Weekly Sessions

Lisa sat back and relaxed a little.

I posed the question, "What have you thought about over the past week, anything interesting?" I chuckled to myself at how neutral that question was.

She nodded. "I saw Mike twice over past week, but Brad and I didn't connect at all. I know he came by the house a couple of times. He left little notes on the back of his business cards that he'd been there."

"And how did you feel about those encounters?"

"Well, I missed Brad. I guess I made up for it by bugging Mike to see me again yesterday. I asked him more about his open marriage too. He told me again about that. I felt kind of strange knowing that his wife Jan was home alone while we made love. I ... well, I doubt I'd want to be in her shoes."

"What do you suppose that feels like?"

"Mike told me she urged him to come to my arms and give me a satisfying evening. Through him, she even sent her love. I haven't seen her in a few months; she's very nice - cute even." I think Lisa forgot that Mike was the person who had recommended my services to Brad and her.

"How will that relationship impact your marriage in the future?"

"Oh, God. I knew you'd ask that question, and I've been thinking about it all week." She paused, and made eye contact; "I don't know for sure. Brad won't like being left alone at home the way Jan tolerates. He'd pout for sure, and it might force things apart ultimately."

"Is that what you want?"

"NO!" she cried. "I want to be married to Brad."

"To have your cake and eat it too?" I teased in an obvious aside.

"I guess so." Lisa smiled at me.

"How would you like Brad to respond?"

Lisa spoke slowly, "I'd want him to send me off the way Jan did Mike; to say 'Go to Mike and have a fabulous evening with him.' To tell me, 'Go fuck his brains out, but come home horny.' I want him to wait for me and be mildly jealous - just enough so that he paid me a lot more attention when I got home. I'd want him to compete for me ... to woo me and want to be my lover again. I want him to get motivated to spend more time with me, and to not bring the office home with him at night or over the weekends."

"Do you feel guilty about your relationship with Mike?"

"Yeah, a little. I didn't think I would at the start, but I am now because it's driven Brad away ... but then he also took himself away because of how he felt about Sarah, and that made me mad at him too." After a pause she said, "We really put this marriage in a death spiral, didn't we?"

"Is it too late?"

"No, I don't think so, but we do have to start over."

"What does that entail?"

"I guess we need to date and fall in love again. I'm willing to try."

"Would you like me to encourage Brad to do that with you? To ask you out on a date?"

"Oh, yes, absolutely. He'll be shy, and probably be a little pissed at me, but could you?"

"I will call him before next week's session and suggest just that."

"Thank you."

I asked, "If you fall in love again with Brad, what will happen to your relationship with Mike?"

"I want to love both of them. I'm sure I can, because I'm almost there now."

I gave her time to think.

Lisa went on after a minute, "We do people a disservice by allowing them to only love one person in the name of exclusivity and monogamy. I know I could love Brad and Mike, and probably others at the same time. My heart would grow, and I would feel so good about it all. I wasn't born with a limited reservoir of love to dole out so that if I gave it to one person, another person would have to suffer that they didn't get it. I have an infinite supply; we all do. It would have to be in the open; however."

I asked, "Does any part of that seem idealistic to you?"

Lisa laughed for the first time in this session. "Yes, all of it, but I still feel that way. I think we're brainwashed by society into thinking that monogamy is the sacred end all of a relationship. That's bullshit, pardon me. If we did it openly, Brad could love me and keep Sarah in his life. I'd have Mike. Maybe Brad and I could both love Jan, or whomever. Sure, we'd have our disagreements and petty arguments, but none of them would be deal-breaking, just like a normal relationship."

"Lisa, what about Brad's infidelity?"

"Part of me wants to say, 'Right, what about it?' No big deal. We both made our affairs a big deal because they became substitutes for what we weren't getting in our marriage and didn't want to fight to get. We were both in denial, and did what we needed to do for ourselves. We should have sat down and talked, and maybe reached the same result, but at least we wouldn't have been pretending the other didn't know what was going on. We were lousy at communicating. We never let the other know how bad things were getting or what our ideas were to fix it."

"And that would be different now?"

