Why Can't I Be Loved

At the end of the day, I still enjoyed myself. The food was the best I'd ever had. It was almost ten o'clock by the time we left. Serena gave me another kiss on the cheek and thanked me again for her present as she and her mother walked Stan and me out to his car.

On the ride back, things were pretty quiet for the first twenty minutes, then Stan broke the silence. "I didn't realize you had those kinds of feelings for Serena."

"Oh, we're just friends, Stan."

"Don't try and BS me, Carter. You don't give a gift like that to a friend. You have strong feelings for her. If you won't admit it to me, at least admit it to yourself."

I felt like saying, I already did that, and look where it got me, but instead, I just kept quiet.

"You going to call her?"

"No, I'm not going to bother her. She's with that Dan guy."

"Yeah, I had no idea she even had a boyfriend. I don't know what his story is, but I doubt if Serena is very serious about him. I think she paid more attention to you today than she did him."

"That's only because of the necklace, Stan."

"Don't give up, Carter. Serena can be a handful, and that Dan character didn't impress me. He's no match for her."

Again, I didn't say anything but I was thinking, if a tall good-looking college guy is no match for her, what the hell chance did I have? I looked out the side window at the beautiful countryside and wondered if Dan was spending the night in Serena's bed.

By the time I climbed into my own bed that night, I had reaffirmed in my mind what I'd known since I was eight or nine years old... there was something wrong with me, something that made me unlovable, and I would live out my life alone. After all that time you wouldn't think it would bother me anymore. I had accepted the premise a long time ago, and thought I'd put away any feelings of self-pity, but I awoke the next morning with dried up tear tracks down my face.

Determined to stop feeling sorry for myself, I went downstairs to start my day. I had some breakfast before getting my shoe-shine booth ready. I was just finishing with a customer when I looked up and saw Cathy coming in about twenty minutes early. She came right over and bent down close to my ear. "Why don't you close for a few minutes after this guy. I want to hear all about yesterday. I'll get us some coffee and wait in the booth over there."

The last thing I wanted to do was talk about it, but there was one question I wanted to ask, so I put a 'back in 10 minutes' sign up and joined her. "So-how did it go?" She asked with a big grin.

"It didn't."

She lost her big grin. "What do you mean? What happened? You can't tell me she didn't like the present."

"Oh, she liked it okay. It was her boyfriend who wasn't too crazy about it."

First, she was smiling, then frowning, and lastly, she looked shocked. "Boyfriend!"

"Yeah, she met him at college, they're spending the holidays together at her place."

"Oh, my God, Carter, I'm so sorry. How terrible that had to be for you. I never even gave that a thought."

"I want to ask you a question, Cathy, and I would really appreciate the truth."

"Of course."

"She never had any feelings for me, did she? All that BS you gave me was for what, to boost my self-confidence? I admit, you had me going for a while, but I should have known better."

She almost looked angry. "Carter, she does have feelings for you, I know it. She probably didn't think her feelings were reciprocated. I..."

I held up my hand to stop her. I'd just had it. "Look, Cathy, I know you're trying to help and I do appreciate everything you've done for me, I really mean that. Hell, you gave me a night I'll remember for the rest of my life, but please, no more. I know what my future is and believe me, I'm not worth your time or trouble."

I heard her call my name as I slipped out of the booth, but I was done. Sometimes you just have to accept life as it is and play the hand you were dealt, that's what I intended to do.

Things were pretty quiet for the next couple of days. Cathy was friendly and gave me a smile from time to time, but she kept her distance, which was exactly what I was looking for. I just wanted to be left alone.

I was just finishing up with a shine when Stan came out from the kitchen. That was unusual and he seemed a little aggravated. "Come back and see me in the kitchen when done here, Carter." I couldn't for the life of me think of what I did wrong, but I finished with my customer and went back to face the music.

He washed his hands as soon as he saw me and we walked back to a small table in the corner where he'd sometimes rest a little when things got slow. "Sit down, Carter, I want to talk to you. Where's your phone?"

"Ah, it's upstairs."

"You haven't even taken it out of the box yet, have you?"

"Well, no, not yet. I mean the only person that has the number is Serena, and I'm sure she's busy with Dan."

