When It's Love

I drove quickly home, packed up my tent and camping gear and left. I stopped at the supermarket and stocked my coolers with food and drinks, filled them with ice and I was on my way.

One of my favorite places on the planet was the Pusch Ridge Wilderness. I hadn't been in half the places I wanted to go there, and I was going to immerse myself in the wilderness, get my head right and think about what I was going to do.

I figured I should let Dad and Mom know I was safe and going to be out of touch, so I texted them before I drove out of signal range.

Dad texted me back. "Okay, have fun."

I pulled into the parking area, found a good place for my camp about a quarter mile away and found a ranger to let him know where I was camping. I got my tent set up and the area the way I wanted it, built me a little fire and sipped at the tequila I'd bought at the store.

A million thoughts buzzed through my brain. Was what I saw something Donovan commonly did at those things? Did she do more? Was it some sort of escort shit? What I had seen didn't pass my girlfriend test, but what else did she do? That certainly crossed my mind. When she told me she was staying at her dad's place after an event, was she really staying at her dad's place, or was that a convenient lie to keep me clueless?

I had no idea, and the only way to find out was ask her, but would she lie? I didn't think she ever lied to me, and the Donovan I knew didn't seem to have a lie in her, but I never dreamed I'd see her grinding on some dude's leg, either. I was at sea without a compass. I was feeling the tequila, and I fell into an uneasy sleep, nightmares of Donovan doing shit and hiding it from me.

I was a little hung over in the morning, but breakfast and some ibuprofen soon cured that. I put together my pack and started down the trail. It was beautiful. It was high enough to be cool, and when I dropped off into a canyon, it was hot enough that when I jumped into the stream, that felt great, too. I dug out my Wilderness Wash and bathed in the stream.

That night was a repeat of the night before, and I felt no more clarity about anything than I had the previous night.

I hiked up toward Mt. Lemmon the next day, climbed a rock face and kept my mind occupied. It was nearly dark when I got back, and as I stepped into the little clearing, there was Donovan, sitting on a rock, her face in her hands, slumped over and it looked like she was crying. Shit.

I must have made some noise, because she looked up and saw me. She sprang to her feet and ran across the camp, throwing herself on me and nearly knocking me down. "Damn you, Shaw," she yelled in my face, then hugged me like an anaconda before yelling at me again.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? You don't get to just run off like that! You don't get to just throw me away!" She beat on my chest with her little fists. "I... I needed to talk... why did you do that?"

"How did you find me?" I asked.

"Your dad told me you were up here," she yelled. "I was scared, and I made him tell me. When I got here the ranger told me where you were, except you weren't here." She burst out sobbing and clung to me again, burying her face in my chest. "Where were you?"

"I was out hiking," I said. "I didn't want to see you, Donovan, that's why I came here."

"Fuck that," she yelled. "I needed to see you! Why didn't you..."

"Donovan, stop," I said. "Stop yelling. Let me get a fire started. I'm hungry. Have you eaten?"

She clung to me for another minute, getting herself under control. "No, and I'm not hungry. I haven't been able to eat for two days. Why did you..."

"Stop," I said. "I'm not going to get into this until you're under control and can talk like a rational person. Now, I'm going to cook something to eat, you're going to eat it with me, we'll have a drink, sit by the fire and talk. Okay?"

She sniffed, wiped her eyes, and nodded, all that mane of hair bobbing. "Okay."

I fried bacon and we had scrambled eggs and bacon. She picked at her food, at first, then she ate it ravenously and cooked herself two more eggs and some more bacon.

"I guess I was hungrier than I thought," she said.

"I can imagine if you haven't eaten for two days," I said.

"I couldn't eat," she said. "I felt sick at my stomach, all the time."

I didn't know what to say to that, so I held my peace. "Well, I didn't plan for two," I said. "I'll run out of food pretty quickly."

"I'll get more," she said.

We finished eating and I got out the tequila bottle and poured her a couple of fingers in a tin cup, pouring myself some, too. There was a big flat rock by the fire, and I went and sat on it. She came to stand in front of me. "Scoot back," she said.

I did, she spread my legs and sat between them, leaning back on me and we stared into the dancing flames for a minute in silence.

It was awkward, and I started. "Donovan..."

"Let me talk," she said. "Then you can go, okay?"

"Okay," I said. "Don't feed me any bullshit, Donovan. I'm not in the mood for it."

