Venus by Chance?

"Venus here will choose her dwelling, and forsake her Cyprian groves"

(Dryden)

*

Jana lived a life of self imposed semi-isolation. She was one of those women who, it seems, having loved once, could not find it in them selves to risk loving again.

Having finished studying at a commercial college she had been fortunate in that she got a job as clerical assistant in the staff library of the City Botanic Gardens.

It was here that she first met Guy. At that time the Defence Forces had taken an interest in the possibilities for personal to, if necessary, live off the native Australian vegetation in case of emergency.

To put that in perspective, the small population of approximately twenty million people living in a vast island continent, much of which is semi-arid country, would be hard put to defend themselves against a neighbouring country of say two hundred million plus.

One of the contingency plans was for the army to fight an inland guerrilla war against any invader. Hence the wish to discover what was edible and available in the arid regions.

Guy had come to the library in search of what information it might have on edible native plants. A young army officer, handsome in his uniform, immediately caught the eye of nineteen year old Jana. The attraction was reciprocal. Guy was drawn to the pretty buxom young women who tried to help him find what he was looking for.

His library research did not last long since he was passed on to some of the expert staff working in the Gardens, but during the time he was there he made sure he continued seeing Jana -- the two of them sharing lunch breaks.

Dates followed, and in the way of youth, they were soon deeply in love and plans were made for their marriage.

Jana's parents, although very much approving of Guy as a person, warned Jana about the risks of marrying a soldier.

"You never know...you never know..." her father said sagely. Her mother added, "Remember Aunty Flo; she married that soldier and he got killed in New Guinea."

When a girl is in love as Jana was, trying to warn her not to commit herself to the beloved one is like trying to shoot down a jet fighter with a bow and arrow.

One of the hopes that the Australian government clung to was that the country's defence might be bolstered by a "Great and Powerful Friend" that would come to the rescue in time of trouble. The main problem was, how to keep this Great and Powerful Friend on side.

To this end Australia found itself often involved in the wars initiated by the Great and Powerful Friend, namely, sending some part of its Defence Forces to distant places at the behest of the Great and Powerful Friend. As one Australian prime minister put it as he announced yet another involvement in a distant conflict, "It's in Australia's long term interest."

The rights and wrongs of this I shall avoid discussing, since I am only concerned here with our deeply in love young couple.

When it was announced that Guy would be part of a contingent to be sent to the overseas conflict, Guy and Jana decided to bring forward the date for their marriage, and this in effect meant that they had two weeks of married life before Guy departed for the far country.

Guy returned to Australia in a coffin.

Jana was devastated. The long night of her grief brought her to the state of semi-isolation I have already referred to. Her life ran between the library and her flat.

It was not that further opportunities for love and marriage were not available. She was young and attractive, but approaches by young men were spurned. For Jana, Guy had been the love of her life, and no other would do.

* * * * * * * *

Fortuna, that fickle goddess of chance, sometimes intervenes in a person's life. She did so in Jana's life.

The man who had been the librarian for many years, retired, to be replaced by Karma Riddell, a woman in her mid thirties. Tall, long legged, blonde haired and blues eyed, she was extremely attractive. She and Jana quickly discovered that they had something in common. They were both war widows.

Karma's husband, also a soldier, had been killed in an alleged "peace keeping" mission some years before the conflict that had killed Guy, the difference being that Karma's marriage had lasted several years prior to his death, and Karma had a fourteen year old son, Garrett, usually referred to as Gary.

No doubt it was their mutual marital tragedies that drew the two women together, and Karma, some fourteen years Jana's senior, began to play something of a maternal role in Jana's life.

It was she who encouraged Jana to take up studies again with the objective of becoming a fully qualified librarian. She also invited Jana to her home and in general started to draw Jana out of her self imposed cocoon.

What Fortuna has capriciously granted she can just as quickly take away.

Karma was not the sort of woman to spend a lifetime as a widow. As she once confided to Jana when they had enjoyed a few glasses of Chardonnay, "I need something in bed that's more than a one night stand."

