A Blind Date for the Holidays

"Trish," my former roommate began with forced patience. "You've always had a thing for brunettes, especially the hot ones. It was one of the reasons why I thought you and Billie might get along."

"I did not have a thing for Joyce!" I cried in denial, but the scary part was that now, looking back, maybe I did. I mean, I certainly didn't have feelings for her like I did Billie, but I do remember thinking that she was very attractive. And if I were being completely honest, the way she stared at me at times did make me uncomfortable.

"She stopped visiting not long after you started dating Jimmy."

Did I really only go out with poor Jimmy to avoid Joyce? It didn't seem right, but then again, nice guy or not, he really wasn't my type. We never really got serious.

"By the way, you did more than just fall into relationships with guys because of your attraction to girls. Let's not forget Dickhead Derek." That name brought back bad memories.

"You promised never to bring him up again!" Derek was a complete and total jerk. He was also my only one-night stand. It ended up being a horrible mistake, as if those things ever ended up differently.

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," Janet retorted, and before I could ask what he had to do with anything she added, "Claire the Slut."

Claire was an English girl who was studying a year abroad our sophomore year. She cut a swathe through the popular guys on campus and had actually moved on to some of the more adventurous girls just before the end of the year.

"I do remember her taking an interest in me, but I figured I was just at the right place at the right time," I shrugged. "And it's not like I was interested in her."

"Interested as in wanting a relationship with? No, definitely not," Janet agreed, but she wasn't quite done yet. "On the other hand, she was hot and her hitting on you got to you, even if you couldn't admit it at the time. Why else would you grab hold of a jerk like Derek and drag him off to his dorm room?"

"I did not drag..." I began, but then paused as thoughts and memories flew through my head. I was pretty drunk at the time and always thought Derek took advantage of that, but now that Janet brought up Claire, I do remember wanting to get away from her. I groaned. "Please tell me I don't owe Derek an apology after all these years?"

"Definitely not," she snorted. "He went willingly enough. He got better than he deserved."

"What does any of this have to do with you trying to talk to me?" I asked, afraid she'd bring up another example. I don't think I could survive another one of those. I was already completely mortified.

"Just that you were in such deep denial that you'd throw yourself at a less than ideal guy rather than admit you liked girls. What chance did I have of trying to get you to admit what you were?" It was a fair question, I guess. "Not that I didn't try, but I was subtle at first, knowing it wouldn't go over well."

"Well, you were so subtle that I missed it completely."

"Was I?" she retorted. "Or did you just find ways of misinterpreting what I was hinting out, or better yet, blocking it out altogether?" She paused for a moment and let that sink in before adding, "It wasn't until that conversation junior year that I got frustrated and just came out with it."

"Now that conversation I remember!"

"Do you?" she asked. "Because according to Billie you said I accused you of being a lesbian, you denied it emphatically and that was the end of it."

"Well, I don't remember exactly what we said. We were both pretty drunk, but I think that was the extent of the conversation."

"We weren't that drunk," she disagreed, watching me carefully as she added, "And you threatened to move out if I didn't back off."

"I did not!" I cried, honestly not remembering doing so. Then again, why would Janet lie?

"Trish honey, I'm not sure you realize just how traumatic is was to you when your cousin came out and your family disowned him." Janet's tone had gentled considerably. She was clearly worried about how I'd take what she was saying. "You were just a kid. Hell, so was he! Despite that, the bulk of your family chose to abandon him. Can you think a worse fear for a child to have?"

I didn't answer immediately. Instead, I thought back to the day where, for all intents and purposes, I lost a cousin and my favorite aunt and uncle. I was only ten at the time, but I remembered not understanding and being shocked by my parents' reaction. I mean, Justin was never one of their favorites nephews because he was always a little odd, but to disown him and talk about him like he was dead?

Families weren't supposed to do that. The good ones on television never did, but apparently mine did. Only, I did have good family. My parents were always there for me, even when I was at my worst they were loving and supportive in their way. At ten, it was difficult for me to understand that people, even my parents, weren't perfect. That they could disown someone they supposedly loved.

