This is How We Change the World Ch. 03

She gave the shut door one last glance as she headed back out front, and smiled. "What can I get for you?"

"Large mocha with whip, iced, and a banana muffin."

Maddy nodded and got to work but her mind was focused on the other side of the wall, on where Lyric was holed up. It only took a minute, and there was a lull after the man took his drink and muffin and went to sit down, so Maddy wiped her hands on her apron and went into the back.

"Nothing," Gertrude said, when she saw her.

Maddy knocked on the door again, but there was no answer again. "Lyric, I'm coming in," she said, and she did.

Lyric was sitting on the floor, under the desk, with her arms around her knees. She looked up and said, "Is he gone?"

"Is who gone?"

"That guy."

"What guy?" She blinked and thought. "That customer?"

Lyric nodded.

"He's sitting in the redmond chair."

Lyric squeezed herself tighter and looked at the door, but when Maddy went to close it she said, "We can't both be back here. You have to go out there. I can't go out there."

"Who is he?"

Lyric just shook her head, or else she was twitching. It was hard to tell, so Maddy closed the door and went back out front.

There wasn't much to do just then. The area behind the counter was clean, and the only customers in the shop were all served and killing time. Maddy pulled out a handful of mugs that were already clean, and planted herself at the end of the bar, out of his line of sight so she could study the man.

He was tall. Relatively good looking. A little bit of dad bod, but he hadn't let himself go by any means. He looked like, at one point, he'd probably been in pretty good shape. He looked...

He was looking. He seemed to be watching everyone who walked by the front of the store. He'd picked a spot that let him stare, and he did so shamelessly. Realizing this made Maddy feel a little bit hypocritical, but she at least had some reason to be doing so. Then she thought that maybe he was just watching the women.

"John," she said, under her breath, and suddenly she was feeling it too. This was one of Lyric's customers. He might recognize her, even if Maddy didn't think it had already happened. Her panic, her upset, was second cousin to whatever Lyric was feeling, but she felt it. She fixed her posture, shoulders back and chin high, and moved to the other end of the bar, so that she was next to him. Just across the aisle. She only needed a moment, in between putting a mug away and turning back toward the register to check for any online orders, to get a better look.

He was big. She and Lyric were of similar height, though Lyric was a bit thinner, and this guy was nearly twice her size. He had seemed nice and polite when ordering, but what did that really count for?

Nobody else came in for the next ten minutes, so Maddy lingered where he couldn't see her. She didn't need to see any more, but it was verboten to leave the front area unattended. Eric, the supervisor, was expected soon, and the owner's son, Hal, often showed up quite early. She tried to walk the line between being there, being present by the standards of the job, while not attracting any attention to herself.

When he left, she knocked on the wall two times.

***

04 Feb 2023

Lyric paused in the middle of applying her nude lipstick, seeing past the reflection, past the narrow focus on her lips, to the person on the other side. Herself. Seeing the things she was trying to hide. That wasn't usually how she thought about it, hiding things, but sometimes that way of framing it snuck in the back door of her mind; quietly eating away at her self-confidence until there was nothing left.

Her hand started shaking.

***

07 Feb 2023

Lyric wrung her hands. It was a nervous tic she wasn't aware of. Everyone was waiting on her. "Yeah."

"Okay," Benjamin said, sitting back. "Go ahead, then."

"I don't have... This might be a little meandering. I don't have, like, a... I don't have a speech prepared for this."

"Do you usually?" Benjamin asked.

Lyric shook her head, and then nodded reluctantly. "I usually have some idea."

"We're all just figuring it out," said a woman she didn't really know. Bea, maybe? She seemed nice. She'd been in group with Lyric once before, maybe twice.

"I'm... with someone now. A girlfriend, maybe, I don't know. It's new."

"You don't know?"

"No, she's my girlfriend. I don't know why I..." Lyric did know why. "I keep accidentally letting her get closer, and closer, and on the one hand I'm terrified she'll learn one more thing about me and that one more thing will be the thing that's finally too much. Like, I don't know where I stand with her. On the other hand, when she does leave me, and I've let her get close to me, it's going to hurt. She's gonna know exactly what to say, and I'm just... It'll kill me.

"And I know I'm getting ahead of myself," she said, after a breath, and quite rapidly. "I know I'm worrying way too much way too soon."

