Warren Butterfield Pt. 04

The first month we were apart, Megan had tried to call me three of four times a week but I wouldn't talk to her. I thought long and hard about everything that had happened over the last few years and although I knew that it wasn't Megan that had created the problems in our marriage, she is the one who refused to see the damage her mother was doing and had constantly taken Trish's side in disputes.

Buck and Mace came to visit but they made it clear that they thought that I should try to work things out with Megan.

One Saturday afternoon in late September I had been out mowing the lawn and when I finished I went into the house and found Kate talking on the phone. Kate was laughing and chatting away like she was talking to an old friend.

I walked over to ask her who she was talking to and she just handed me the phone.

"Hello?"

"Warren?"

It was Megan. I didn't want to talk to her but I couldn't hang up on her either.

"Hi."

"How have you been?"

"I'd rather not talk about that," I said.

"I understand," Megan said.

Then for the next ten minutes we talked about my new job and how Kate was doing. Megan started to say something about Trish and I stopped her.

"Don't mention that woman to me... Ever."

"Sorry. Did you know that I went to see my father?"

"Yes. I talked to him last week," I said.

After that we were both silent for a minute.

"Would it be all right if I called Kate again?" Megan asked.

"Yes. I think Kate would like that," I said.

"When I call, would you talk to me too?"

"I guess," I said.

"Next week then?"

"Okay," I said and then Megan hung up.

That became the pattern for the next few months. Megan would usually call on Saturday or Sunday and I would let Kate answer that phone. Somehow that made it seem that Megan was calling to talk to her instead of me and that was the way I wanted it even though I had started looking forward to her calls.

***** Chapter 32 - Shrinkage

It was in November that I finally decided that I had a problem and I needed help. I couldn't seem to get past what had happened to my marriage. I hadn't been able to sleep well since before the break up. While I couldn't bring myself to go see Megan it would bother me if she didn't call when I expected her to call. I tried to tell myself that I was disappointed if Megan didn't call Kate but part of me knew that I wanted to talk to her too.

I just couldn't make myself move on. So, in November I went to see a psychologist and for the next two and half months he frustrated the hell out of me. I went to Dr. Snyder hoping he would tell me what I needed to do to get on with my life. Instead of giving me answers he just gave me questions, often the same questions over and over.

My last session with Dr. Snyder was mid-January.

"Warren, how are you feeling today?"

"Same as always."

"What would you like to talk about today?" Dr. Snyder said.

"I want to know what I should do to make myself feel better," I said.

"What do you want to feel better about?"

"The same thing as always. The breakup of my marriage," I said.

"Have you filed for a divorce yet?"

"You know that I haven't. Why do you keep asking that question?" I said.

"I think it is important. Why haven't you filed?"

"Why should I have to do that? Let Megan file," I said.

"Why did your marriage break up? Was your wife unfaithful to you?"

"I told you before, Megan was not unfaithful. She never cheated on me. But she let her mother ruin my life."

"So you blame Megan for her mother's actions."

"No... Yes... I don't know. That fucking bitch ruined my life," I said.

"Megan ruined your life?"

"No. Not Megan, her mother."

"But you blame Megan."

"Yes."

"When Megan's mother first moved in with you, did you see any reason Megan shouldn't trust her mother?"

"No."

"When she first moved in, did you trust Megan's mother?"

"Yes."

"When did you start to distrust Megan's mother?"

"I don't know exactly when I started to distrust Trish. It was kind of a gradual thing."

"And you think that Megan should have noticed the same things you did?"

"Yes."

"So you felt that Megan should have distrusted her mother?"

"She should have seen what Trish was up to. She should have listened to me," I said.

"Where you aware of anything that Trish had done prior to moving in with you that made you not trust her?" Dr. Snyder asked.

"No. She always seemed nice."

"Did Megan ever say anything about her childhood that made you think her mother was a bad person?"

"No."

"But you believe that Megan should have picked up on her mother's evil ways as quickly as you did?"

"Maybe not as quickly but she should have eventually seen that something was wrong."

"You said before that you were having problems at work during this time," Dr. Snyder said.

"Yes."

"Were these problems caused by Megan?"

"My problems at work? No. Of course not."