"I'm sure I told you before, I never get involved in Serena's private life unless I'm invited to, which is extremely seldom, but damn it, Carter, I thought you had more sense than that."

I'm sure my mouth was hanging open as I sat there. I had no idea what he was talking about.

"Go get it and bring it down here."

I was about to ask why, but thought better of it and just went up and got the phone. Stan took it from me, turned it on then handed it back to me before texting something on his own phone. A few seconds later mine rang.

"Answer it," demanded Stan, then he stood up and walked back over to the grill and started cooking again.

I answered and heard an angry Serena on the other end.

"Why haven't you been answering my calls? I bought that phone for you so we could talk."

"I... I know, but I didn't think you'd want to talk with Dan there. I..."

"I knew it," she said angrily and cutting me off. "I don't want to talk about this over the phone. I'm coming out for lunch tomorrow... please be there," and she hung up.

What was she so mad about? I had no idea. As I stood up to walk back out to the front, Stan asked if we got everything straightened out. When I told him she was coming tomorrow for lunch, he just showed his approval with a nod of his head and said "Good."

I didn't get much sleep that night. I couldn't turn off my brain. I kept wondering what lunch was going to be like. I knew she was pissed off about not answering her calls, but it seemed to be more complicated than that.

The next day I had just started shining a pair of three-hundred-dollar, ox-blood wing tips when I saw Serena come in and sit in Cathy's section. I waited until I caught her eye then waved to let her know I'd join her as soon as I could.

When Cathy came over with coffee, she stopped while they talked for a couple of minutes. I strained trying to eavesdrop, but the only words I caught were "boyfriend," and "frustrating." When I was done, mister wingtip gave me a twenty and told me to keep the change. It was the best tip so far. Business was picking up, too. Of course, I had to attribute most of that to the sloppy weather, but it still had me thinking about trying to squeeze another chair into my small corner.

I looked over and saw Serena waiting for me. There was no sense in procrastinating. Sooner or later, I had to face the music. I sheepishly walked over and said "Hi," as I sat down. She looked and me and sighed like she was going to give me bad news. I figured as much and tried all night to prepare.

"First, before we get started, I want to thank you again for this," she said, lifting her necklace and holding it up so I could see it. "Outside of the car Dad gave me when I graduated high school, this is the nicest present anyone has ever given me. I haven't taken it off except to shower."

"Serena, it's..."

"Stop," she said. "I'll give you a chance to talk when I'm done, but I drove forty-five minutes to be here, so this is my show; for now, I talk, you listen.

"First of all, you have no right to be jealous over Dan."

"I know, I..."

"Damn it, Carter, shut up. You have no right because all last summer I made this trip two and three times a week to be with you and you never once showed the slightest interest in me. Jesus, I dropped hints, I flirted, I batted my eyelashes, I did everything I could think of to let you know I was interested, but you never reciprocated, not even a little bit. I thought about just attacking you or at least just coming out and telling you how I felt, but I'm a girl. I want the man to make the first move, not to mention, with your background, I was afraid I might scare you away.

"Do you remember the first time we met?"

I chuckled. "How could I forget?"

"Well, I came out to spend some time with Dad. He told me about this new guy he'd just hired. He told me he could tell you'd had a hard life, but that it had taught you the meaning of hard work, independence and integrity. My dad's an excellent judge of character, so I decided I wanted to get to know you. The more time we spent together, the more I liked you. I can't tell you how disappointed I was when I left for college. I'd spent a good part of the summer with you, and not once did you even try to kiss me, so yeah, when I met Dan, we hooked up. He's smart, good-looking, and he lives in South Barrington Hills, less than half an hour from me."

This was all so confusing, I didn't know if I was coming or going. It was starting to sound like Cathy was right all along. "Can... can I talk now?" I asked, self-consciously.

"No, not yet, I'm not done. Carter, I can't even imagine the life you've lived. I know it's left scars, emotionally, I mean, although I wouldn't doubt you have some of the other kind as well.

"Carter, from the time we've spent together, I know my dad's right about you, but you've got to let go of the past. It's like your prison and it's holding you back. Let it go, please."

