All Comments on 'A Birthday Surprise Ch. 01'

<p>What might have been a very good story was seriously diminished by Slirpuff's continued tendency to shift from the first to the third person and back again. Also, the pov of the writer shifts from the husband to a neutral observer and sometimes, for just a sentence, to the wife.</p>

<p>Other than those objections the story is a good one. It was kind of an abrupt ending for this chapter, the husband, after discovering the infidelity, quickly starts to perform the functions that all husbands perform in these cheating wife stories. Perhaps we can have a 'shorthand' sentence that tells it all: get pictures, close accounts, move out, find hotel, get drunk, and usually hire lawyer.</p>

Great start but as always makes husband out to be idiot, first she has all these outfits he has never seen and he never gets sex but think there for him duh,duh next she takes them back who would allow you to return underthings duh, next of course the motel room and drunk like it's back to the 60's and of course no answering the phone duh,duh. I guess next will be she was doing it fof charity and all he had to do was ask. Your stories are getting more and more silly.

Great start but as always makes husband out to be idiot, first she has all these outfits he has never seen and he never gets sex but think there for him duh,duh next she takes them back who would allow you to return underthings duh, next of course the motel room and drunk like it's back to the 60's and of course no answering the phone duh,duh. I guess next will be she was doing it fof charity and all he had to do was ask. Your stories are getting more and more silly.

Great start but as always makes husband out to be idiot, first she has all these outfits he has never seen and he never gets sex but think there for him duh,duh next she takes them back who would allow you to return underthings duh, next of course the motel room and drunk like it's back to the 60's and of course no answering the phone duh,duh. I guess next will be she was doing it fof charity and all he had to do was ask. Your stories are getting more and more silly.

Great start but as always makes husband out to be idiot, first she has all these outfits he has never seen and he never gets sex but think there for him duh,duh next she takes them back who would allow you to return underthings duh, next of course the motel room and drunk like it's back to the 60's and of course no answering the phone duh,duh. I guess next will be she was doing it fof charity and all he had to do was ask. Your stories are getting more and more silly.

Great start but as always makes husband out to be idiot, first she has all these outfits he has never seen and he never gets sex but think there for him duh,duh next she takes them back who would allow you to return underthings duh, next of course the motel room and drunk like it's back to the 60's and of course no answering the phone duh,duh. I guess next will be she was doing it fof charity and all he had to do was ask. Your stories are getting more and more silly.

Great start but as always makes husband out to be idiot, first she has all these outfits he has never seen and he never gets sex but think there for him duh,duh next she takes them back who would allow you to return underthings duh, next of course the motel room and drunk like it's back to the 60's and of course no answering the phone duh,duh. I guess next will be she was doing it fof charity and all he had to do was ask. Your stories are getting more and more silly.

Great start but as always makes husband out to be idiot, first she has all these outfits he has never seen and he never gets sex but think there for him duh,duh next she takes them back who would allow you to return underthings duh, next of course the motel room and drunk like it's back to the 60's and of course no answering the phone duh,duh. I guess next will be she was doing it fof charity and all he had to do was ask. Your stories are getting more and more silly.

you cannot tell the reader what was said when you leave the house because you have no idea. You certainly cannot tell the reader what someone else is thinking! First person appears too complicated for you, and your editor. You also spent far too long showing what a good mood the husband was in for several days.

Anonymous in Canada then Lit. will ban the moron from the site. PLEASE REPORT.

Enjoyed it and am looking foward to the rest, thanks.

Thanks for writing a story where the husband does not accept or revel being a cuckold

I look forward to reading the rest though both the husband and the wife both seem a bit slow on the uptake.... I do not really understand why people apply grammar school rules to other people's writing. I admit that in the first stories Slirpuff did cause me to go back and figure what he said, but the last couple of stories were smooth if you accept a creative writing style...

I have to say there were fewer errors per hundred words than we expect of this author, but Hip & Knee is bumping and pumping out crap with him.<p>I know, the drumbeat is getting old. I hate to continue to harp on the author's lack of writing skills. Let me provide one single example:<p>If your going to wine<p>Now, can anyone see the problems here? Mr Author *still* can't tell the difference between "your" and "you're," and "wine" is a drink.<p>Also, the lingering problems of first-to-third-person shifting, and not a duke of an idea how to punctuate continue to haunt. I've never seen so many commas flying all around.<p>I say fire this editor and get one who can actually help improve your writing.

