Words

I wasn't going to give it to her, so by the rules of my profession, it was all over bar the splitting up of the cd collection.

I tilted my head at her. I knew what she valued. I know how hard this was for her, how she'd have struggled with having to do this. I knew she'd have a hard time looking at herself in the mirror after this day.

Time to pile on the hurt.

"And what if I say no? What if I say I won't live like that, Kristi? That I don't share and neither should you? What about the vows we made? Don't those mean anything?"

She had the decency to look away.

"I understand your anger Mike. I would have the same. But I'm here to help you get through that. Look, this has been going on for some time. You've never known. Now you do, because I respect you and think you should know. I don't know what's going to happen here, but I know what I want to happen. I think you can live with this. I think you will. What we have is too great not to. You know that. You know we are both better together than apart. This.." she gestured to the dick head again, "...doesn't impact us. I don't know how to make you understand that. It's like a second job or something."

She had no clue of my anger. She had all the classic symptoms of someone who had relegated the concept of understanding the response in the negative way it was going to be taken because there simply was no way to deal with it or accept that you were the cause of it. Most people did this - when they've done something wrong or unpleasant, they simply disregard the amount of reaction because otherwise it would really signal that what they'd done was seriously wrong. And no one wants to do that, because then they'd have to do something about it.

I snorted and said, "You really believe that, don't you? How was this going to work Kristi? How were you going to salve my ego? How were you going to make this all better?"

She blinked at that, and I give her credit, she rallied. "I don't know. You'd have to tell me. Whatever you wanted."

"Ok. No problem. Tell this ass wipe you are done and you want him out of here now. And he can loose your number." I leaned forward and stared into her eyes. "That's what I want Kristi. Do that."

She gazed at me for a second, then looked away.

"So, not anything, then?" I inquired, icily.

There was silence for a moment. I heard the grandfather clock on the wall that her mother had given us on our ten-year anniversary, chime, counting off the minutes.

"Mike, why can't you understand? Nothing has to change. We are doing this here, now, because I won't run around behind your back. It's killing me. Keeping up the front. I have to be free - and you'd want me to be free right? -, and I have respect for you that you needed to know. To understand."

"To accept...?" I finished for her. She nodded, a tear at the corner of her eye.

"How long have we been married, Kristi?" I asked suddenly.

"Eleven... Eleven years." She replied, uncertainly.

"Right. And in all that time, have I ever given you the idea that this would be OK with me? That I'd be OK? That I'd overcome this kind of thing and accept it?"

Again, she looked away. Score another one for Team Mike. She had insulted my intelligence and her knowledge of me. Willful ignoring of the reality.

"No." she said, quietly. Then she looked back. "But you can. I know you can. We have a life based on unfiltered love for each other. If you loved me, if you really loved me, you'd let me have this."

"Really? Unfiltered Love? And this is how you show it? By falling in love with someone else and fucking him? That's 'unfiltered love' is it? Christ, what's unfiltered hate in your world? Killing me first?"

"That's not fair Mike. I didn't plan this. No one wants to hurt you."

"Well good fucking luck with that. You have anyway."

"I'm sorry."

"So am I. Doesn't do much, does it?" I took another swig of beer. I couldn't taste a thing - it was just cold and wet at that moment.

I considered my next gambit. I knew this would be hard for her to come to me with. That's why ass wipe was with her. She'd never get through it otherwise. But she had no idea of the depths of my hurt. Hell, even I didn't, right then.

"Kristi, how do you imagine I am feeling right now?" I asked softly.

She glanced at the guy sitting next to her, James. He nodded at her, encouraging her.

"I think you must be hurt. Angry. Upset at me. For... doing this to us. To you. But you don't understand. It's not what you think it is - what you are afraid of. This is going to be OK. We can work this out. I still love you and I always will. I need you to understand that, if that's all you understand. I. Love. You. I will always love you, always be yours. And you'll be mine. We just need to get past this - adjust a bit. And we'll be together Forever. Lobsters, remember?"

She was referring to an episode of the TV show "Friends" we'd watched. We'd both loved the idea of the old Lobster couple, and had even dressed up that year as lobsters for Halloween.