"It's not too soon," said an enbie next to her. Lyric had forgotten their name. "If you're worried, you have good reason to be worried. Babies don't start off afraid of others. That's a learned thing. You learned to be afraid, to protect yourself. That's your journey."

"Yeah, but..." Lyric shook her head. "What if what I learned to be afraid of something specific? What if there's a reason I'm nervous? What if Maddy is that bad, but I'm just so relieved to have someone who doesn't immediately judge me that I'm ignoring a red flag that I... that I..." She knew that once she started explaining, she'd lose the point she was making, so she stopped. "I want to treat her like her own person, and not as a stand-in for all the people who have been shitty to me. I don't want to paint her with that brush. I haven't... I haven't really given her anything yet."

"What do you mean?" Benjamin asked, leaning forward. "Do you mean, materially, or do you mean that you haven't really told her much yet."

Lyric nodded sullenly. "The latter." Then she sniffed, because she felt that tickle in her nose, and added, "I know I'm going to. I'm gonna tell her more. I want to know more about her too, but I don't care about her past. I just wanna know."

"You want to be included," said a quiet man on the far side of the circle. Jake, she thought. "When she tells you things, real things, she's letting you in."

"I want that," Lyric said, feeling like she was finally getting to the heart of something. "I want that more than I'm scared... and that scares me."

A few people around her nodded. A few others clapped lightly.

Rose, Mars, and Sebastian were all in other groups. Usually, afterwards when they all got together, Lyric would just recite everything all over again to get their reactions, their input and advice, but she didn't think that would be the case this time. It had been hard opening up.

Mars didn't talk much either, except to be snarky, but she shared in group. Maybe Lyric would watch Mars a little more closely later. See how she handled it.

***

Megan stared, goggle-eyed, as she made her way up to one of the bar stools. Maddy gave her friend a big smile, a little shrug of her shoulders, and stepped up onto the foot rung.

"What," Megan said, coming over after serving a patron at the far end of the bar, "is this?"

Maddy slowed down, doing the last little bit of wiggling into place with a disbelieving smile that was almost as disbelieving as Megan's. "What?"

"What is this? What are you doing here?"

"I came to see you?"

Megan wiped her hand on her apron and gave a little shake of her head, like she was trying to clear a bad thought from inside of her skull. "You don't do that."

"Of course I do."

"And what's with this smile?"

Maddy, feeling more and more self-conscious, shrugged her shoulders up near her ears.

"You don't go out. Not unless I make you, anyway."

"Should I not have come?" Maddy asked, looking around. "Is this a bad time?"

Megan reached over the bar before Maddy could react, and grabbed her hand, making intense, direct eye contact. "It's the perfect time."

"Oh," Maddy said, laughing with relief. "Okay."

"But also what the actual fuck."

Maddy squinted, thoughtfully. "Does the existence of an actual fuck imply the existence of imaginary fucks?"

Understanding broke over Megan's face, sudden comprehension so swift and so sure that even Maddy could see it. "You got laid."

The redhead sat up a little straighter, eyes darting to either side; no one was paying attention.

"You and Rando."

"Oh my god," Maddy said. "Her name is Lyric!"

But then Megan did something unexpected. Maddy had, on her way there, seen this conversation happening several ways, and in all of them Megan was jumping up and down and trying to lure her, futile-ly, into a high five.

There was none of that. Megan was peering at her. Seeing deeper than Maddy had expected. "That's not all. What is it. Did you finally leave Amy?"

"I'm not gonna leave Amy," Maddy said, exasperatedly. "Why do you keep asking me that?"

"Wishful thinking."

Maddy held up a hand, hoping to forestall another repeat of a conversation they'd had many times, and said, "I think Lyric and I are..." She bobbed her head from side to side, leaving a gap that Megan was more than capable of filling in all on her own.

"You're leaving Amy for Lyric?"

"Stop guessing that for everything! No! I just... have a new girlfriend."

Megan blinked. "When can I meet her?"

This brought Maddy up short, and she just stared back at her friend, slack jawed. "You want to meet her?"

"Of course I want to meet her," Megan said. Something caught her eye, further down the bar, and she gave Maddy a single raised finger as she hustled over to handle a customer.

Maddy just sat there, hands folded on the bar in front of her, and smiled.

"I can't believe you just... came to see me," Megan said, surprising her, as she returned. "I mean, I love it, but I still can't believe it."

"It's not that weird!"