A horticulturalist, James, visiting the Garden's library when on a visit to the city was instantly smitten by the blonde Karma. She was just as smitten with him. He had only a short time in the city; their romance was wild and passionate, and Karma, not only discovered how satisfying he was in bed, but also that he and her son related well.

The upshot was, that some fifteen months after Karma had taken up the post as librarian, she was on her way to Perth to marry James.

The loss of Karma in her life was a bitter blow for Jana, however, she did not revert completely to her former isolation. While still working in the library she continued her part-time studies to eventually qualify, at which point she took up a position in one of the suburban Council libraries.

Karma's departure did not completely end Jana's contact with her, since they corresponded frequently, and it was this correspondence that after some years brought about another turn in the wheel of chance for Jana.

* * * * * * * *

Once ensconced as a fully qualified librarian, and receiving the increased salary that went with it, Jana bought -- or more accurately took out a mortgage on -- a two bed roomed cottage in the suburb where she worked. This change of address, together with details of her acquisition, was obviously communicated to Karma.

About a year after she had moved into the cottage, Jana received a letter from Karma. This was not in itself unusual, what was unusual was the request it contained.

In essence this was a request on Garrett's behalf.

"He has got the crazy notion that he wants to be an art historian, and the appropriate studies are not available here. He will be coming to live in your city, and we wondered -- we shall understand if you say no -- if you have room for him to live with you. We shall of course meet all the costs involved."

The letter went on to assure Jana that Gary would be no trouble; that he was clean and tidy, and he would be able to cook for himself. "It's just that we thought it would be better for him to live with someone he knows, rather than one of the hostels or colleges."

Jana's memory of Gary at age fourteen, was of a rather thin, pimply and reserved youth with whom she'd had little to do.

She was unenthusiastic about the idea of having him stay with her, but she finally agreed to give it a try. This was based mainly on two factors; first, her memory of the kindness and affection she had received from Karma, and secondly the repayment of her mortgage was putting a heavier strain on her budget than she had anticipated -- Karma had suggested financial terms for Gary's lodging that were hard to refuse.

Consequently Jan sat waiting in the airport arrivals lounge one Friday evening for the flight from Perth. The arrival was announced and the passengers started to pour into the lounge to collect their luggage, Jana stood looking for the youth she had known some five years previously.

It was Gary who found her, and not she him.

"Jana?"

She turned to see a young man she could barely recognise. The years had stretched him upward and outward, and there was no trace of pimples.

"Gary?"

He smiled and said, "Yes, you didn't recognise me, did you?"

"Er...no...it has been some time and you've changed."

He laughed and said, "Yes, I suppose I have, but I haven't really noticed it myself."

To Jana's eyes he had changed somewhat radically, but she made no further comment as they collected his luggage and made their way to the car park and the cottage.

Despite her lack of enthusiasm at having Gary stay with her, she had gone to some trouble to prepare his room.

To begin with, the room had been used largely to store those items that hung suspended between the desire to keep them and the necessity to throw them away. Those that still had some use value had been donated to the Red Cross, and the rest had gone the way of the city rubbish tip, to be replaced with bed, wardrobe, chest of drawers and a desk with swivel chair. This, I should add, at Gary's parents' expense - the curtains and rug Jana had paid for.

After the inspection Gary asked, "Mind if I keep a computer in here?"

"No, but you haven't brought one with you, so..."

"I'll buy one as soon as I can get around to shopping," he replied.

"Spoiled brat," Jana thought.

* * * * * * * *

Now consider; a rather good looking and well set up young man, who having sloughed of the reserve of early youth, and who proved to be of warm personality, and young and attractive woman of twenty six and some six years his senior.

Given that mix, it could prove to be like throwing petrol on to a fire; things would be inclined to warm up.

But then we must take into consideration what Jana saw as her lifetime commitment to the much loved Guy. However irrational that may seem to you, it has been the lot of many women who have lost husbands and lovers in war, or even for other reasons.

