D Cup Blues Again

"Dave, I'm sorry, but I really don't like that picture," Maureen said without looking at him.

"That's fine! That's not what I want to talk about."

"If it's about Caryn..."

"It's not. It's about my dad."

To his tremendous relief, that at least melted the ice a bit, as Maureen finally made eye contact with him. "Is he okay?"

"Better than okay. He and Francine just got engaged, and --"

"Oh, that's great!"

"It is, isn't it? And Maureen, they want you to be in the wedding. All four of you."

"Oh, Dave, I don't know!" Maureen set off for the door.

"Listen, we all want you there!" Dave said, following. "It'll be our big last hurrah, and it wouldn't really be that without you."

"Last hurrah!" Maureen let out a haughty laugh the like of which Dave had never heard from her before. "Would you listen to yourself, Dave? You sound like a jock in a teen movie. You're like me, you couldn't wait for high school to be over. By the way, are you still horning in on the Seven Sisters?"

"I'm going to Vassar, yeah. What's wrong with that? It's been coed so long my dad could've gone there!"

"Yeah, yeah, I guess. Hey, I'll be at NYU, you know. I take it you didn't get into Harvard?"

"I never thought I would," Dave admitted. "And listen, you're right, I'm not one of those idiots who wanted high school to go on forever." He felt a stab of guilt as he thought of Valerie, but he plowed on. "But look, it's really been pretty good for us all, or at least it could've been a lot worse. And that's because we always had each other. Even if we never see each other again, do you really want that to end on a sour note?"

Maureen stopped and leaned against the wall, and said nothing for a long moment. "I still just can't believe Caryn asked you out. That changed everything."

"You could've asked me anytime," Dave reminded her yet again. "Any time since eighth grade, anyway, and the first choral concert. The way you looked in that long skirt..." He couldn't help but grin.

"Oh, stop!" Maureen laughed to keep from crying. "Yeah, I guess I could've. But you could've, too. Why didn't you? Because we were all friends and we weren't supposed to date each other!"

"Says who?!"

"Says everyone! It's just not what you do with your best friends!"

"We didn't mean to hurt you, Maureen," Dave said. "You must know that!"

"I do," she said. "But you did."

"Can't we just bury the hatchet for the summer? For my dad? You know what it'd mean to him!"

Maureen swallowed hard and nodded. "Speaking of burying the hatchet," she said cautiously.

"Oh, no, not Scott again."

"He misses you, Dave. And if you gave that note of mine to Caryn..."

"Yeah, I know, he was the one who bailed me out with Rick," Dave acknowledged. "I do need to thank him for that, at least."

"Yeah, you really do," Maureen said. "He was a jerk before, but he's trying, okay?"

"Fine," Dave said. "If I talk to Scott, will you come to the wedding?"

"Can Scott come to prom with us?"

"We'd have to let Audrey and them vote on it," Dave said, hoping for a way out of that one.

"That's fair," Maureen admitted. "Now, will you talk to Scott? We're going to Sally's after school tomorrow. Meet us there?"

Dave nodded reluctantly. "Just tell me one thing, Maureen," he said. "What do you see in him?"

"Probably the same thing you did when you were friends," Maureen said, and without another word she turned and pranced off at a pace that made it clear to Dave he was not to follow. And so he didn't.

As she stormed off to the bus stop, Maureen was already kicking herself for that last line. Dave had told all the girls plenty of times just what he had seen in Scott: a friend when he didn't have any others. Was that what she wanted all her best friends to think about her at this point?

Then again, maybe Dave wouldn't take it that literally...but how else could it be taken?

Maureen couldn't help laughing bitterly as she realized how else it could be taken. Surely Dave and the girls didn't think she'd gone to bed with Scott. In two months she'd only just come to consider him even a little bit attractive, and all his talk about horror movies and Piers Anthony novels at lunch had mostly just bored her. But that beat knowing Caryn had beat her to the punch with Dave.

All the more so now, she mused, that she knew she could have had him all along. "The way you looked in that long skirt..." That old choral uniform had made her feel like a nineteenth century librarian, and all the girls had disliked it as far as she knew -- but the damn thing was, she had noticed the adoring looks Dave had given her on concert days. She'd noticed, and she'd responded in kind with the flirtatious smile she'd perfected in the mirror back in sixth grade, but somehow nothing had ever come of it.

That wasn't all she'd noticed about Dave. It was certainly more than Caryn had noticed about him back when she was still all about dating bad boys.

