Acceptance of Denial

With that, she turned away from us and marched away, back through the door, her guards following immediately behind her. As soon as she had gone, the group burst into poorly suppressed whispers, with Adler's name being tossed from lip to lip. "Settle down now!" ordered several of the guards, trying to hush the murmurs.

Within the hour we had been led into a huge wash bay area, cleaned ourselves up and been given new uniforms for the Stuttgart Detainment Facility. The next couple of hours we were assessed further first medically, then answering questions about ourselves, by a large squad of officers. By the time the assessment's were done, two thirds of the group had been sent away from the Facility. None of us were told why, but I think a few of us suspected that they were either going to be transported to a labour camp or concentration camp, or even killed.

I spoke with no one except my assessor, a finely boned man with a trimmed moustache and very slick hair. He seemed content with the answers I gave to the questions which I believed had been set up to psychologically review us. My medical assessment had gone well, I had no diseases or deficiencies that the medical practitioner could see. By the end of it though, I was glad to finally be able to stand on my own and calm down. I was standing on the outskirts of the collection of people who had passed the testing and would be staying at the Stuttgart Detainment Facility, when someone called my name.

"Kristin Feldt? Miss Feldt?" I turned to see two guards approaching me from a door at the other side of the room.

"Yes?" I asked, stepping forward and bracing myself for whatever was about to happen next. Heads turned in the rest of the group, curious eyes watched as the guards came to a stop beside me.

"You've been summoned by Obersturmbannführer Adler. Your presence has been requested immediately."

"What? Oh, what's going on, I-?" I felt my heart race, my hands shaking with nerves.

"Come with us now, Miss Feldt." They were unyielding and I knew that I had no other option.

"Okay," I sighed, trying to fight back my queasiness. What could Adler possibly want?

After a few minutes of walking through the facility and travelling up an escalator, I found myself at the top of the large building's structure. As soon as myself and my two fully armed shadows reached the destined floor, I realized the décor had changed into a more classic style, in comparison to the metal industrial look of the lower levels. There were framed paintings along the walls and the floor was layered with a fine stained timber.

Along a hallway we went, until the guards came to a stop in front of a solid oak double door. One of the tapped me wordlessly on the shoulder and pointed silently at the doors, whilst the other guard knocked quickly at the door. I knew Obersturmbannführer Adler must be on the other side of that door, and the feeling of intimidation I already felt did nothing good to calm my nerves.

"Come in." Obersturmbannführer Adler's voice echoed through the wall on the other side. The guard opened one of the doors, and entered the room, standing to attention as I followed behind him into the room, the second guard stepping in behind me.

I found myself in a spacious office, with an elaborate carpet floor and several large windows along the outermost wall. Bookshelves and more framed paintings were along the other walls, even a few shiny sculptures were here and there.

I didn't have to look far to find Adler, she sat directly in front of me at a huge mahogany desk as I entered the room, a book grasped between one of her hands.

"Ah, hello Miss Feldt, thank you for coming along today," her voice was oddly warm now as she looked up at my arrival. "You're dismissed," Adler gave a curt nod to the two guards. "Yes, Frau Obersturmbannführer," they saluted in response, before quickly departing.

"I suppose you're wondering why I asked for you? Do you mind if I take a little of your time, Kristin?" I started at her use of my first name, as I stood awkwardly in the centre of what must have been the most elaborate office I'd even set foot in.

"Er, no, Obersturmbannführer Adler." Addressing her felt strange, I wasn't used to such stringent titles. I felt myself wither internally in fear, everything about her was so menacing, even her title was.

"Oh, forgive me," Adler chuckled, her voice softening with her laughter, "Let me ask, do you prefer Kristin or another version?"

"I don't mind, either way," I replied, caught off guard by Adler's friendliness. Was this a kind of trap?

"Very well Kristin. Well, just to clarify, you may call me Frau Adler when not in public, understood?" her voice had become more serious, for a moment.

"Yes, Frau Adler," I replied, aware that she was being a little too comfortable for our first meeting. Was she always so charming?

