All Comments on 'An Affair of Revenge: Ch. 01'

Why didn't you finish this?

It decent but it really could have been completed in one submission.

I hope we don't have to wait ages for the conclusion.

I've given 3 because of the above

Daddyshit

Not a bad start. A tried and tested plot, and we'll written. As yet we know next to nothing about Liliana, apart from she's a wife who likes sex. Everything else is centered around the main character, and unfortunately, even though it appears he's being wronged, not only by his wife but also one of his best friends, he loses a lot of sympathy because he sounds like a bit of a knobend. Too much testosterone and good ol boy behaviour I'm afraid.

At the moment the story is following a well trodden path. However it does have the feeling that there could be a twist, hopefully the author does indeed have something different in mind, and doesn't let the whole thing descend into the usual BTB chest thumping.

You have made a decent start. I agree with the first comment that this could have been done in one unless you have a longer part(s) coming next with something other than one of the few types of usual ending. A 4 since it is at least somewhat better than most first timers here, especially in this category.

You don’t NEED leverage to divorce someone.

Just get the fucking divorce. It’s really simple, you get a lawyer, tell him you want to divorce your spouse, he’ll draw up some paperwork and presto! You’ve begun the process of divorce.

Because there are no kids involved and only material assets, you split those up and call it a day.

You don’t spend money you don’t have to hire a PI and then spend another week playing detective.

Just get a divorce OJ.

Couldn't really tell whether she's cheating until that one text message of her asking Mattison if he needs more pussy kind of says it all, you don't say things like that to someone who is not your significant other

Agree with Tajfa

Good start to a story. Annoying place to leave us hanging before any actual action has occurred.

The two times Liliana's pussy was described it sounds like she has a loose stretched out hole ... How would he ever get off while fucking her?

He should have waited for her the night he found her phone was in her car. She had to come back for the phone and car. He is very flighty and his own worst enemy

If you're going to split it up into parts, each part should have its own satisfactory arc and a good resting point. Which is why splitting a story up into many parts is a tough act, it usually ends up with horrible pacing. Writing a full story and then splitting it up into two (or more) isn't the way to go, though. Especially when it's for a plot that's very well-worn at this point.

Great start - looking forward to the next.

Is that guy bored somehow? She cheats, he knows and talks with a lawyer. Simple as that. No need for two phones, sleeping in a hotel and other shit. Why waste the money and time?

Off to a good start. More please.

My last comment got dropped. First of all I gave you 4 stars for having the balls to submit a story. You write well enough to tell a story. You need to learn to cover plot holes.

First why did the MC tell Mattison a thing? Except to possibly see if he'd break right then, which his not likely. Instead it put his wife on alert.

The thing with the second phone is wasted effort. If he takes his sim card, doesn't that render the other one useless? If he is using a burner then just use it. OR figure how to make calls forward from one cell to another. (Not sure you can but a quick trip to your phone place will tell you.) Dumb impossible things get you gigged by readers.

If he just wants to divorce the bitch, he can at any time. He could confront her with her phone in her car at work, her not there at all as a reason. Flimsy to family and friends after 12 years but hey, still there. I am guessing he wants incontrovertible proof. which means catching them in the actor a confession.

Second, some readers go for the sex and that is how they rate a story. Screwing the wife and finding her pussy so wet it feels like he is fucking goo? Seriously. No matter how wet, she shouldn't be stretched out like that. Even using that 12 inch horse cock dildo he found.

That alone i find a something that is an absurdity. I've had three or four women that told me the horse cock dildos they have were bought for them by men. That men fantasize more about that than women. (None wanted a tiny one either)

Get your story line straight first. A sex scene is not as important as providing a well written story. Now let's see that next chapter.

Going good so far but I am not super stoked about another multi-part story. There seem to be a lot of them being turned out, and many of them could have been combined in one submission.

Along those lines I agree with Tajfa, it's a 3.

