Acceptance of Denial

"Had you always wanted one, by me, I mean?" I asked, wondering how long she'd appreciated my art for.

"Yes. Ever since I'd seen your works at the exhibit, but I've always been so busy, so I never opted to contact you. When I saw your name in the files of future inmates, I thought it would offer up a chance."

"I was still doubtful if you were definitely the artist I had remembered of course, so I asked for that notebook to be given to you, during your time at the Stuttgart Transfer Campus."

"Why?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"Simply because of my curiosity I suppose. I wanted to be sure it was you and I didn't want to have you transferred under my watch to somewhere... Else. I didn't want to miss my chance. I was impressed by your unpolished sketches alone, once the notebook was returned to me, and I knew it was you for sure after that point. Your skills and techniques with those sketches were easily recognizable. Even as you stood in the group this morning, I could guess who you were by your visual description in your official personal files."

"Well... I don't know what I'm supposed to think about this." I said, feeling apprehensive. She'd had her eye on me for a while.

"Think what you will. But let me tell you this. I may have given you time, offered you a chance to avoid some of what goes on here, but if it's discovered that you had any involvement with your cousin's... Unavailability, I'll have no choice but to organize for you to be dealt with in the required way."

"Yes, Frau Adler. And for what it's worth, I can appreciate what you've done for me so far," a little bit of gratitude couldn't hurt, I decided.

"Hmm," she murmured, watching me still, as she stood up suddenly. I looked up at her, watching as she loomed me slowly, a distant part of me compared her to a prowling animal. She moved around beside me, and I sensed a bizarre stillness settle in the room for a moment. Something had changed, but what it was, I couldn't tell.

Adler stood perfectly still, both of us aware of how she had breached my personal space, just an arm's reach away. Then she moved, the weight of her hand resting on my shoulder, her fingers gently beginning to knead the fabric of my jacket. "Wha-?" I tried to stutter, every cell in me screaming for me to lurch out of her grip, paralysing fear rising up in me like bile.

What was going on, I wondered. I found I was unable to move, uncertain how to flee from her clutches, as she lifted the sketchbook out of my lap and lowered it onto the seat where she had been just moments ago. I even frantically considered punching her but realized she could put a bullet in me in any moment, with the firearm at her side. Trying to escape would have been useless and got me killed in the end. Her other hand grasped my other shoulder as she pulled me to my feet. I looked down at her, pure shock showing on my face as her eyes bored into mine.

"Do you want this?" she asked, her voice a breathy whisper, her hot breath somehow enthralling, while her hands swiftly moved from my shoulders to my arms as she held me close.

"God," I choked, failing to hide my obvious trepidation, what I could I possibly want?

"I know," she said, voice searing and heavy as if she had read my thoughts. "I know all about your tendencies. Your report has them all... Included."

I stared at her, my protests dying in my throat, my mind racing with a thousand thoughts. She must have known all along. Why hadn't she had me sent to a camp then, I thought numbly, knowing the punishment for being a gay woman in these times. "I don't... I can't," I breathed, trying to pull out of her grasp, this had to be some kind of sick trap.

"Don't deny yourself this Kristin..." Adler's arms were strong and determined, yet somehow a part of me prayed she wouldn't let go, even through the strangling fear.

"I... No," I garbled, unable to get the words out, Adler's body was so warm and solid, even through the thick uniform. I tried to look away but her gaze burned through into my mind, blazing and smouldering away though my refusal.

Truth was I hadn't been in a relationship or even with a woman for at least a year. Part of the fear I had been feeling the entire time since I had been here was if someone were to find out about my inclination towards women. But now it was too late to do anything, and I felt within myself the certainty that there was no going back now, not with Adler and not with my life-this could end my very existence.

Despite her terrifying presence I had been attracted to her from the very first time I had seen her earlier that day, as much as I had tried to ignore it. Her maturity and dominance was petrifying but stirred some kind of warped admiration within me, as I was torn between loathing her and wanting to obey her. The way she was like a cold, untouchable sculpture had only made me want her more, made me want to tear away her gun, uniform and badges, to see the real her. It had brought out a frightening longing to see her vulnerable, to understand this woman and see why she had become a hand of misery, a tyrant and oppressor of human nature.

