All Comments on 'Rahim's Dream'

with strong imagery and a good contrast between dream and reality. i think your poem would be stronger without the last line, but that's just my opinion--either way, i think it's really good. :)

Hi, QuietPoly,

I can't keep from commenting on poems.

I like the rhythm and images. It's clear and real but also has a storybook feel. It's direct and leaves the head steady instead of spinning.

***comments*** inline, such as tightening options. Disregard anything that doesn't work.

Best,

rajn...

Rahim's Dream

by quietpoly ?

Rahim Mia has a dream.

***nice assonance with long I sounds***

He dreams at night of gold.

***Could combine: Rahim Mia dreams at night of gold. Piles (or "mounds")of coins which glitter like little suns (or could use the moon, to go with reflective light: "which reflect brighter than a glittered moon."***

Piles of gold.

Coins which glitter

like the Sun itself.

And though he dreams it every night

He never tells a soul.

For telling it

makes reality seem

all the more lame.

For Rahim has no gold.

No wealth.

Just a dinky fisherman's boat

***maybe "fishing boat"***

a thatched roof on his hut

option: a thatched-roof hut***

and a very old wife.

***option: and a wife born before he (correct grammar?)***

Yet Rahim dreams

like he was 12

like the very day

he was out of school

running home to play.

***could be "running home from school to play"***

Rahim dreams this every day.

***Harmonic ending with the rhymes***