"I don't think you have a clue. I really don't. You've ripped my heart out, you know that? Everything I thought we were based on is a lie..."

The pain came out of me, fresh and steaming.

"No, it isn't" Kristi interrupted me. "That's the point. It isn't. I'm still the same person. You are still the same person. This is still the same marriage. There's just another dimension to it. A new axis. You need to understand that. Nothing changes. You had to know, is all."

"Why is that Kristi? Why did I have to know? Why couldn't you have just carried on sneaking around?" I was prepared to be diverged for a moment, since I did want to point something out to her.

She looked a little taken aback at that. "You really would have preferred me to just keep on cheating?"

"No, that's not what I said. I asked why did I have to know?"

"Because it was killing me," she said, in slightly befuddled voice, not understanding where I was going. "I was sneaking around and trying so hard to be what I always was at home. And it wasn't fair to you."

"Right, so you were sneaking around. Why is that? Why was it killing you?"

"Well, because it was..." she trailed off, understanding what I was getting at.

"Wrong?" I added.

She just looked at me.

"The reason you were sneaking around is that you knew it was wrong, and that I'd be incensed and upset and hurt and angry and all the rest of it if I found out. You knew it was a bad and destructive thing you were doing, so you snuck around instead. You hid your evil behavior because you knew it was wrong."

There was more silence. Then she said, "We just needed to find a way to tell you that would...minimize the hurt."

"How are you doing so far, do you think?" I asked back, pursing my lips at her in sarcasm.

She didn't say anything.

"But still, you have no idea of what I'm feeling right now. Everything you've said just words. Oh, I'm sure this is hard for you. So hard. Boo fucking hoo. Neither one of you are giving up a damn thing, are you? Just good old Mike. I'm the one who has to accept this, for you it's a done deal. You've lost nothing. All you've got is to have your cake and eat it. And dick drip here, well I don't know what he's losing. Nothing, I suspect. He gets you with no guilt and sneaking around. Whoop de doo."

He looked at me and was about to say something and I glared at him, and glanced at his finger, and put my beer down, as though readying myself for something. He apparently reconsidered.

"Mike, James wants me all the time, just like you do. I'm trying to do the best I can here. Cut me some slack. I told him, just like I'm telling you, he doesn't get to have me like you do. I have two men to take care of now, and I'm not short changing you in any way."

"You are such a fucking idiot, Kristi. Listen to you. 'Not short changing me'? Fuck that. Of course you are. The mere fact that we are having this conversation means I'm 'short changed', as you so charmingly put it. I don't get you exclusively anymore, which, I point out, is not what I signed up for, when we exchanged marriage vows. And nor did you. The 'best you can do' is to dump this fucker's ass right now and frankly, throw yourself on my mercy. And that's that. I don't fucking share. Stop asking. You know better.

"But you have no idea of my pain. I want you to imagine if I'd had an affair. That I was banging that cute little red head - the paralegal. Imagine that, Kristi. Imagine I've just come home and told you I've been banging her for months and I love her and want to carry on."

I looked at her, and realized my words had gone in one ear and out the other. She was too wrapped up in her own situation to even contemplate what I was saying with any degree of reality. Then she opened her mouth and confirmed it.

"Well, I wouldn't like it very much, but I'd find a way to come to terms with it."

"Horseshit, you would. The only reason you say that is because of the situation you want me to accept. Let's be honest here. Oh, excuse me, I shouldn't have asked that, should I?"

That ended that. Even she had to admit the honesty of that statement.

"You've destroyed me, Kristi. You've destroyed us, don't you understand that? I don't give a shit what you keep saying about nothing changing. It has. And there is no getting around that. No matter what happens now, you will always have betrayed me. Always. Nothing can change that. I will never accept this, and I'm going to have to ask you to leave, since you evidently want to keep this going. And even if you didn't, how the hell would I ever trust you again? You've kept this from me - very effectively too - for I don't know how long. If you said 'fine, I'm done', then what? How would I know if you'd decided to start again, with either laughing boy here, or someone else? How can I trust you now, Kristi? But you aren't going to stop, are you? You want this. You've just told me you do."