"I was confused and frightened," I finally said, talking slowly. "It wasn't the fact that my parents were against homosexuality that scared me so much. I was too young to fully understand what that meant. It was the fact that they refused to talk to Justin or even my aunt Ellen and uncle Teddy ever again. Families had disagreements, some heated, but they were supposed to forgive or look past those differences."

"But in this case, yours didn't."

"No, they didn't," I agreed sadly. "And that scared me. The easiest way to deal with it was to just block it out." I fell silent, trying to absorb what I'd learned, but Janet wasn't done yet.

"And to make sure you never did anything that would make your family abandon you." Her words hit me almost like a physical blow.

I'd always hated what happened to Justin and what it meant about my family, but I never realized just how much it affected me directly. I was only in fifth grade at the time. That was young to start dating, but some of the girls were already focused on boys. I remember being ambivalent toward them at the time. That changed after my family disowned my cousin.

"I'm nearly twenty-five and I'm still scared to death of being abandoned by my parents."

"Exactly!" the diminutive redhead said emphatically, taking my hand in hers. "Which brings us to what happened today." I thought I understood.

"I was overwhelmed by the thought of coming out in such a big way to so many people." She squeezed my hand gently in support. That's why I was so surprised by what she said next.

"Bullshit." Janet sounded surprisingly calm. "You admitted you were a lesbian to Arlene and her friends, and you barely knew them. You went on a date with Billie in public and even kissed her on the dance floor of one of the most popular clubs in town." She paused to give me a few seconds to absorb what she was trying to tell me.

"Honey, you're not afraid of the idea of coming out. Frankly, Billie has you so deliriously happy that you want to shout it to anyone willing to listen. It wasn't facing Billie's friends that scared you. It wasn't even the people at work finding out." I groaned to myself as I realized she was right.

"It's the possibility of my family finding out. It's the fear that they would do the same thing to me as they did to Justin. That they'll disown me." I paused briefly, shaking my head. "I mean, I knew that was one of the reasons I was having such difficulties, but what you're saying is that it's the only reason. It's what's stopping me from accepting what I am."

"I'm sure there were a lot of reasons initially, but at this point? Yes, it's the only reason you still can't get passed."

"And if I don't, I'm going to lose Billie and a chance at happiness I've only dreamed about."

Janet didn't bother answering. There was no need. She got up and went to the kitchen with her glass, giving me time to think. I remained on the couch and smiled to myself when I heard the water turn on. Janet never liked leaving dirty dishes in the sink. It felt oddly satisfying to hear her doing something so normal, at least for her.

"I need to get back to the party," she said when she rejoined me. Janet was a good friend. I'm sure she wanted to check on Billie. "And you need to think. Call me later if you want to talk."

"Thanks," I said, meaning it more than I could express. Janet, being my best friend, understood.

"I'm going to be here until after the Holidays," she smiled as she walked to my door. "I already told Billie to include me in any plans she has for dinner on your birthday, but if you and she don't work it out, then plan on me taking you out all by my lonesome." I didn't trust the way she said that.

"You will not throw me a party!"

"Of course not," she said, far too agreeable as she opened the door. "I mean, who would I invite? It's not like I know anyone out here other than Billie." She paused. I was betting it was strictly for effect. I was proven right a moment late when she added, "Oh wait, I'm originally from out here so I actually know quite a few people."

"Well, I don't!"

"That depends on how things go between you and Billie, doesn't it?" I opened my mouth to argue, but she cut me off. "By the way, nice hickey." I was so shocked that she left my apartment before I could come up with a decent comeback. I could hear my best friend laughing as she moved down the hallway.

Janet seemed in an awfully good mood considering that she'd left me with a very difficult decision. I'd told Billie Friday night that I was done running from her, but then made her think it was a lie when I refused to go with her to the party today. Only, that wasn't what this was. I wasn't running from her. I wanted Billie in my life. Frankly, it was more of a need. Still, could I chance giving up my parents for her? I wasn't a child any more, but they were my family.

