Wide Awake

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Lita doesn't get hypnotized. She's sure of it.
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JukeboxEMCSA
JukeboxEMCSA
3,747 Followers

The guard gave Lita's arm a hard pull, sending her staggering forward and causing her dark brown hair to spill forward into her equally dark brown eyes. "Alright!" she snapped, her frustration getting the better of her. "I'm going, okay? It's not like it's easy to walk in this shit." She held her hands out and gave her wrists a good shake to emphasize the chain that kept her from walking faster than a shuffle. All this just to visit a damn shrink, like she was Hannibal fucking Lecter or something. She reached up to brush back her hair, but the chains stopped her from raising her hands above her chest.

The guard kept her moving down the corridor, clearly enjoying the way Lita had to waddle quickly to keep up, until they reached a thick wooden door with a nameplate on it. 'Henry Butler, M.D.', it read. Below that, in smaller letters, it said 'Staff Psychiatrist'. The guard knocked on the door. In a bored voice, she called out, "Gutierrez is here, Doctor."

After a moment, the door opened to reveal a Caucasian man in his early forties. His sandy blond hair had just a touch of gray, difficult to spot under the dim fluorescent lighting, and he wore a suit but no jacket. Lita caught sight of it hanging off the back of his office chair. He had a high forehead and cold blue eyes that were magnified by his glasses, making him look a little bit like he was examining her through a microscope. Lita gave a little shiver, hoping he wouldn't notice--she couldn't afford to have this meeting go badly. "Come in," he said in clipped, formal tones, gesturing to the room beyond him. "Have a seat on the couch."

Lita yanked her arm free of the guard before the other woman could release it, and stepped into the room. "Back in an hour," the guard said with a scowl on her face, still managing to sound bored. "You know what to do if she causes trouble." She closed the door, leaving Lita alone with the doctor.

Lita hobbled over to the couch, while Doctor Butler sat down behind his desk again and flipped through some papers. "Do you think you're going to cause trouble, Carmelita?" he asked, his tone deceptively mild.

Lita glared at him. "It's Lita," she said, sitting down on the couch. "Just Lita, okay? And no, I ain't going to cause trouble. Is that what you're writing down in that file? That I'm some kind of psycho or something?" She wished she could calm down, but something about the way he looked at her was putting her on edge. She tried to remind herself that he wasn't the bad guy, that he was the one who was going to let her out of here, but five years in prison had made it hard to trust anyone on the other side of a desk.

Doctor Butler looked up at her, his light blue eyes showing nothing but calm. "I'm not writing anything down, Lita. I'm just going over your records." He glanced down again at the papers. "Please tell me if any of this is incorrect. Your full name is Carmelita Gutierrez, age twenty-one. Born in Los Angeles, self-identify as Hispanic. You had two years of high school before you were arrested at the age of sixteen and tried as an adult for grand theft auto, and sentenced to ten years in prison due to exacerbating factors--"

"Bullshit factors, more like," Lita snapped out. She knew she should be trying to appear calm and contrite--this was the start of the parole process, and making a bad impression on the prison psychiatrist pretty much made sure that she'd be serving out her full sentence--but the injustice of it still stung. "Jaime had a crowbar with him to pop the hood, and I had a screwdriver on me to get at the drive shaft. Fucking D.A. said we were carrying weapons, and the fucking public defender didn't do shit to stop him. A fucking screwdriver, and it tacks seven fucking years onto my sentence. And they call it the fucking justice system."

Doctor Butler closed the file and went around the desk to sit in a chair at the foot of the couch. "So you feel like you were unfairly treated," he said. "Do you think you've been able to channel those emotions constructively?"

Lita shot him a stony glare, but all he did was stare back at her. After a moment, she shrugged derisively. "I got into a few fights, okay?" she admitted reluctantly. She waited for him to respond, but he just kept looking at her. She felt the silence weighing on her, judging her. "So is that it?" she said at last. "I mix it up a little in the exercise yard and I'm all out of chances?"

"Not at all," Doctor Butler said. "But it does mean that if I am to recommend your release, I need to give you some tools to help deal with your anger first, otherwise you'll simply wind up back here again. Neither of us want that."