"Take a seat, Kristin. We have some things to discuss." I took a few shaky steps towards the seat, before carefully lowering myself onto the chair. Adler remained sitting at her desk, the book still in her hand.

"So, Kristin, do remember this?" She held the book in her grasp over to me, allowing me to view the pages she had been gazing at. I stared for a moment, then gasped, recognizing my own sketches, which I had drawn in the very same notebook two nights ago.

"Oh," I said, foolishly, lost for words. Why did Adler have this notebook?

"You left this behind at the Transfer Campus. For just a notebook, it's got some fine sketches within it. I find your style quite impressive, especially within your paintings." She raised an eyebrow at me, smirking at my surprised expression.

"Er, thank you," I stuttered, almost feeling proud of myself for gaining an influential fan, but feeling far too terrified to enjoy the moment to its fullest.

"It's a pity that you have been prevented from continuing on with your paintings," Adler continued, placing the notebook down on her desk. She clasped her hands together assertively, leaning forward to scrutinize me.

"You see, I had a read of the files of your group, but yours caught my attention. I was intrigued by the situation of your relatives, namely concerning your Uncle and cousins."

"Oh," I replied glumly. Where was Adler going with this?

"As you know, we've placed a high priority on ensuring that people who are required to be placed within a facility such as this one, go through with the process. And when your cousins were unable to be found, well, it was obvious they had fled the enforcers of the law. It's illegal and they've put themselves at a higher risk of persecution. And they've put that risk on you also. Unless it was a risk you willingly took part in?" She was accusing me of having a hand within my cousin's disappearance-great, I fumed, internally.

"No, I had no involvement with Markus and Sara not being found. I didn't know they were being looked for, or were even required to go to a campus. Even though they were Jewish, I have never been Jewish. I don't understand why I'm here." I was getting sick and tired of being treated like a criminal.

"Very well. But we are looking into this case with our resources. They will be found," Adler said pointedly, her eyes glinting determinedly. This woman's determination was unnerving. "Also, the system is designed to cut out any risks from society, and according to our system, you are a risk, being associated with Jews."

I was silent, not trusting myself to respond civilly. Their system was a blight on humanity, I raged, fuming as I remembered the young man being beaten by one of Adler's guards earlier that morning.

"You'll do well to remember what I told you this morning, Kristin, keep in line and show respect to your superiors."

"Yes," I replied, feeling disheartened at her reminder.

"Now that we've discussed that topic, I'd like to mention something else to you."

"Yes?" I asked, curious as to her next move.

"As I was saying earlier, it's a pity that you're unable to continue on with your works. I've seen some of your pieces before in a collective exhibition involving Stuttgart's established artists, I remembered who you were when I read your file."

"Thank you," I said, realizing that perhaps her liking of my art would lead her to be a little more lenient on me. I laughed nervously.

"I never would have known you'd seen my works, Frau Adler."

"Well, during my few leisure hours I have a variety of things I willingly spend my time enjoying. Art is just one of them," she laughed at my astonishment again, leaning back in her seat, eyeing me carefully. Her eyes were an icy grey, I suddenly realized, a part of me secretly shaking my head at how stereotypically Aryan she was.

"I have an offer for you," she stated casually, still watching me with her assertive gaze. I straightened myself in my chair, at these words. An offer? Was she going to let me out of this place?

"My offer, Kristin, is as follows. I want you, to create a portrait of me, in that style of yours. In return, I'll give you a space of your own, away from the rest of your previously assigned group." Adler watched my reaction, gauging my response as I sat there for a moment, my mind going into overdrive. This wasn't what I was expecting.

"Er, you're sure you want me to create the portrait, not someone else?" I was confused by her request, but had no time to dwell on the unusualness of the situation.

"Yes. There have been other artists through this facility of course, and plenty out of confinement. But I like your style and I want to see myself reflected within it. I want you to do it, so will you?"