"I'm willing to make that the new rule if we both behave that way: no more secret lives."

"How will your own behavior and acts have to change in the future?"

Lisa sighed, "I will go back to trying to work this out with Brad - we'll negotiate more. We'll talk more. I will flirt more with him and be more receptive to our lovemaking. I'll even take the initiative. I'll make myself available for dates, and even suggest them. I'll make sure that Brad knows I'm thinking of him, and that I want to be married to him - that I love him. I do, you know."

"If you continue with Mike, Brad may think of himself as a cuckold. What do you think about that?"

"I ... I don't want to humiliate Brad in any way. I wouldn't tease him about it either. Based on what he said, he is aroused knowing I've been fucking Mike, but I wouldn't lord that over him. I'd use that arousal for our own good. I hope he'd see that?" She paused and added, "I guess you can tell that I don't want to stop seeing Mike."

I nodded. "What do you think the adverse effects of that might be?"

Lisa thought. "Jealousy in all its many facets for one, and that could get bad if I don't manage it with him and with myself. I guess there'd be awkward situations once in a while, for instance if I were out with Mike and someone we knew saw us and Brad wasn't there."

I posed, "Say more about jealousy."

"Well, Brad could easily get jealous of my time and affection for Mike. How severe that got would probably determine the course of both relationships. I'd hope not to get into a situation where I had to choose one over the other. I got jealous of Sarah when I thought about her; she is beautiful and single. I had visions of Brad running away with her, but he kept coming home."

"How would you cope?"

"Boundaries. We'd have to set boundaries and talk about them a lot. How much, how often, and all that. We'd have to pledge to watch for warning signs that we were leaning too far to our lovers and not enough to each other. We'd have to talk about why that was happening too. We'd be having some ugly and dark discussions occasionally, but if we could get through them, I think it would make us stronger."

We explored some more around the day's topics, and then our time was up.

* * * * *

I called Brad as I had promised Lisa. "Brad, Dr. Cole here. I have a brief suggestion I am passing along with Lisa's urging."

"Hi, Doc. What's that?"

"Ask Lisa out on a date. Take her somewhere and be a perfect gentleman. My suggestion is that you don't try to end up in bed, but if that's what happens that's all right too. Just be a jovial, pleasant, and attentive guy."

"She ... she wants this - to date me?"

"Yes, exactly. You mentioned this idea too; otherwise, I wouldn't have closed the loop with you. I think this might start to turn things around. Don't feel pressure to discuss your relationship; just go with the flow of whatever you decide, and have fun."

Brad said with some enthusiasm, "I promise I will. Thank you, Doc."

Week 3

I listened just before I opened the door to my waiting room. I heard both Brad and Lisa laugh, and when I cracked the door, I could hear them having an animated discussion about a new movie. I took this as a good sign.

"Good afternoon, please come in." I welcomed the couple into my inner sanctum.

We greeted each other and everyone sat. I noticed that both Lisa and Brad were smiling. They also didn't move their chairs further apart as they had on their first visit.

I said, "Your smiles are encouraging."

Lisa jumped in, "We had fun last night. We went and saw the new James Bond movie."

Brad jumped in, "The special effects were amazing, and the stunts death-defying."

I nodded, "I take it you had a good time together." I emphasized the word 'together.' The point was not lost on them.

Brad said in a deprecating tone, "I admit to being a schmuck. We should have been doing this all along. Yes, we had fun."

Lisa got serious, "I agree, it was fun, but we still have a long way to go. Both of us do. I liked the Brad I went out with last night. It was the same man I fell in love with years ago."

Brad nodded. He added, "And I'm still in love with Lisa."

I said, "What now?"

"We have another date planned for this evening - really just drinks and dinner, and we'll plan another too."

"So everything's fixed?" I teased.

Both simultaneously said, "No."

Lisa continued, "We need to talk about boundaries. We kept the talk on our date very much in the present. We didn't talk about the past and the problems lurking there at all."

Brad nodded, "Yes, we need to think of where we're going given the past. I sort of understand what the term boundaries means. They're like rules we agree to, right?"