"Was Megan's mother responsible for your problems at work?"

"No. My problem at work was my boss. He and the fact that I hated my job," I said.

"So, your job and your marriage problems were completely separate issues that were happening at the same time?"

"Yes."

"I guess you were pretty angry all of the time."

"Not all of the time but I was angry a lot of the time."

"Do you think that anger affected the way you saw things?"

"How the hell should I know? Maybe it did."

"Do you want a divorce?" Dr. Snyder said.

"Why do you keep asking me that?"

"Because you never give me a straight answer. Let's say that Megan never files for a divorce, will you file?"

"I don't know. I haven't really thought about that."

"You should think about it. Do you think that if your wife wanted a divorce she would have filed already?"

"I guess so."

"So what do you want to do?" Dr. Snyder said.

"Why can't you just tell me what to do?" I said.

"Warren, you are not sick; you are just confused about your feelings. I can't tell you how to feel or what to do. All I can do is help you clear the cobwebs from your mind so that you can make your own decisions. Let me ask you this? Do you hate your wife?"

"No."

"Are you so angry with her that you want to hurt her?"

"No."

"Do you wish she would just go away and leave you alone?"

"Yes... No... Shit, I don't know."

"I think you do know, Warren. You don't need to answer this one, Warren, just think about it until our next meeting. If Megan were here right now, would you want to hug her or scream at her?"

"If Megan were here right now?" The first image that came to my mind was the way she was looking at me with her big blue eyes full of tears as I walked out of the house. I didn't want to think about that.

"I don't want to hurt Megan."

I couldn't get that image of Megan out of my head as I drove home after the session.

***** Chapter 33 The Ambush

Later that week I got a call from Mace telling me that he and Buck were going to come down to see me on Sunday. I hadn't seen them in about a month so I was happy that they were coming to visit.

When Buck and Mace arrived Paula and Georgia were with them. I hadn't expected to see the girls but I invited them all into the house. We talked for a few minutes about nothing important and then during a lull in the conversation I saw Paula jab Buck with her elbow and then she tilted her head toward me.

"Hey, why don't I go pick up a pizza?" Buck suggested.

"Good idea, I'll go with you," Mace said.

I somehow knew what was coming next. I tried to suggest that we just order a pizza and have it delivered but Buck and Mace insisted that they would have to go pick it up. On the way out the door Mace whispered, "Sorry, man."

As soon as the door closed, Georgia asked me to come back and sit with them. The two women were sitting on the sofa so I sat in a chair facing them.

"Do you have any idea how much pain you have caused Megan?" Georgia asked.

"This isn't my fault," I said in my defense.

"It wasn't Megan's fault either. It was that evil mother of hers," Paula said. "Megan is miserable. You have to go see her. She still loves you."

"If she loves me why didn't she see what her mother was doing to me?" I said.

"Her mother was doing it to both of you," Paula said.

"Why are you being so stubborn?" Georgia said. "It's obvious that you aren't happy without her. Just talk to her."

"I do talk to her almost every weekend," I said

"Oh, wow. You speak to her on the phone for about ten minutes but you won't let her talk about what happened with her mother," Georgia said.

"Don't get us wrong, Butter, we are not taking sides," Paula said. "We care a lot about both of you and we know that the two of you belong together. Go see Megan."

"I know, I know... I am going to have to talk to her sometime but I am not sure that I am ready yet," I said.

"It's time to pull yourself together and get ready," Georgia said. "Megan loves you and she wants to be with you. It's up to you. You're the only one that can make this better."

The beating lasted another twenty minutes, until Mace and Buck finally came back and pulled their women off me. Figuratively speaking, that is.

There was no more talk of Megan until the four of them were leaving. On their way out the door, Paula kissed me on the cheek and said, "Go see her."

***** Chapter 34 - Could I Forgive Megan?

The following Saturday Megan called Kate and talked for a while and then asked to speak with me as usual.

"Butter, I need to ask you something important," she said.

I felt my stomach tighten up. "Okay, ask."

"Do you think you can ever forgive me?" Megan said.

I don't know where the answer came from because I don't remember even thinking about it.

"I think so."

There seemed to be a catch in Megan's voice when she spoke again.

