Always and Never Ch. 02

Brendan was standing on her porch.

She blinked slowly. This had to be a dream. Once again she shut her eyes, breathing deeply for a brief second before opening them again. Yup, he was still there. He looked slightly disheveled; his dark denim jeans hung low on his hips and his dark gray knit zippered sweater was a little rumpled. Even his hair was askew, the normally slick reddish brown locks were haphazard, giving him a startled appearance. It was if he'd been running his hands through his hair all night.

Rachel was taken aback. "Brendan what are you doing here?"

"You never answered me back," he said smoothly.

"Brendan, it's really early. Why are you here?"

"I called you. Texted you many times. What were you doing?"

She couldn't believe his line of questioning. He'd ignored her for days and suddenly she was the bad guy? "I was busy. My life doesn't revolve around you."

He scoffed. "Since when?"

"Look, if that's what you came here for...then you can just turn around and walk your ass right back off my porch." She made to close the door but he stuck his foot out.

"No, wait Rachel. We have to talk."

"About what?"

"About me and you."

"There is no 'me and you'. I'm not your wife, remember Brendan? We're not in a relationship. I believe that's what you said to me."

"I know what I said, Rachel. But maybe..."

"No, there's no maybe." Rachel tried to keep her voice low. Grabbing the nearest jacket, she stepped out onto her porch, shutting the door behind her. "Does your wife know you're here?"

"Why do you always have to bring her up?"

"She is a valid point, Brendan. You might try and forget her, but she's always on my mind. You know, these past days have been an eye-opening experience for me."

"Really?" he said. "Is that why you haven't answered my calls?"

She folded her arms across her chest. "Actually yeah. I weighed the situation, decided it wasn't in my favor to keep putting myself through this over and over again. I'm like that mouse in experiments; I keep going for the cheese even though I know it's wired and going to shock me. But I keep thinking I'll outsmart the shock, that I'll beat the system. But it never happens."

His stare was intent. "Rachel, I really have no idea what you're talking about."

Rachel chuckled, a mirthless sound that rang hollow in the early morning air. "No, you wouldn't get it, Brendan. It's always been about what you wanted. And I let you take it, because I guess I was just desperate to fix that tiny crack in my heart. But loving you, it didn't fix the crack; it made it bigger, widening into this chasm of loneliness that got too big to bear."

She looked up at him, her hazel eyes filled with sadness. "I'm not sure when loving you started hurting so much. I guess it's when I realized you could never love me back."

It was uncomfortable, saying these things to him now. She felt exposed in the chilly December air. She zipped up the jacket and realized it was Jared's black hoodie. "I've been playing the martyr for so long, blaming myself for letting you in. I thought it was pointless to hold you responsible for your actions because in the end, you wouldn't care. I just want to know one thing...did you ever even feel something for me besides a desire to control? Did you ever love me?"

She could see that her words were making him uneasy. It was weird to see the great Brendan Doyle sweating a little. "I...what do you want me to say?" he asked. "You knew how things were when we started."

"So that makes it alright?" she countered. "God, Brendan you were married! You used me and the worst part is I let you. You have absolutely no idea the lengths I would have gone to please you. And that scares me, that I would give up so much trust. Especially for a man who wasn't worth it." She sighed. "I thought I would change you, that we'd have this perfect love and you'd realize I was the one you were supposed to be with. You'd leave your wife and we could be happy."

"We could be happy," he said quietly. "You and me."

She laughed softly to herself. "Don't tell me those things," she said. "You won't leave your wife and I'm tired of loving half of a man. I don't deserve that. And I don't need you."

Rachel looked up at him and for the first time, she could see his eyes clearly. They were no longer the cloudy green hue but a greenish brown much like her own. For the first time, she saw a flicker of apprehension in his eyes. "You might not need me, but you can't deny you still want me."

"I won't deny it," she said. "A part of me will always want you. But my life and happiness are much more important. This thing we have going, it's toxic. It's poisoning both of us. So I'm ending it."

"Is that it?" he asked. His voice was slightly raised; he was showing much more emotion than Rachel thought possible. "Are you just going to walk away? Christ, Rachel you made it sound terrible. It wasn't all bad."

A small, sad smile played on her lips. "No, it wasn't. Even during the hurt and the bullshit, we had great times. But I deserve those great times all the time. I deserve someone who won't make me feel like I lose a bit of myself each time I give into him." Her mind went back to Jared, still asleep in her bed. The way he held her close. His lips on hers. "I want to be more to someone than just a hotel fuck."

