A Space Oddity Too

"I will," Layla promised. And we slept...

Past participants

Early daylight peeped shyly through the hut's grimy window as I awoke and I could feel Princess Layla stirring beside me. She reached out for her chastity belt saying: "I'd better slip this on in case anyone comes. We don't want to be caught in flagrante. That means—"

"I know what it means," I told her, "I've got a pile of t-shirts to prove it."

She grinned sheepishly as she stood to gird her loins. "Sorry, Jaimie Pond, I'm so used to dealing with ignorant minions." I noticed that the side buns of her hair had become loosened in the night and she looked quite cute with them dangling down to touch her nipples. The chastity belt closed with a snap and the secret catch was completely invisible. The princess crawled back under the blankets. "It's still a bit chilly out here so we can at least cuddle to keep warm until the sun comes up fully."

We snuggled together for about ten minutes and I think I was just dozing off again when there was a terrible crash! as the door was kicked in. A massive shadow was silhouetted in the doorway and a cultured voice boomed out: "Freeze, assholes!"

I sat up and was grabbing for the Desert Beagle when I realised I recognised the voice. "Sweary?"

"Why, it's Jaimie Pond!" The giant robot sounded pleased to see me.

I got to my feet. First things first. "How's my Felice?" I asked, "Is she okay now?"

"Your Felice is right here!" my darling snapped as she moved out from behind Sweary to confront me. "And she's in better shape than you're likely to be. How long she remains your Felice and how long you keep your health depends on your explanation for this." She waved her Laserblaster under my nose. "What are you doing naked and under the blankets with this woman?"

Felice's back was turned towards Princess Layla who was also standing now, a blanket wrapped around her. Layla gave me a sly wink and then came over all royal and haughty (if it was an act, it was a damned good one). "Who is this person, Agent Pond?"

"This is my partner, Agent Lightener, Your Highness."

"Highness?"

"Yes, Felice, Highness. Our mission's been successful or it will be once we're back on Earth. This is Princess Layla."

"Still doesn't explain why the two of you are naked under the blankets," Felice muttered sulkily.

"My dear Agent Lightener," said Layla, "We are naked because that pervert Buggah The Krutch has all his prisoners stripped bare and their garments destroyed to humiliate them. And we were under the blankets together because it gets damnably cold here at night. Huddling together seemed the best way to keep warm. You didn't think that I'd stoop to carnal knowledge with a mere commoner, Double Oooh agent or not?"

"Well, I..."

"Unthinkable!" Princess Layla laughed merrily. "I am a Peerless Princess of the Royal House of Landstroller, sworn to remain virgo intacta until such time as I am paired in marriage with a person of equal or superior rank, gender immaterial. Besides, even had I been so inclined, there's this." She threw her blanket aside and pointed."

Eyes wide, Felice said: "Is that a genuine chastity belt?"

"It is."

I thought I'd never see it but Felice actually blushed a little. "Tell me, Highness, there's something I've always wanted to know—how do you... er..."

Layla leaned forward and whispered.

"Oh. Well, that explains that..."

"I, too, would like to know how you... er..." said Sweary, "But as I'm only a robot you'll probably tell me to mind my own fucking business."

As always after these little contretemps, Felice flung herself at me. "Forgive me, Jaimie." Hugs and kisses. Crisis over.

"Here, what about Buggah The Krutch?" asked Felice when she stopped kissing me, "We've just come through the main hall and there's no sign or him... or it... There are a lot of unconscious bodies lying around and dozens of empty cloud-rum bottles—looks like they'll be out cold for hours yet. But no sign of Buggah."

"Don't worry about him," I assured her, "I'm not recommending you to do this but if you went down to the shore you'll probably see a mob of flesh-rending sea-monsters suffering from severe cases of indigestion. Buggah's followers weren't too happy when they found out he wore false tusks so they took him for a one-way trip to the seaside. I'll tell you all about it later. Right now we'd better think about getting out of here. Felice, take Princess Layla to the landing area and find an air-car big enough for the four of us—to hell with government regulations. Sweary, stay here with me."

When the two had departed, I said to Sweary: "Those heat beams of yours, could they destroy a small spaceship and a load of air-cars?"

"No problem, Jaimie Pond, I could destroy a city if necessary. Lead me to these vehicles and I'll shit all over the them!"

I wondered if he actually understood the meaning of the word seeing that for him it was an impossibility. He probably did as his positronic programming was supposed to be at genius level. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and took it that he meant the word symbolically. Ah, there was something else... "Sweary, as a matter of interest, where did you learn how to kick doors in and shout 'Freeze, assholes!'?"

"Agent Felice told me that was the correct way to do it. Why, did I do something wrong, Jaimie Pond?"

