Yonder Comes a Reckonning

Sonny Throckmorton; Casey Kelly: "And my heart is sinkin' like the setting sun, setting on the things I wish I'd done. Oh, the last goodbye's the hardest one to say. This is where the cowboy rides away."

= = = =

When Kiki and I started dating, she made sure I attended all of her family functions. At the time her grandparents were still alive and they ruled the roost. Kiki's father had two older brothers and one younger sister. Kiki's mother was an only child and as such her mother's parents doted over Kiki and her brother. Those gatherings were always crowded with all the aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, and their extended families.

Since Kiki appeared to be in love with me, I got the once over from all of her family tree. Mostly friendly but some had doubts.

"What is it you do for a living Ryan?" from Kiki's Uncle John as about a dozen of the adults gathered around one of the food benches.

"I'm an assistant dispatcher. I help schedule fleets of trucks."

That failed to impress any of them, but I acted confident enough and said that it was a good job for me. I truly believed it. I couldn't afford a college degree, and no one was stepping up to pay for one for me. This job had a future even though I lacked a degree. Well I was about the only one without that precious diploma so Kiki got an earful while I was purposely distracted.

Apparently Kiki dismissed their concerns and I passed the sniff test. Kiki and I married later that year.

When the trucking company I worked for went under, shortly after we married, we were forced to pay for our health insurance. Being relatively healthy we opted to go with only major medical. Kiki's father's brother, uncle Tad, was a family doctor. He agreed to waive most of his fees for us so I along with Kiki became his patients.

According to Tad, we lived in the big city. His practice was in a town of about six thousand people and thirty miles away. Our town was fast approaching fifty thousand people. Tad's office was his alone. He didn't believe in teaming up. I don't know the exact count, but he employed at least a handful of people.

Over our first two years of marriage, I think I saw Tad once when I contracted strep. I got a penicillin type shot in the butt. There were a few more visits for physicals and bloodwork but nothing serious. Kiki saw Tad several times until she got pregnant. Tad shied away from delivering babies, something about malpractice insurance being astronomically expensive. Instead, he recommended a specialist in our town. We'd previously agreed to wait much longer to start a family but somehow Kiki's birth control pills failed. Uncle Tad brushed it off saying they weren't foolproof.

So along came Nathan, my eldest, just after our third anniversary. Two years later I was holding Ginger in my arms. That lady doctor did a very good job, I think. Let's face it, if Kiki liked her, so did I. It's not like a guy has any clue what's it like to be pregnant and scream out babies. Driving sixty miles round-trip to see Tad, with sick children, didn't last long. We started using providers closer to home for emergencies.

Life was good. I progressed up the ladder and am now managing five people. Kiki went back to work part time when Ginger entered pre-school. My management job included medical benefits which really helped cut down the out-of-pocket expenses. Although we'd quit using Tad, it was still sad when he died of a heart attack. At the gathering after the funeral Tad's widow handed me some envelopes.

"These are copies of your medical records from Tad's practice. We wanted to make sure each of his patients got their records. Don't worry, I haven't peeked."

The envelopes were sealed, quite securely. I hadn't been to see Tad in a few years, for myself anyway, but I'd taken the kids a few times. I just wasn't getting sick. Kiki's envelope was a lot thicker because she was still seeing him for annual physicals and the likes. Ginger and Nathan's envelopes were thin as they had only been to see him a few times. Rather than misplace them, I went out and put them in the trunk of our car.

It was a few days later when I opened my trunk to put some boxes of work related stuff there. After loading the boxes, I brought the envelopes back into the house. Putting mine in my briefcase I took the other three into the kitchen.

"Hey Kiki, Tad's office wanted to make sure we all had copies of our medical records" as I Tossed Kiki and the kids envelopes to her.

Kiki's reaction certainly wasn't what I was expecting. I really couldn't put a finger on it. Anxious? Made no sense. I repeated what I'd been told "Don't worry, I haven't peeked."

Another odd reaction as Kiki's eyes were glued to the envelopes, like I'd handed her a grenade with the pin missing. She counted out three envelopes a few times.

Gathering herself, and after counting to three again "Did you get yours too?"

"That I did. Dinner smells good, what's cooking?"

"Um, yeah, roast, potatoes, and salad. It'll be ready in about thirty minutes."