At that moment, I realized Cathy WAS right all along; Serena did have feelings for me. I could tell, not by just her words, but by the emotions behind them... and the tears in her eyes. I was completely lost. I had no idea what to say. I had no idea what it was to love someone, all I knew was that I couldn't imagine my life without the person sitting in front of me. It was scary and magnificent at the same time. I finally said the only words that came to mind.

"I'm sorry. I... I honestly had no idea you really liked me that way. I thought you were just being nice because I worked for your dad. Cathy said you had feelings for me, but you'd left already by that time. When your dad invited me to Christmas dinner, I knew I had a second chance and was hoping my present would show you how much I care, but I lost that hope when you said Dan was your boyfriend. I figured he's a college guy. He'll probably make millions someday. I'm just a dishwasher."

She picked a napkin up from the table and wiped her eyes. "Carter, you're probably the nicest guy I've ever known, next to my dad, of course. With your childhood, no one could fault you for being a bitter hateful person, but you're not. As long as I've known you, I've never heard you say a bad word about anyone. You're smart, you're honest, loyal... you're the whole package, almost..."

"Almost?"

"You lack self-confidence—bigtime. Like I said, with your past, it's understandable but you need to realize your own capabilities. Look at you, you're eighteen years old and already a successful entrepreneur..."

"Entre... " I had no idea what she just called me. "What's an entrepren... whatever you said?"

"It's someone who makes their own way in the world. With just five dollars, you started your own business, Carter. You saw an opportunity and took it. I wonder how many hundreds of people walked by that shoeshine box before you bought it and turned it into a successful enterprise. My dad believes you're capable of doing just about anything you set your mind on; so do I.

"Now, I'm guessing that lack of confidence is also the reason you've never made a pass at me. You once told me you thought you were destined to live alone for the rest of your life... why?"

I'd never told anyone about my feelings of being unlovable, and was really struggling with telling Serena but she was being so honest and upfront, I knew I had to do the same. "When I was eight or nine, one of the kids at school found out about my mother abandoning me. She told the other kids and I got teased about being so bad not even my own mother loved me. I... I guess it just stuck with me. I mean, what reason would a mother have to just leave her baby on the sidewalk?"

"So, ever since you were a kid you thought no one would ever like you?"

"Pretty much, yeah; at least not enough to ever have any kind of real relationship. I've never had a friend, not a good one, and I've certainly never had a girlfriend."

I heard her let out a quiet sigh. "Wow, I guess I didn't realize how bad a childhood you had until just now." She hesitated then looked into my eyes. "What I said before still goes, Carter. Somehow, you need to build up your self-confidence, but not just in your abilities, in your personal life as well. Jesus, you are a very likable guy. You're also not bad to look at, especially with your clothes off," she said with a smile. She giggled when I blushed.

"You know what I think you should do?" She didn't wait for an answer. "There's a branch of the Chicago Library not far from here on Milwaukee. You should get yourself a card. They've got tons of self-help books. Maybe they could help."

Her face tightened with a worried look as she stared at me. "I... I'm not trying to be mean, Carter, and I'm not trying to change you... " She stopped and thought for a second. "Well, maybe I am a little, but I just want you to realize what a great guy you are. I want you to see yourself the way others see you."

A smile then stretched across her face. "While you're at the library, you might also look into a few Nora Roberts novels. I expect you to make me your girlfriend, next summer, Carter, but I'm not going to just fall into your lap. I want to be romanced, I want to be swept off my feet. I want you to convince me that I'm your woman and you're my man."

We talked a little more, but she had to leave and I knew I wouldn't see her again before she went back to college. We stood as she got ready to go; she reached out and touched my cheek. "Let me put an end to this nonsense about no one liking you, right now," and with that, she leaned in and very passionately kissed me on the lips. I'd heard the term, 'floating on air' before, but never knew what it meant until that moment.

As it turned out, it wasn't that easy to get a library card. They wanted proof of my address. I had no ID or utility bills that came in my name. Trying to get an ID was even harder. All I had was the state equivalent of a birth certificate that they gave me at DCFS. They finally accepted it, but again, they also wanted proof of residence.