Was it really her fault, Maureen wondered now, that Dave had never opened his eyes?

She was the one who'd known all about the sweet kid buried beneath the aloof nerd at the other end of the table back before he'd even joined their gang. She was the one who'd seen how sharp he was when he bothered to do his homework back in the days when he usually hadn't. (And just how was it that he'd gotten all the credit from Caryn for helping her get her act together in time to maybe get into Berkeley? Maureen had been after her to try harder long before Dave had moved to their end of the table!) She was the one who'd noticed how hard he always tried to find something decent to say about the other boys they were dating, how he'd tried so hard to hide his jealousy even if he usually couldn't quite do it, and how amazingly oblivious he'd been to their jealousy when that bitch Michelle had come into the picture, and the way his eyes lit up every time she or Audrey or Valerie wore a skirt to school.

Caryn, of course, never wore one back then. But the first time she did wear something pretty to school -- and stopped trying to hide her boobs -- that was all it took. Was Dave really that shallow?!

As Maureen settled herself on the bus, it dawned on her -- if he was, maybe he wasn't right for her anyway. That gave her a touch of solace, at least.

It also gave her the unwelcome realization that she was dating Scott for no good reason. It almost felt liberating to admit that she didn't even like him very much, never mind love him. But it would hardly do to dump the poor guy just before prom, and then she'd look like she'd been using him all along. Which she had, but damned if everyone else had to know that! Besides, whatever his faults, he and the other misfits sure seemed to enjoy her company at lunch. What was a few more months?

"I guess I can't blame him if he doesn't show up," Scott admitted the next day at Sally's, as he and Maureen shared a chocolate shake. "But look, it wasn't easy on me either, the way he and Brad fought all the time! Brad's been my friend since the fifth grade, and he was my only friend for a lot of that time!"

"I was there," Maureen reminded him. "He was your only friend because of how he treated everyone else who got close to you! Dave most of all, Scott. You should've heard the things Brad said to him in French class. Every single time Madame LaSalle was a few minutes late, it was 'Dave, who'd you give herpes to this week, your mother?' Or worse!"

"I know!" Scott punched the table hard enough to jar their shake, and Maureen had to grab onto it to prevent a spill. "I know, and I heard him say worse. But he does have redeeming qualities."

"You always say that, Scott, but what redeeming qualities?" Maureen asked. "All your stories of him are about treating someone else like garbage, or about sitting around his room doing nothing. Doesn't he ever even go out?"

"Not much," Scott admitted. "But -- look, he's got problems. That's why he goes to school in Middleview."

"Obviously," Maureen admitted. All the teenagers in their county knew about the school in Middleview, where the hopeless cases went. "Is he going to college?"

"He's not graduating this year," Scott said. "He's missed too many days. That reminds me, don't mention you know anything about him when we're at my house, okay? My mother doesn't want me seeing him anymore."

"When did that happen?"

"Last year," Scott said. "He sent me a free sample of Depends, and my mom was the one who got it in the mail while I was at school. He'd done stuff like that before."

"Real mature," Maureen chuckled.

"Oh, I've done that to him too," Scott admitted. "But my mom didn't know about that."

Maureen allowed herself to laugh, so at least Dave arrived in a light moment. "Hi guys," he said, appearing at the end of their booth.

"Dave. Thanks for coming." Scott extended his hand, and Dave shook it. "Have a seat."

Dave did -- on Maureen's side of the table. Scott showed no sign of being surprised or disappointed. "Scott, thank you for bailing me out that day with Rick," he said. "I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner."

"I understand," Scott said. "I hope Principal Kendall got there in time?"

"She did, but she also blamed me for bringing it on myself," Dave said. "'It takes two to fight!'" he mimicked.

"God, that's no surprise, is it?" Maureen asked. "So clueless!"

"No kidding," Scott said. "Remember at Northisde, when --"

"Don't remind me!" Dave interrupted. "Whatever it is, I'm sure I remember it and I'm sure I'd rather not."

"Fair enough," Scott said. "And about that, Dave...look, I didn't mean to desert you, okay?"

"But you did."

"What could I do? You and Brad hated each other, you know that."

"I had no problem with Brad until he decided he wanted me out of the picture!" Dave said. "Don't you remember that time I even offered to forgive and forget?"

Scott nodded. "And I asked him, but he said 'No because I hate his guts'. I did try."

"You didn't tell me about that," Maureen said.

"Which one of us didn't tell you?" Dave asked.