Such an approach to life can become deeply embedded and even though bodily and psychological needs may cry out for fulfilment, those needs are restrained by the fear of loving and losing again.

As Karma had predicted, Gary was no trouble, in fact he proved a positive help around the place, having the ability to change tap washers, unblock waste pipes, mend fuses, and even cooking occasional meals for them. He was not even averse to doing some of the heavier gardening jobs.

Thus from viewing Gary as an unwanted presence in her life, she came to view him as a positive asset. When, during vacation times, he visited his mother and step-father in Perth, she felt a void in her days.

Here I turn to one of the more esoteric aspects of woman. Dare I say it in the twenty first century? At the risk of having the feminist lobby pour scorn upon me, I feel I must say it.

There are women, even now, who are made for and long to produce offspring.

Had Jana been confronted with such a statement she might well have denied it, unless of course the production had been in collusion with the long gone Guy. She had in fact often wished that their brief sexual encounter had produced a child since such would have been for her some physical presence of Guy still in her life.

There came a time when despite her attempts at denial, Jana found herself admitting that Gary attracted her sexually. Such admissions were quickly squashed, but looking at his lithe but powerful body, his dark hair and deep blue eyes, the thought flittered through her mind, "It would be wonderful to have a baby with him."

Imagine then what went on inside Jana as her loyalty to the love she and Guy had shared -- no matter how misplaced you think it may be -- and the growing sexual attraction for Gary and the burgeoning desire for motherhood, struggled for supremacy within her.

Her relationship with Gary had intensified, in that he often took her out to dinner and concerts, and of course, given his art interests, to galleries. Even though this might look like some old fashioned style of courtship, Gary never made any overt sexual approach to Jana, and this was also puzzling and confusing to her.

Bewildered, even frighten by, the powerful emotions battling within her, Jana found herself becoming increasingly sexually aroused. The once adequate Guy substitute, her vibrator, no long sufficed to meet her needs.

Many may shrug such emotions off as unimportant, but those who have endured them know the pain they bring with them

* * * * * * * *

Now I must turn to an aspect of the story that holds within it the deepest mystery of all. I cannot affirm the veracity of what I am about to relate; I only repeat as faithfully as I can what was told to me.

It was just over a year since Gary had come to live with Jana and she was at what proved to be the height of her emotional crisis.

During her lunch breaks she had taken to agitatedly walking the streets adjacent to the library, as if the physical exercise might burn off some of the inner tension she was experiencing.

One day walking along a street she had often traversed before, she stopped short at the opening to an alleyway.

"That's odd," she thought, "I've never noticed this before."

Glancing up she saw a sign on a wall that read, "Spring Lane."

The lane was no more than three metres wide, and seemed to connect the street where she was standing with another running parallel to it some hundred or more metres away.

Perplexed at never having noticed the lane before she decided to explore it; the exploration proved disappointing because on either side were only the blank walls of buildings, until she was about half was along it. Here set into a wall was a doorway, over which there was a sign, "Antiques."

She took it to be one of those places that while claiming to be antique shops, were in fact second hand places selling mainly trashy discarded items of no great value.

Jana had no particular reason to want to inspect the stock, but almost without thinking she pushed open the shop door and entered.

To one side was a small counter, at which a gnomish looking elderly man sat on a high stool with a box of beads in front of him. With a pair of tweezers he was extracting the beads one by one, and laying them out in order of size and colour.

He glanced up at her as she entered, looking at her through pebble glasses that made his rheumy eyes look huge. He gave her a thin wheedling smile, but said nothing.

The place confirmed what Jana had thought; cheap bric-a-brac, cracked tea services, faded paintings, a pile of old magazines and books, boxes of cheap jewellery and other junk that many would have thrown away.

Her first thought was to walk out again, but somehow she felt the need to browse, so she stayed.

Walking past the tables and shelves she saw nothing of interest until she came upon a clay figurine.