I have a home office. Since some of the information on my computer is sensitive, I always keep my office locked. That also meant I was responsible for keeping it tidy. Such is life. For the next twenty minutes I answered emails.

Kiki's eyes were red-rimmed when I sat down for dinner. Ginger and Nathan had to be peeled from in front of the television.

'Why the tears?"

Swiping her palm across her face "It's just sad that Tad died so suddenly and so young."

Again I was struck with how different Kiki was acting. She basically hadn't shed a tear at his funeral. Death affects people differently I guess.

I'm not a neat freak, especially in my office. I do, however, know where everything is. About a week later I started to suspect that someone had been in my office because things weren't exactly as I'd left them. Nathan or Ginger would have made a mess, so maybe Kiki cleaned up after them? Kiki denied knowing anything about it. Maybe I didn't know my home office as well as I thought.

Kiki perked up within a week and in my mind the sex increased. For the next six months things were running smoothly.

+ + + +

As the kids grew up we became friends with the parents of the kids involved in the different activities our kids were in. Dance, gymnastics, softball, baseball, basketball, and I'm sure I've left out more than a few. I was the head or assistant coach in many of the sporting events. Kiki became close with about a half dozen of the women and we began have get-togethers every other month, activities permitting.

This one was at Ben and Jill's house. I really wanted to pass as I'd been having some bad headaches and additionally I'd had some skin cancer removed from my neck. Sitting in my recliner sounded much more relaxing than partying. Kiki promised me a special treat if we went. Off we went. Yeah, well, the little head still calls some of the shots. Our relationship had been strained for years.

As word spread that I wasn't feeling well one of the other parents, Rick, offered me a cannabis infused gummy "This will loosen you up quite a bit. It's got some THC in it."

Rick's that kind of guy who is about one hundred pounds overweight, wears the same ear ring as his favorite action movie hero, and is about to lose his home to foreclosure. Yet he is a self-proclaimed expert on just about everything. So he explained that edible cannabis travels first to your stomach then to your liver before getting into your bloodstream and brain. The liver converts THC into a stronger form and this combined with the THC from the original product adds to the intensity of the high.

Since it is legal in our state I took one. First time for everything. Being that I was a virgin user, the impact was strong and quick. I found a bedroom and stared at the ceiling, as it morphed into things only an imagination can concoct. Any pain I may have had was long gone. Was the music real or in my head? My watch told me I'd been laying here over an hour when I tumbled off the bed and crawled into the bathroom. After draining my bladder I crawled back towards the bed but cuddled on the carpet this time. Eventually I made my way out of the bedroom. The railing on the stairs looked like wild grass swaying in the wind. Much too challenging to attempt, as I'm fairly certain they shouldn't be gyrating like that, so I sat on the top stair.

There were the telltale sounds of women chatting. Every once in a while there was that laughter the way some ladies do. As I regained my focus I realized they were talking about sex. Orgasms, foreplay, where they liked to be kissed. Guess I never appreciated what the women talked about.

An unknown voice was raving about how she loved to be licked to an orgasm. Others joined in. It was then that I caught Kiki's voice "It's been so long for me. Ryan used to do it all the time but I bet it's been eight years."

Well I was being crucified as being an uncaring lover and a poor excuse for a husband. Grab a rope and find a tree. Construct the gallows. Sharpen the guillotine. Death to the selfish husband. How could I? What a cad. Under normal circumstances I probably would have let it slide, but I was feeling no pain and wasn't using my thinking cap. Definitely stoned.

The ladies heard me coming down the stairs and, just like crickets, became very quiet.

"Feeling better" from my bride.

"Yes and no. Came to defend my honor. It's been ten years."

Kiki looked confused "Huh? What's been ten years?"

"Me going down on you. Don't paint me as the bad guy on this. Tell them why."

Kiki's eyes opened much too wide. She looked like one of those kids in a Margaret Keane painting.

"Ryan, please, not here."

"Oh come on Kiki. You were sharing. Let me share and care too. You see ladies, Kiki gave me a STD. It happened before we had kids but I didn't learn about it until ten years ago which was seven years after the fact. Yep, no way was I going to be licking the split after I found out. Nope, didn't know who'd been there on any given day. Hell, for all I know she's keeping your husbands happy on the side. Every time I see her flirt with a guy I have to wonder if she's fucking them. When you've been lied to forever your mind creates all sorts of scenarios."

