Think of Laura

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How much pain can a man endure?
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Slirpuff
Slirpuff
4,278 Followers

There comes a point when the body is so physically and mentally drained it shuts down. I had passed that point hours ago. Words like, "Her condition is grave. We're doing everything possible, but..." will do that to you.

My clothes were grungy. I reeked of sweat. I wished I would have had time to clean up and change, but I hadn't. The skin on the back of my legs was stuck to the vinyl of the couch in the rear of the hospital chapel where I've been negotiating terms and conditions with God for the last few hours.

I leaned forward and put my elbows on my knees. Palms up, I looked down at my hands. Cuts, abrasions, and calluses, not the hands of a white-collar executive any longer. I flicked at a wood sliver with my thumbnail. It would eventually have to come out but not now.

I glanced at the floor. My tennis shoes had sawdust on them. A trickle of sweat down the back of my neck attempted to wash away the sawdust caked there. I closed my eyes. It was quiet.

I didn't hear the door open. Didn't see or hear him walk up. I heard the air escape from the cushion next to me when he sat down. Twenty-seven. That's how many heartbeats I counted before he finally spoke.

"Walk with me," the doctor said, laying a hand on my arm.

I stood on legs that had run marathons. Now they could barely hold my weight. I shuffled like an old man down the corridor.

"I'm sorry. There is nothing more we can do."

I expected it, but expecting and actually hearing the words were two different things. I felt as though someone had opened a valve in my heel and drained out what little life was left in me. I staggered slightly, not sure how I remained upright.

"Does she know?'

"We haven't told her yet, but I think she suspects."

"How long does my wife have?"

"Not long. Again, I am so sorry." When I didn't say anything, he turned and walked back down the corridor. I watched him until he turned the corner. I was alone and soon would be in more ways than one.

I looked to the heavens but only saw the white drop ceiling tiles. Damn it. It's not fair. We haven't even been married nine months! We're still on our honeymoon.

I rested my forehead on the wall outside her room. I watched the tiny salty droplets hit the green tile floor and pool together. I closed my eyes. I didn't have it in me to go into that room just yet. My wife, Laura, would take one look at me and know. How do you say good-bye to someone without their knowing it? How do you watch the life of someone you love come to an end knowing there is nothing you can do to stop it? I bounced my head off the wall.

I had to do this. I was wasting what little time we had left. Wiping the tears from my eyes, I took a deep breath and opened the door.

"If you think this is going to get you out of helping me finish sanding the floors, you're sadly mistaken." I tried to keep my tone upbeat. I willed my legs to move forward. I saw the corners of her beautiful mouth turn upward. I bent down and softly touched my lips to hers. "How are you feeling, my love?"

"I've felt better." She choked, gasped for a breath, and coughed up a small amount of blood. I wiped her mouth with a wet washcloth that was lying next to her bed.

"Don't try to talk." I pressed the adjustment button on the bed and raised her head. "Is that better?"

She nodded.

"The doctor said you're doing better and should be out of here in a couple of days."

She reached out for my hand and our eyes met. She knew.

Please, God, take me, not her, I prayed as we sat there gazing at each other, saying nothing. Words weren't necessary.

I broke the silence. "Remember how we met?" At that, she smiled.

Laura owned a small print shop a block from my office. My only son was getting married. I wanted to have something special printed for him and his wife—a memory of sorts. It was the words to a lullaby he made me sing to him every night before he went to sleep. My late wife, Beth, first sang it to him the night we brought him home from the hospital. I watched from our bedroom door as she sang, just above a whisper, her eyes fixed on the baby in her arms.

Hush, little baby, don't say a word

Momma's gonna buy you a mockingbird

And if that mockingbird won't sing,

Momma's gonna buy you a diamond ring

And so on...

"Hon, isn't that song supposed to say Poppa instead of Momma?" David was fast asleep in her arms.

"When you sing the lullaby to him you can substitute Poppa, but until that time, it's going to be Momma." It was always Momma after that night no matter who sang it.