About eleven centimetres high, she found it revolting. The head was without features and for the most part was covered by what looked like a tight fitting cap. Virtually

neck-less, from its chest huge breasts hung down to vast hips, and behind great buttocks protruded. There was the gaping hole of an umbilicus and clearly outlined at the top of its thick thighs was a pudendum.

The legs seemed to taper away as if the maker of the monstrosity had lost interest, and the lower parts of the legs were missing.

Jana was partly revolted and partly amused.

"Why the hell would anyone want to make a monstrosity like that, much less buy it?" she wondered.

She was about to pass on but something held her there. She stood looking at the figurine, as if its very grotesqueness fascinated her.

She picked it up, feeling its rough texture, and felt a shiver of... what?

It was not unlike the ecstasy she had experienced when Guy's penis had been in her vagina -- indeed, she felt that sensitive organ preparing for penetration at that moment.

Still holding the figurine she approached the man at the counter who was still sorting the beads.

His magnified eyes looked up at her. She extended the figurine to him asking, "How much is this?"

A razor sharp smile passed over his pallid lips as he said, "I can see madam can pick a bargain."

His voice was like the squeak of rusty hinges on a door.

"How much is it," Jana asked again.

"It depends on the customer madam. May I ask if you have children madam?"

Somewhat flabbergasted by the question Jana stuttered, "N-no...no...I haven't."

"Yes...yes...I thought that might be so, madam. You see, I'm reluctant to let her go to just anyone, but I can see that you'll appreciate her as she deserves to be."

"But how..."

"Shall we say five dollars madam?"

Even for such a hideous object Jana felt that five dollars was incredibly cheap. She took out a five dollar note and handed it over.

"Thank you madam, and if at any time you finish with her, then I shall be happy to take her back for the price you paid for her. I think I should wrap her for you, because you never know, do you?"

Jana had no idea what she'd "never know," and was puzzled that if she brought the item back she'd be refunded what she had given for it. She wondered if that applied to all the objects on sale.

The old man took a cardboard box from under the counter, and lining it with tissue paper placed the figurine in it.

Watching him Jana had the curious feeling that he handled the figure with the tenderness of a lover.

Handing over the box he said, "If I might offer a small piece of advice, don't put her on display until you are ready for her, otherwise the result might be a trifle alarming."

"Thank you," Jan replied, not sure what she was thanking him for.

As she left the shop she thought, "The poor old guy is dotty. Probably spent too much time among all that junk."

* * * * * * * *

It was usual in the library, that when members of the staff had been engaged in a lunchtime shopping foray, to proudly display their purchases for the admiration of the others. Jana felt no such urge.

She slipped the box into the drawer of her desk and there it remained until it was time to go home.

Back in the cottage she failed to show Gary her purchase, taking it to her bedroom and putting into a drawer. Over the dinner that Gary had prepared she asked casually, "Have you ever been down Spring Lane?"

"Where?"

"Spring Lane, its really just an alley running between Tredray Parade and Howland Street."

"Never seen it...never even heard of it, why?"

"Oh, no reason really," Jana said, dismissing the subject.

It was strange, but that evening she felt a stronger sexual impulse towards Gary than ever before. She tried to conjure up and image of Guy to counter this urge, but no such image would appear. Even when Gary left her to work in his room she yearned for his presence.

Finally she retired to her bedroom and lying on the bed whispered, "If only he would...if only he would..."

She imagined Gary raping her, and how she would surrender to his assault; then she laughed bitterly because Gary had shown no overt signs of desiring her.

She longed to get inside Garry's head to see what was going on in there. Would he succumb to her seduction if she made her desire obvious?

"Dear God," she murmured to herself, "The only man since Guy I really want, and he's not interested."

She relieved her sexual tension with the vibrator, and afterwards showered to remove the aroma from her body.

Yes, she wanted Gary to copulate with her, but there was more, much more that she wanted -- that her body craved -- but she could not focus or name what it was.

She took the box with the figurine in it from the drawer and removed the figure. Propping it up against the dressing table mirror she stood gazing at its grotesqueness.