"I won't," she said. "First, I want to tell you, Shaw. I have never been with anyone besides you since the first day I met you." She leaned back and looked up at me. "Do you believe me?"

She felt my hesitation, and her eyes filled with tears. "You don't, do you?"

"I'm not saying I don't believe you," I said. "I didn't say that. Let's just say that I believe you, provisionally, okay?"

"What does that mean?" There was some heat in her voice.

"It means I accept what you said and I want to hear what else you say," I told her. "Whatever else you say might cause me to go back and say I don't believe you, or it might make me go back and say I absolutely believe you."

"If you're not going to believe me, I don't guess I have anything to say," she said bitterly. "What would be the use?"

"That's up to you," I said.

She stood up and walked to the edge of the circle of firelight, then stopped and looked back. "I'm sorry, Shaw. I love you and I thought you were the one. I can't be with someone who doesn't trust me."

"I trusted you," I said. "You're the one who created the doubt."

She bowed her head, seemingly in defeat, and disappeared into the gathering darkness.

I stayed in the wilderness five days, then went home. I could tell she was gone right away. The little things she had, pictures, little lacey cloth things, the chargers she always left in plug-ins all over the house, were gone. Her clothes, all her books and papers, the cosmetics that were always all over the vanities and dresser tops, all gone.

Christ, it was depressing. You can't be with someone for two years and not feel like a chunk of you is missing when they're gone. I didn't feel it was my fault, but that didn't make the house any less lonely. I had been willing to listen to her, but I couldn't just operate on blind faith when I had other evidence telling me that things were different than I had thought they were.

I existed in a sort of limbo. I did all the things I did before she dropped into my life like a bomb, but they seemed a little hollow. It was like my world had been in living color, and suddenly, everything was shades of grey.

I would see something, hear something, do something and think Donovan would get a kick out of it. Then I'd realize there was no Donovan. It was depressing as hell. The only thing that kept me sane was school, my family and Tobin. I had always been close to my little sister, and we became even closer.

She hung out with me constantly. I knew she was close friends with Donovan, but she never mentioned a word. I could tell Dad was disappointed the way things turned out, and Mom was much more direct. "Shaw, you're an idiot," she told me about a week after Donovan was gone.

"No doubt, but is there some particular idiocy you have in mind?" I asked.

"That girl loves you," she said. "I had lunch with her, Shaw. It isn't what you think, but she's not going to beg. That's not in her. You're letting something that is a deal, but not a big deal, destroy something beautiful in your life. You need to fix this."

"Why is it me who needs to fix it?" I asked. "I didn't break it."

"I'm not saying you're to blame, or at least mostly to blame," she said. "What I'm telling you is that it's worth fixing, even if you have to take the first step."

"I know you want the best for me, Mom," I told her.

"Yes, I do. I won't mention this again."

I got that paid internship I had been hoping for with Honeywell. It wasn't like huge money, but it was more than I'd ever had and they liked me. In six months, I had a job offer when I got my masters.

We went to the same school and in the same buildings, so I occasionally saw Donovan, mostly at a distance. If she noticed me, she'd wave, and I always gave her a smile and a thumbs up.

Mom and Tobin let me know, very low key, that Donovan was no longer working for her father doing the hostess thing. She was doing an internship with NuvOx, working on some specialized oxygen delivery system. Good for her. I was proud of her.

We didn't talk, but I did see her around. Every time I did, I realized how much I missed her and it felt like I was in a constant state of pain. It had been 18 months, and the first time we actually spoke was at hooding. There were just over 100 of us getting our hoods in engineering, and I was sitting in my chair when someone sat beside me.

I turned and it was Donovan. God, she still took my breath away. If anything, she was even more spectacular than the day we met. She shot me a flashing smile.

"Hi, Shaw. Congratulations. You did it."

"So did you. Thanks, and congratulations to you. That internship turning into a job offer?"

"They did offer me a job," she said. "I turned them down. Protein Technologies made me a better offer and it's a much more challenging field. What about you?"

"Sticking with Honeywell," I said.

The ceremony got started and we couldn't talk anymore. I left afterward, and didn't see her again until commencement. She came and sat by me again. This one was long as fuck, equally boring, but we were both back in our chairs when it ended.