David was only four, when his mother passed away suddenly. He wouldn't go to sleep unless I sang that lullaby to him. As he grew older, we would sing it together every night. It brought us closer and kept our shared memory of Beth alive.

I had written down the words and wanted to have them printed on parchment and put in a frame. I would give it to his bride with a note that would say, "If David is ever troubled and can't sleep, sing this little lullaby to him. I guarantee that whatever is bothering him will melt away. It worked for the twenty-two years he lived with me. Now, it will be up to you."

I squeezed my wife's hand. "You remember the sly look you gave me when you asked if I wanted the misspelled words corrected or print it the way I had written it?" A flicker of a smile danced across her beautiful face replacing the pain that had been etched on her face.

"I think you captured my heart that day. If not then, when I wore you down and you finally agreed to go out with me. Remember the first time I told you I loved you? The way you scoffed at me saying we had only known each other two months. Then I told you about the accident that had taken away Beth, my first love, and how it had devastated me. In you, God had given me a second chance at happiness." A single tear crept slowly down her cheek.

Laura tried to speak but instead coughed and gasped for air. I hit the call button. The nurse appeared in less than a minute. She slipped a clear mask over Laura's nose and mouth. With the twist of a knob she started an oxygen flow.

"Does that help?"

Laura nodded. I mouthed thank you. She turned off the overhead lights on her way out.

"Now where was I? Oh, I remember. That's when you used your feminine charms to get me to propose to you."

Her eyes were glued to mine as I took her down memory lane. "On our wedding night, I thought I was the odd one not having been with anyone in over four years. When you told me it had been over ten years for you, I was now the nervous one." Laura lightly patted my hand, sucking in a gulp of air.

"Yeah, I know it was stupid of me to worry, but I didn't want to disappoint you." I got up from my chair and moved to the head of her bed. "I was so in love with you, we could have done nothing, and I still would have been the happiest man alive just holding you in my arms."

When she began to cough, I pushed the call button again. The nurse came in and increased the flow of oxygen before giving her a shot of something.

"I'm afraid it won't be long now."

I felt my eyes well up and my throat start to close. The nurse touched my shoulder on her way out. She wouldn't be coming back again while Laura was alive.

"You fought me when I suggested we sell our businesses and retire to the beach. We had our first argument over that one bedroom wreck of a house. I convinced you we could make it our love nest."

Her eyes started to flutter and I held her hand a bit tighter.

"These last nine months have been the happiest time of my life. I never thought I could love another so fully. Laura, you are not just my soul mate, you are everything to me."

She was slipping in and out of consciousness, but I never stopped talking to her. There was too much in my heart I wanted Laura to take with her. When her eyes closed and stayed that way, I thought she was gone until I saw her chest rise and fall.

"I am so sorry. I should have driven to that stupid hardware store myself or at least gone with you." I looked down at my beloved through the blur of my tears. "I don't know what I'm going to do without you." I barely got it out through my sobs. "I miss you so much already." I broke down weeping, my head resting on the bed next to hers. Then I felt her delicate hand make its way through my hair.

I looked up and saw that her eyes were open. I wiped away my tears and pressed my wet face against hers. She tried to lift her oxygen mask. I slipped it off and laid it to the side, listening to the hiss of oxygen spewing out. I put my forehead against hers.

"You gave me a new life and more love than I could ever have hoped for these last nine months." Her voice was a raspy whisper. "Live for me. Can you do that?" I could barely hear her. "My love will keep you warm until we're together again." Then Laura's eyes closed for the last time. A final beep escaped from the heart monitor before it started to wail. My heart wailed along with it.

A nurse rushed in. I told her it was okay. My wife wasn't suffering any longer. She shut off the machine.

"I'll give you a moment alone with your wife." My eyes locked onto what had moments ago been my beautiful bride. I stroked her cheek and kissed my Laura for the last time. Something inside of me died along with her.

