A Step Too Far

'Thank you' she mouthed to me as Karen stepped up to her. I was a little saddened that there was no attempt from Karen to really hug her Mother, and Sara sensed this and just nodded her head, saying something quietly to herself.

"Patrick! Where are you? Time to go!" I yelled up the stairs. Patrick came out of his room and stomped down the stairs, looking in his usual state of hostility of late. I noticed he didn't have a bag as he strode past me and out the door without even acknowledging his Mother.

I thought he must be going to her car but as we all walked out the front door, we watched as he got on his bike and rode off.

"Patrick what the hell are you doing?" I yelled. "You're Mother's here to take you for the weekend".

"Not interested!!" was all he said as he peddled off. I was a little shocked, but sadly not that surprised. He has been very vocal about not wanting to see his Mother from the outset. Beside me, Karen took my hand as we listened to Sara sobbing loudly as she sat on the front step. I looked at Karen and then at her Mother. Christ! Now what do I do.

"Daddy. I...I don't want to go by myself. What if Mum has those people over and they do stuff. I don't want to be there for that. I don't. I won't go. Please don't make me!" she was almost hysterical now.

I heard a loud gasp and then a shuddering groan of pain and anguish. Shit! This is worse than I thought it would ever be, as I looked over Karen's head to see Sara collapse onto the ground, crying openly now. Obviously she heard what our daughter had said and it devastated her. Fuck me, I'm the one that's supposed to be devastated and curled up in a ball. How dare she take that away from me now as well. Hasn't she already taken enough from me, from us.

"Mommy would never do anything like that while you're with her honey" I stated, calmer than I felt, shooting a quick disgusted look at Sara.

"Oh god, Karen baby, I will never, ever, do anything like that again. I am so sorry for what I've done. Please baby, I love you so much, I would never do that to you" Sara almost wailed.

Karen stood in my arms and took in her Mother contemplatively, "You did it to Dad. You were supposed to love him too, but you did it anyway didn't you Mother" she hissed, before breaking from my grip and storming past the weeping mass of her Mother, now laying head down on the ground.

I watched in silence as she disappeared, before hearing a door slam, and then there was nothing but the heaving sobs of Sara to fill the void. I honestly had no idea what to do here. How do you prepare yourself for all of this upheaval and emotional turmoil, which was caused by the person now having a break down on your front lawn.

I still can't believe that I have managed not to have one myself. Don't get me wrong, I have cried and yelled and wailed and pleaded with any god or power to be that would listen, for this not to be true in any way. But it was. And when I woke every morning, it was all still there and the pain was there and my kids pain was still there, and I had to be there for them.

I should be digging a hole for this...this....this bitch and pushing her into it. She did this. This is all her fault and yet I was the one that had to hold it all together for all of us, even her right now. Fuck sake. I could feel my hands forming fists and releasing as the tension started building in me.

I looked at Sara and took a deep, heavy breath as I approached her. A big part of me felt heart broken for what we had all become. My children's innocence was now lost forever and my life felt desolate as I stood over the person I thought was the love of my life. Tears were streaming down my face.

"I hope you're happy. Maybe your lovers can ease your pain with a good fuck session" I said, my voice devoid of emotion as I stared at her. Sara didn't even look at me as she broke down once again and wailed even louder.

"Go away" I finally said as I walked back in the house and closed the door. It was almost an hour later before I noticed that her sobbing had stopped and then I heard her car pull out of the driveway. In the mean time I had managed to talk to Karen and after many more tears she thought some ice-cream and a movie were a better way of spending her time.

Patrick stayed away most of the day and only returned closer to dinner time. We all sat down and had a talk about what happened that morning and after a lot, and I do mean a lot, of convincing I managed to settle them both down and had a tentative agreement from them to try to be nice to their Mother the next time she was to have them in two weeks' time.