"Let it go," she murmured, almost pleading, her words ensnared within short gasps. Her eyes softened and she leaned into me, her lips pressing in on mine so gently that I almost didn't feel her. She could see the hesitation in my eyes while I fought back the urge to moan as she pulled back slightly, watching me with hooded eyes.

"Yes," I whispered, my voice almost lost in the sound of our mingled breaths.

"Hmm?" she moaned, as she arched up against me, her fingers sliding along my back, pressing and squeezing firmly.

"Yes, I do want it," I sighed, admitting the unavoidable truth, looking down at her to see the understanding appear in her eyes.

"Thank God," she replied, as I stopped trying to push her away, grasping her instead, enjoying the feel of her uniform against my fingers.

This was so sick and so wrong, a part of me screamed at myself, but I couldn't help what I was feeling with Adler right now. She could have me killed in a moment, and everything she stood for was evil, but my conscience was gone, there was no more reason, no more thought. There was just Adler's touch, lips and moans as I lost all contact with reality.

I closed my eyes and kissed her, quietly at first, then a little harder as she responded, running her tongue along my lower lip, tasting and savouring me. My heart raced in my chest, half in fear, half in aroused excitement, as I felt myself giving in, giving myself up for her, not caring what the future held for the first time in over three days.

I didn't know where this was going, how far she would go, but I sensed that this was somehow not a game, but something more raw than I could bear to comprehend at the time. She was risking her position and reputation, and I was risking my life, but somehow the risks only added to the sincerity of what we were doing. What would be the point of any of this if it didn't mean something to the two of us in our own way?

As our kiss deepened, I began to guide her gently over to the table, so the two of us had some kind of leverage, we each shook so much that I thought either or both of us would collapse. When her hip nudged the table, Adler flung her arm out and held herself up against me, her hand bracing the edge of the table. Wordlessly, I grasped the waistline of her jacket, where an assortment of leather buckles held her jacket in, and ran my fingers over the shining metal of the clasps.

Looking up at me, she grasped my right hand, holding it still in her warm grasp, before slowly placing it against the buckles, silently granting me permission to undo the clasps. I kissed her again, slowly and firmly in appreciation of her willingness, as I began to blindly fumble with the first clasp, undoing it after a few seconds. The next clasp followed after a moment, and by the third, I knew exactly how to unfasten them quickly.

Now, it was obvious that she was still armed, but I had lost contact with the logical part of my brain, which would remind me later on how this could have gotten me killed. Despite Adler initiating this turn of events, I would come to realize how dangerous things were in this circumstance, reacting readily to her advances. At the time though, I didn't care about the sidearm within her reach, she could have shot me and I wouldn't have been able to stop for the life of me. Despite the revulsion I had felt only moments before I had given in, I didn't even consider grabbing her gun and killing her either, even with my earlier urges. It was strange how things could change so quickly.

Adler sighed against my mouth, knowing she was one step closer to greater pleasure, as I pulled away to lift the harness over and off her shoulders. I moved on to the large solid belt just above her hips, tugging against the thick leather for a moment, knowing she could feel it underneath her uniform. She writhed against the movement, her breath catching as I teased her, before I undid the buckle of the belt and leisurely slid it out from around her waist before tossing it somewhere on the table.

The final obstacle around her waist was the belt fastening her sidearm, which glinted metallically at me from her hip. For a moment I felt a sudden hesitance tremor through me, until I felt the warmth of Adler's soft hand as she directed mine towards the buckle of the belt, entrusting me with removing the ominous object from her.

This was the tipping point, we both knew, where one of us could grasp the weapon and end everything for the other. Adler watched me as I warily slid the belt out from her waist and grasped the holster, bit by bit, until it was free from her. I tossed it away then, hearing it come to a thudding rest at the other end of the table. I dared not look at the gun, caught in the fiery gaze of Adler's astonishingly intense eyes.

