Always and Never Ch. 02

They slid into one of the booths, the seats covered in cushioned red plastic vinyl. Rachel picked up one of the laminated menus. "They make the best soft serve, I swear." She glanced at the menu. "It's going to be hard to choose."

"I'm going to leave the decision in your capable and well-manicured hands," Jared said. He reached into his pocket and produced a quarter. He turned to the mini-jukebox on the table, flipping through the selections.

Rachel busied herself with the menu. Making a choice, she signaled over the waitress, a matronly-looking woman wearing a cheery yellow uniform with a crisp white apron. "Can I help you?" she said, reaching for the pencil stuck in her grey bun.

"Yes, I'd like an extra large sundae, with one scoop of vanilla, black raspberry, and sweet cream ice cream with double whipped cream, hot fudge, chocolate sprinkles, and a cherry."

The waitress raised an eyebrow.

Rachel smiled back. "Oh, and two spoons. Thank you..." She looked up at the waitress' uniform, a nametag with 'Deena' pinned to her ample bosom. "Deena. What a lovely name."

Deena flashed a warm grin. "Why thank you. I'll get your order in right away."

Jared watched as she walked away. "She probably thought they were going to have to pry you out of the booth with a crane."

"Shut up!" Rachel said with a laugh. "Clearly with the two spoons it means we're sharing."

"Yeah, or you could just be double fisting it." He smiled before taking off his jacket. "I found the perfect song." He slid the quarter into the slot before pressing the button.

The opening notes of Love TKO filled the diner. "Teddy Pendergrass?" she said with a raised eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yes. I grew up listening to this kind of music."

She was taken aback. "Really?"

He nodded. "When my parents came from Japan, the first apartment they had been above a record store. My father loved old soul records. I grew up on Marvin, Barry, all the greats. Teddy Pendergrass was my favorite."

Rachel shook her head. "Wow. You truly are complex." They both looked up as Deena returned and set a large silver dish on the table.

"Whoa," Jared said. "I think we really will need that crane." He picked both spoons, handing one to Rachel. "Well, let's get to it."

Ten minutes later, they were still working on the sundae. "How are things going on your end," Jared asked, lifting a spoonful of black raspberry to his lips.

"Ugh I think I might have to take a break."

Rachel stuck her spoon in the dish. "I think I have a slight case of brain freeze." She pressed her fingers to her temples, rubbing slowly.

Opening her eyes, she looked at him. He was still eating the sundae. "How the hell can you still be eating?"

Jared shrugged before eating a large spoonful of vanilla and whipped cream. "I have a stomach of iron, let me tell you."

Rachel grinned. "Can I ask you a question?"

"You just did, but we'll overlook it." He set his spoon in the dish before wiping his lips on a napkin. "What's up?"

"Your tattoos," she said, pointing to his arms.

"They're pretty intense."

"Are they now?"

"Don't get me wrong, I like them. It's just...they're so intricate." She slid her hand across the table. "Do you mind?"

"No. Go ahead."

Rachel brushed her fingertips across his arm, tracing the detailed swirls and patterns. Every inch of his arm was covered with gorgeous designs. "What do they all mean?"

"Some of them are just random patterns I did because it made the arms look complete. These here are my parents' names. I don't know. Many are scars of my ridiculously wasted youth. They do have meanings, but most of all they are just reminders and memories. And some are mistakes."

She glanced up at him and was surprised to see he was watching her fingers dance across his skin. He drew a slow breath and she felt his muscles tense underneath her touch.

"Why do you keep the mistakes?"

"Because the design wouldn't be complete without them. Besides, I'm the only one who knows where they are."

"I have a tattoo."

He grinned. "Really now? I would love to see it sometime."

"Puh-lease. It's a small one. Nothing as beautiful as yours."

His brown eyes met her hazel-hued gaze. "I doubt you could be anything but beautiful."

Rachel was quiet for a while, the silence settling in comfortably. There was something so serene about him, as if his very presence was enough to make her feel at peace. It was comforting and a little unsettling at the same time.

"You're buzzing," he said quietly.

"What?" she asked, snapping out of her daze.

"Your bag. It's buzzing." He inclined his head to her purse atop the table. It was vibrating loudly."