I said, "They're what you make of them - rules, principles to live by, lines we agree not to cross or we have rules about when to cross them. Think of them as things you talk about that define how you think about and act in parts of your world, such as your relationship. The especially deal with how you'll respond to various situations that you anticipated, such as interacting0 with other people."

Brad said, "What about the stuff we can't anticipate?"

I asked, "What might be a good rule in that situation?"

Both were silent for a long time. Lisa broke the silence, "Maybe we agree that if we can we talk to the other person about it first, or if that's not possible we tell them about what we did after the fact."

I suggested, "Give me a hypothetical." I wanted them to get specific about some 'delicate' situation that would make either of them uncomfortable about the other's behavior.

Lisa again started, "OK. Brad's on a business trip and he meets an attractive woman, and they have chemistry together. Their time together leads them to drinks and dinner, and then, surprise to her hotel room - or his. How should Brad behave?"

Brad posed the mirror case study, "Or it's Lisa having drinks, dinner, and inviting a handsome gentleman back to her room. What now?"

I shrugged, "What do you want the rule or standard of behavior to be? I'm not your moral compass here."

Lisa said, "I guess ... under our new marriage contract ... that I'd want Brad to be loving and kind to the woman. I want him to enjoy his time with her, and come home to me horny and even more loving, and willing to talk about it - about her."

I turned and said, "Brad?"

"I'm aroused just thinking of Lisa being in that situation. I'm having a little trouble with the double standard here, but I guess I'd have to agree with her boundary. They could have sex."

I picked at Brad because it was an important point, "You say 'Theycould have sex' as though you are allowing that to happen. Are you slipping into a parental role?"

Brad shook his head. "Yes, but I didn't mean to. To be off the hook, I should say something like 'Lisa should make her own decision about what happens next.'"

Lisa probed, "But you'd like to be controlling if you could, right?"

"I'm trying not to be, Honey. I know I can't own you, and that you are more than ever your own person. This change over the past decade or so has been something that's shocked me in some ways. You're so independent and strong."

Lisa laughed, "You made me that way."

"Huh?"

"When you decided to go hard over and spend all that time on your career, I was left wondering what to do. I became the most independent person that you can imagine."

"Oh." Brad sounded dejected.

I asked of Lisa, "Is there a good side to that?"

Lisa smiled, "Yes. I'm not the little woman - submissive, and awaiting my husband's direction on every little thing. I also make a handsome salary and bonus where I work because I am assertive and exceptionally good at what I do. I think for myself, although I guess that means I'm apt to make some decisions and do things that Brad won't agree with." She looked at Brad for validation and to see his reaction.

I turned to Brad, "Is that the kind of wife you want?"

Brad slowly nodded, "Yes, it is - definitely. I wouldn't know what to do with someone who wanted me to be a dominant. I'd probably try, but fail in the long run. I'll have my own opinions about things, but I know they're not necessarily the right things to do. I know a good marriage these days is built on compromise and collaboration, and not control. I hope Lisa feels that way."

Lisa nodded and said, "Oh, I agree, but as we start anew, I've got my territory carved out - areas on the home front where I've been making decisions and managing; quite well, if I say so. As you come on this scene, we'll hit some friction points."

Brad said, "Let me know where they are. I'll try not to step on your toes."

I asked, "So where else do you think you should have boundaries?" I knew my own list of what I thought they needed to talk about, but I wanted to see whether they had enough sense to get there on their own.

The rest of the hour we talked about two topics. The first was getting their family financial situation under control. The second area built on the scenarios the couple had created earlier: sex with others and the commitment to each other. After some discussion, I posed a question for the couple to think about over the week, "What does commitment to each other and your marriage look like, and how is that different from what you've been doing?"

Week 4

"Welcome back, it's good to see you both again."

After we were seated, I started, "So did you think about my last question to you?" I glanced down at my notes.

Lisa began, "Yes, it's hard, partly because it's loaded with so many stereotypes and mimes from society and the churches."

Brad nodded his head in agreement. He explained, "We went on two dates since we saw you last and actually talked about your question both times. This is deep, and complicated, and we're still working on it."