Karnevil says that he loses a lot of sympathy for Andrew because he sounds like a bit of a knobend. I don't agree with that as Andrew apparently has a valid reason for being a 'knobend'. As far as the high testosterone and good ol boy behaviour, how do you get that? The guy's wife is apparently getting porked by another man and that other man is one of few friends he has left. This doesn't come close to good 'ol boy behavior. A GOB would have already cleaned the kitchen with Mattison and kicked the slut out of the house with the evidence he already has.

I think Andrew has been fairly sedate,...or sedated. This is my big issue, self medicating at a time like this is just stupid. Lilianna only has to make the insinuation and the courts will require Andrew to pee in a cup. Then things will get serious for him.

Too many complications which’s re not required…

What you going to leave us wondering I think the affair is with his other best friend LOL

He needed even more proof? Really? Let's see where this is going!

Good start, hopefully won’t have to wait ages to find out what is going on

A little messy but it's definitely held my interest.

Overall, 4*

P.S. a penis does not get longer or fill up with semen. LoL!

ok nice build-up...

I'm a-waiting the next chapter.

But boy do I have bad vibes about Andrew.

Great first effort. Can’t wait to read the next part.

Well so far it follows formula, I'm hoping that you have something really grand up your metaphoric sleeve. I'll go easy on your first story on here. BUT if his work mate has his phone and not sim, how does he post on Instagram and if he can he some how or other he has given out his password? Not very wise that.

I hate all this amateur PI shit.

No fault divorces are available just about everywhere now. He found phone evidence that she was cheating on him already. Just divorce the slut and move on.

It would be very interesting to find out whether these mentally ill folks genuinely see the world like this, or whether this is a fantasy of a world in which they would belong, where people around them would have respect for them.

Comment censorship and the comment was not that bad. Supportive of some aspects and found flaws on some. Way to win friends.

A paranoid, jealous husband with his mind running wild. This does not paint a picture of a healthy couple and he comes across as a real jerk. You may not leave it like that, but that's the way it seems. This is NOT going to end well.

Simply put, this guy is written as if he's a moron. Yes, he has all the concerns mentioned but when he thinks that his wife is cheating... he asks the guy he thinks is the AP (one of his best friends)!!! What an idiot. If it is true, of course she is going to change everything. No more emails/txt messages and the PI finds nothing. As others have said, why didn't he watch for when she returned to her car? She might have been dropped back by her AP, if she has one.

Plus, this guy is letting himself "go" physically. Getting unfit and fat and doing nothing about it. Work/Life balance! If he could only afford the PI for a week, why didn't he make it the week when he was to be away? He's so useless, he won't know what to do attempting to follow her himself.

good start

A decent start, but too many plot holes.

When he discovered her phone was in her car while the office was dark, why didn't he wait and see where she came from when returning to her car and who she was with? He didn't need to confront her, just observe her actions.

Next, why would he tip Mattison off to any concerns when he knows that the two of them are in secret communication (if not bed)? Of course his wife is instantly going to be tipped off as well.

Granted, he had to be this stupid to necessitate the fake trip you wanted to include in the story...

.

That said, I will admit that this is pretty good for a first post. I look forward to future stories and hope to see you improve from the feedback you get.

Unless there's a pre-nup, why is he dragging this out. He has enough proof to know she is lying to him and betraying him. Why doesn't he just confront her and move on. Also confront his supposed friend.

Clearly Andrew is not someone I would trust either. Not clear what he is looking for. The PI showed her having an affair already.

FTDS

Do you need to be hit in the head with a brick?

Either shez sneaky cause mattisom was tipped off or she is planning a birthday bash for him, some surprisr like that, early trip overseas?

Andrew.... dirty bastard. Mattison is covering for Andrew. Why?

Awesome story: looking forward to the next chapter.

Can't tell if he is paranoid or his wife is really cheating on him!

4

Your understanding of the physiology and functioning of the male reproductive system is.... laughable. After I made it through the introductory LULZ, there were several of these "interesting" visuals.

