All Comments on 'The Gift'

I'm a big fan of lean prose and I enjoy sex scenes in which the woman is not aware of who is having sex with her or when the penetration, etc., is coming. Because of this, I found this to be a pretty hot little tale, in spite of a few problems. In the opening paragraph, I got hung up on the idea that a box of boots and a home theater system would come in roughly the same size box. Second, I was a bit distracted by the repetition of certain phrases, like "B-Cups" (not a bad descriptive phrase in a first-person account, but not ideal for a third-person story, and not one you want to use more than once either way) and "hard cock" (which appears twice in very short order). Third, I had difficulty buying the notion that the protagonist reached orgasm so quickly, even with all of her anticipation, and I thought the idea that her thighs were "soaked" with her own juices after just one climax seemed a bit exaggerated. Finally, I couldn't help but wonder if your lean writing style wouldn't be further enhanced by just a little more sensory information. For instance, "A hand lifted her head by the chin. A woman kissed her. She tasted like a martini. The woman was only there for a moment, leaving Ellie ready and willing and bent over the couch." would be that much hotter if it read, "A hand gently lifted her head by the chin. A woman kissed her. The soft lips were only there for a moment, leaving Ellie yearning for more, squirming on the arm of the couch, her ass still high in the air." Just an example, of course. Direct, concise prose can be very evocative if it has the right amount of detail, but can come across as dry and dull if it spares too much. Your story is very good, but could benefit by injecting just a bit more detail into some of the sentences.

I'm a big fan of lean prose and I enjoy sex scenes in which the woman is not aware of who is having sex with her or when the penetration, etc., is coming. Because of this, I found this to be a pretty hot little tale, in spite of a few problems. In the opening paragraph, I got hung up on the idea that a box of boots and a home theater system would come in roughly the same size box. Second, I was a bit distracted by the repetition of certain phrases, like "B-Cups" (not a bad descriptive phrase in a first-person account, but not ideal for a third-person story, and not one you want to use more than once either way) and "hard cock" (which appears twice in very short order). Third, I had difficulty buying the notion that the protagonist reached orgasm so quickly, even with all of her anticipation, and I thought the idea that her thighs were "soaked" with her own juices after just one climax seemed a bit exaggerated. Finally, I couldn't help but wonder if your lean writing style wouldn't be further enhanced by just a little more sensory information. For instance, "A hand lifted her head by the chin. A woman kissed her. She tasted like a martini. The woman was only there for a moment, leaving Ellie ready and willing and bent over the couch." would be that much hotter if it read, "A hand gently lifted her head by the chin. A woman kissed her. The soft lips were only there for a moment, leaving Ellie yearning for more, squirming on the arm of the couch, her ass still high in the air." Just an example, of course. Direct, concise prose can be very evocative if it has the right amount of detail, but can come across as dry and dull if it spares too much. Your story is very good, but could benefit by injecting just a bit more detail into some of the sentences.

GOOD STUFF!

Loved your story, am an avid reader of sexual material. Crave good realistic stories, to fulfill my sexual needs. So with that being said, your story was wonderful, but I would say needs more detail in the descriptions of events. The feel of the hand, the force of the movement and her feelings of yearnings not yet satisfied. More descriptive wording and less repetitive wording. Loved the story, keep writing you have real talent. Good Luck!