"Either, but I meant Scott."

"It didn't come up," Scott protested. "Dave, maybe Maureen has told you, I don't even get to see Brad much anymore. Maybe once a month. My mother won't let me see him, so I need to go behind her back."

"You just told me that," Maureen said. Turning to Dave, she reassured him, "I didn't know."

"I don't care if you knew," Dave said. "No offense, but that's...not the point. Scott, the point is, Brad knew he could get away with abusing me all the time without losing you as a friend. If he thought it would cost him, he would've stopped."

"I don't know about that, Dave," Maureen said. "I've known him since grade school."

"And I did know it was hard on you," Scott said. "I told you at the time, I know what you mean."

"Yeah, you said that, but you also laughed at a lot of his crap," Dave said. "Don't expect me to believe you didn't know that would encourage him."

"When did I ever laugh at that?!" Scott demanded.

"Just for one thing I'll never forget," Dave said, "There was the time I reminded him how he always called you a loser behind your back."

"I called him a loser too," Scott interjected.

"Not the point!" Dave snapped. "The point is, I reminded him, Brad, at least I don't call my best friend a loser behind his back! And what did he say?"

"I don't remember," Scott said.

"'But Dave, you don't have any friends!' And you laughed."

Scott was silent for a moment. "I'm sorry, Dave. I don't remember that, but I believe it."

"Do you, really?" Dave was visibly unconvinced.

"I can certainly vouch for him being like that," Maureen said. "And I remember you egging him on, too, Scott."

"I do believe it!" Scott said. "And I'm sorry!"

"Just tell me why you let him get away with that," Dave said.

"He was my oldest friend, and sometimes my only friend," Scott said again. "Grade school was miserable for me before he came along. Maureen knows that."

"And guess who sometimes made it miserable for him?" Maureen asked Dave.

Dave couldn't help chuckling a bit. "Caryn," he said.

"And I never gave her a hard time," Scott said. "Brad did, but I didn't."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave said.

"Now, can you guys be friends until June?" Maureen asked.

Dave gave his old friend a probing look. "I can forgive," he said. "That's all."

"I'll settle for that," Scott said. "I guess I can't blame you."

"Thank you," Maureen said. "Both of you. Now, Scott, do you really even still want to be friends with Brad after all he put your other friends through?"

"He's my oldest friend, Maureen."

"Do you even think you'll ever see him again after August?" Maureen asked. Scott was off to Andover to prep for a year, then his father was angling to get him into the Ivies.

Scott sighed. "Good question."

Maureen was off to visit her grandparents for that weekend. But Scott's parents didn't know that. So there were no suspicions raised when he told them he was going to her house to study, and then really went to Brad's place. It was the warmest weekend yet of the spring, the first time Scott was comfortable outside in a short-sleeved shirt, and he wished he really were going to see Maureen. He wondered what she was wearing as he waited for the elevator in the lobby of Brad's apartment building.

The doors opened and he pressed the eighth-floor button, as he'd been doing on a regular basis since fifth grade. He remembered well what a joy that had once been, then more recently what an illicit thrill it was now that he wasn't supposed to be there. Now it felt more like a chore, but enough was enough.

Brad's twentysomething cousin, Cheryl, had opened the door for Scott when she'd buzzed him in downstairs, as usual. Scott wasn't surprised to find her still in her bathrobe at midafternoon and sacked out in front of the TV set. "He's in his room," she said without looking up when Scott came in.

"Thanks, Cheryl." Scott couldn't help but recall some of Brad's stories of spying on her in the bathroom, and how he'd been tempted to do the same many a time. He thought about apologizing to her, but decided against it.

"Get lost, Cher!" came Brad's voice when Scott knocked on his room door.

"It's Scott."

"Oh. Come in."

Scott tried the door, but it was locked. It took several seconds before he could hear Brad getting up from his computer inside and come to unlock the door. "I'm on the phone," he said without looking Scott in the eye as he ushered him in. "Want to listen?"

"1-900-34-PORNO again?" Scott asked.

Brad nodded as he sat back down at his desk and pressed the speaker button on his phone. "I'm back," he said in the smarmy drawl he always used when impersonating a girl on the phone. Scott recalled with a stab of guilt that he'd done that to Dave once in eighth grade.

"You are eighteen, aren't you, sir?" came a woman's voice on the phone.

"And a half," Brad said. "Now, I was tying you to the bed..."

