by Liar
oh, and then there were those original moments between the other two as well.
two it's that ought to be its
it's absence, and it's split square.
what stand out for me, above the hair kissing shoulders, and the pines, magpies and machinery, are:
But the moon moves fast tonight,
pushing its split square across
the floor,
Micro cuts on
her tender membrane of control,
and a shout lodged
deep in each too full lung
Will it be enough stillness
to mend the bruise of day this time?
with that last example, would that work as well for you simply as 'Will it be enough/to mend the bruise of day?' ? or even 'will I be enough ...?'
Shouldn't the second 'on' in the first line be 'of'?
Chipbutty is right about the 'it's', but there's also an 'its' that should be an 'it's'.
Five.
O do I love the way you write (though that may be a little self-congratulatory because I think our style is similar in free verse poems). Yeah there's a few typos and I don't think this poem is as good as it could be yet....and still there is a warmth and musicality, a feeling of cherishing that radiates from it and makes me feel really good reading it. "split-ends" sounds a little clunky to me but otoh it does convey that you love all of this person, even the (on the surface) less attractive parts. Overall it's songlike and that, to me, is of very high value in a poem.
Well I missed every typo as I was too enthralled with the story for imperfections to intrude and the ending is so bittersweet it's wonderful
Nice compact writing. Something about the micro cut bit bothered me because I have the feeling there is another name for tiny cuts in membranes but its escaping me and you know poets, well we need to use the exact name of things. Getting a recommend.
I really enjoyed this, Liar. Evocative, excellent diction. --PandoraGlitters
You started wonderful well:
It's quiet on the tip on her tongue,
a whisper about a whisper nests
in split ends, resting a thousand lips
on her back
Beautiful.