We seemed to have gone beyond some kind of barrier then, knowing that the threat of her weapon was no longer existent. Adler grasped me by the front of my jacket, her eyes blazing with something I couldn't describe, as I pulled back, unable to break her gaze. Slowly, I delved my fingers underneath the seam of her jacket, to the fastener on her pants. Pausing to search her eyes and face for any sign of hesitation or reluctance, I waited until she nodded slowly in encouragement. At this sign I loosened the fastener, the zipper following moments after, the slight, unmistakable sound reaching both our ears.

I knelt down, until I was level with the spotlessly shiny boots which extended up to the base of Adler's knees. I tugged gently at her right boot, removing it swiftly, then the left, sitting them carefully to the side of us at the desk. I ran my hands up and along her shins, massaging through the black material of her socks, eager to feel the softness of her skin. I raised my hands to the crest of her socks, hooking my thumb and forefinger into the fabric before pulling them down, ever so slowly, enjoying her skin being revealed so gradually. Once her socks were off her feet, I placed them to the side, along with the boots.

Adler's breathing was shallow now, shaky breaths rising from her lips as I rose to my feet again, pulling her into a firm and long embrace as she kissed me. Her hand clasped behind my neck, holding me to her as she trembled against me, and I knew that now was the time, she couldn't take much more.

I wrapped my hands around her waist, my fingers slipping into her pant's waistband, pulling outwards and testing the tightness of them. Adler lifted herself up, knowing that her pants would be next to slide off her toned body, submitting as I slid her pants downwards. Once they were free of her hips, she kicked down the trousers, kissing me desperately as I began to pull away.

I bent down again, kneeling at her feet as I ran my hands along the smooth pale skin of her calves, then her thighs, massaging away the tightness within them. Adler closed her eyes, chest rising and falling rapidly, her breathing heavy and laboured. My head was about level with the apex of her thighs, only inches away from her panties, at the centre of which there was a glistening patch of wetness. I could smell her now, the scent of her excitement strong and intoxicating, and in that moment, I was lost. I leaned in and gently pressed my nose against the fabric, nibbling and pressing gently through the material, as Adler moaned and whimpered. Her hand sought out my head, her fingers twirling in my hair, encouraging me to continue, to press deeper.

I ran the tip of my tongue along the centre of her panties, moaning at the taste of her, even through the fabric she was heavenly. I couldn't hold back any longer, my resolve was collapsing inside my thudding chest, this was almost too much for me to handle. I slid my fingers into the elastic band of her panties and pulled them downwards, slipping them off completely when she raised her hips off the desk. I tugged at them once more and they slithered down her thighs and calves, only to fall in a crumpled pile on the floor.

I could see her soft, delicate folds, glistening with wetness and kneeled in, taking a long, slow lick from the base upwards, feeling her tangy juices on my tongue as I worked my way up and down her length. Adler writhed above me, whimpering as my hot breath radiated against her core, while my tongue continued its slow, gentle exploring, seeking out every curve, every crevice of her outer lips, carefully avoiding her clit. I wanted to save that for a moment.

I leisurely delved in beyond her outer layer, my tongue stroking her inner lips, memorising the shape and silky texture of her sweltering flesh. She cried out as I eased my tongue in, further then, pressing in against her tightness, feeling her contract and squeeze against me, more of her juices coating my tongue. I slid out suddenly, to her vague disappointment, giving one more slow, long lick against her length, before seeking out her clit, finding the delicate button after another moment of exploring.

She whimpered against my tongue, her body shaking under my hands, which remained against her thighs, massaging her tense muscles through her arousal. I could see how much she responded to my touch against her clit, she seemed so pent up and I wondered if she had found release recently. I didn't want to rush her enjoyment, so I backed off from her clit, returning to her inner depths instead. I explored her depths again, intoxicated by her juices, which I lapped up thirstily, not wanting to miss a single drop.

My tongue probed along her walls, swirling and pressing against her from an endless variety of angles, as I sought out her sweet spots, discovering the places that made her whimper or catch her breath or freeze up her muscles. She leaned forward, her breath hissing through her teeth, a moan reverberating in her throat, as I swivelled my tongue swiftly within her, making contact with a group of sensitive areas.