"Oh," she said. She withdrew her hands, which were still stroking his skin and reached into her purse. Scrolling through her phone she noticed six new texts. All from Brendan.

"It's him, isn't it?"

Rachel nodded. "He wants to see me tonight." A long sigh escaped her lips. "Why does he do this?" She glanced up, noticing his look of extreme discomfort. "Oh, I'm sorry Jared..."

"No, no" he replied. "No need to apologize to me. We should be going. I should get you home." He reached into his pocket and set a ten dollar bill on the table.

Rachel felt it, the mood change. Things went from comfortable to tense. She wanted to say something, anything to make it go away.

Jared got up from the table and she followed suit. They were quiet even as they settled into the car. As he started up the engine, she turned to look at him. "Jared," she started.

"There's no need to apologize, Rachel. Apparently you just can't help yourself."

"No that's not it..."

"What then?" he asked. "What the FUCK is it about this guy that makes you so goddamn weak?"

"Who are you to judge me?" she asked, the rising anger evident in her voice.

He sighed. "I'm not judging you, Rachel. I'm just wondering how long you're going to fucking torture yourself."

"I never even said I was going to see him Jared. Besides, I don't have to explain anything to you. We're not together."

Jared scoffed. "You're right. But you're going to have to do better than that to get rid of me."

Rachel sighed. "Why do you care? Why do you want to talk to me so badly?" She fought the tears threatening to fall. Why was she so upset? And why did she feel the need to explain herself to him?

"You think you're damaged goods? Bullshit. You think I should move on? I think otherwise. You're so hung up on a guy who used you as his goddamn plaything and you blame yourself. It's fucking ridiculous." He sighed once more. "He really did a number on you, baby."

The dam cracked open, the tears flooding her cheeks. "How can I explain it? How do I put it into words?" She buried her face in her hands. "I let him in, let him use me even though I knew he didn't love me. And I stayed. I stayed because I didn't know what else to do because by then I was in too deep. I'd fallen for him. I kept hoping he'd care, hoping he'd say those things I wanted to hear. But it never happened." The tears were coming harder now. She gasped heavily, her bitter confession making it hard to breathe. "It's all my fault, Jared. Completely my fault. I let my guard down for a man who wasn't fucking worth it just because he wanted me. It's all my fault, all my fault. And now I have to live with the fact that I'm responsible for breaking my own heart. I let him in. It's all my fault."

Rachel was crying heavily, the hard sobs shaking her body. All those days of holding it all inside, pretending that everything was alright. She was completely broken now. She finally understood; she was the one who caused this all, opening her heart to a man like Brendan. Stupid, so fucking stupid.

Vaguely she felt the car stop, heard the soft click of his seatbelt. When she felt his arms wrap around her shoulders, she leaned into him. He undid her seatbelt and drew her close, settling her almost on his lap.

"Rachel," he whispered. "The weight of your regrets is going to kill you. You have to let it go, honey. You've been carrying it around too long."

Her cries were softer as she clung to him, her hands gripping his jacket as she inhaled the scent of his cologne mixed with the smell of his cigarettes. "There were times when he was so incredibly sweet. When he held me, when he kissed me, when he was..." the words were lodged in her throat, a hardened lump of ache and regret.

"If that's the only thing keeping you from letting go, then would it help to know that you can have that same feeling with another guy? With a guy who wouldn't make you just his hotel whore, but his entire world. Those sweet times wouldn't be a rarity. They would be the standard. That's what you deserve, Rachel. Everyone deserves it."

She was quiet now, listening to the soft beating of his heart as he held her close.

"I feel like I know so much about you. I've been in your shoes; I've given my heart away to someone that didn't fucking deserve it. You feel cheated, denied the payoff of a happy relationship. I know what it's like to finally let the wall down, to finally let someone in, to strip away all your fears and doubts and give yourself to them completely only to be hurt. Love like that is always dead on arrival. It's one sided and most likely a poison dart aimed straight for the heart. You can blame yourself for letting this person in, allowing them to hurt you or you can pick yourself up and try to mend the pieces. You move on. You heal. Those are the only things that matter."

Rachel could hear the slight tremor in his voice. It flickered briefly before he cleared his throat, the moment of weakness gone. "Jared?"

"It's no big deal," he said, brushing off her inquiry. "There will always be this pain, but everyday it hurts a little less. You'll see."

