All Comments on 'A College Boyfriend Draft'

Got to 6'4 and 275 lbs for a field goal kicker and didn't bother with anything more. There is a difference between fiction and ridiculous.

I'm only on page 2 but had to jump to the comments what the hell happened to if anyone harms one of the.girls they get punished

Currently in CFB the OT rules there is no game clock. It goes by alternating, switching possessions until there is winner. Way better rule than the NFL.

Sebastian Janikowski is an NFL kicker that is 6'2" and 260 lbs. So not terribly out of the range of plausibility, but there were other issues with this story besides this detail.

what a great story

Especially really liked where mom was brought in and shared, and where mom joins in with both of them and the sex slave!

Second time I've read this and I really think it is your best story. Hell I would have loved a bit more even. Thanks for writing it.

being beaten up to the woman's satisfaction. All women will suspend sexual favors until the sentence has been carried out. ..."

I mean, seriously? The wrist burns from the ropes would've been enough to qualify as "hurting a woman" per the terms of the agreement, but even if those are disregarded the black eye is indisputably a result of abuse and violent assault. But no consequences followed. It looks like the rest of the story is better, but that's a really silly oversight...and it's rather frustrating to me as a reader.

This is the third story of yours I have read. I want to give you some honest advice on how to make stories better. This one is a great idea and has great potential. A common problem I have found when reading incest stories is how to deal with the person that feels guilt but still participate, while keeping the story going. You did a better job then some, but the way you did it made the story to unrealistic. The first time waking up to being ridden and continuing is ok, and I can even handle Mikey going along with the training. The problem starts with his depression. At the end of chapter 6 Mikey is on a downward spiral of depression, he's pissed at his sister and Linda for trading boyfriends, its obvious he Liked Linda and thought Incest is wrong, So while Mikey understands Jan couldn't keep the abusive QB, to him he loses twice. First a girl he liked and could fuck regularly and second gets stuck with someone, who in his mind he can't fuck because it would be incest. Mikey avoids his sister as much as possible so he doesn't see the constant reminder of why he's abstinent. On top of that he hears all the locker room talk of the sex those in the club are having. After the shower is where it goes WRONG. She has the blade, so what happens in the shower, that part is ok but once Mikey enters the kitchen they should have had, at the very least, a blowout argument. Jan didn't have him trapped in the shower so unless she had a gun or something he could get away from her. When Jan tells him to deal with her nudity, with his mental state being what it was, he should have yelled at her, told her how crazy she is acting. When she starts talking about having sex with him he comes back with "you going to rape me AGAIN to fix how you've fucked up my life!" This should upset her and end this part. He could start working out again just to stay away from her, then lock his bedroom door at night, start locking the bathroom door also. Give them a couple days apart then she can wait for him to come home and she can plead with him to talk to her so she can apologize, During this, they have a heart to heart talk where Mikey starts to realize he has feelings for her so even though he feels the guilt its not as bad as before all of this. Next Mikey meets Josh at that practice and he see what lengths she has gone through for him, when he cries its because he realizes he LOVES her. He should initiate the play in the restaurant... till the bottom falls out again, when he find out his mom knows most of the incest they have done. The next two sentences even without MY changes make no sense.

"Dinner came and is delicious. They do Lasagna perfect, the spaghetti sauce is always too watery and makes a mess, the cannoli are to die for."

At this point he's feeling guilt, depression, and fear. If he could even eat it, it should be tasteless to him or he would know its good but can't enjoy it. DELICIOUS describes joy of what your consuming, and describing the lasagna as TOO water and messy does not sound PERFECT to me.

Back to Mikey, the spooning that night I can deal with, its comfort not sex. The blowjob the next morning should take some convincing maybe, Jan says somethimg about mom being ok with it, hint at somethings, begrudgingly and horny he allows it.

Game time: Paul injured... touchdown. Mikey kicks EP runs to sideline. Here I would have abusive QB call Mikey a pussy or something to piss him off and focus him. So after kickoff him shouldering the guy coming at him makes more sense. The rest of the weekend seems out of sequence and I think there should be a hint of incest in mom's past weather it's crushes on family or even just light experimenting with a family member as a teen during her explanation. This would show why she is OK with whats been going on and why she wants to be a part of it.

Now for Linda and the 'black mail'. She in fact does NOT want to blackmail them, but if she has to, to get what she wants she will. So that line should be 'I might have to blackmail the both of you.' This would still allow the rest of the conversation to proceed as written and would flow better.* all the Princess Bride references are a nice touch I like the movie too* Aftercare in the BDSM world should always be high priority. 20 minutes after a bad experience is too long a wait. she should have sent Mikey up with the cold towels before going to get the cream and then she should be in the room during the massage and talking and softly ordering her to blow Mikey afterwards instead of a note. Finally I doubt a kicker with only 3 years would immediately be going into the NFL hall of fame at 25 after finishing collage before drafting would make him 22 when starting in the NFL and I dont know of anyone that retires and enters hall of fame the same year. I hope you see what I have written as a help, thanks for the stories and I hope you write more.

While I am perfectly fine with readers offering suggestions and light critiquing of an authors stories on this site I find it in extremely poor taste to utterly destroy a "writers" work when they are nothing but a reader, and one with poor comprehension skills to boot.

