What Was I Thinking?

I didn't like it, but what could I do. I had brought this all upon myself with my affair with Brian.

What was I thinking?

Part IV Over the next 4 weeks we fell into a consistent pattern. Bill and I never had sex on Tuesdays and Thursdays because those days he was with Jennifer. He never threw it in my face that he was still seeing her, but on a few of those days I went to the Castle Motel and his car was there. Also, on those days he would show absolutely no interest in making love with me.

Many of the other days we would have sex. I honestly cannot think of it as making love because it wasn't that. Something had changed in Bill and I didn't feel the connection with him that we used to have. I imagined how he must have felt on the days I thought we were making love and he knew about me and Brian. I imagined he felt too it was sex. Oh, what had I done to our marriage?

For those 4 weeks I endured all of the pain and feelings of hurt and anger that his affair with Jennifer brought about. I knew I had no choice. Sometimes I was so angry with him I just wanted to choke him. Other times I just felt like giving up and walking out the door. I had no idea that an affair would hurt that bad. If I had known I guarantee you I never would have done it to him.

What was I thinking?

When Bill left for work on Friday morning he informed me that he would not be home that night. He told me that he would be home before Saturday afternoon and that he wanted to take me out to dinner to celebrate my 40th birthday on Saturday night. I was so upset about him not coming home but there wasn't much I could do about it so I agreed that he could take me out to dinner on Saturday night.

Friday night I watched television until midnight, but I didn't really get much out of it. About half the time I was sniffing and snuffling with feeling sorry for myself. The rest of the time I was angry at him and at me. Finally when I heard the clock strike twelve I forced myself to go up to bed. I laid awake for a long time crying and eventually fell asleep.

Bill got home before noon as he had promised and spent the better part of the afternoon working on a few projects around the house. I asked him if we could talk and he refused. He said, "We can talk tonight at dinner."

At 6:30 p.m. we both were ready to go out to eat and he took me to my favorite restaurant for Italian food. After we had finished eating Bill took my hands in his and said, "Now I want to talk to you about my affair. It is over. I will not be seeing Jennifer again except at work and there will not be any intimacy with her ever again."

"I just wanted you to know that it did not go on even one day longer than your affair with Brian," he continued, "and I know exactly when you stopped seeing Brian intimately."

"I hope you now understand what it does to someone who loves you when you cheat on them," he stated. "I hope you understand how it tore my heart out when I found out about you and him, and how it affected our marriage."

I was crying softly, "Oh Bill, I do understand. My heart is breaking too now at what this has done to us. I hope you can forgive me."

Bill reached into his pocket and pulled out a long velvet box. He said, "I have loved you for 15 years Kathy, and they were very good years. I want you to have this necklace as my special gift to you for that love and for your birthday."

He took a beautiful diamond necklace out of the box and asked me if he could put it on me.

I said, "Of course. I love it, thank you."

Part V When he sat down his look turned very serious. "Kathy, I do forgive you," he said, "but I know how you felt the last 4 weeks because it is the way I felt for the 4 weeks I knew you were having the affair with Brian."

He paused a moment, then sighed and said, "I am really sorry, but I am leaving you. I loved you with all of my heart, but now I don't. You have to feel that too when we were intimate we were just having sex, not making love. Your affair destroyed some of the love I had for you. I know that my affair with Jennifer had to have done the same to you," he continued.

"I will always love you Kathy," he said, "But I cannot be in a marriage where it isn't 100% and I know it isn't any longer. You can't want to be in a marriage either where it isn't 100% and you know it no longer is."

I cried, "No Bill, please don't say that, please don't leave me."

But in my heart I knew he was right. I knew that my love for him had decreased when I knew he was seeing Jennifer. I knew there was a wedge between us now that never should have been allowed in there at all. I knew the marriage we had had was over.

Part VI We separated that weekend. Bill moved into an apartment and I was able to stay in the house. I got a job working in the same industry I had been in and I was able to afford the house and the car and the clothes I needed.

We had agreed that we would stay in touch so Bill and I talked on the phone a couple of times a week and I would see him around once in a while. We even had dinner together once a month or so. When we were together we asked how each other was doing, we talked about our jobs, about his apartment and my house. When we parted he always kissed me on the cheek and I him. As he walked away the heartache I felt was all but unbearable and each time he would stop and turn to look at me and I could see the heartache in his eyes.

Our divorce was final at the end of six months and I spent the day alone in the house crying.

It has been a year since our divorce and I have never dated anyone. Once in a while I will go out with some friends of mine for a drink or to a party, but not very often.

I have been told that Bill never dates either and is only seen out with his friends on rare occasions.

It seems that neither of us is very happy anymore. Sad to say but the destruction of our marriage and our happiness is one of the consequences of both of our affairs. He finished it off with his affair, but I had started it all with mine.

What was I thinking?