Things sort of returned to an even plain over the next two weeks. The kids returned to school as normal and I went back to work, I did have a business to run, but luckily my staff were able to cover the load while I dealt with things. I had ignored a lot of messages and calls from friends and family as the news filtered down, so I did spend time responding to as many as I could. Daniel and I had a few long chats as I went through some more highs and lows as to be expected. He was a good support, both he and Donna, his wife, and they could not comprehend why Sara did any of this.

Naturally, Beth and Brad were regular visitors to not only my home, but also my work. I could see that they were worried and being supportive. Beth had managed to relax a bit more around me. The fear that I would lapse into more stupidity had diminished, but I knew that she would never let her guard down. As she said, she loved me too deeply and relied on me too much to stop worrying completely.

I just wish she'd give in to Brad and have a couple of kids before it was too late. I also knew that deep down, what had happened with our parents had had a massive impact on her psyche and she feared the same happening to her. It took her a long time to let herself trust someone, but Brad had climbed her defences and won her heart.

Sara's weekend came around again, and again I couldn't look at her without a tear escaping my eye and slipping down my cheek. Sara just looked at the ground after seeing that and waited patiently for the kids.

Although clearly uncomfortable, the kids did eventually get in her car and I watched them leave. Karen was looking down at her lap, while Patrick just stared out of the window bitterly. I now had basically two days to myself and I was even more lost than before. I realised that I had been leaning on the kids for support and love as much as they seemed to lean on me.

I decided to go into the office on the Saturday and catch up on a few things, while Sunday was a minor repairs day around the house. I actually enjoyed my time and was feeling good when I got a lot of those little things done that I'd put off for months. I was cleaned up and watching tv when I heard Sara's car pull into the drive. I opened the door and watched as they all got out of the car together. Pat just walked straight up to me and said hi as he entered the house, not even acknowledging his Mother's, "Bye Pat, I love you!".

I could see the defeat on her face as she sighed, before turning to Karen, who was standing a few feet away. Sara stepped forward with the obvious intent of hugging her, "Bye Mum" she said and quickly retreated toward the house as well, as Sara called after her, "Bye baby, I love you!"

Karen paused, looked at her Mother curiously, almost questioningly for a moment, before continuing into the house, hugging me and kissing my cheek with a "Hi Daddy, I missed you".

Sara just stood motionless, staring after her, as a swathe of emotions travelled across her face. Slowly she looked at me and we locked sad eyes.

"Was it worth it?" I sighed, shaking my head as I turned and walked towards the house.

"I'm sorry Jason. I'm so sorry!!" she screamed at my back as I stepped inside and closed the door on her. The kids told me that their Mother was staying with a friend and sharing the house as she couldn't afford a place of her own yet. It was small and the kids had to share a room, as Patrick refused to sleep in his Mothers bed so the girls could have the room together.

Pat made it clear that he didn't want to risk catching anything, which of course led to Sara bawling her eyes out, and Karen seemed happier sharing with Pat under the current circumstances.

Oh that's right, she was suspended without pay from work when this all blew up. I didn't know the friend, but the kids said she seemed nice enough and felt it necessary to assure me that it wasn't Clare, not that I should have cared, but I was concerned briefly. Our savings had not been that high when we split, since we'd just had our kitchen renovated a couple of months before hand, so we only had a few thousand each, which was mostly eaten up by Lawyers fees in my case, so I assumed Sara was in the same boat.

Luckily for me I had my business and a steady income stream due to it. Sara, so I was told, was doing some part-time receptionist work with a small company whose full-time employee was on maternity leave. Sara never attempted to make any financial demands upon me during this time. I guess her guilt at what she'd done to our family was preventing that.

Life went on for the next couple of months this way, with nothing really changing, other than we were getting slightly more comfortable with each other at the handovers. Karen seemed to soften her stance with her Mother and they were able to briefly laugh and hug each other when saying hello and good-bye. Even Patrick said hello and good-bye, though still refused to make physical contact with her. I could see this hurt Sara, but she deserved it, right?

Out of the blue one day, after dropping the kids back, Sara followed Karen toward the house and approached me as I stood at the doorway.