"Oh God," she moaned, looking down at me with wide, glazed eyes, her lips moist and ever so slightly apart in wonder. In that moment we held that gaze, my tongue still buried in her as deep as I could go. When I swiftly returned to fluttering her clit, she shuddered again closing her eyes. I increased my pace, wanting her to feel the rush of release; be overpowered by the feelings radiating from within her.

"Oh... Oh God. Oh yes..." She shook and trembled, her moans turning to a stream of whimpers as I assaulted her clit relentlessly, feeling a rush of something approaching her, knowing she would be washed away in a moment. I licked her ceaselessly until she cried out uncontrollably, drifting away from the present time and I was almost carried along with her. I held back my own climax so I could see her unfurl and dissipate above me, absorbed in her pleasure and emotion. I was so close that had I even faintly brushed my clit through the fabric of my pants I'd have let go then and there.

She shook and trembled, a panting, beautiful mess of strength and vitality, crumbling under her own humanity as the sensations of euphoria overwhelmed her state of mind. I watched her, possessed by seeing her come undone, momentarily comparing her to a stone sculpture bursting into shrapnel. She was no longer the cold stone of military representation that she had seemed to be before she had revealed her true self, I thought, as I watched her unwind and levitate before me.

She collapsed on the table, arms splayed out to her sides in a state of sheer and all consuming bliss, her nectar flooding my eager mouth. I continued to hold her, massaging the rigidity out of her thighs and calves throughout her release as I licked against her length, prolonging her enjoyment for as long as possible.

We stayed there for I don't know how long, as I listened to her breathing gradually steady and slowed my strokes, knowing that soon she would be too sensitive to touch in that area. I remained on my knees at her feet, dimly becoming aware of the ache in my knees and the ceaseless throb in my own panties.

"Mmm," she murmured, slowly propping herself up on her elbows, her jacket still on her, if a little scruffy by now, she still looked slightly military. "That was... Something," she whispered, still sounding a little dazed by the entire experience. I steadied myself by placing my hands on the carpeted floor and pushing myself up. I took a weak and shaky step towards the table, leaning against it beside her, as I helped Adler sit up beside me. She grinned at me, but I couldn't smile back somehow. What happens now, I thought? Adler could see I looked worried, and couldn't meet her eyes.

"Hey..." she whispered, soothing me as I looked away in disbelief at the situation. She rested a merciful hand on my shoulder, and I turned to face her then, seeing the concern in her eyes.

"Don't be afraid. It seems so strange, doesn't it?" she murmured, her hand moving to fondly cup my cheek.

"I understand..." she whispered, her once icy eyes, regarding me compassionately. All I could do was look into her eyes, I didn't know what to say, and I think she understood that. For a while we stayed there, saying nothing, Adler with her arm around me, her head resting on my shoulder.

Strangely, I burst into laughter, shaking gleefully as Adler looked up at me, clearly startled.

"I never would have guessed..." I giggled, turning to her and running my hands over the Adler's creased jacket, fondly straightening what remained of her disarrayed outfit.

"You never know," she replied, smiling along with me. I grasped her hand in mine, tenderly running my thumb over her knuckles as I looked at her directly.

"Do you still want me to continue with your portrait, Frau Adler?" I asked, cautiously, not knowing what would happen after this.

"Of course!" Adler said, clearly taken aback. "I want you to stay, Kristin, please believe me." I could hear the sincerity in her words and felt the distantly familiar warm rush of trust in my chest. I needed time to think through it all, but I was beginning to understand what all of this meant. I blinked away my surprise, touched by her honesty, knowing her words to be true.

"And by the way, call me Erika from now on, when we're in private like this." There would be another time then? My heart leapt at the possibility of future occasions like this with Adler.

"Erika? That's a fine name, SS-Obersturmbannführer Erika Adler," I said, testing her name on my tongue, sampling it, as Erika inclined herself towards me, still laughing quietly as our lips met.