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small silver pendant. "I've had a great deal of success with patients like yourself using guided meditation," he said, allowing the pendant to hang down at the end of its chain and starting to swing it gently back and forth. "It's a technique that allows you to center yourself when you're feeling frustrated, so that you can return to a state of calm instead of allowing your emotions to control you."

"Hey, whoa, what the fuck?" Lita said loudly in tones of surprise and alarm, looking straight up at the ceiling. "Are you trying to fucking hypnotize me? Because I didn't agree to that!" She flicked her eyes down for a moment to the psychiatrist, just to see whether he was still holding the pendant, then back up to the ceiling as soon as she saw that he was.

"It's okay, Lita," Doctor Butler said soothingly. "You don't have to be hypnotized if you don't want to. You can watch the pendant and remain wide awake. It's just a tool to help you concentrate, that's all."

Lita looked down at him again. His face was set in a smile so calm and mild that it practically didn't exist. He continued to hold the pendant, letting it move from side to side with an effortless motion. She shot her gaze back up to the ceiling again. "I don't want to be hypnotized," she said forcefully.

"Then you won't be," Doctor Butler said calmly. "It's as easy as that. We're going to talk about ways that you can stay focused when your anger is trying to distract you and goad you into making a bad decision, and it helps to have something specific you can focus your attention on. But that doesn't have to be this pendant if you associate it with hypnosis. You can just as easily focus on the ceiling while I talk to you."

Lita snapped her eyes back down to the doctor. "I don't think I want to do that," she said warily. She glared at him, looking for some sign that he was trying to trick her, but his face remained resolutely unreadable. It bugged her--it was like being in a room with a robot. She found herself wanting to do something, yell or scream or punch him in the face, just to get him to react, but she knew that would be the worst thing she could do.

"You don't like being told what to do, do you?" he asked, staring at her with his big pale eyes. She held his gaze for as long as she could, but after a moment she flicked them down to the pendant with a sharp sense of relief.

"I just don't want to be hypnotized, is all," she said sullenly. She had a sudden urge to get up, to hammer on the door and ask to go back to her cell, but she pushed it down. "I don't have a problem with people telling me what to do, I just don't want..." She froze, fumbling in her head for a way to describe it that didn't sound like an insult. She hated the way he was watching her, evaluating her, judging her. She was scared of the way he was trying to get inside her head, make her doubt herself. She felt like he was just like the rest of them, like he wanted to break her down into a good little model prisoner, somebody they could let out who would find some shitty job sweeping floors for someone who was oh-so-fucking proud of themselves for giving her a chance. Somebody who was a nobody.

"...I don't want to be hypnotized," she ended lamely, unable to put any of it into words. She felt her cheeks burn with embarrassment, and stared tightly at the pendant in an effort to shut him out completely.

"And you won't be," Doctor Butler said smoothly. "This is simply a therapeutic exercise, Lita, and you're going to remain wide awake this entire time. You may find yourself calming down, but that doesn't mean you're hypnotized. That simply means that you're finding a way to let go of that aggression, using your focus on the pendant to keep the anger you feel from getting the better of you. As you watch the pendant moving back and forth, you'll find that it's easier and easier to center your thoughts and leave that anger behind."

Lita leaned back onto the couch cushions, trying to at least give the doctor a chance. Just so that he'd at least write down afterwards that she tried. It didn't feel like it was working--she still felt all knotted up with stress no matter how closely she followed the swaying pendant. It just went back and forth, over and over again in a steady motion. It was kind of impressive the way he kept it moving so evenly, but if he thought this was going to calm her down, maybe he was the one who needed a shrink.

"That's right, Lita," he said after a moment. "You're doing an excellent job now. Wide awake but feeling calmer now, more centered and able to listen to me without feeling upset or afraid. Whenever you feel those emotions, you're just going to take a moment and watch the pendant swinging from side to side at the end of the chain, always moving smoothly and effortlessly, until you feel peaceful and relaxed once again. Does that sound good to you, Lita?"

Lita nodded. "Yeah, um, okay," she said, just to let Doctor Butler know that she hadn't zoned out or anything. "That sounds fine." She kept her eyes on the pendant while she talked--she still didn't trust herself to look anywhere else, not while she still felt so messed up inside. At least when she was looking at the pendant, she wasn't looking at him.