I quite liked this story. Not sure where it is going but Okay for a first chapter.

Reading the other side of the story, he's only nice when he thinks he's going to get some action? He's a decent husband and father and boss for three days and everyone is surprised...so what was he like before that? An asshole? No wonder she cheated on him, he has anger issues, trust issues, avoidance issues...this fucktard doesn't deserve to be married.

Slirpuff, please stick to the third person perspective in your stories. That's when it's "he" and "she" and never "I" or "me." The vast majority of stories are written in the third person, and for a good reason, because it's the easiest way to go. For instance, you can't write in the first person from the husband's perspective and then switch over to a couple of sentences of what the wife is thinking, and then back to the husband. But with third person, you can do just about anything. And if your editor isn't catching the big errors that a story like this still has, please get another editor or two. The more people that review the story, the better it'll be. And as for the person below who asked why do some people get all anal about grammar, most of the time I don't care. But when there are so many errors that a person has repeated trouble understanding what's being written, that's when I care.

i be mad as hell at wife after 6mos. without.while wife off fucking others not giving hubby any.wife was a whore for sale.no respect for her family.if hubby takes wife back tell me now so i can stop reading now.

Slirpuff,

Others have pointed it out, but I think I should reemphasize something one of your anonymous posters has said. You can't use first person if you are going to try to look into the mind of every character. Your plots are interesting, and usually you have well-defined characters in your stories, but your failure to choose one set of eyes to watch through, while trying to write in a first-person perspective makes your stories puzzles for most readers.

Do keep writing, but if you can, talk to a couple of volunteer editors. They should be able to help catch your jumps in point-of-view and make your stories easier to read.

***IDIOT HUSBAND ALERT!!! *** this COULD be a good story but probably isnt. Look at this authors other stories.

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After Months of NO sex...and on his birthday with the husband making extra effort..the wife after getting a great orgasm from him... says <b>" well lets get it over with?"</b>

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and of course the husband says what the fuck bitch?

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No in fact the husband says NOT a fucking word!!!. At that point it should of be obvious to Jim his wife does NOT want to have sex with him in anyway. She has totally disconnected to him.

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A fact that will of course be overlooked in future chapters.

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then when the wife says <i>"I dont give you pity sex"</i>... Jim who is suppose to be drunk... says Nothing.

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since when do drunk people keep their mouths shut?

but could all the English Professors and English Lit majors stop posting comments about grammar and spelling.It is a story and who really gives a fuck if a word is spelt incorrectly or the wrong tense is used.Authors like Hemmingway and Mark Twain would have been crucified by these so called Experts!!

when Jim walks into the lingerie strip show some GUY says that he has heard Stories that the models will fuck you or gice BJ's in the other room.

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That is NOT proof per se. But when Irene/ Carry is introduce this is quite damning Lisa says "All right guys. The next model needs no introduction, so lets put your hands together for Carry."

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Undoubtedly Irene will say/ LIE that its was just a risque show that nothing happened.

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But that is NOT the issue... Irene has been shitting on JIM for months and cutting him off from sex. WHY? if anything her " job" would ...it seems to me ...make her MORE loving not less.

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and Irene Lied to Jim's Mon and dad. Jim did NOT just "throw her out".

The story, in and of itself is good.....provided it doesn't devolve into being just another wimp story.

To "Anon in Revolla": Actually, spelling and grammar do count! Because, ewe sea, werds have meaning and grammer rools exist for a reason. Manely, they are part of live sew that pepul can make since of the ridden text with out halving to paws to figger out whut the in tent of the wrighter was. It's not a matter of English Professors and English Lit majors; it's an issue of enabling the reader to enjoy a written story without needing to stumble over errors in basic writing skills which should have been learned in high school (or before). With enough errors, even the best literature becomes too much effort to bother with finishing the read. And after all, the reason for bothering to write fiction for public distribution is for the public to be entertained, isn't it?

-- KK in Texas

been this long off the toilet. She had virtually cut him out of her life for a very long time, no man would put up with that.

I really enjoyed your story. I feel the characters are like real people, the plot was good, and the story flowed well.

Please don't leave us hanging, Chapter 2 please, And very soon. Can't wait to see what happens. Thanks for a good read.

Great start to this story. Please don't wimp-out the husband. He seems like he might be a decent guy. I thought the flow of this story was great. I would love to see much retribution in the next chapter.