I asked, "Did you consider that some of what you each said was wrong or right?"

Lisa laughed, "You mean judging each other as wrong or right. That's where we got on the idea about challenging all the stuff that we learn somehow. One of us would posit something, and the other would ask, 'Where'd you get that idea?' We realized we just accept a whole lot of shit and have never analyzed what we believe or how we came to believe it. We've been brainwashed."

I asked, "How's that?" I found myself pleasantly surprised at what the two had said. I liked the level of critical thinking they were injecting into their relationship.

Brad said, "Well, our boundary discussions led us to a discussion about loving more than one person, and how that would work. You got us started with our scenarios and talk last week. We decided we can love more than one person without taking the psychic energy away from another person we love."

Lisa said, "We also talked about many options for what that love might look like - and I mean to include adult romantic love with sex involved."

Brad said, "One point we talked about earlier, I'm more comfortable with the idea that Lisa could have a loving relationship with Mike and not destroy our marriage. We even talked how we'd benefit from that arrangement. By the way, we're seeing them socially on the weekend. It'll be another one of our dates, but the first where we've seen other people."

I asked, "Are you still living apart?"

Lisa checked in with Brad, "Yes, but I'm hoping he'll change his mind and move home really soon. I miss him next to me and around me. I want my lover and best friend back."

Brad volunteered, "I feel this being apart has been good for us. It's been a kick in the head to get me back trying to be a good husband to Lisa."

Lisa gave him a longing look, and I could tell she was over the hurdle about keeping the relationship going.

I asked, "So, Lisa, how would you feel if Brad continued to see Sarah?"

"Yes. We talked about that. I even encouraged him to see her this week, and I say that with all that implies about the two of them getting together sexually. And before you ask, I'm not feeling put upon or that I'm doing penance of some kind because I saw Mike. The two of them seeing each other would just be another beautiful experience for them - for Brad, and for my friend."

"So what about commitment in your marriage?"

Brad started slowly, "I'm not sure you commit to marriage as much as you do to another person, and when you do you're actually committing to a social contract with that person. That contract sets forth the boundaries you talked about - and we should talk more about those, and all sorts of other things, such as how to pull things back on track or how to end things."

Lisa nodded, and I guessed this had been a topic of their conversation. She said, "I commit to loving Brad, and being tolerant of his moods and how he gets all wrapped up in his business. By doing this explicitly I think it'll take the edge off my anger at being ignored when he's in that space. I also commit to supporting his relationship with Sarah, or other women, but not if it starts to humiliate me in some way or impairs our relationship."

Brad said to me, "I told Lisa I feel the same way about her. I will be her home base and her protector when some other area of her life goes awry, including a relationship with another person. I will wrap her in my love as best I can in my own way. I also will allow her to kick me in the head occasionally to wake me up to the fact that I've slipped back into my old ways of acting towards her."

I posed, "And you're both happy with this?"

They both responded, "Yes. Very happy."

I edged in with another question, "So does Trust play a role in any of this?"

A long silence prevailed.

Brad said, "Do you mean, can I trust Lisa to stick by our contract and our boundaries?"

I nodded. His interpretation of my question was as good as any.

Lisa looked uncomfortable.

I stepped in, "What is trust to the two of you? Does it involve fidelity?"

Lisa said, "I guess we have a strange way of thinking about fidelity if we're going to allow each other to love other people."

Brad quickly said, "But that's OK with me - with us. I admit I'll be uncomfortable occasionally, but that'll give us a platform to talk about my feelings and her feelings too."

Lisa turned to me, "Are we crazy? Do you think we're going off the deep end thinking this way?"

I gave her a frank answer based on my own feelings. "Trust to me is a judgment call; it's not an absolute, black or white situation. You can decide to trust someone just as you would decide to be sad or happy over a particular situation. Even if someone has done something that disrupted your trust in them, you can move right back to trusting them again - if you choose."

Lisa said, "So I should go back to trusting that Brad won't be running around behind my back having other affairs, and he'll be doing the same for me?"

I chuckled, "If that's how you want to think. You and only you have to decide, just the way you opt to be happy or sad over some situation - or somewhere between."