Brendan grabbed her hand. "Rachel, don't do this. I..." he seemed at a total loss for words. "I need...fuck. I won't say I love you."

She chuckled hollowly. "I wouldn't expect you to. That's not Brendan Doyle fashion. You broke my heart. But it's not like it can't be repaired." She smiled, thinking of Jared once more. "With the right glue."

"Is he the right glue?" Brendan pointed to Jared's car parked out front.

"For the time being, I'm the glue. I'm the one who has to fix things." She took his hands, gently squeezing them. "Time to let go. I hope you find what it is you're looking for."

He pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her. Rachel couldn't help it; she breathed him in, inhaling his cologne for old time's sake.

Even as a small beat of wanting pulsed through her body, she no longer felt that overwhelming desire like before. The flame had cooled to a whisper; she didn't feel that ache for him even as he squeezed her tight. "You should ask yourself why you're finding it so hard to let go," she whispered. Reaching up, she kissed him on the cheek. "Goodbye Brendan."

Rachel stepped away, moving back into her house. She was about to close the door when she heard him speak.

"You did mean a lot to me, Gorgeous."

Her heart almost gave in at the open sincerity in her words. It would be so easy to go back to the way things were, to give in. But she knew things wouldn't change. It would always be like this. And she couldn't and wouldn't do it anymore.

"I know, Brendan," she said in a small voice. "I know. But it's not enough." She sighed. "It's not enough."With one last look, she closed the door on him, finally putting an ending on her chapter of heartbreak.

Walking back down the hallway, her body began to tremble. It was an exhilarating feeling of joy mixed with sadness, elation, and fear. She felt like laughing and crying at the same time, the emotions tumbling into each other. Even as she entered her bedroom, her mind still couldn't grasp the situation, the madness of her actions.

Jared was lying on his back, his eyes still closed in slumber. Rachel slid in next to him. He immediately rolled onto his side, his long and lean body curled around hers in a snug fit.

"Feel better?" he whispered.

She smiled. "You were awake that whole time?"

"I'm a light sleeper." He was quiet for a moment as his sleepy brown eyes focused thoughtfully on her, the emotion hidden in them unreadable. "You wanna talk about it?"

"No," she said with a yawn. "Not right now. I'm done with talking. I just want to sleep."

Rachel was still trembling as he held her tighter. "No problem," he said. "I'll be here when you wake up."

"I'm counting on it." She yawned once more, closing her eyes and snuggling into the pillows.

********

Six months later...

The sharp sound of the alarm pierced the early morning quiet of the dim room. Rachel slid a hand from underneath the blankets, tapping the snooze button. A small groan tumbled from her lips. Six-thirty. She hadn't been up this early since high school. Her dad used to joke that the only people up at that hour were people coming off a night shift and people up to no good.

Rachel practically rolled out her bed, trudging over to her chest of drawers. She reached for a hot pink sports bra and black tank top. As she changed, her phone chirped loudly on the nightstand. Looking at the screen, she smiled before pressing ON.

"Morning sunshine," she said with a giggle.

A loud yawn met her greeting. "You're the only person I know who can be so goddamn chipper at this ungodly hour."

"Aww, poor baby" she cooed putting on a pair of tight pink running shorts. "You were the one who wanted to get into shape. Although I don't know why. You really need to eat a something."

"Mmm, you're right. I think I'm in the mood for something hazel-eyed and chocolate curves."

Rachel laughed. "Behave yourself, sir. We've got three miles ahead of us." She slid on white ankle socks and black New Balance sneakers.

"Ugh, don't remind me. Where are you, anyway? I'm freezing my 'nads off out here."

"Hold your horses, I'm almost ready." Clipping her keys to the waistband of her shorts, she ran down the hallway and swung the front door open, a giant smile plastered on her face. Now there was a great early morning sight.

"Hey there, pretty girl." Jared said with a grin. His long frame leaned against the doorjamb.

"Hey you," she replied. Reaching up on her tiptoes, she kissed him softly on the cheek. As she went to move away, he pulled her closer.

"Now what kind of a kiss is that?" Dipping his head, he lowered his lips to hers, capturing her fullness. Rachel arched higher, her feet practically leaving the floor. It was amazing how he could be so gentle yet forceful at the same time. It sent nervous shivers sprinting down her spine.

Jared set her down gently. "Now that's what I call a good morning. Why don't we just say to hell with the run? I can think of another way to work you out." He wiggled his eyebrow suggestively, the overdramatic gesture making her laugh out loud.