Thanks for another great story!

i enjoy your stories if everyone has such great gramar why dont they write instead making fun of your writing. i thnk it great the way it is. thank you.

Excellent work. I think this is the best story you have done to date. I would like to see some tighter editing, but the main thing is to keep writing.

Very good beginning. May we have the remainder of this story, please. PS. Your writing and style are improving with each submission. bob

So far so good. Forgetting the grammar and editing, need to have hubby remember that this is prostitution. She's been giving it up for money. Even if she hasn't the others have. The lawyer and hubby need to get the kids away from such an amoral bitch. Kick her to the curb, or better jail, and hook up with Carol.

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There were some insignificant editing issues with this chapter. I enjoyed, if that is the correct word, the story development. I certainly look forward to chapter 2. Can she talk her way out - why did she stray- is he going to end up with his co-worker. All interesting themes to examine.

Wifey has employment to fall back onto, and no longer his problem, only as much as it affects children

just old folks

... 4 stars. Hope it doesn't turn into "A Bet That Went Bad".

I just reread this story. I see I gave it four stars before. I wish I could change my vote to five stars; this is so much better than most stories in LW.

... I have met Jim and he is I. Panther Fan.

He suspected and then he discovered. Cunt wife was a whore. Let's see what she has to say...

do your best to stay in the lead, TK U MLJ LV NV

the less inspired part would be wife doing lingerie modeling on sly. But Slirpuff so NAILED the mindset of a entitled woman who thinks her monopoly on pussy entitles her to go through the carnal motions- the queen without a crown mentality. If you're going to role-play like that and you have a husband who's doing his duty. BETTER treat him like a king or the alleged peasant will revolt.

This was not entertaining but thanks for the effort. I know how hard it is to write, smile

When did she shave?

What if he took her up on her offer Sat.night? If she was shaved, wouldn't he ask why?

And even if she didn't shave till Sunday, it certainly wouldn't look the same for a LONG time!

Amazing story! The mindsets are perfect, and the ending, while rushed, sealed it all together. Wouldn't change a thing.

before you go to work or come home. TK U MLJ LV NV

She seems so self centered that it's impossible to believe she doesn't float away in her own hot air. And he's so clueless I don't know how he gets dressed in the mornings. Neither one of them was a particularly likeable character. In the end I didn't care what happened to them.

five stars. Thanks.

"But, you mister, smell like my crotch," – Yeah, because he just ate you out, a favor you didn’t really return!

"Jim I know we haven't been that close lately, but your comment last night was uncalled for," she began. "I never give you pity sex. I always enjoy sex with you," – That’s such total bullshit! To call his BIRTHDAY sex “pity sex” would be a compliment!

And what’s with the “third person” comment about her “getting her sexual releases elsewhere”? As a third person remark it’s assumed to be a fact.

And more weird person shifts!

How could a woman live with a man for that long and not have the slightest sense that he must be suspicious that she was fucking someone else?

Not fucking likely.

That, her sexual reactions and total absence of guilt makes the whole fucking story hollow... totally lacking in anything that resembles reality.

WITHING YOUR DUMBAS COMMENTS WHEN YOUFUCKING KNOW YOU LOVE THESE STORIES. How that asshole of LIT for yell back at your dumb ass. 5 to offset your old ugly lonely fat fag ass!!

How could a man live with a women who did what she did and kids to boot. She is either a moron or a slut.

still gave it a 5 for the work. I understand his reasons for everything, but not hers. I can also see there is a need for more communication between them. Is she getting her sexual needs met elsewhere? Although that is stated, it's not in the story, Especially when during birthday fuck, she did say well if your going to whine about it.

Every one of these stories has the husband beating the wife to the bank and taking out 50% of their savings and other financial moves. But I know of a few women who began cheating on their husbands and started systematically draining the joint savings and checking accounts and either opening up her own checking account in another bank or putting the cash she drained from their accounts into a safety deposit box listed in her maiden name in another bank. For once I would like to see how a cuckolded husband handles his situation where the money is no longer within his grasp.

Even if she was not screwing in room 109, her heart was elsewhere and cheating was on her mind. Plus she had to know what it would look like when he found out. No she already killed the marriage for excitement (that he was not providing that she figures she's entitled too) and some cash.