"You're glowing. What did that girl do to you?"

"She did a lot of things," Maddy said, smirking.

"Shut the front door right now."

Maddy just preened.

"Oh my god! I'm so happy for you! Who made the first move?"

Maddy blinked. "You know... I don't even remember?"

Megan squinted, asking, "Sorta mutual?"

"Sorta," Maddy said, slowly, dragging out the 'r' sound.

"I can't believe you're here!"

At this point, Maddy just rolled her eyes.

"You don't understand," Megan said. "I mean, how many years? You used to come by on Thursdays, do you remember?"

"I could go for some wings," Maddy said, eyes focusing in the distance.

"Yeah! Wing night! When was the last time you just, on your own, of your own volition, went out for wing night?"

Maddy thought. It had been after Amy had gotten her panties in a twist, googled for a minute, and rattled off a series of discomforting facts about the meat industry. Amy wasn't a vegetarian, by any means, but there were some meats that met her standards and some that didn't. Maddy didn't want to say this, however, because Megan already had more than enough ammo when it came to fights Maddy had lost to Amy, most without even trying.

So, instead, she said, "Years."

"And now here you are."

"Here I am," Maddy said, finding her way back to a genuine smile.

"Does this chick have, like, a magic tongue or something?"

Maddy blushed wildly, again looking back and forth, and made a slicing motion across her neck with her flattened hand.

"What is she doing right now? Can she come here?"

"Nah," Maddy said. "She's at a thing."

"Okay. You want a beer?"

"And some wings," Maddy said, nodding.

Megan beamed.

***

Because she was working night shifts, group tended to happen in Lyric's morning, a little while after she woke up. The train ride back had been nice, to help her clear her head. Maddy was sitting on the couch with a bowl of popcorn when Lyric walked back in.

She reached for the remote to pause the TV, and smiled. "How was group?"

Lyric locked the door behind her, and had to firmly resist the check she usually performed to make sure the apartment was empty. Maddy knew to be careful.

"It was hard," Lyric said, honestly. "I usually have something I want to talk about, but today it was so important that I almost didn't talk about it at all. Like, I was afraid of it, and talking about it might make it worse." She hung up her coat, took off her boots, and fished her phone out of her purse.

"Did they have good advice?"

Lyric shrugged. "It's not about the advice. It's more about—"

"Right, right," Maddy said. "The opportunity to open up. Well, was that good? Did it feel good to talk about it? Whatever it was?"

Lyric chewed on her lip. "Tell me something about yourself."

This time, Maddy turned at the waist, rather than just turning her head at the neck, and as Lyric walked around the couch to sit down, Maddy kept her body angled toward her. Facing her. There was some kind of body language thing going on that Lyric didn't quite understand, something open about it, but it felt like Maddy was treating her seriously.

"Well," Maddy said, slowly, "I first met Amy right after high school. She—"

"No," Lyric said. "Not... not Amy. Not them. Not anyone else. Tell me something about you."

This seemed to stymy Maddy, and she was quiet for a few seconds. "I used to really like My Little Pony."

Lyric's eyes brightened. "Oh yeah? I used to watch that show a lot."

Maddy smiled a private little smile. "Not the new ones. I'm old. I liked the old ones."

"There were other shows?"

Maddy laughed, loudly. "Yes. Several."

"Do you not like them anymore? Did the new ones ruin it?"

"No," Maddy said, slowly, rolling her eyes a little. "I just... grew out of it."

"What did you like about it?"

The look Maddy gave her was curious, intense, and then turned inwards. She was silent for a few seconds. "It was sweet. It was nice. It wasn't all about fighting. Sappy and heartwarming and just... nice."

"Did you just watch the shows, or did you collect the dolls too?"

"Yeah," Maddy said, looking down and nodding. "I had dolls too."

"Wow. I bet those are worth something today." Lyric heard the words come out of her mouth, and shook her head. "Sorry. Not suggesting you should try to profit off of your childhood. I just meant that you've probably got a box or ten tucked... away in a..."

Maddy was nodding. "Last time I had them out, Amy was surprised I hadn't already thrown them away years before." Then she blinked. "Not passive aggressive or anything. She was legitimately shocked I still had them."

Lyric had an urge in her bones to ask more, a deep and abiding urge, but she had a feeling that asking more would lead their conversation in a different direction. Instead, she said, "I'm very politically active."