Scott let out a snort of laughter. He got himself under control a moment later, but it was a moment too late. "Is someone else on the line?" asked the woman.

"Only my cousin," Brad said. "Want to pee on him, maybe?"

"Sir, that's disgusting, and you're not supposed to have other people on the line! Don't call here anymore."

She hung up, and Scott almost hoped Brad would be furious with him, but instead he burst into cackles. "But if I call back next week, she'll have to take it again!" he said.

"Wonderful," Scott said, looking out the window which faced on a park. "Listen, it's a beautiful day out. Want to go play Frisbee or something?" He wasn't even sure why he bothered asking.

The answer was just what he'd expected. "No." He hung up the phone and turned his computer on. "I'm killing it in Mortal Kombat, all week. I was on homebound from school since Tuesday and the practice is paying off."

"Have you even been outside in four days?" Scott couldn't help but notice the room smelled even worse and looked more disheveled than usual.

"No."

Just as well, Scott reminded himself. He sat on the edge of the unmade bed. "Brad, can we talk before you do that?"

To Scott's surprise, Brad turned around and smiled at him. "Of course we can. Is it about Maureen?"

"Partly."

"You dumped her? Did she cry?"

"No!"

"You mean she was glad to be rid of you?"

"I mean I didn't dump her, Brad. We're going to prom with her friends. Including Dave."

"Don't tell me you're going crawling back to him again!" Brad jumped up and knocked his desk chair over in protest. "Didn't we teach him a lesson at Northside?"

"Brad, he's a nice person and he was a good friend."

"Was."

"Was, because of you!" Scott hardly ever raised his voice at Brad, and now he wondered if it was really himself he was angry at rather than Brad.

"I would've left him alone if he'd stayed away from you," Brad said.

"Right. Look, I talked to Maureen and Dave yesterday, and --"

"Why are you bothering with that slut now?" Brad demanded. "Haven't you gotten back at Dave and Caryn already?"

"Don't call her a slut!"

"You called her worse before."

"We were kids then!" Scott snapped. "Look, I've been seeing a lot of Maureen, and I really like her."

"No, you don't." Brad flopped down on the bed beside Scott. "You know she only asked you to the dance in the first place to use you."

"Maybe," Scott said. "But we're still together, and I'm trying to patch things up with Dave."

"Don't even talk to me about that scum," Brad said. "Or Maureen either. You don't really love her, we both know that."

"I didn't say I loved her," Scott said. "But I think maybe..."

"No!" Brad snapped. "You know you don't love her, Scott. You know she's not the one for you!"

"What's it to you if she is?" Scott asked.

"What's it to me?" Brad snapped. "This is it to me!" Before Scott had any idea what was coming, Brad swooped in and kissed him on the mouth, and tried to push him back onto the bed.

Scott shoved him back and stood up. "Brad! What the hell?!"

Brad curled up at the far end of his bed, looking like a wounded puppy. "Don't tell me you didn't know, Scott. All these years?"

"Didn't know what?" Scott screamed. "That you wanted...me like that?!"

"After all the work I put in to pushing Dave and them away?" Brad whined. "What did you think I was up to?"

"I thought you were just jealous," Scott spat out. "And I never liked it! I put up with it, but...what the fuck, Brad?"

"I was planning to wait until you dumped Maureen," Brad said. "But I guess you're not gonna get rid of her."

"Got that right." Scott felt like ripping the door off its hinges as he tore it open. "Goodbye, Brad."

"Scott, wait."

But he didn't. He also didn't say a word to Cheryl as he saw himself out.

At lunch on Monday, Dave was just relieving Valerie with the news that Francine's favorite color was blue when Maureen appeared at their table for the first time in weeks. "Can I join you guys today?" she asked.

"Of course!" Audrey said, exchanging looks with the others to confirm that they were as surprised and pleased as she was.

"Welcome back!" Caryn added. "We were all glad to hear you got Dave and Scott to make up."

"Is he joining us, too?" Dave did his best to sound polite, though he wanted the answer to be no.

Maureen's hands froze with her lunch bag half open. "Oh, you didn't hear!"

"Didn't hear what?" Tom asked.

A quick look around the table confirmed that none of her old friends had heard the news. "Scott isn't here today," she said.

"Asthma attack?" Dave asked. "He used to have a lot of those."

"She doesn't know yet why he's not here, Dave!" Valerie pointed out.

"Yes I do!" Maureen snapped. Then she took a deep breath. "Brad killed himself Saturday night."