"Well I'm flattered. I think so... I mean, yes, yes I will." My surprise turned into resoluteness. I couldn't possibly pass up an offer like this. A chance like this to get away from whatever fate was ahead of me in the floors below was worth reaching out to. I could tell that this was a probably a one-time offer, Adler was a woman who was used to receiving answers quickly and moving on to other matters once an answer was given.

"Good. I'm glad that's all settled," she smiled smugly, knowing that I had very few options other than agreeing to her terms anyway. "Naturally, you'll be given all the equipment you need. If you require anything else, all you need to do is inform us and it will be done for you. I'll see you back here tonight, I'd like us to start the portrait then."

"Okay, that will be very helpful. I appreciate it," I didn't know what to think, this opportunity was a chance to live a little more comfortably; maybe I would avoid going to a camp after all. I was afraid to think those thoughts, knowing that it could lead to nothing but false hope.

"I don't really know what to say, really, Frau Adler," I decided to be frank with Adler, for just a moment, to show some kind of thanks one way or another.

"Well, saying yes is a good start. We have reached a mutual understanding, so remember to keep to it. I'm sure the portrait will be of your usual high quality. And for now, I'll keep this notebook here. You can access it later on. You'll return to your group until this evening. Until then, keep this arrangement quiet when it comes to anyone from the group, understood?" she placed a hand on her desk and pressed a small button.

"Yes, Frau Adler," I agreed, as the door opened and a single guard came in from outside, realizing he must have been summoned by the button.

"Excellent. I'll see you this evening," she watched as I stood.

"See you then," I nodded, turning to walk towards the door.

"Please escort Miss Feldt back to Area Twelve, will you, Hans?"

"Yes, Frau Obersturmbannführer," he answered quickly, before leading me out of Adler's office and back down to the area I had been in previously.

3.

For the rest of the day our group was informed of the rules and terms of the facility, before being directed to their allocated work areas. Some were told they'd be working in the transport yard, myself among them, while others were sorted into the repair force, where they would be working with machinery, buildings and the like.

I was taught the basics of examining vehicles and carrying out basic assessments of the condition of the various transport buses. At six o'clock, we were called in, along with about three hundred other inmates and directed to the food bay, where we were served up steaming bowls of bland mash from huge steel pots, manned by uniformed food attendants.

The meal was disgusting and the watered down mash tasted vaguely like thinned potato if anything at all. Each mouthful went down in watery lumps. There was very little chatter among the inmates, I found that two thirds of everyone here were men, the other third being women. A few exhausted looking people had bandages wrapped over their eyes or around their hands, probably from accidents working, or beatings from the guards.

Guards watched us from the isles between the long tables, and from the metal platform above us, which ran around the walls of the room. All throughout the training I had received for the vehicles earlier that day and through the dinner, I could think of nothing but the fact that I had been asked to paint a portrait of an SS officer. A person who had played a huge part in determining how people's lives would change, and who had been indirectly and directly involved with sending people to camps where they would die.

My stomach churned, as I tried to stomach my meal, knowing I would need energy and sustenance for the evening ahead. I expected it would be draining, trying to do my best to stay calm as I began a portrait of a ruthless individual who could have me killed on the spot if she so wished. I found my knuckles had gone white around the spoon as I tried to finish the last mouthfuls of my meal.

The realization had hit me, that I had to try and survive now, even though I didn't know what would happen when I had finished the portrait of Adler. I dreaded to think of what other options I had for self-preservation after that. There was no time left to prepare for what awaited me, I realized, as a guard approached me not long after I had finished my meal.

I had stood, hearing him tell me that I had been asked for, gathering my last strains of calmness. It was time, I thought, time to prove myself in order to survive. Not long after I had left the food bay, I found myself walking into Adler's office through the open door, the guard waiting outside.

"Hello again Kristin," Adler welcomed me into her office, with a smile, hearing my footsteps approaching her office. "You may close the door."

I stretched my arm out and pushed the door shut, noticing the tremor of shakes in my hand. Adler was standing in front of the fireplace at the other end of the room. She wore her uniform as usual, opting for the official, formal look of her military attire for the portrait.

