us needs to be away or anything.

"Joanna has even come over to help me with the house--looking at paint colors, talking with me about how to set up the kids' rooms. I know she wanted to see it, so she could imagine where they'd be when they were with me, but she's been really generous with advice about it.

He sat back, looking thoughtful. "What's amazing to me is that my anger at her is mostly gone. Ever since I told her I wanted a divorce, a lot of it just drained away.

"What I mostly feel is, I don't know, melancholy I guess--wistful. I remember the good parts of our marriage, all the stuff we did together, as a couple and with the kids. Even sex, or the good parts of it."

He looked at Elizabeth. "When I think about what she did--about her with that asshole Trevor--the anger is still there; but it doesn't tear at me so much anymore."

"And what do you think are the reasons for that?"

"Well, one is that I demanded the divorce--I decided what I wanted and took control of the situation. I'm not the poor cuckolded victim anymore.

"And, I guess--I see how unhappy Joanna is. That doesn't exactly make me happy, but ... at least it makes me feel like I'm not the only one whose life she ruined. She ruined her own, and it's killing her."

"And ... Marina?" Elizabeth asked.

He smiled and said, "oh yeah, she's made a HUGE difference. I'm not sure I really believed I could do it, you know? So many years of ... Anyway, I feel like a man again. Or maybe like a man for the first time ever, really. Knowing that I won't come in two minutes, like a damn teenager."

He leaned forward and said, "I can't even begin to say how grateful I am to you and her. When I came here I was--I don't know how to say it. Furious, of course. But lost. I was in a 20-foot deep hole and had no idea how to climb out of it.

"And now I'm ... well, I'll be divorced in a couple more months, but I'll still be seeing my kids, and living in a great house that will be just the way I want it, and ...

"And if I meet someone new, a new woman in my life, I won't have to be terrified that I'll never be able to satisfy her. I'll be nervous at first, I'm sure ... " He stopped, looking thoughtful.

"Nervous at first ..." she prompted him.

"But I think it'll be okay," he said, smiling. "Even if I come too soon the first time or something, I have the feeling I'll get it together after that."

"Good," she said. "And from what Marina tells me, I think you're right. She says you're really ready, she doesn't have any doubts at all."

"Can I--does it still make sense for me to keep coming to see you?"

"Of course, Michael," she said, smiling at him. "I think it does, especially since you're still in the middle of the divorce; but maybe cutting back to once every two weeks? I have the feeling that we won't need more than that, and we can always change it if necessary."

He shifted in his chair, and in a very different voice said, "I need to get your advice about something else, okay? Joanna ... she, uh, wants to have sex with me."

Elizabeth raised her eyebrows. "How do you know? Has she asked you directly?"

"Not yet--but she's been dressing very, uh, provocatively, and the way she looks at me ... I can tell she's putting it out there; and I wouldn't be surprised if one of these days she comes right out and suggests it.

"Part of me thinks it's a terrible idea, I mean we're getting a divorce, right? She cheated on me, I don't trust her, the marriage is over?

"But, I don't know--she's still a very sexy woman. It's kind of flattering that she wants to do it, and to tell the truth a part of me wants to show her what I can do, really knock her socks off."

"You've never told her about your work with Marina, right?"

"Right--and I don't intend to. That feels private to me--I'm not ashamed of it or anything, but it's something like 'you cheated on me, and you lost the right to know everything about my life.' "

He grinned. "Plus, I know that if I told her now, if she knew I'd overcome my PE once and for all, she'd probably feel even worse about what she did. About losing me.

"And believe it or not, I don't want to do that to her. I don't want to hurt her any further."

Elizabeth said, "won't she figure it out? I mean, if you have sex and you last for ... a long time? She's sure going to know something has changed."

"Yes, but she won't know what it is, and I don't plan to tell her. Let it be a mystery--somehow that seems less cruel than telling her the whole story."

Looking thoughtful, she said, "so ... back to the original question. What are your thoughts about having sex with Joanna again?"

"About 85% of me wants to. I like sex, I always used to love sex with her--except for my problem. It'll feel good. Maybe it'll even feel like I'm getting something back, some part of what she took away from me with her affair.

"The only downside is, I need to make sure she really understands that this doesn't mean we're getting back together. It's sex, not reconciliation. But I figure if I say that very clearly and very firmly, then I've done my duty, so to speak. And if she still fantasizes about some happy reunion, it's not my problem."

They talked about it some more. More than Michael realized, this would be about revenge--reminding Joanna of what she was losing. At least that's how Elizabeth saw it. But that wasn't a reason not to do it, if he wanted to. She couldn't see how it would be bad for Michael, and he was her patient. It might make Joanna feel a lot worse--but that was for Joanna to deal with.