"Can we meet to talk about this face to face?"

"I guess it's about time we talked," I said. "When do you want to do this?"

"Can you come up Saturday?" I could hear the hope in her voice.

I thought about that for a moment. "I guess so. Where would you like to meet?"

"Why don't you come to my apartment?"

"I'd rather meet somewhere neutral."

"Okay, how about the Stonewood Café over by Embshoff Woods Park?" Megan said.

"That's a few blocks from our old house, isn't it?"

"Yes. Is that all right?" Megan said.

"That's fine. I'll meet you there Saturday afternoon at two o'clock," I said.

"Thanks. Butter?"

"What?"

"I miss you," Megan said.

I almost told her that I missed her too but I said, "See you Saturday," instead.

Chapter 35 - Under the Weather

I went to the home to see Kate on Friday evening and took her out for dinner. I told her I wouldn't be able to bring her home with me that night because I had to go to Cincinnati to see Megan the next day.

"That's all right, Warren. Can I go with you the next time you go to see Megan?" Kate said.

"Yes. I am sure that Megan would love to see you," I said.

It was thirty-four degrees and raining when I dropped Kate back at the home. As I drove home I was beginning to feel a little queasy. Apparently I was more nervous about seeing Megan the next day than I expected. By the time I got home my stomach was in real turmoil and I felt weak legged when I got out of my car to walk into the house. I began to wonder if something I had eaten disagreed with me.

I went straight to bed and fell into a restless sleep only to wake at 2:00 AM with stomach cramps. I spent the next forty-five minutes in the bathroom with the most severe case of diarrhea I could ever remember having. When it ended my stomach hurt and I was covered with sweat.

I finally got back to bed but only slept for an hour before I had to return to the bathroom this time to vomit. I won't describe this other than to say that when it was over I didn't have the strength to go all the way back to my bedroom so I collapsed on the sofa.

In the morning I didn't feel much better. I tried to eat some toast for breakfast but ended up depositing it in the toilet just minutes after swallowing it. I didn't try to eat anything else after that. I couldn't have, even if I wanted to.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I remembered Grandma Jean saying that ginger brandy was good for settling an upset stomach so I went to the pantry to find the ginger brandy. There wasn't any so I grabbed a bottle of bourbon and took it back to the living room with me. I can tell you that that was a very bad idea. As soon as I removed the cap from the bottle and I smelled the bourbon I was headed back to the bathroom to chant 'BUICK' at the porcelain temple. I must have fallen asleep for a while because the next thing I was aware of was my phone ringing. It took me a moment to realize what the noise was and then I jumped up to answer it.

"Hello?"

"If you didn't want to see me why didn't you just tell me? You got my hopes up and then you stood me up. That was cruel."

"Megan?"

"Why didn't you come?" Megan said.

I must have stood up too quickly because all of a sudden my head was spinning.

"Megan, I'm... Oh, shit," was all I managed to say before I fell to the floor. I tried to reach for the phone again but my stomach had other ideas and I had to crawl back to the bathroom again.

After ten minutes of dry heaves I managed to walk back to the sofa, where I collapsed, and then fell asleep.

The next thing I remember was someone banging on the door. The lights were on in the house and it was dark outside so I couldn't see who was at the door.

"Damn it, Warren, open this door," I heard some one yelling.

I couldn't seem to make myself move. I tried to get up and I almost knocked over the bourbon bottle over. To keep it from falling I grabbed the bottle around the neck and picked it up then the pounding started again.

"Don't ignore me, Warren, open the door."

I managed to push myself into a standing position and I staggered toward the door. My head was spinning again and I was having trouble concentrating on what I was doing. When I opened the door I found Megan standing on the porch. She looked at me and then looked into the living room were I had been sleeping.

"You're drunk. You stood me up so you could get drunk?" Megan said.

"No... I..." I started to say but then I heard a loud bang and I fell to the floor.

"What the fuck? Megan, you shot me," I tried to say but my words didn't sound right.

Why would she shoot me? Just because I didn't drive up to see her, was I going to die because I didn't go to see her?

Megan bent down over me and started talking but I couldn't understand anything she was saying. She put her fingers on my neck and I heard her say, "Oh, my God."