I hated to bother Stan, but I couldn't think of anything else. The first thing he did was make up a bunch of rent receipts for me. He also gave me an affidavit explaining that I lived upstairs from a restaurant, and all the bills came in the restaurant's name. Then he personally took me down to the DMV and finally convinced them to give me a state ID. Once I had that, the library card was no problem, but Stan didn't stop there. On Sundays, we went out to the country where he taught me to drive. I caught on pretty quickly, and by the time the snow started to melt, I had my driver's license.

He had done so much for me, I wanted to pay it back so I started helping him close the restaurant at night. I'd lock up, turn the chairs on top of the tables and mop the floor while he cleaned the grill and the kitchen. I'm not sure if Serena mentioned something to him or not, but we were becoming a lot closer than employer, employee. Sometimes, on a Sunday, he'd invite me to his apartment for dinner, then we'd sit and watch his big-screen TV together. On a couple of occasions, we were both invited to his ex's for Sunday dinner. On the ride out there, I'd silently pray Serena would be there, but it wasn't to be. I did talk to her on the phone.

I could actually feel it; slowly the walls I had built growing up were starting to crumble. I was experiencing something entirely new; I was feeling good about myself. I was thinking about buying a car and how I was going to sweep Serena off her feet when it happened...

It was approaching midnight. I had everything locked up and just finished mopping the floor. I turned out the lights and headed for the utility closet to stow the mop and pour the dirty water down the floor drain. As I passed by the kitchen, I looked in to say goodnight to Stan but didn't see him. I didn't think he'd go back into his apartment without saying something, so I looked a little harder.

That's when I saw one foot sticking out from behind a table. I rushed over and found him on his stomach with his head in a pool of blood. I turned him over and saw a big gash on his forehead just above his left eye. I had assumed he'd tripped and fallen forward against the corner of the table.

I took my shirt off, rolled it up and stuffed it under his head then grabbed some paper towels and pressed against his wound while trying to revive him. "STAN, WAKE UP!" I yelled over and over. Finally, his eyes flickered open. "You fell and hit your head," I told him. "It's bleeding pretty bad. Can you walk? I need to get you to the hospital."

He was trying to speak but his voice was so weak he was hard to understand so I brought my ear down close to his mouth. In a breathy whisper, he said, "Pain... in... " he took another difficult breath, "my chest."

That's when I realized he wasn't just groggy from the bang on his head, he was having a heart attack! I immediately called 911 and gave them the particulars. When they asked if the building was accessible, I rushed to the front of the restaurant. We had a steel security gate that we pulled across the inside of the door and locked with a padlock at night. I unlocked it and pulled it open, then unlocked the door before rushing back to Stan. As I got there his eyes rolled back into his head. I had to keep myself from panicking. Years prior the fire department came to the orphanage and gave us a course on CPR. I ripped his shirt open, interlocked my fingers, and started the procedure like they showed us.

"Don't worry, Stan, you're going to be fine," I told him while pumping on his chest. "I'm not leaving your side, you're going to be okay," I kept repeating. I knew it was only a few minutes, but it seemed like forever before I heard the sirens. "You're going to be fine, Stan. I can hear the ambulance, they're almost here." An instant later, I heard scuffling in the front of the building. "Back here," I shouted. I was still giving him CPR when the first responders came charging into the back.

"Okay, kid," one of them said, "we've got it from here." I stood and stepped back while they took over. They checked for a pulse, gave him a shot of something, and put an oxygen mask over his face while working feverishly to get him stabilized. One of them looked over his shoulder at me.

"You did good, kid."

"Is he going to all right?" I cried out.

"We're going to do our best," he answered.

They moved him onto the gurney and started wheeling him out through the restaurant. My mind was a mess. I wanted to go in the ambulance with him, but I didn't want to detain them while I locked everything back up and I didn't want to leave the restaurant wide open. "Where are you taking him?" I yelled.

"Northwestern Memorial," one of them shouted back. Without any more thought of me, they jumped into the back of the ambulance and closed the door as they took off with sirens cutting through the quiet night. I stood on the sidewalk and watched as it disappeared down the street; it was like time stood still.