"Jason?" she said very tentatively, "Is there any chance that we could talk one day? Just the two of us?" she finished quietly. I stood in shock, no idea how to respond. I could feel my heart racing and my breathing almost stopped as I just blinked dumbly at her.

Is she serious? I don't want to talk to her, do I? I did have that big question I needed to ask. WHY? Though having the answer was pointless, as it wouldn't change anything. Would it? Sara simply stood and waited patiently as she searched my eyes, for what, I don't know. She wouldn't have seen anything anyway as I'm sure my brain had shut down at that point. I finally blinked and took a breath, releasing it slowly I stepped back and closed the door, leaving her standing on the other side.

I heard a sniffle and a muffled "I love you" before I turned and walked further into the house where I sat quietly at the kitchen table. What the fuck!

Sara didn't try to talk to me again, thankfully, but three weeks later whilst we were attending the first hearing for our divorce proceedings, her Lawyer petitioned the court for counselling sessions. Even though my Lawyer protested very vocally, as I had no interest in trying to salvage the marriage, the Judge ordered us to see a Psychologist and for them to decide how long we had to continue the sessions based on what happens.

So basically, I had to sit in a room with Sara and listen to her bullshit about being sorry. Well there was no need for me to talk and I wasn't interested in engaging in anything that would suggest I was ok with any of this. And that was pretty much how our first session went.

The Psychologist, Megan, was a nice enough lady, early 50's, slightly greying hair, like a mother type figure I guess. She outlined why we were there and that she hoped we could make some sort of positive steps towards forgiving and moving on for everyone's sake. I sat and maintained a neutral expression for the better part of the session.

I didn't say a word the entire time. Childish some may say, but fuck it, I didn't want to be there, I was being forced to be there. Sara, as I expected, followed the script and cried and apologised and moaned that it was a mistake and that she still loved me. It was when she tried to explain how it happened that I made my first gesture or response to anything that was being said. I stood, looked down at my cheating slut of a wife with disgust, looked at the Psychologist with contempt, and walked out the door. I could hear both women trying to call me back, but there was no way I was going to listen to Sara trying to justify her actions.

Two weeks later, at the strong urging of my Lawyer, I was back sitting with the Psychologist, alone this time.

"So Jason, it seems you were a bit upset the last time I saw you. I hope you are feeling a little calmer today?" she smiled warmly. I simply sat and looked at her with the same blank and disinterested look on my face as I did two weeks ago when I sat in this same chair. She waited patiently, obviously expecting me to respond, but I had no intention to do so. The sooner everyone realised I was not going to participate in this farce, and let me get divorced so I could move on with my life, the better it would be for everyone concerned.

After a couple of minutes where she looked at me expectantly before eventually letting out a long slow sigh of what I hoped was resignation, she made a note in the book on her lap and proceeded to talk to me regardless. Things like, closure, forgiveness, the children's relationship with their Mother, co-parenting, etc etc where sprouted, but as soon as she started telling me how much Sara loved me, I was out of there again.

It took two more sessions of me refusing to talk to her, for the Psychologist to finally give up. I had done nothing wrong. Sara destroyed our relationship, she fucked around behind my back, she broke her vows and her promise, she removed trust and love from my life. She did all those things and more, not me, yet it was like I was the guilty one here, I was being made to suffer even more for a crime I didn't commit. My children and I were the victims in all this and no one will change my mind on that.

Finally we were back in court and the Judge was critical of my lack of involvement with the Psychologist and as I stood there with that same blank expression on my face, my Lawyer seemed to get it through to him, that I had done nothing wrong and wanted nothing to do with Sara or her reasoning. The more this went on, the firmer my position was becoming and it was clear that I was not prepared to consider reconciling with my ex-wife.

Those images of her betraying me were with me forever. Burnt into my frontal lobe and visiting me every time I closed my eyes, like I was there in the room watching it all in person. I was so damned tired, and I just wanted it all to go away, so I could get back to a semblance of a life and move forward. I was still relatively young and during all this I had returned to the gym, which was a god-send. I needed to burn off the anger and in doing so I had lost a bit of weight and improved my physique somewhat.