"NO! It's not like that!" as Kiki buried her head in her hands. She was weeping as I spoke. The horrified look from the ladies told me they still planned on my speedy and painful execution.

Jill, the hostess, chastised me "Ryan, I think that's enough."

"Oh come on Jill, it's not I'm telling lies. Seventeen years ago she cheated. Seventeen years ago she started lying. Seventeen years ago she decided to play me the fool. Seventeen years she's had to tell me the truth. Never happened. Seventeen years! Well we stayed together as the deck is stacked against fathers in a divorce. Just to be sure, I did have my kids DNA tested. They're mine. Anyways, I take my chances having sex without a condom, but no way in hell am I dining at the Y."

I got the stink eye from every one of the ladies, which my smirk deflected. Gawd it felt good to finally get it off my chest. Ten years of sucking it up and watching for signs of infidelity. Can't say I ever thought that Kiki was still cheating, but then again, I missed all of the signs seventeen years ago so my track record sucks.

"Thanks for letting me vent. I'll let you ladies get back to talking orgasms and bashing husbands" as I followed the music out to the back yard, where there was no music playing. Damn! I'm still stoned.

+ + + +

Ten years ago:

Tad's envelope with my medical records stayed in my briefcase for a few days before I transferred it to my inbox. Eventually it became the floor of the inbox as I always seemed to have something more pressing to address. Besides, there weren't any surprises in there, right? It was six months before I got around to opening it.

I was sitting in my work office, on hold, listening to the recorded message telling me how much they valued my business. Every minute or so I was reminded how important I was to them. It gave me time to clean up my desk and empty the inbox. When I got to Tad's envelope, I nonchalantly peeled it open. Two or three office visits on each page. Pretty boring stuff and sometimes a struggle to read his penmanship.

But then there was this: 'Prescribed doxycycline to be taken two capsules with breakfast and two with dinner daily for a week, for Chlamydia.'

I was confused. I thought Chlamydia was a sexually transmitted disease? I've never had a sexually transmitted disease, nor have I done anything to have me concerned about contracting one. So I did some internet searches. It is a sexually transmitted disease. Problem is, I hadn't ever been told I had Chlamydia. Looking at the date, it was a month after our second anniversary, before children.

Examining Tad's records, it was clear I hadn't been to see him. All of my in-office visits had weight and blood pressure readings. Then some memories started floating to the surface. I remembered getting a call from his office. They said Kiki had an infection and, to be safe, they were prescribing something for me, as a precaution. I was too busy working to give it a second thought. A week later the pills had been consumed, without me ever feeling sick.

My simmering rage was interrupted by my call on hold actually being answered. Although a bit unfocused, I got my work problem resolved. Next up was telling the receptionist to hold my calls. Back to doing more internet research, I learned all about the symptoms and timeframe for the progression of the disease. Kiki would have caught it on our second anniversary cruise, plus or minus a week.

It wasn't much of a cruise, just bouncing around the Gulf of Mexico, but we did drink to excess. Kiki danced a lot, and we had great sex the whole time. More memories reminded me that the great sex picked up again about the same time when I took that prescription.

A month of pretty good sex which also resulted in Kiki becoming pregnant with Nathan. That wasn't our timeframe to start a family, but I didn't question how the birth control pills failed to work. Kiki thought it was the medication she'd been taking. The internet confirmed that doxycycline could impact birth control pills. Just fucking great. My family started because Kiki couldn't keep her legs closed. SHIT! Was Nathan even mine? CRAP! How about Ginger?

I had no idea what I was going to do. This was tearing me up inside. Tad and Kiki had conspired to hide Kiki's STD from me. Who gave her the disease? I felt like puking. Was she raped? Was she still hooking up? Did her fond memories of illicit sex keep her lips zipped?

Having muted my cell phone, when I was on that call holding, I failed to see that I'd missed a call from Kiki. Looking at the clock on the wall, it was almost seven thirty. I'm usually home by six. Her text message from an hour ago was 'Where are you?'

I responded 'Sorry. Lost track of time. Be home in a bit.'