"Good," Doctor Butler said. He paused again, letting the silence fall over Lita like a drift of snowflakes. Finally, he said, "Let's revisit our discussion earlier, Lita. Do you feel like you have a problem with authority figures?"

Lita tensed up instantly, but it helped to look at the pendant and not at him while she answered. "Maybe sometimes," she conceded. "A little. It gets under my collar when someone tells me what to do just because they think they can."

Doctor Butler nodded. The pendant didn't jostle even a tiny bit. "But it's only a problem when you let that anger distract you," he said. "When you're wide awake like this, your mind free of all distractions, it doesn't bother you, does it?"

Lita thought about it for a minute. She could feel the anger welling up inside her, telling her that the doctor was telling her that she should just swallow all that bullshit and stop getting mad about it, but as soon as the feelings built up they faded away. She just watched the pendant sparkling at the end of the silver chain and let them all go. "I guess not," she said at last. It felt like a relief to give up that frustration.

"That's good, Lita," he said, his tone still studiously neutral. "So when you're wide awake like this, calm and centered and focused on the pendant and my voice, you don't have any problem listening to me and adopting my suggestions. You know I'm here to help you, and everything I say to you is intended to make your situation better. You can listen to my words easily and accept them into your mind without any anger or resentment. Isn't that right, Lita?"

Lita nodded warily. She wasn't sure she believed him, but she had to admit that it was a lot easier to listen to what he had to say without that constant simmer of emotion clouding her thoughts. It felt like she had let go of a weight she didn't even know she was carrying. She let out a long sigh of relaxation, feeling the tension in her body uncoil as she followed the pendant with her eyes.

"Very good, Lita!" Doctor Butler said. Even his praise sounded calculated, but Lita felt her irritation about that vanish into the dance and sway of the shiny silver pendant as it swung at the end of the chain. "And now that you know now that you can become more and more relaxed, more and more peaceful without being hypnotized, you can just watch the pendant for me a while longer, Lita, letting your thoughts focus completely on the pendant and my words. Everything else can fade away."

Lita nodded again, with a little more enthusiasm this time. "Everything else can fade away," she agreed happily. She shifted position slightly so that her body rested more easily on the couch. She felt her lips part into a slight smile as she stared at the pendant, letting her head remain perfectly still while her eyes followed its movement. It felt so easy. All she had to do was pay attention to the motion and listen to Doctor Butler, and all that messy junk in her head went away leaving her calm and relaxed and focused.

Doctor Butler stood up, but it didn't matter--Lita followed the motion of the pendant perfectly easily as it rose in her field of vision. She felt like she didn't need to even try to focus on it anymore. It just happened all on its own, the sparkle of light on the silver pendant drawing her gaze easily and effortlessly. Lita couldn't remember when she'd felt this peaceful--even sleep didn't feel as restful as sitting here and listening to Doctor Butler talk.

"And you'll find," he said, "that you can come back to this alert, calm place in your mind very easily, Lita, whenever you want to. I know that you feel very peaceful here, very relaxed, and I know how much you want to remain in this state. So I might remind you of it from time to time, just by saying the words, 'wide awake' to you, and that will act to let you know that it's okay to focus your attention on the pendant and let everything else fade away. Even when you don't actually see the pendant in front of you, you'll find it very easy to imagine it in your mind, swinging from side to side and helping you find this relaxed and focused place. Does that sound good, Lita?"

"Yes, Doctor," Lita responded. She felt a wave of relief wash through her body as she let go of all her worries and just watched the pendant as it swung overhead. She couldn't even remember what she was so afraid of. Doctor Butler had said he wasn't going to hypnotize her, and he hadn't. All he'd done was help her concentrate, and it felt so amazing to be free of all those distractions and completely focused, completely rested, completely relaxed and aware of everything he said without anything else to get in the way.

The pendant kept moving until it was almost directly over Lita's head now. She felt her eyelids fluttering with the strain of following it with her gaze, but Doctor Butler must have noticed because he said to her, "It's okay, Lita. You can close your eyes and remain just as wide awake as you were." Lita gave up the struggle to keep them open and simply laid there, peaceful and relaxed. She didn't need to think about anything right now. She could just enjoy the moment, just picture the pendant in her mind and let it be the center of her world. That sounded so perfect.