"Hello, how are you this evening, Frau Adler?" I asked, suddenly feeling a little more comfortable in her presence. Somehow I felt that for now, she was offering me a chance of safety, and strangely, I appreciated her just a little for that.

"Well thank you," Adler replied, turning to face me, a curious look on her face as she deduced from my tone that I was a little friendlier. "And you? I trust the day kept you occupied?"

"I'm well thank you. And yes, today was quite busy," I looked around at the room, remembering the events of the long day.

"Well, at least for you, you'll have other things to focus on from now onwards."

"I suppose so," I murmured, trying to fight back flashes of blood on snow. I didn't want to think about it. Adler took a few steps towards me, seeing my solemn expression as lingered in front of me. Slowly, she reached out and placed her hand firmly on my upper arm, meeting my surprised gaze with her calm silver eyes.

"Follow me, I'll show you where your equipment has been set up," her hand disappeared as she walked away, over to the fireplace, opening the door beside it, beckoning for me to follow her. I couldn't see what was on the other side of the door, but I moved through into the next room, as she closed the door behind us, entering just behind me as I stared in wonder at the room I had found myself in.

A hefty easel held a large canvas, with a carved, oak seat placed in front of it, where I knew Adler would sit. A huge table was positioned in the middle of the room, with large amounts of paint tubes and fine brushes neatly arranged according to colour and size. I stepped over to the table, carefully examining a tube of paint, smiling as I saw that it was an expensive, top of the range pigment paint which I hadn't used often, due to the price. At a closer glance, I could identify the brushes as being premium quality horsehair bristles. I was impressed.

"I hope you find the quality to your liking," Adler said, walking slowly around the room to sit down on the elaborate chair. I looked over to her, grinning despite myself. "Well?" she chuckled, raising an eyebrow proudly.

"You've definitely found some excellent quality equipment," I acknowledged, feeling a lot better about my decision to go through with Adler's portrait.

"Of course, Kristin," she smirked, knowing full well how valuable the paint and brushes were. "Better materials means a better portrait, correct?"

"More or less," I mused, placing the tube of paint back and grasping a large sketchbook and several sketching pencils.

"Alright. I think it would be best to start with sketching your face at different angles. Doing so will allow me to become more familiar with your features and give me a chance to gain more of an understanding of your aura."

"Very well, do what you need to do. I would like to know all about my aura," Adler laughed, almost mockingly. I ignored her lack of consideration of the valuable emotional representation within art.

"Would you like a more formal kind of portrait, Frau Adler? Or perhaps something a little more expressive?"

"Formal would be much more suitable," she replied. "I want anyone who sees it to be aware of the power and strength of my authority." I considered trying to encourage her to show a little more of her personality, but decided against it, realized that her strength and authority was all there was to her.

"We'll go with that aspect for sure," I answered, as I pulled the seat behind the easel over to her until we were about two steps away from each other.

As I began to sketch her, I realized that she was not a subject that would simply direct their gaze in another direction. Her eyes sought out mine as I would look up at her, scanning and judging her features, before continuing to put pencil to paper. I was unnerved to say the least.

She seemed incredibly intense up close, her eyes piercing through me without pause and I knew it was because of her strength and coldness that I was terrified to be so close to her. I attempted to ignore her burning eye contact, even as my heart raced in my chest. Think of something to say, dammit, I thought to myself, racking my brains for a way to end this silence.

"You know, had you not had distinctly Aryan intelligence and features, Kristin, I think you might not be here now." I looked up at her, shocked by her words. However, I knew she was right. For the sake of a distraction from her gaze I thought about how to respond.

"Why, because I'd have been more surely convicted with assisting my cousins?" I asked, thinking through how I had made it so far.

"Yes. You see, had I not remembered your art, I think your situation would be much graver than it is now," she paused thoughtfully. "I hadn't ever met you until today, you know. But your paintings sufficed to make me think highly enough of you to give you a chance to finally paint a portrait of me."