Without going into great detail but enough to make you think a bit harder before crashing someone that actually has stories published on this site as opposed to writing on their bio about how they are "going" to publish a story. I myself have no work published on this site. But I do have some on another site that caters to different tastes.

That being said; you critique what was written about the dinner, you wrote:

"Dinner came and is delicious. They do Lasagna perfect, the spaghetti sauce is always too watery and makes a mess, the cannoli are to die for."

At this point he's feeling guilt, depression, and fear. If he could even eat it, it should be tasteless to him or he would know its good but can't enjoy it. DELICIOUS describes joy of what your consuming, and describing the lasagna as TOO water and messy does not sound PERFECT to me."

This is what was written: "Dinner came and is delicious. They do Lasagna perfect, the spaghetti sauce is always too watery and makes a mess, the cannoli are to die for. Through dessert, I go to work on Jan's pussy with just two fingers. She is between me and the wall, nobody can see her. However, she is so wet they can probably all hear the squishing sounds. She melts in my arms. Luckily, very few people are near us and those that are, smile.

We go home and immediately Jan strips her clothes off. I kind of like that. We both have homework, we go to our bedrooms. I finish my homework, it is late, I strip and go to bed. Twenty minutes later Jan walks into my dark room, gets in bed and moves to a spoon position. She pulls my arms around her and places my hands on her boobs.

Quietly she says, "Good night Mikey."

I don't know about Jan, but I went to sleep with a smile on my face."

Here's the problem with your critique. HE didn't order spaghetti because it was too watery; he ordered baked lasagna and they both had cannon which were delicious, so HIS food tasted great regardless of you thinking he was depressed (how could he be, he just met an NFL kicker who gave him pointers that had him kicking better than ever) which is revealed in the next couple of paragraphs when he said, "I don't know about Jan, but I went to sleep with a smile on my face." Certainly doesn't sound unhappy to me.

Second: You wrote" Finally I doubt a kicker with only 3 years would immediately be going into the NFL hall of fame at 25 after finishing collage before drafting would make him 22 when starting in the NFL and I dont know of anyone that retires and enters hall of fame the same year."

He wrote: "It's now 25 years later. I am standing at a podium about to give my Pro Football Hall of Fame induction speech."

25 YEARS LATER he's at the podium, he's not 25 years old. Like I said, reading comprehension!

Then you wrote, "I hope you see what I have written as a help, thanks for the stories and I hope you write more."

Good grief, if he follows YOUR help he may as well stop now as you've never started. But at least after beating his work up you thank him and hope he writes more. No doubt so you can feed your BDSM need.

BigMadStork: Loved the story, yes there were some small issues, what written work doesn't? Keep it up, I'm just beginning to read all your stuff.

I completely enjoyed this story. Big thumbs up

In my opinion, the story was going good until you started with the bsdm. I am not into that, I hate any man who would hit or abuse a woman, I would cut their dick and balls off and feed it to them and any woman who enjoys abusing women I would superglue her pussy and asshole shut.

I like story but I also not into bsdm .

A bit of light hearted rubbish. Though the Linda character was not necessary, nor the BDSM rubbish to make the story work.

Because of that 4/5 NOT 5/5

As I have read several of your stories. Your format is great! Your stories flow and are believable if one remembers it is good fiction not fact.

Thank you your stories are funfor this 76 yo widower who misses my life partner!

This was the last story of yours that I had left to read, I'm not sure why I never got around to reading it before now, it may have been the beginning description of the draft. I am glad I did get to it and although I didn't think it was as good as many of your other stories, I still found it to be a fun read. If some people thought the bdsm was bad here, I would hate to see their comments in some of your other stories. Please keep writing because I'm sure you have very many fans.

Present tense or past tense. Pick one and stay with it. If you don't know what that means, either find someone to do your editing and proof reading or go back to Elementary school.

I liked the story. It was fun but it could have been better. You have a great imagination and story telling ability but I have to say the writing style reminded me of someone listing off a grocery list or something. Your good story has the potential of being a great story but you really need an editor to clean up the language as well as other issues.

The idea is very interesting.

But it's hard to say anything about implementation.

I'm not talking about literacy. I'm talking about the logic of events. Everything seems to be right, but some details are missing. Especially with Linda.

Why would I Jan even consider the best aspect after the first time with the dick she drafted and what happened with Linda after school

Very well done, thank you! 5 BIG FAT FLUFFY STARS!

What a great story, well written with great character development. Well done 5++++++stars

I really enjoyed reading the story. Even though it would of been nice to continue the story through a little more of college life, being drafted by the pro’s, Jan’s career and maybe highlight a few events that had taken place during his pro football career, I’m glad you concluded the story. ;-p

That was a very fun story to read. Imaginative and well written. Thank you for your time and talent. DMW

Didn't like your sister making a slave of Linda. Mom needed to get her own man/woman partners. Story started out unique and original then ended on a usually common theme. Story held my attention till Jan got cocky.

I enjoyed the storyf9r a bit, but it went from taboo flirty fantasy to full on hardcore fakeness by the end. I still gave it a decent rating, but I wish it ended when he and sister became a confirmed item.