After a few minutes, she felt Doctor Butler put his hand on her shoulder. She opened her eyes slowly, blinking once or twice in confusion. "What's going on?" she said.

"The guard will be here momentarily," he said, smiling gently at her. "I thought you might want to compose yourself before she arrives."

"Oh, um..." Lita looked up at the clock. Sure enough, a whole hour had gone past in what she thought was just a couple of minutes. "Yeah, thanks. Sorry, I guess I kind of lost track of time."

"It's okay," Doctor Butler said. "That happens sometimes when we're concentrating. It's perfectly normal, nothing to be concerned about."

Lita smiled. "Then I won't worry about it. Thanks, Doctor. I think I'm feeling better already."

"Good!" They heard a knock on the door. "Same time next week, then?"

Lita nodded. She was looking forward to it already.

*****

"So," Doctor Butler said as the guard closed the door, "I was wondering what your thoughts were on attempting hypnosis."

Lita sat down on the couch and shook her head gingerly. "It's not that I don't trust you, Doctor," she said apologetically. "I just don't feel comfortable with it. It feels weird." She hesitated a moment. "That's okay, right?"

Doctor Butler smiled. "It's perfectly okay, Lita," he replied. "I've already told you, I won't hypnotize you if you don't want me to. You can always be wide awake for me."

Lita smiled and lay back on the couch, her eyes closing. "Oh good," she said softly, worries she didn't even know she had fading away instantly. "I'm so glad I can trust you." She decided to focus her thoughts on Doctor Butler's pendant instead of getting worked up over hypnosis that wasn't even going to happen.

"Instead, Lita, I'd like to talk to you a bit about the offense that put you here." Lita felt herself tense up briefly, but then the pendant in her mind flashed from right to left and the tension fell away with it. "I've read through your file, but I'd like to hear from you why you decided to steal that car."

Lita gave a tiny shrug, too relaxed to do anything more. "Because I was stupid," she said. "I mean, not stupid stupid. Just teenage stupid. I was hanging out with Jaime after school, and he asked me if I wanted to go for a ride, and I thought he was really cool so I said sure. And it turned out he didn't have a car, but I didn't want him to think I was, y'know, scared. So I went along with him."

"Why do you think you went along with him?" Doctor Butler asked.

Lita sifted through her thoughts. It felt so much easier to talk about it like this, when she could let all the bitterness she'd been hanging onto all these years go and watch the pendant swaying in her mind's eye instead. She could feel all the defensive rationalizations falling away as her eyes moved smoothly back and forth beneath her eyelids, until she was ready to admit the truth to Doctor Butler...and maybe to herself.

"Because he was cute," she said at last. "I was sixteen and horny and he was seventeen and ripped, and I was hoping he was going to take me somewhere in his car and fuck me."

"So your hormones were making all the decisions for you?" Doctor Butler asked, a twinkle of humor in his voice.

"I guess so," Lita said, smiling sheepishly with her eyes still tightly shut. "Like I said, I was a dumb teenager. I wasn't really thinking."

"That sounds like it could be part of the cause of your problem, Lita," Doctor Butler said, almost as if to himself. "I think you have difficulty making good decisions when you're distracted--that's why you're doing so well in here, because you're completely focused on my words and shutting everything else out so easily. But if your body is constantly trying to get your attention, you can't really focus on making the right choices, can you?"

Lita listened to his words intently, letting her thoughts center on the pendant in her mind while she took everything in. Once she heard it directly from Doctor Butler's lips, she had a hard time denying it--she remembered sitting next to Jaime on the school steps, feeling that liquid heat between her thighs like a tangible pull on her thoughts. She remembered tensing up with fear when she realized what he was suggesting, the twisting feeling in her gut fighting with the wetness in her pussy and finally losing as he looked at her with those arrogant eyes and asked if she was ready to have a little fun for a change. She remembered the way that her arousal mingled with the terror when they broke into the car, leaving her exhilarated in a way she'd never imagined, making the whole thing seem so perfect... "I think...maybe you're right," she said quietly, almost surprised at the idea.

JukeboxEMCSA
JukeboxEMCSA
3,747 Followers
12