So far it’s a cliche filled cheating wife story. If you’ve read one you have read a 1,000 of them. These stories where the husband comes up with a myriad of complex surveillance scenarios before taking action are boring. Not to mention, stupid. 3* because it’s written halfway decently and it’s the author’s first posting. I hope this isn’t one of a million first chapter stories that never have the subsequent parts published because the new author’s feelings are hurt because the story wasn’t rated 5.0! BTW, any husband who refers to his wife’s vagina as a twat, deserves to be cheated on.

Frustrating. When hubby discovered wifey’s phone in car, just wait there until she returns and confront her. The super spy shit is dull and over used.

So far reads like another dumb shit clueless cuck story. Why waste all that money and time on PI's, that shit only happens in LW authors' minds? If their marriage is not close and deep enough to bring up his concerns then he doesn't have a marriage worth saving. You're going to go all technical on the method and technology and process, and ignore the only part of the story that is compelling and dramatic: is she fucking around on him, and why? And if she is, why does she care if the dumb cuck finds out, is he just a meal ticket? If he clueless cuck can't discern that level of contempt and disrespect then he deserves whatever shit she dumps on him.

No one is that smart in covering up an affair. Could be a false alarm. Is he paranoid! Soon I hope part 2 is finished

Looking forward to the rest of the story.

Ed

Hi all, thank you for the feedback, it is extremely helpful. I'm a terrible writer, and this is my first attempt at writing anything, so appreciate you all going easy on me all things considered. The 2nd chapter is already written and is awaiting review. You're right - I should've submitted it all in one go. I didn't realize how few words I'd written compared to your average story. As for the plot hole, I feel comfortable enough to say that Mike is an insecure and unstable man, possibly willingly in denial.

It's too late to make major improvements to the next chapter, but your feedback is well received and I'll do my best to incorporate tighter writing and more sensible plot beats in Chapter 3.

Catch that cheating bitch red handed, and take a Mickey Mantle model Louisville Slugger along to use on her lover.

The texts were more than enough proof

For a first timer this is very good. Very few readers can appreciate how difficult it is to write a coherent story. Just ignore the negative comments from idiots that can barely read let alone write. Look forward to the second chapter.

I liked this. Nice plot twist, didn't think Andrew would screw over a friend like that, especially after pleading his case about her not leaving him. Well, at least he knows why he couldn't get his wife to orgasm as often as he used to. It's hard to compete with a thick 12-13 inch dong, not to mention going 4 times in one night. And Liliana having sex with Mattison to keep him from telling Mike she's cheating with Andrew really shows their friendship. Not! What a slut. I hope Andrew knocks her up, and she has his kid, just to prove to everyone what a pair of cheaters they are. After all, she's only 33. She'll be a single mother in no time. I do agree with 26thNC as a way to right the wrong. I thought he was going to do that in the bedroom, but didn't.

You're not a terrible writer, just need to write more to get better at it. :-)

I have a hard time believing anyone could go along fucking her and not confronting the cheaters. Emotions just don't allow it.

Pretty good storyline, for sure. Only part that didn't work for me was it was clear by his actions he knew about the affair. Someone would have "broke" at that point, especially after the rough sex. 4.4*

It'd be funny to find out she's fucking all of her men friends, or that all of his Assumptions are wrong and that she is sick..

Kind of a crappy way to end a chapter. Like you're in the middle of a paragraph and it just ends. Hopefully, more to come?

Another cliche

12 " dildo really!

Out of shape just drink and take pills

No plans. Phone app monitor All in real time etc

Just keep taking stupid pills

I quit

Like the plot, the way you have set it up but it really needs the following parts soon…..

It's obvious his other so called friend is in on it probably fucking his wife too. He should have beat the everliving crap out of Mattison. Then questioned him about all the pertinent info. No need for private eyes etc just record the conversation on the phone. Then go home tie the bitch up and turn her into a sex slave over a week or two after breaking her mind.

We are so fortunate that you only wrote 3 stories. Do us all a favor and retire now; thank you.