I guessed that she was checking to see if I was dead yet and was disappointed to find me still alive. Megan got up and ran from the room and it sounded like she went into the kitchen. I could hear her talking but I don't think she was talking to me. I could only make out two words. "Please hurry."

Then I heard her open the refrigerator. Could she really be so cold that she would shoot me and then go looking for something to eat?

I must have passed out for a few minutes but when I woke up I felt cold and my back and sides felt wet. I figured that I was lying in a pool of my own blood and I wondered if Megan was really going to let me die. Megan came back into the room and knelt next to me and tried to push something down over my face. It appeared that she was trying to suffocate me and I fought her off as best I could.

I couldn't seem to stay conscious. I was fading in and out and at one point I woke to find a man trying to stick a needle in my arm. I pulled my arm away from him and tried to push him away from me. Apparently Megan found someone to help her finish me off?

"Why are you doing this to me?" I asked, but no one responded.

Suddenly a second man appeared and he held my arm down and strapped it to something so that the first guy could stick me with his needle. After that I don't remember anything until I woke later in an unfamiliar room.

***** Chapter 36 - My Confusion

I felt dizzy and confused and I wondered for a moment if I was dead. It took me several minutes to realize that somebody must have saved me and that I was in a hospital room. I tried to move and nearly panicked when I couldn't move my arms or legs. I must have made some noise because a nurse appeared next to my bed. I tried to speak to her but my mouth was so dry that I couldn't form any words. The nurse stuck a thermometer in my mouth and held it there until it beeped. When she looked at the thermometer the nurse said, "That's a little better," and then she wrote something on the clipboard hanging at the end of my bed.

"The doctor will be in to see you in a few minutes," she said as she left the room. She returned a few moments later with a cup of ice. She gently put a spoonful of the ice in my mouth.

"Just let it melt before you swallow," she said.

I did as she instructed and then opened my mouth for more.

The cold water felt good as it went down my sore throat. I had finished about half of the ice in the cup before I tried to speak. It was difficult but I did manage to get the words out and I could almost understand was I was saying.

"Am I going to die?" I asked.

"No. You should be fine in a couple of days," the nurse said.

"Did I lose a lot of blood?" I said.

Instead of answering me she looked over toward the door. I turned to look in the same direction and saw a man dressed in hospital scrubs entering the room.

"Mr. Butterfield, I'm Doctor Burnside," he said as he approached and picked up the chart hanging at the end of the bed. Dr. Burnside studied the chart for a minute and then said, "Now what was your question about blood loss?"

"Did I lose a lot of blood?"

The doctor looked puzzled. "You didn't lose any blood," he said. "Why would you think you lost blood?"

"Don't you usually lose blood when you get shot?" I said.

"But you weren't shot," he said.

"What are you talking about?" I said. "My wife shot me."

"No one shot you, Mr. Butterfield," Dr. Burnside said. "You have the flu. My understanding is that your wife saved your life."

"Saved my life? You don't understand," I said. "Megan shot me"

"I wasn't on duty last night when you came in so I don't know all of the details. All I have to go on is your chart and according to that you were brought into the hospital suffering from a high fever and dehydration."

I tried to remember exactly what happened and what the doctor was telling me didn't make sense. Had Megan managed to get the hospital staff to help her cover up her attempt to kill me? I thought that must be it. I began to wonder if I would be allowed to leave the hospital alive.

"Would you like to see your wife now?" the nurse asked. "I think she is in the cafeteria. She has been here all night but she went to get a cup of coffee about ten minutes ago."

I worried that Megan would try to finish me off as soon as she was alone with me but suddenly that didn't make sense to me either. If she wanted me dead why didn't she finish me off at Grandma Jean's house? I tried again to remember everything that happened. I remembered opening the front door and finding Megan standing there. I remembered that she yelled at me but I could no longer remember what she said and then she shot me.

Where was the gun? I never saw a gun. I just heard a bang and then I fell to the floor. The rest of my memories were just a jumble of visions of strange things happening.

"Mr. Butterfield? Would you like me to go find your wife?" The nurse said.

"I guess so," I said. I hoped that things would become clearer to me if I confronted Megan about what happened.

***** Chapter 37 - Why Did You Shoot Me?