That one hit home - I could see she hadn't really looked at it from that perspective. That's the thing; people who make bargains with the devil never do.

"You've made your choice and it isn't me, is it? Because if it was, this turd would be long gone by now. That's what I want, but you aren't going to give it to me. Do you have any idea how that feels Kristi? Do you? No, of course you don't. You've just taken everything I had to give, and then taken this jerk as well. And now you want to legalize that choice. Well it doesn't fucking work like that. We already made our choices. You don't get to make them again.

"I have no fucking idea what my life is going forward, but I can tell you this. I won't trust another woman as long as I live. You'll have done that to me Kristi, so thanks for that. Just you. I don't know I'll ever get over what you've done and what you are trying to make accept. I think it's sick, but you are so blinded by getting it all for a small period of time, you honestly believe you can have it all, and I'm the one that needs to be convinced. Well fuck you honey. Life isn't like that.

"The reality is that you'll never know how much you've hurt me today. Never. Not until someone does it to you, but that won't happen will it? Because you'll be too busy getting what you want."

"Oh Mike... I'm so sorry. I don't want to hurt you. Really, I don't. Please... please. Don't feel that way." Tears were dripping down her face.

"How the fuck AM I supposed to feel, Kristi? Whatever you got from me, it wasn't enough, was it? What kind of feeling is that to lay on a man you are supposed to love to all exclusion? Tell me? How am I supposed to feel? I don't even know what I did wrong or what you were not getting, and there's no way you are going to be honest and tell me, is there? You sure haven't been honest so far, have you?"

There was just silence. Kristi opened her arms and hesitantly leaned forward, as though to come hug me. I held up my hand.

"No. Thanks. The last thing I want is any mercy love from you." I almost called her a bitch, but I needed to control myself. As it was, I wasn't even aware of the tears in my eyes until I wiped them away.

It was weird, combating both extreme rage and extreme hurt at the same time. It was a strange combination. Like you wanted to throw someone off a cliff, but do it by holding onto them and jumping yourself. Your mind darts everywhere, seeing everything through to the logical conclusion.

She needed to have some understanding of the devastation she had wrought here. Like most people who've done something terrible, she didn't want to face it, trying instead to minimize it and find ways to put words on it so it didn't sound so bad. She needed to do that because she knew deep down how bad it was, and how devastating it would be, and she didn't want to face those feelings of responsibility. Once you do that, you are duty bound to actually do something - once you fess up, you have to repair the damage, and there was just no way she had the tools or abilities to do that. Some things you cannot come back from.

The more I could make her see that, the more she would have to deal with being responsible. And I knew her - she had a self-image that wouldn't take that. She'd suffer forever knowing she'd caused this and had no way to repair it.

Kristi sniffled some more and the guy next to her stirred, as though to say something, and I looked at him and he decided against it.

There was a pause, then I asked, "So, I get to fuck around too, do I? Is that part of the master plan?"

Kristi looked up and frowned at me. I loved that frown. Her nose crinkled and there were creases between her eyes.

She said, "Well, I'd hope you wouldn't. In an ideal world, you'd be content to just have all of me. It's always been enough in the past. But... I do understand that I'm not really one to judge or say no. So I wouldn't like it very much, but I'd have to accept it. With proviso's, of course."

"Proviso's?" I spluttered. This woman was unreal. How the FUCK had I been married to her for eleven years and not seen this? What had I been smoking and drinking? Was love really that blind? Was I really that stupid?

"Well, no falling in love."

"Like you, you mean." Too easy.

She frowned again. Another hit. C3, C4 and C5 next, please. Maybe I can get her battleship this time.

"No, I mean, that's different. If you want to experience another woman, I wouldn't like it very much, but like I said, I can't really be too judgmental. I understand that. No, you'd have to be sure, like I am, that this is the relationship you are in. The main one. That you are mine and I am yours. Like we've always been."

I had to laugh at that.

"Except the last, what, three months? Six? While you've been boffing biffo the clown here?"