"No, no, you did just great," I assured him, "but in future only do it if we tell you to." Felice—I should have known. She just loves Crime-, Police- and Noir-Touchy-Feelies, especially those starring Flint Westward. I sometimes think she's learned more about law enforcement from his Feelies than she ever has from me. "Okay, Sweary, let's get down to that landing field."

"I'm right behind you, Double Oooh Eleven," said the robot, "Let's get down there and kick some arse!"

* * * * *

There's not a lot more to tell. Felice had selected a large Rolls-Royce air-car. She indicated Layla. "She is a princess after all, Jaimie, so she deserves to be rescued in style." I couldn't argue with that and I like my comfort too.

It was impressive watching Sweary in action. He set his heat beams to wide action and turned them on all the gangsters' vehicles. First they glowed dull red, then fiery white, and eventually they were just huge heaps of unrecognisable molten metal. Shame about the Rolls but that would have to go the same way once we were back at our spaceship. Anyway, I'm sure some of the peasants (oh, sorry, the developmentally disadvantaged indigenes) would find a use for the scrap metal.

At our space-craft, Layla asked if she could travel in hibernation as she suffered horribly during hyper-space jumps. Sounded like a good idea to me: that way there'd be no danger of either of us mentioning our night in the store-room.

Princess Layla was safely settled in the hibernation unit and in a deep sleep while Felice and I decided we'd like to have a final hour or so of fresh air before embarking. Having checked over the outside of the ship to ensure all was well, Sweary went aboard to check the essential operating systems. Before boarding, he set a protective force-field about us "...just in case, Jaimie Pond..."

I realised that Felice was still a little bit sniffy about the Princess so I told her a few things that I thought she should know (but not that!). I mentioned that Layla yearned for adventure, that she wearied of the tedious life that an accident of birth had condemned her to. I'm almost sure that a tear appeared in Felice's eye when I told her how Princess Layla had been prepared to face a mob of gangsters to protect me.

Felice was quiet for a while, mulling this over, then she said: "Guess I'll have to make her an honorary sister, won't I?"

So my lover and I sat together on a grass tussock, holding hands and basking in the dying sunlight. The two of us had a little chuckle as we imagined Kew's face when she saw an unegged me arriving safely home. We gazed adoringly into each other's eyes and didn't notice the stranger until he coughed to attract our attention. Yes, I know, very careless of us as highly-trained secret agents but he did look harmless and we did have the force-field surrounding us.

"I wouldn't sit on that tuffet if I were you," the stranger advised. He was a tall, desiccated old cove with a seamed weather-beaten face like a pissed-off newt, a matted beard that fell past his waist and hair that descended to his buttocks. Dressed in a shabby brown cassock, he wore a pointed hat that had seen far better days and leaned on a stout staff. Strapped around his shoulders was what looked like a lyre.

"And why shouldn't we sit here?" I asked.

"Well, a big spider might come down to sit beside you and frighten you." He thought for a moment then added: "A very big spider. An immense spider."

"Any spider tries to frighten me will find itself short of seven or eight legs," scowled Felice, "and I don't care how big the damned thing is." To emphasise her point, she drew her S&W, twirled it on her trigger-finger and reholstered it.

"As you please," the old man said. He turned to me, face sour. "Your friend seems to be a very aggressive young lady. Even flesh-rending sea-monsters might find her a tough proposition."

"You'd better believe it," I told him.

"Mmm! Tell me, young ladies, that imposing-looking structure behind you... is that a spaceship, a genuine spaceship?"

Quite astute, this old fellow—most Effluvians wouldn't recognise a spaceship if it bit them on the arse. My intelligence-trained mind told me that I should deny it but what else could a long slim rocket-shape with a pointy nose be? A wayside inn? A tent? It wouldn't matter much to admit it. We'd soon be gone from this mediaeval-type planet, for good I hoped, and I doubted they'd be space-age ready for at least another thousand years if then.

"That's right," I admitted, "It's a spaceship. Our spaceship. We're only passing through and we'll be on our way before long."

His grimy, wrinkled face lit up. Now he looked like a slightly less pissed-off newt. "That's wonderful! That gives me an idea for a whole new set of stories for the different villages I visit. Chariot of the Goddess's, I might call the tales." He doffed his shabby hat. "Gambalf the Grimm (Stories While You Wait) at your service. Tell me, have you by any chance got a beautiful princess on board your craft, perhaps a sleeping princess or a princess that you've just rescued from some sort of monster?" Then he shook his head and waved a hand in dismissal. "No, no, that's too much to hope for—I must maintain a level of plausibility in my stories."

Felice and I looked at each other and winked.

At that moment Sweary chose to emerge from the airlock. Gambalf the Grimm's eyes widened as he looked at the robot. " Why, it's the Tin Man. So where's Dorothy hiding, Tin Man?" he asked.

Sweary sighed. "Fuck me," he said, "not another one..."

The End