I couldn't keep Billie a secret. I mean, I guess I could try for a time, especially with a her having a name like Billie, but that wouldn't be fair to her. She deserved better.

Chapter Ten

"Okay, who is it?"

"Who is what?" I asked my mother in confusion. I'd called mom reluctantly. Today had been one of the most difficult in my life. My head was still spinning, although it certainly was in a more controlled manner since Janet's visit. I was in no mood to talk to mom, but it was Sunday night and she'd worry if I didn't call.

I tried getting her to video conference when I first moved, but she wasn't comfortable with that so we generally only spoke via phone. Tonight, that was a good thing. If she saw my face then she'd know I'd been crying and that would lead to all kinds of questions.

"There's a man in your life. I can hear it in your voice." We'd been talking for nearly twenty minutes before she dropped this on me.

"Mom, there's no man." It was the truth, but that didn't stop me from blushing because I knew what she was getting at. Mom has a sixth sense when it came to stuff like this. It was yet another reason to be thankful she didn't like video conferencing. The blush would have been a dead giveaway.

"I can't believe you had to go across the country to meet 'the one'." Mom either hadn't heard me or simply chose to ignore my denial.

"The one what?"

"The one who completes you. Your soulmate." Mom's matter of fact tone didn't help. She was a firm believer in the concept of there being the perfect person out there for everyone. Someone you were destined to spend the rest of your life with.

My brothers and I used to make fun at her because of it when we were younger. Mike stopped when he met Tammy. Paul not long afterward when he started dating Cheryl. Sean was still skeptical outwardly, but I knew he at least half believed. I never really believed in the concept, but I understood why they did.

In both my older brothers' cases mom called it the moment she saw my two brothers after they met their future wives for the first time. Sean was still single, but seeing how happy our older brothers were clearly affected him and his belief in mom's ability to see 'the one' for her children.

It was different for me. I guess as bad as I wanted to find a guy to complete me, I just could never really picture it. And yet, here mom was telling me over the phone that I'd met my soulmate. The weird part was that as I pictured Billie's smile, I couldn't deny it despite still not really believing.

Part of me wished I could. If mom was right and Billie really was my 'one' then there would be no decision for me to make. That thought made me smile. What a relief that would be.

"Patricia, are you still there?" Mom's question should have brought me back to myself, but I found myself continuing to revel in the idea that Billie was my 'one'. The more I thought about it, the harder it was to deny.

I'd known I was falling for Billie. I was even willing to admit that I was in love her, at least to myself, but this was different. According to mom a soulmate was someone that only came along once in a lifetime. I'm sure in her mind it would have to be someone of the opposite sex, but what if it wasn't that simple? What if...not only did my heart beat pick up considerably, but suddenly it felt like it was lodged in my throat.

I'd been so focused on my sexuality and how it would affect my family that I'd been acting like I actually had a choice in all of this. Only, if mom was right and Billie was my soulmate, did I really? Maybe that's why Janet had been laughing when she left. Maybe she already knew that there was no real decision for me to make.

It's not like I hadn't been already leaning toward chancing my family's reaction anyway. I was scared to death of losing them, but I wasn't a child anymore and as the day wore on, I realized that the thought of giving up Billie was damn near impossible. Mom always swore that when you met the one nothing else mattered. I understood what she meant for the first time in my life.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, fighting to calm my thoughts. My mother had called me out and I couldn't avoid the truth any longer. I wasn't just attracted to Billie. I wasn't just in love with her. I still wasn't sure if I believed in the concept of a soulmate, but there was no denying that Billie was the one person on the planet who completed me. The irony of the fact that it was my mother who was forcing me to see it wasn't lost on me.

The question was, did that change anything? The answer came to me slowly, but when it finally hit me, I couldn't help but smile. It didn't change anything. It changed everything, at least for me, not that I was ready to admit it to my mother just yet. By the same token, I refused to lie to her.

"Mom, there's no man in my life."

"Fine," she replied, obviously annoyed. "Keep him a secret for the time being, but I expect you to at least hear about him at Christmas. Feel free to bring him home with you." She paused, giving me a chance to respond, but I didn't say anything. It wasn't my fault my mother was too narrow minded to understand the deeper meaning in my words. Mom's annoyance grew and she added, "I'd better be going."

