All Comments on 'ABC Modeling Company Pt. 01'

You have a good premise, however your sorely need an editor. If you would like, shoot me a message and I will edit things for you. I do have a life, so takes time. The pacing of the story was rushed, the plot didnt move fluidly. It went from moment to moment. Grammar, spelling, and misplaced words were the sore spots. Good luck and thanks for the story.

Not bad for your first story, only there was no incest. Only oral by other females not in the company. This is a good foundation, and should be followed up on.

If a woman is 6'2" tall and weighs 125 pounds. She is definitely severely anorexic. Sorry my OCD kicked in. Otherwise this is a fantastic story. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

I'll give you that. Really liked the premise of the story however cheery it was. Yes, you desperately need an editor like others said but here's the gist of it I think you should improve :

1) Try to give Beth and Cindy distinct personalities. I don't know if you're gonna let them tell the story but if not, try to piece things about them in Ron and Ann's POVs. They've known each other almost all their lives (bar Ron for the last few years). Of course Ron's change is the talk in the house but also put the changes Ron sees in the three after so long. The way they talk, walk and handle themselves from when he knew them etc. Let Anne monologue about her friends' wants, dreams, vulnerabilities from knowing them so intimately.

1a) Maybe Anne is the most confident of the three.

1b) Maybe Beth is self-conscious of her height. Not too many guys try to hit on her because of her height. Only jocks that are utter assholes. So that's why she's lesbian (or bi). We also know nothing about her body other then her height.

1c) Maybe Cindy's the bookish, introvert of the three who came out of her shell after being reduced by Anne or Beth. Or maybe outwardly she's timid but actually she's the one who reduced the others. Like I said we know nothing about the three. Better work on it.

2) You said they're models but usually you get hired first by a modelling agency and then start a business after a few years of moderate success. Maybe they're mostly agents themselves but even then you need industry contact. Plus models are usually tall. So maybe only Beth still actively does runways while the others did mostly catalogues, pinups, centrefold etc. And don't talk about monies. Keep them vague. E.g. "let's just say last year our profit was seven figure." unless of course the board of directors are talking about contracts, sale, acquisition eat.

3) Constantly blushing mother, randomly nurse hugging father, , crying nurse, eavesdropping father, getting startle by a knock (while crying. They weren't doing anything they should be sacred of. They even had the talk before the knock) paints weak and specially not nature for their age characters. Doubly true for the the BC of ABC. They're in their mid-20s. They don't just do a crying fit when they see a knife. They put up a brave face at least because everybody knows once you show fear, it's a half-lost battle. But maybe you can tie it with their personalities (point 1) Maybe also why Rom froze up with his backstory.

4) Small issue. AFAIK 911 EMTs don't go wherever the patient or their guardian wants to go. They usually go to the nearest medical centre. But I'm not from the states so fact-check it with someone.

5) Most importantly the dialogues are abysmal. People talk in one giant breaths

Of course I haven't read the 2nd part. Will go now. But lastly I think the subtitle/description of the first part (this one) could've been better. Simple like Finding and saving my brother or sth. Current one feels like a continuation of a previous story, like we should know who Ron is from. It also doesn't convey which incest theme it is. Whole family? B/S? M/S? F/D? Cousins? You get the idea?

i like the story. i gave it 5 stars. yes- it could use some editing and the dialogue is a bit rough - but the basic story line is terrific and a lot of fun. I like the parents and Ron and Anna are great characters. i like a long opening tease - i think it builds suspense - and thats what you've done here. a great opening tease. i'm looking forward to reading the next chapters.

Great story hope to see the next chapter very soon. Five stars but deserves more.

Your writing is a little stilted and the plot line a little corny, but the story is still so very enjoyable. You have a great (slightly wooden) hero, lots of wonderful woman all begging him to give them a good going over, and lots to look forward to. Well done.

I can't wait for the continuing chapter of this story.

Please hurry. Made me hard and horny.

I'm not joking when I say that I absolutely love your stories and have read many over and over again. You have a way of telling it that just makes me want to read it over and over again.

Not many know the truth of the horrors that are faced and we are forced to live the rest of our lives enduring. Some of us, though we have families, cannot/could not reveal the true nature of what transpired while in the war zone (Mine during the Southeast Asia War Games, aka the Viet Nam War.) Thus we were forced to deal with the events on own, alone. Even worse, most of us, dealing the horrific events eliminated the possibility of a social life, marriage or a family of our own. We knew, although we would love such, that something could occur, which we would have no control over, could set us off into a fit of rage with almost unimaginable results.

So. if you know or meet someone who is or was serving in the military, thank them for their service and sacrifice. If you know someone who served in a special operations group, be especially kind to them, they are usually alone with no family, and would appreciate your kindness.

I really like this story, though actually pretty unrealistic in ... well, most aspects, but the girls are so likable!

You asked for a second opinion...

One thing you really should work on is the way the story repeatedly switches between present and past tense, then back again. This is of course appropriate in some places, but not the way it is used here. You often use both tenses in the same paragraph, and even in the same sentence. For the narrative you should really choose one tense and stick with it, unless you specifically move back and forth between them. Like "Today she's walking alone along Main street doing (whatever), but I remember back when we were XX y/o how she and her friends all walked in a group along a different ... blah, blah"

An exception is of course spoken dialogue. Having a character say "Honey, I'm taking out the trash!" even if the story itself is told in the past tense, just reflects how people speak.

Typical BMS story, I like it

4/5 thus far

Good story but poor writing.

So far I love it. I do want to find out about his loss of memory though, and how did he end up at that flea bag of an apartment building. Was this the military's attempt to send a veteran home only so that they will slowly kill themselves?