Things were off-kilter for the two weeks it took to get my clandestine DNA test results back. Thankfully I am Nathan and Ginger's biological father. During those two weeks I researched the bizarre divorce laws, as they apply to men. No fault? Seriously? She's at fault! She fucks around and I'll get fucked over.

With Kiki's history of lies and cover-ups I wasn't going to waste my time asking for truthful answers. I became withdrawn and moody. Even if I didn't file Kiki could file at any time and I'd still become a part-time dad to Nathan and Ginger. My depression kept inflating, sucking the life out of me. My supervisor sent me to HR to get a referral to see a counselor. Did I open up to the counselor? Not really. I just told him my wife had cheated on me and I didn't want to lose my kids. His answer? Drugs. They helped somewhat but not nearly enough.

Call me a wimp, but it was seriously cheaper to keep her. My depression lasted months. My only refuge was playing with the kids, which was my whole reason for staying in the marriage. Kiki didn't put any pressure on me but there were changes in our marital dynamics. No longer did I go that extra mile. Volunteering for overtime became a thing of the past. Instead I became the kids coach, assistant coach, or biggest fan to fill my spare time. My desire to be my children's full-time father, and not some every other weekend stranger, ruled my life. When the rigors of two kids in sports got hectic, I cut back my work week to the minimum needed to get health insurance benefits. That allowed me to increase my coaching responsibilities. Kiki didn't like the loss of income. I ignored her complaints. We got by but had trouble setting money aside for rainy days.

Kiki would sometimes ask me if everything was okay, and I'd lie to her that things were fine. She knew something had changed in our relationship, but neither one of us was willing to talk about it. Granted Kiki could pull the plug at any time, but she never did even though it was apparent that we weren't the loving couple we'd been.

+ + + +

Present day:

The BBQ seemed to be less festive tonight. The ladies had returned, but still no Jill or Kiki. When the crowd had dwindled to just a few people I went looking. Apparently Jill and Kiki were locked in the master bedroom. I had Ben relay a message that I was headed home.

Ben informed me "Jill says Kiki is spending the night. She also said some very unflattering things about you. What's up dude?"

"Kiki's past caught up to her tonight. Bit her hard on the ass. I was pretty stoned at the time and probably should have kept my mouth shut. Oh well, the cat is out of the bag now. Nice party Ben. I'm headed out. Don't worry, I didn't drive."

I really wasn't very high at this point, and surprisingly didn't feel bad about what I'd done. My soul was ripped apart ten years ago and I've come to terms with my life and marriage. I guess Kiki gets to experience some of what I went through.

Both kids were home and buried in their phones. They grunted their acknowledgement of my return. Eventually everyone headed to their rooms. When dawn arrived I was alone in my bed. No indication that Kiki had come home. No lingering effects from my first THC gummy either.

Jill left a text message 'You're a real ass. Kiki will be home after lunch.'

With two active kids I didn't have to worry about them as they had their own hobbies. A day off from sports meant they could go spend time with their friends. It was when he was walking out of the door that Nathan finally noticed Kiki wasn't around.

"Where's mom?"

"She stayed over at Jill's house last night. We had a little disagreement. She should be back soon."

He just shrugged his shoulders like it was no big deal. Probably because I presented it like it was no big deal.

The gutters needed cleaning so that's what I did to keep me busy. I was picking up the debris when Kiki stomped in around 2 Pm looking a little ragged around the edges.

"YOU BASTARD!" she screeched before slamming the front door.

That was followed by the sounds of breaking glass and more screaming, profanities, and insults. Probably best that I spend the night in a motel, so I hit the road.

Nathan texted later 'What the hell happened? Mom's a raving maniac. Where are you?'

'Spending the night in a motel. Why don't you track your sister down and join me.'

Thirty minutes later Nathan and Ginger plopped down on the couch. I gave them a brief overview then got Ginger her own room.

Sunday morning the three of us found Kiki passed out on the kitchen floor. She smelled of liquor. Nathan had to climb through a basement window to gain access to the house as all of the door latches were in place.

There was glass everywhere, from plates, tumblers, and anything else breakable. I'd hit a nerve. Nathan and I chose to stay at a motel room again. Ginger opted to spend the day with my parents so we dropped her off after grabbing some ice cream.