"Nice try, Kuroki. You're not getting out of running. But if you're a good boy, I can guarantee there's a surprise in your future."

"Well shit woman, what are we waiting for."

Bounding down the steps, he began to stretch his limbs. Rachel had to laugh at his attire. When they first started their early morning running dates, Jared forwent real running clothes, preferring to jog in cutoff sweatpants, band t-shirts and Chuck Taylors. After a minor shin injury, Rachel convinced him to change his look to more athletically appropriate. She was astounded and amused when he showed up in running shorts straight out a 1980s track meet and a tight t-shirt, tall striped tube socks and bright running shoes.

His wacky wear became the norm, every morning a different pair of bright, running shorts, a retro tee and bright sneakers. Sometimes he'd even throw in a sweatband for good measure. She loved his goofy side and how he could switch from being completely playful to serious when needed.

As she stretched alongside him, her mind began to wander. The past six months were a trial. It took a while, but she finally felt like she was over Brendan. She kept his number and didn't feel guilty about it. She also didn't feel the need to ever dial it. To her, it was a symbol, a marker of how close she came to losing herself. It was a digital warning to never ignore her gut, to always speak her mind.

She was great, not that fake happy that always comes after a breakup where there's only that pretend happiness to infuriate the ex. No, she was truly happy. Because for the first time in a long time she felt like herself. She knew what she wanted. Things at work were stellar, she and Lucia were closer than ever. After some major groveling that included several dinners at their favorite Italian restaurant, she was able to make up for ignoring her best friend. Besides working at the office, they hung out with Aaron and the girls. Rachel even attempted to get to know the rest of the guys at The Ink Blot, who were really like twelve-year-old boys. It was a new beginning, a second chance.

And then there was Jared. Godsend couldn't even begin to describe him. She was so grateful to have him in her life. Being with him, it was indescribable. At first she couldn't shake the guilty feelings, assuming she was using him as a crutch. But he assured her that that wasn't the case. It had been six long months, during which they grew closer. They hung out nearly every day and he slept over often but they hadn't actually had sex. Despite their growing closeness, she knew she wasn't ready to take that next step. She wanted to wait, and he was okay with that. Call it careful but she wanted to be absolutely sure. And the way things were going, she felt like things were going in the right direction.

And as for Brendan, she hadn't spoken to him since the morning on her porch. It was hard at first, but with the support of Lucia and Jared she pulled through. He hadn't tried to make contact, and she was grateful for that. She avoided places like the bar he owned and of course the Sunshine Motel. There was still a small pang every time she thought about Room 8.

And then there was the incident at the Hilton during the AgriCorp banquet. She and Lucia were there as a favor to their client for planning and hosting the event. Jared was her date for the evening. They were chatting with the AgriCorp CEO and his wife when she noticed him out of the corner of her eye. He looked dapper in his tailored black tux, his arm wrapped around the slender waist of a bubbly brunette Rachel knew to be his wife. His wife was talking animatedly, her chirpy voice breathy and high-pitched. Brendan was silent, sipping from his champagne flute with a positively bored look on his handsome face.

It was as if he felt her staring at him. His eyes met hers and a look of genuine surprise crossed his features. Rachel should have known he would have been there. Laura, her secretary was in charge of the guest list and sending out the invitations. She should have remembered that AgriCorp did business with Brendan's family. Despite how great it was to have Jared on her arm, she couldn't help the nervous flutter in her chest when she saw him. Brendan gave her a soft smile and tilted his head greeting. And that was it. No tears, no champagne in the face. It was civil. And that's when she knew things would be okay.

"Are you ready?" Jared asked, bringing her out of her musings.

She glanced up at him and his ridiculous outfit.

"Oh yeah. Are you ready for me to kick your ass?"

He laughed. "We'll see Tunney. You'll have to catch...Hey!" He yelled in protest as she took off down the street, her loud giggle bouncing off the empty cul de sac. "Way to cheat, Tunney!"

She pumped her legs harder. "Wah-wah-wah. Less talking, more running Kuroki!" She slowed down a little for him to catch up.

As he met up with her pace, he elbowed her slightly. "You are going to pay for that."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Move it. Loser buys breakfast." Rachel sped up once more. Her heart pounded loudly in her head.

It sounded like freedom.

********

Thanks for sticking out this kind of painful but extremely therapeutic ride. I'll be posting the playlists for Always and Never on my blog soon, so definitely check it out. New Stories to come! n4m