Mom, Dad and Tobin all were there, and they swarmed both of us, offering their congratulations. Dad insisted he was taking us all out to dinner. Donovan gave me an inquisitive arched eyebrow. I nodded as unobtrusively as I could.

We had a great time, got a little smashed going through three bottles of wine between us, and Donovan said she needed to get going. "I need to walk a little before I drive," she said. "Shaw, come with?"

I, too, was not quite ready to drive, so I agreed. We were close to the campus, and we walked down there. We strolled along together and it was awkward. We made a few inane comments and she stopped at the fountain and sat down on a bench, patting the seat beside her.

I sat down, nervously.

She laughed. "Feeling a little trepidation there, big boy?"

I chuckled. "Yeah, a little, I guess."

"I won't eat you," she said.

I looked at her dubiously. "Are you sure?"

"I'd like to," she said. "I have a feeling you'd be a pretty tough bite to chew, at the moment."

"That's a metaphor?" I asked.

She nodded. "Yeah. Christ, you're a stubborn man, Shaw."

I chuckled. "Yeah, so I hear. Is there any particular stubbornness you have in mind, or just a general indictment of my character?"

She smiled. "Both. Do you miss me, Shaw?"

"Every damn day," I said.

"I miss you," she said. "Jesus, Shaw, You're my best friend. We were friends before... you know. You were my best friend. We hung out, constantly. I miss my friend. Do you not?"

"I do," I assured her.

"Then why the fuck haven't you called me, made the slightest effort to talk to me?"

"I could ask you the same," I said.

"Shaw, I tried. I hunted you down, tried to throw myself at your feet. It ended badly, and I was embarrassed to call you, try to talk to you."

"Okay, can you tell me why you were embarrassed?" I asked.

"Well, I felt like I let you down, let myself down. I know I... hid some things from you."

"Like what you did at those university functions?"

"Yes." An awkward silence ensued.

"I wonder if you understand my feelings when I walked in and..."

"I'd like to talk about that, but there's a little bit of an issue," she said.

"Okay, what's the issue?"

"Do you think I'm going to lie to you?" she asked. "Do you really believe that? Look at me, Shaw."

I turned a little sideways and looked into those huge brown eyes. There were tears swimming in them, the setting sun turning them to a honey gold. I knew she wouldn't lie.

"It's not that I think you will tell me a direct lie," I said. "I have a little history here, though. Will you omit things, things that might not leave you in a flattering light? You did that, Donovan. I never had a single doubt about you. I never would have. I have to tell you, I wasn't totally honest with you, or even myself."

I told her about the conversation I'd had with my coworker.

"Oh, my God. Why didn't you say something?"

"Well, it seemed paranoid. I was embarrassed, I thought it would piss you off, and I kind of felt like you would be right to be pissed off, so when I saw you forgot your phone, I used it as an excuse to go. I didn't expect to find..."

I didn't finish the thought, and she sat there for a minute, obviously thinking about what to say. I had another thought.

"When you ask if I think you'll lie to me, no, I don't think you will. My problem is, I never doubted you for a second, but I never had any idea about what your role was at those 'events,' and you never told me. It wasn't exactly a lie, but it wasn't exactly the truth, either. I still don't really know."

She bit her lip and I could see her hands trembling as she wrung them together. She sighed. "I won't omit anything. I won't lie. I'll tell you everything. Do you want to do this here?"

"What would you suggest?" I asked.

"Shaw, I want my best friend back," she said. "Whether we're lovers or not will happen, or it won't. Can we hang out like we used to? I want to come to our... your house, just hang out and talk to you, be with you. I want to tell you everything, but I'd like for it to be in an organic setting. Can I come over tomorrow and bring dinner?"

"Yeah, that works for me," I said. "Donovan..."

"What?" She looked up at me.

"I just wanted you to know that I have missed you. I've been thinking that I've been a fool. I'd do anything to have you, ignore all sorts of shit, move to a shack in the wilderness. I love you."

She was in my lap in a flash, lips locked to mine, her arms around me like twin pythons. "Noo, Shaw. You shouldn't feel that way. I would do those things to be with you. I know that now, but I need to clear this up: make it right."

"Let's do that," I said. She pulled me up and I walked her to her car. I opened her door and she turned and looked up at me from under those incredibly long and thick lashes.

"Shaw, can I have my key back?"

I laughed, pulled my keys out of my pocket and gave her the house key. "Remember the security code?"