This made Maddy's eyebrows rise. "Oh?"

"I don't talk about it, because I tend to go on and on once I start, but... yeah. I'm kind of a socialist, and-and fuck capitalism, and fuck billionaires, and fuck the patriarchy!"

"Huh."

"I read, some," she said, feeling that impulse to gush, "but today, most of the people whose political opinions I respect are on Youtube. They're doing long form essays, not writing books."

"God," Maddy said. "I... I used to care. I used to..."

"That's a tactic," Lyric said, pointing feverishly. "They make things complicated, and a drag, and it's designed to wear you down and accept because that's easier. It's a trick."

"How do you have the energy for that?"

Lyric looked down and shrugged. "It's... personal."

"Because of the trans thing?"

She could feel her eyes welling up. "I used to have to defend my existence. With my dad. As soon as he had a drop to drink, I knew he was gonna come spout something he heard Tucker Carlson say. Or worse."

"The bow tie guy?"

Lyric waved her off. That was too much of a tangent to get into.

Maddy seemed to pick up on this. "You've never talked about your family before."

She had so much she wanted to say. It was all right there. Always fresh in her mind despite the fact that she'd left Chicago five years ago. A lifetime ago. She wanted to talk about how she hadn't talked to her mother or father since then. She hadn't talked to her older brother in even longer.

"I still talk to my sister," she said, voice hoarse. "Sometimes."

"She's supportive?"

Lyric nodded. "She's sent me money a couple times." After a beat, she added, "I always paid her back." She didn't really know why she added this.

"That's not what I meant," Maddy said, "but good to know. Does anyone else know that she talks to you, or does she keep that a secret."

"Yes, she's supportive," Lyric said, "and no. Apparently, I come up a lot, and she fills me in."

"Well, that's good."

Desperate to change the subject, Lyric said, "Tell me something else."

Maddy nodded slowly, eyes unfocused, and said, "Quitting smoking was the hardest thing I've ever done. Sometimes, I'm proud of that, and sometimes I'm just embarrassed."

"Which is it today?"

"A little of both," Maddy said, after only the slightest pause. "How about you? Hardest thing you've ever done?"

"Wouldn't know where to start," Lyric said. "Admitting to myself that I'm trans. Coming out to my family. Leaving Chicago."

Maddy, in a curiously soft voice, said, "I didn't know you weren't from here."

Lyric nodded. "Going to group the first time was hard. Getting up the courage to go to a clinic when I got here."

Maddy reached over and took her hand. "And you did all that alone?"

Lyric shrugged.

Maddy held her hand, stroking softly with her thumb. "Huh. Suddenly smoking sounds stupid and quitting not such a big thing."

"You shouldn't compare. When I first got here, I got in with a couple girls. They let me crash on their couch. One of them was, like, she was an escort. They all hooked, but she did more. Made it look kinda glamorous at first. But... then I met her pimp." She went silent, trying not to think too hard about it. "I snuck out the window that night. I had a bad feeling. There she was, like a model or something, but... life put her on that path and... it was easy to just say she's beautiful, I bet she can do anything, or why would she let this happen to herself. It was more complicated than that, and... her journey was different than mine. Just like mine was different than yours. Did you ever lose sleep over quitting?"

Maddy frowned, almost wincing. "I mean, yeah, but that's... just... that's what happens when you quit. You're all edges."

"Sounds about right," Lyric said, softly.

"So..." Maddy squeezed her hand. "Couple days ago. That guy."

Lyric stiffened.

"He was a... a customer?"

She just nodded.

"Has that happened before?"

Lyric cleared her throat. "No. I don't think so. But, you know, sometimes I worry that I don't... that I don't remember all of them. That one could show up, somewhere, and I wouldn't even notice before... I don't even know what I'm afraid of. That they'd recognize me, and..."

"Out you?"

Lyric breathed out slowly. "Yes. I mean, I might have these catastrophic thoughts about getting beat up, or raped, or worse, but really... I think... like, what if one came up at work and said something, so that then everyone knew, you know? I need that job. I think getting outed would be..." She trailed off, failing to follow her own advice while she tried to figure out the hierarchy of worst case scenarios.

"It's not right how sex work gets maligned." Maddy fell against the back of the couch, and patted the spot next to her. Lyric took this as a cue, and curled up next to her. "If you lost that job, then what? Hypothetically?"