She sighed. "It's not like that, Mike. I never stopped loving you. I just...expanded my horizons, is all."

"I like my horizons where they are, thanks." I replied.

She brightened at that, obviously seeing that as me saying I wasn't going to find another woman. "Great. Well, like I said, as far as you and me go, nothing changes. I love you as much as I ever did, nothing changes."

That one statement really pissed me off, and it was then I knew this relationship was over. "As much as I ever did" - so basically the same amount that allowed her to jump into another man's bed. And since she'd done it once, she would do it again.

"And what do I get, Kristi? A part time wife? Is that how this would work? Part of the time with me and part of the time with Captain Hook here?" I said, nodding at the guy, James, who was still rubbing his finger off and on.

"It wouldn't be like that." She said, with a tremble very much in evidence, "We thought... we could alternate time. Two weeks with you, a few days with James. You are gone some of the time, anyway. You'd never miss the time. You getting the majority of it, like you do now. You were there first."

I shook my head and laughed in the way you do when nothing is remotely funny.

"You are a bag of crazy, you know that? How did I miss that all these years?"

She even smiled back at me and said, "Love is blind."

"Really." I said dryly, with one of those 'final word' tones.

I considered again. I also marveled that I was even having this conversation. But then it was likely to be one of the last ones I'd ever have with her, so we needed to get everything in now. I was shocked at myself when I realized that was how I was feeling, but then, on reflection, resolute in that feeling.

"And cock face here," I said, nodding at James, "was OK with this arrangement?"

He glanced at her, then at me, and, that hint of a smile again he hesitated for a second, waiting for her affirmation and then nodded.

I turned my attention back to Kristi.

"So, 'it just happened', did it? Nothing was planned? You just 'fell in love'? No planning or intention?" I really wanted to give her rope at this point, and I was not disappointed.

"Yes. You have to believe me. I didn't go looking for this. I was happy. I am happy. Just...even more so. Apart from this moment. Hurting you hurts me too."

"When the piper has to be paid eh? Shame it's me paying that piper and not you, eh Kristi."

"This isn't easy for me, either, Mike. I know how upset you must be. How angry. I know you are a better man than that, though. I know you can cope."

"Oh, you know, do you? You know I can just get over this, do you?"

She looked away, and this time didn't look back.

"Would you like to know what I think, Kristi?" I said, softly.

She flicked her eyes back at me, worry etched in them. Then she nodded, hesitantly.

"OK, then. I think this is bullshit, from start to finish. I think all this protestations of 'it just happened' is horseshit, and right now, it's slopping over my shoes. You don't just 'fall in love' Kristi. You know that. It's an effort of will. You have to do all those small things along the way. Spending time together, seeking each other out, letting the other person know you are interested. In jokes that no one else gets. Little glances and touches. Personal and intimate things. That's how you fall in love. And you Do Not Do Them Unknowingly. You make a conscious choice to do them. At the least, it's a conscious choice to not prevent yourself doing them. You know that. I know that. Even fuck face here knows that."

This was a direct attack on who Kristi believed she was. She did believe she was moral and ethical and made the right choices. I could tell that for her, as for so many people, the whole 'it just happened' statement was a cop out. It's made by people who don't want to face the reality of their own culpability in an act they know, deep down, is wrong.

Whether they can stop themselves is another matter - it happens every day that people do something they know is wrong, and yet do it anyway, because they don't have the moral fortitude to just say no. It's especially difficult when it's a forbidden fruit. The mind will make up all sorts of reasons why they've done what they've done, to make it palatable for themselves, but in the end, most conscious people know right from wrong. They'll just do anything to avoid looking directly at it.

In my mediation work, you never draw attention to these situations. Trying to force someone to evaluate their bad behavior and admit it is never a way to get a good result. One of two things always happens. Either they accept it and come to peace with it, trying to integrate it into their own self-view - and create ever more ridiculous reasons to explain away that behavior -, or they don't accept it and will argue fervently against it, to the point of backing themselves into a logical and emotive corner. And when that happens, they fight back, often in evil ways. That's when the spite and diversions come out, and again, no one wins.