"I do," she said. "I'll see you tomorrow evening."

She stood on tip-toe, gave me a quick kiss and she was gone.

When I got off work, I stopped and bought her favorite cabernet, picked up a cheesecake and a yellow rose. Her car was in the driveway and the smell of something cooking filled the house. It smelled delicious, garlic and oregano making quite the aroma.

I walked in and put away my bag, then went into the kitchen. I knew she was aware I was there; she'd have heard me disarming the security system, but she was busy. She took my breath away. She had on a little yellow dress, her hair was up in a messy bun, exposing her graceful neck and her shoulders were bare. The dress barely covered that fantastic ass, and she had on strappy platform sandals, a mile of gorgeous leg on display.

I eased up behind her, wrapping her in my arms, kissing the side of her neck, bringing the rose I had up to slide it against her cheek. She looked up and back, a little shyly, gave me a tenuous smile. "Hi, Shaw. The rose is beautiful. Dinner will be ready in 30. Do you needa clean up?"

"Hi, gorgeous," I said. "Yeah, let me grab a quick shower. Smells delicious, by the way." I squeezed her and went to clean up.

Dinner was as delicious as it smelled, but a little awkward. We talked inanities and when we were finished, I cleaned up while she poured wine and took our glasses in to the sofa.

I sat beside her and she snuggled in against me. I put my arm around her, feeling the warmth of her skin under my fingers like hot silk.

She sighed. "Shaw, this feels so good. God, I have missed this. Just being able to touch you, talk to you, knowing that you want to..."

"Me too," I said. "I've always wanted this. I've been fucking miserable, Donovan."

"So have I. The only question is, are we going to stay miserable?"

"I'm open to suggestions to avoid that," I said.

"Do you have any suggestions?" she asked.

"Maybe. Do you?"

"Yes. I'm going to tell you everything. You might not like some of it."

I put my feet up on the ottoman and she leaned back, resting her head on my arm behind her and putting her legs up on mine. I remembered this was one of her favorite things to do.

"Shoot," I said.

"First, I need to tell you that I'm not going to lie or conceal anything, okay?"

I nodded. "I believe you."

"Okay. Shaw, when I was like 18, I started being the hostess at university fund-raisers where Dad was the administrator. The university needed donations from alumni, you know that, right?"

"I don't know much about it," I said. "I know things like that happen, obviously, but I have no idea how much of a university's budget comes from tuition, public funding and shit like that, and how much comes from donations."

"Seven percent of the university budget comes from donations," she said. "That doesn't sound like much, but it's a 2.3-billion-dollar budget."

"Wow, I had no idea."

"Most people don't. So anyway, fund-raising is a big deal."

"I understand."

"My job was to make sure the fund-raisers went smoothly. I tried to talk people into writing checks."

"It didn't seem to me like 'talking' was what you were doing," I said.

"No, it wasn't. I swear to you, Shaw, dancing was all I ever did. Okay, it was kinda dirty dancing, and... God, this is humiliating, I kinda led some of the donors to believe there was a possibility of more. It makes me feel like a hoe, telling you this, but I swear, it was never going to happen. There is no one else for me. There was no possibility it was ever going to be more than an impression."

"Well, it's sorta... unsavory, you have to admit, Donovan."

"Yes, it is. I never really thought about it, Shaw, I swear, until I looked up and saw the expression on your face."

"Now I'm going to have to doubt what you're saying. I don't think you're being honest with me. If you never thought about it, why would you let me believe you were just overseeing the wait staff?"

She sighed. "I'm not being dishonest with you." She was silent for a minute. "I guess I was being dishonest with myself. I didn't tell you because I was lying to myself, telling myself I was doing a good thing, helping my father, bringing in money for the university. I guess I knew it was sketchy, so I hid it from myself, and you."

I nodded. "Yes, I understand. I try to hide my faults from people, including myself."

"I quit doing it that night, Shaw. I'm not very proud of myself that I ever went beyond 'overseeing the wait staff,' as you put it."

"When that dude you worked with told you that story, why didn't you confront me, have it out with me?" she asked.

"That's easy," I said. "I'm in love with you, Donovan. I told myself I was being paranoid, nuts, you couldn't possibly do anything wrong in my eyes. God, you were perfect. I wanted to punch that guy in the mouth for even making me think you might be doing shady shit."