And what if those models get busted for prostitution - don't think her kids would be shamed/embarrassed much less other family and her husband. Well he's just not good enough - he needs to move on, no mater how she justifies it.

Two things that bother me about most of these stories is that the husband ALWAYS beats the wife to the bank. In real life, it is the wife who little-by-little drains the assets. Also, why is the husband always stupid enough to delete voicemails and texts from his wife that would help his case. That makes all husbands look like morons. By the way, I never give 5 stars to an uncompleted work. Do you pay full price to a construction company when all they have finished is the foundation and framework?

Let's see where it goes.

Yeah, nothing like a clueless husband that's in denial!

Why is the lingerie at Irene's?.Why is Lisa not providing on the day at the location,like happens at all other modelling events?.

Let's see how Irene explains this one. Great start.

Had the makings of a good story and then ended. Did the author get tired of writing and give up?

He was too quick

Again 4 stars

Too fast. Not enough pain for the slut.

This is good. Well worth hanging on for another chapter.

The week before the Sunday that he followed them, why didn't he just take the damn lingerie and hide it? It would have been a good move, and made Irene come to him. Either that or she would have had to cancel what she was doing. Eliminating the lingerie was the right first move for Jim.

This.one would.be awfully hard to explain for anyone, let alone a woman already on a short leash.

Another stupid husband...why it took him this long

Talk about being in the dark. Enterprising wife, sexy lingerie with a little sex on the side. Can't wait to hear her explanation, a little bored maybe-good excuse as any I guess. Good story

The ending was way too abrupt. How does the divorce play out? Does the husband-Jim ever talk to his wife Irene? Does she try to explain to her husband? Too much detail or explanation was left out. A short sequel would be greatly appreciated. It was a very good story until the sudden halt.

Don't People Bother

To look to see if there are other chapters to a story Before they comment asking questions about what happened and how the ",,,ending was way too abrupt.", especially when in the title it states this is Chapter 1? No wonder so many times I have to qustion myself trying to decide if we've even read the same story. Signed: BTW

Don't ever get married, it's too much heartache and the kids will hate you when its over. Good writing

Just too unbelievable that husband was so clueless or that you would have the "parties" on Sunday afternoon.

Also don't like husbands who run away and get drunk whenever something bad happens.

Just a lot of cliches and nothing worthwhile,

He should have grabbed the bag of lingerie and see if she her reaction!

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"Irene had also noticed the change; from the jovial Jim to 'Attila the Hun,' but wasn't sure why." - Is she unconscious?

Great first chapter, I’m anxious to start reading the second one. Very well written.

Interesting, very interesting.

Thanks for writing.

It was good but should not have been written in the first person as it had the MC at times narrating events which he had not been present to witness.

What a little wimphe is. Deleting all the messages not listening. Running away. What a dirty little cockwomble. He doesn't deserve a wife

He's more than a little dense but did a good job exposing her.

HE SHOULD have waited for a high bidder to take in the next room, give 5 min the bust in camera rolling.

Good story. He saw the outfits in her closet, & when the weekend didn't work out as planned, maybe he should've taken one of the racier outfits when she said she's helping her friend in her new business. Showing the outfit, "I wonder what business she's into! You ignored my BD, so give my regards to your boyfriend. I found these by accident looking for a picture from our wedding album. Anyway, I know now why things've been off between us." B4 the speech, he would've taken pictures of those racy "clothes". Then, of course, what the author said & the surprise/ shock was also good. 4 stars on a good part 1 Bob

Just how big isthat motel room?

Irene the trailer trash. His bastard parents can keep the whore

Someone further down commented that this should not have told in the first person as it had the MC narrating events he hadn't been present to witness. It also had him at one point narrating thoughts that were going through his wife's head. Very poor indeed and could only have been made worse if he had died but was continuing to tell the story. I realise that this is a free site and the authors are not professionals but come on, put some thought into what you and eliminate pathetic mistakes like those.

Alrighty, the wife becomes a whore, but why?

Seems like the hubby hasn't been paying enough attention and doing his duties.

At least he didn't want to watch or get videi/pictures, so he not the typical American cuck fetishist that are so often portrayed in these stories.

What a dumb asshole Jim

Why do bitches at work interfere with the boss's married life, like his cunt pa

It took you a rather long time to get to the reveal here and I don't think that it was all interesting to read. You probably could have shortened it up a bit? 4/5