***

Life didn't go on. I existed. I lost weight and sometimes didn't shave for days. What was the point? When the nightmares started, I came to dread sleep. I stopped working on our love nest. Without Laura it wasn't a love nest. It was only four walls that needed paint.

I had no purpose in life anymore. When the pain inside got so bad that I didn't think I'd make it, I walked the four blocks to the cemetery. I'd sit on the grass next to her grave and pour out my soul to her. She never answered, but it gave me solace nonetheless.

My son David and his wife Karen were there for me when I was no longer there for myself. I was a hollow shell of the man I had once been.

David pleaded, "Dad, you've got to snap out of it!"

His plea fell on deaf ears. I wanted so badly to be with Laura that it hurt. My doctor gave me pills that he said would pull me out of the abyss. I never took them. In a way, I didn't want to get better. In order to get better, I would have to let the image of Laura fade from my consciousness. I wasn't willing to do that.

Most Sundays David and Karen stopped by with lunch. David said that way they knew I would have at least one nutritious meal a week.

"Dad, why don't you and David go for a walk while I set the table. Give me about a half hour."

David and I walked the beach in silence. He had no answers. Neither did I.

"I guess we should be getting back or Karen will wonder where we went off to." David looked out over the ocean and then at me.

I heard it as I walked through the door. It felt like I had been hit with a defibrillator. The song was on loud and resonated throughout the house. I closed my eyes and started to cry. Not tears of sadness, but tears of joy. I heard Christopher Cross singing:

Hey Laura, Hey Laura,

Every once in a while I'd see her smile

And she'd turn my day around

A girl with those eyes could stare through the lies

And see what your heart was saying

Think of Laura but laugh don't cry

I know she'd want it that way

When you think of Laura laugh don't cry

I know she'd want it that way

A friend of a friend, a friend till the end

That's the kind of girl she was

Taken away so young

Taken away without warning ...

I dropped to my knees. Every memory I had of Laura came rushing back. In those three minutes and forty seconds, I lived a lifetime.

My son knelt next to me. "Dad, you all right?"

"Please, play it again," I pleaded through my tears. Karen started the song again.

She played it four more times before we took a break. While they ate, I played with my food, letting the song lay claim to those parts of my brain that had given up.

"Dad, when I heard it playing on the radio the other day I knew what I had to do. I went online and downloaded it onto an iPod along with a few other songs I think the two of you would have liked," Karen said, handing me the small white iPod Nano. "Then, I just plugged it into your stereo system. I hope you like it."

I gave Karen a hug. "This is the best gift anyone has ever given me."

That night, I set my stereo to continuously play that Christopher Cross song. In bed, with my eyes closed, it was as though Laura were lying there with me. The next morning I awoke, still depressed, but I started taking the pills the doctor had given me for depression.

***

Next week it will be a year since I lost my Laura. I'm better.

Now when I walk the beach in the morning, I have my iPod in my pocket. I think of Laura, and life isn't as bad as it once was. I finished our love nest. She would have loved the way it turned out. When I close my eyes, I see her face and feel her salty tears in the brisk ocean breezes. Then I remember her last words. "My love will keep you warm until we are together again."

I long for that day, but as the song says ...

When you think of Laura laugh don't cry...

I know she'd want it that way.

Slirpuff
Slirpuff
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AnonymousAnonymous23 days ago

My partner for sixth plus years. She is slipping.

There is no treatment. All one can do is be there.

You hope every day for a return to normal but no improvement.

LOVE slap-hapy-papy#9

AnonymousAnonymousabout 1 month ago

Damn. The sand got in my eyes. What is this water dripping from my eyes? Wow. That was a shot to the feels.

AnonymousAnonymous2 months ago

A sad tale but a favorite. Thank you! 5 stars

somewhere east of Omaha

AnonymousAnonymous6 months ago

Beautiful. A tear filled Five stars. I think I will check for your other stories.

JPB

AllNigherAllNigher6 months ago

Great story. Didn't cry but I did mist up a bit. For a 1 pager that's impressive emotional impact.

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