Rachel raised her head, her eyes meeting his. She could see the small trace of moisture in his almond- shaped eyes and for a brief moment she wondered who the woman was.

Jared chuckled softly. "I must sound like a bitch." He chuckled again, a painfully awkward sound. "I really wish you would say something."

She pressed her lips to his, so gentle. She felt him holding back, knowing he wanted to deepen it but he restrained himself. It made her push forward, sliding her tongue between his lips. They were so soft, his upper lip a bit plumper than the bottom. She sucked gently on it and he moaned, drawing her closer to him. Her hands clenched him tighter, gripping the leather of his jacket harder. "Rachel," he moaned.

She wanted to kiss him deeper, wanted him to take away that lonely feeling. She could feel that familiar throb of desire beginning to stir, pulsing in a place that had been dormant for so long.

His fingers wove their way through her hair, gripping firm enough to elicit a moan of longing. Her tongue savored the lingering taste of the ice cream. Her body instinctively fell into his, her hips moving her further into him so that she was sitting on his lap.

Jared gripped her hips, his fingers digging into her skin so tightly she gasped with pleasure. She needed to feel him, needed to know for sure that he would take away that numb feeling.

"Jared," she whispered. "Jared please." Fingers traced a jagged path of desperation down his stomach. When her fingers cupped him he let out a low groan.

"Jesus," he said. "Rachel, tell me. Tell me what you want, baby."

"Take it away," she cried. "Make me feel good. Take away this feeling."

His hands clasped hers, stilling their motions. Her eyes. The heated flame of lust burning brightly did nothing to mask the pain hidden clumsily behind it. The hurt was etched deep and dark. He knew he couldn't take advantage of that.

"Rachel," he husked. "We have to stop." He kissed her hands before moving her away with, as she noticed, great effort.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I shouldn't have taken advantage of you like that." She felt the blush of embarrassment creep on her cheeks. God, she practically threw herself at him.

Jared's chuckle was soft as it eased her mind torture. "And here I was, thinking I was taking advantage of you. You're vulnerable right now. You don't know what you what."

"Maybe. I've been so wrapped up in Brendan. My life has been Brendan for the past six months."

She sighed. "But that kiss. That kiss was amazing."

"Yeah, it was. Been a while since I've been gripped like that. You've got some strong hands."

Rachel grinned. "Are you okay?"

"I'm cool. I'm used to rescuing cute girls."

She wanted to ask him. "Jared...who was she?"

"Who? The girl who took me on the infinite merry-go-round of shit? She was a fucking head trip, more concerned with being with different guys when all I wanted was to be with her. She was completely wrong for me, this much I knew. But it didn't stop me from falling headfirst into the most ridiculous, exciting, passionate shitshow ever. But we both know something like that can't last. I realized I couldn't hold her. I couldn't be that wild guy for her and she wasn't willing to be a girlfriend. So we parted ways, not before saying some terrible things to each other. She's nothing but a memory now, a somber reflection on my worst drinking nights." He glanced down at her, kissing the tip of her nose. "Besides, I kind of like the distressed damsel I'm holding right now."

"Did you really mean what you said before; about feeling that way about a different guy?"

"I do" he said, nodding his head. "Brendan might have cracked your heart, but it's not like it can't be repaired. With the right glue, of course."

"The right glue? Are you supposed to be that glue?"

"If you want me to be," he said quietly. "We've all experienced the letdown of love gone wrong, Rachel. But in the end, like I said before, we pick ourselves up and we move on. We deal with the pain in our own little ways. Maybe...maybe I'm the one who helps you to heal."

She let his words sink in. There was something about him, the way he comforted her, his quiet demeanor, the way he listened. It was a salve for her heart. But she couldn't do that to him, especially after what he revealed. "Jared, I can't use you like that. It would be unfair."

"Who said anything about using? I know you need time to really get over him. I know this. I just want you to know that Brendan isn't the only option. That if you want, there is someone else out there who's willing to give you exactly what you want, if only you're ready to let him in."

His sincere words nearly brought fresh tears to her eyes. And she knew them to be sincere; his sienna eyes held no lies. They were completely open and honest, such a change from the nebulously green hue of Brendan Doyle. "Can I think about it?"

He placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. "Of course you can. Now what say we get you inside? I think you've had enough excitement for tonight."

"Inside?" she looked up, realizing they were in front of her house. They scrambled out of the car and Rachel reached into her bag for her keys. As they walked up the steps onto the porch, she turned to him. "Would you...I mean if you want to...do you mind..." She fumbled with the sentence, her nerves getting the best of her.

Jared reached for her hand. "It's no problem. I'll stay."

Rachel breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you."

She unlocked the door and stepped inside, pulling him with her. She switched on the lamp near the door, lighting the living room. Jared took off his jacket, resting it on the back of her couch.

He turned to her as she stepped out of her heels and threw her coat off. "If you show me where the extra blankets are, I can make up a bed on the couch."

She pointed to a closet down the hall. "Blankets and pillows are on the middle shelves. I'm going to change." She padded down the hallway, turning left into the bedroom. Taking a deep breath, she tried to calm the flutter in her chest. Things were so confusing: Brendan, Jared, the way she was feeling towards both. She needed to sort it out. She undressed and quickly changed into a pair of pink shorts and a blue shirt.

Rachel quickly washed her face in the bathroom before heading back to the living room. He made up the couch and already had the television on, flipping through the channels. He looked up when she entered, a flicker of lust in his eyes when he noticed her tiny shorts and tight shirt. He'd kicked off his sneakers and folded his pants neatly on top of his jacket. He was clad in his t-shirt and boxer briefs and Rachel could see the tattoos on his calves.

"Do you want something to eat or drink?" she asked.

"Nah, I'm good." He patted the spot next to him.

She obliged, sitting down and propping her feet up on the coffee table. She reached for his hand, caressing the top softly. He brought their entwined fingers to his lips, kissing her hand.

"What do you want to watch?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "I'm probably going

to crash in the middle of it."

"Party pooper."

"Bawling an entire river can really take the wind out of your sails."

He smiled. "So I hear."

They sat in silence, watching some random action movie until Rachel felt her eyelids droop. She rested her head on his shoulders and before she knew it, she was fast asleep.

********

"Rach?" she felt herself being shaken gently. She felt him press his lips to her cheek. "Rach, you'd be more comfortable in your bed."

Rachel opened her eyes. The television was off. The living room was dark, save for the glow of the streetlamps outside. "What? What time is it?"

"A little after two." He nuzzled her cheek. "Are you ready for bed?"

"Yes," she said with a yawn. "Will you come with me?"

"I...okay."

He rose from the couch, taking her with him and leading her down the hall. "Are you sure you want me to sleep with you?" he asked.

She nodded. "I'm sure." The moonlight shone bright, illuminating her large bed. She pulled back the covers before sliding inside. "Come here."

Jared obliged, getting in beside her. "Rachel, I...are you sure?"

"Yes. It's nice to have someone close. I miss it. Nighttime is the hardest. I get so lonely. I can keep busy all I want during the day but I can't stop my mind from working, especially when I sleep."

He drew her to him, cradling her close. "I think it's like that for everyone. That comfort is the hardest thing to let go of when things end."

"You being here, it helps. It really does. But I don't want to use you as a security blanket."

He kissed her. "Don't worry. You aren't. I want to be there for you, if you want me to be. Now go to sleep. We can talk more in the morning."

It felt oddly settling, nestled in his arms, warm under her blanket. She listened to his steady breathing, felt the warmth of his breath gently caressing the back of her neck.

And as she slept a small, jagged piece of pain fell from her heart, melting into the night.

********

She could hear ringing. Opening one eye, she tried to figure out where the hell it was coming from. She glanced up at the clock; it was only seven-thirty. The ringing continued. Her phone was silent on the nightstand beside the bed.

It was then she realized it was the doorbell. She got up to move when she noticed Jared. He was still next to her, sleeping on his stomach, a protective arm thrown around her waist. The sight sent a warm feeling straight to her heart and once more she felt the icy grip of pain loosen its hold ever slightly over her heart.

Rachel got up from the bed, sliding her feet into a pair of black flip-flops before shuffling down the hallway. She couldn't fathom who would be ringing her doorbell at this early hour. She assumed it was the paper boy looking to collect.

She opened the door, ready to tell the kid to beat it but the sharp words died on her lips as she noticed who it was.