"Goodnight mom. Love you. Send dad and the rest of the family my love too."

"Goodnight, Patricia." She clearly wasn't happy with me as she hung up. Then again, it wasn't like she would have been in a better mood if I told her the full truth.

I would have to do so eventually. The problem was that I had no idea how I was going to tell her when the time came, but I'd have to find a way and then see what happened. Of course, first I had to tell Billie and that was scary enough. I knew Billie cared for me, but we'd only known each other for a couple of weeks. What if she didn't feel the same way?

It was only seven o'clock. The party was probably still going on. I actually thought about going over, but quickly decided that was a bad idea. I'd been crying and was exhausted. I'm sure I looked terrible, but more to the point, I needed to talk to Billie alone before anything else happened. I figured the best option was to wait until after the party was over to call Billie. A part of me hoped she'd call me first, but I knew she wouldn't with the way I'd left things.

I was too tired to do anything productive so I decided to watch a movie. I could have put on one of the streaming sites on my smart television in the living room, but I wanted to watch one of my older favorites that none of them had. The tv in my bedroom had a CD player in it. I put in the disk and got comfortable in bed. It was already undone after all. The next thing I knew I was waking up feeling surprisingly good.

"A nap was exactly what I needed," I said to myself as I reached for my phone to check the time. I was hoping it wasn't too late to call Billie. "Holy cow!" It was five-thirty in the morning. I'd slept through the night. "So much for calling Billie."

I felt terrible that she spent the evening not knowing what I was thinking, but there was nothing I could do about that now. It was still early to be getting up for work, but I was wide awake so I got out of bed and decided to take a shower.

I took more time with my makeup than I usually did, especially for a Monday morning, but I had the time so why not? I also put on one of my favorite outfits. It was a green dress that I didn't typically wear to work. It wasn't that it was too casual or dressy. It was that it showed off more of my curves than I typically liked at the office.

Usually, I wore clothes that minimized my chest. I paused and looked at myself in the mirror. The woman staring back at me was smiling. I looked good, sexy even.

"And why not?" my reflection asked. "A lesbian can be sexy. Billie does it every day. Although, she could probably pull it off wearing a potato sack." I paused, but didn't lose my smile as I repeated what I'd inferred more directly, "I am a lesbian." My smile actually grew wider.

There was definitely something different about the woman in the mirror. She looked more confident, surer of who she was. Maybe I wasn't who I expected to be growing up, but so what? Did anyone really end up being who they thought they would be when they were kids?

It took finding Billie to help me realize that. Well, that and a stubborn best friend who came up with a ridiculous plan to set me up on a blind date with someone who was the 'wrong' sex. Now that I thought about it, my refusal to accept who and what I was gave a whole new meaning to term 'blind' date.

I'd worked hard since I was ten years old keeping myself in the dark about one of the basic truths about myself. I was done doing that.

"I am a lesbian and proud of it!" I saw my reflection rolled her eyes, which made me laugh. "Okay, maybe that's a little much, but the bottom line is that I'm done being embarrassed or afraid because of my sexual preference. I am who I am." I wasn't surprised that my reflection nodded in agreement.

"You know what that means, don't you?" I added a moment later with a rather melodramatic sigh. The face in the mirror looked equally annoyed. "Janet was right." I paused briefly and then both my reflection and I said together, "The bitch!"

We laughed briefly before I shook my head. "We really have to stop meeting like this." I knew it was a little crazy talking to myself this way and I was pretty sure I wouldn't need to anymore now that I'd come to a decision about my life.

"Wanna bet?" my reflection grinned, making me laugh once more. "I guess this is just another part of the new crazy that is me. I hope Billie can cope with it."

Thoughts of Billie made me check the time. It was only seven. I could get to my office in fifteen minutes most days. That was a major selling point for me taking this apartment in the first place. There was no way I was going to go in that early. Besides, I'd spent Saturday catching up on my projects so there was no need.