After the divorce was granted, I can't say that life got any better for me or the kids. We battled on valiantly for the most part but there were a number of times that one or more of us would be clearly distressed about something remembered from our old life, pre-infidelity.

I kept the house and my business intact as Sara wanted very little. I guess her guilt was, again, the main driver behind her capitulation to what I offered. I did rearrange some financing so as to give her half of the equity in the house, which then allowed her to find a reasonable 3 bedroom apartment to rent and furnish modestly, so the kids informed me.

Karen was softening her position with her mother, but Patrick was standing firm. He couldn't forgive Sara for what she had done to me or to our once happy family. I know this hurt Sara deeply, as Patrick and she had a strong relationship up until this.

I heard through the grapevine whilst all my proceedings were going on, that Clare's husband had kicked her out as well, but he had not faired quite so well as far as custody was concerned, with Clare gaining custody a few weeks later. I felt sorry for him, as once again, the innocent victim seems to be punished the most.

Derek on the other hand didn't fare well at all. His wife immediately kicked him out and filed for divorce, ensuring that she and her two brothers surreptitiously made his life hell.

I dropped the law suit against Daniel and his business, but I proceeded with the suits against Clare and Derek, for alienation of affection. Clare and Derek admitted to having a long term affair and pursuing Sara for sex and setting her up for the threesome without her knowledge.

Due to Clare being the primary carer for her kids, the Judge was a little lenient, but still awarded a few hundred thousand dollars in damages. Derek, after settling his divorce, was then financially wiped out by the settlement awarded. I didn't really want or need the money, I was just being a vindictive bastard and making those that helped destroy my marriage and my family, pay for what they did, and leave them with little ability to do it to someone else I hope.

I met with Clare's ex-husband Leonard, and we had a few conciliatory drinks, well he did, I had chai tea. No more alcohol for me thanks. We discussed his financial situation and I helped use some of the money to set up college funds for his kids. The rest I simply gave to him to help him get re-established. We became quite good friends during all this and still are to this day. I also met with Derek's ex-wife, but she didn't want any of the money I had gotten. She felt she was suitably compensated and was just glad that Derek was now broke and struggling to get re-employed. Things like this get around pretty quick amongst the upper echelons of the business world I can assure you.

Daniel replaced Clare and Derek after the trials, and at my daughters request to help her Mother, who was seemingly getting more and more depressed, I spoke to Daniel about giving Sara her job back. Naturally he was initially against it, but I couldn't look at Karen's pleading eyes and disappoint her. She needed her Mother and she needed her to be happy for her sake.

"Thank you Jason. I can't believe after everything I have done, that you would help me like this" Sara almost sobbed to me the week following her re-instatement.

"I did it for our daughter Sara. She needs her Mother to be happy again."

"I know. I'm just struggling to get past what I've done, what I threw away, what I lost. I miss you Jason. I miss us. I miss our family" she cried as she went back to her car to take the kids for the weekend.

Sara didn't date from what everyone was telling me and I noticed a not insignificant amount of weight loss that began to worry me. She seemed to be getting more and more depressed as time went on, and even Patrick was showing signs of concern.

I decided I needed to intervene and address this situation before it became a real problem. I know many would think me an idiot, but I still loved her and she was the mother of my children. I couldn't allow her to keep going down this road of darkness, I was aware of where this path can lead, and I didn't want that for her or for any of us.

"Sara" I said as she dropped off the kids a few weeks later, "would you like to visit for a while?" Both the kids looked at me in amazement that I would make such an offer. Sara just stood there with eyes wide and mouth open in shock.

I couldn't help it as I pretended to be offended, "Well if you're not interested, that's fine" I said as I turned and winked at Karen, a smile on my face.

"What?! What. No! No, please Jason, I'd love to visit. Please!" I could hear the tremor in her voice as she tried hard not to cry.

"DAD!!" Karen almost stomped her foot. "Stop being so mean to Mum!"

I turned to give Sara a half smirking smile, "Would you like a cold drink? It's been a warm day."