An Unwitting Discovery

I tried to distract myself by putting away, and organizing, the rest of the school materials we'd generated. I placed thing in neat stacks in the bedroom. I segregated her items from mine, thinking about how that separation might expand if she decided we couldn't continue. The maddening hour came to an end. Well, it was at least fifty minutes when I gave in and texted Suzan.

"Please, come back." Oddly, though, I heard the ping from somewhere nearby. Her purse was right there in the bedroom with me. Fuck, she hadn't taken her purse. I grabbed my coat and headed to the door to go out and look for her.

As if on cue Suzan was knocking on our door. She apparently had also forgotten her key. I opened the door and couldn't contain my relief. "Oh, my god, honey." I swept her off her feet. "Please, don't ever leave me again." I kissed her as she hugged me tightly.

Her cheeks were cold, and she was shivering lightly. The shock she'd had gotten, after seeing her sixteen allele results beside my Mom's, was far from resolved. Running out into the cold night hadn't made any big change, but she'd come back.

Finally, she spoke. "I'm sorry, Tommy. I love you. I really do. I just don't know if I can do this."

Her tears started again. No matter how I consoled her, she wasn't coming back from her retreat. Jagged sighs replaced her sobs as she began to fall asleep. She seemed to be shutting down and within moments she was nearly silent. I took her to our bedroom, set her on our bed, knelt beside her and stroked her beautiful strawberry blond hair. Tears had reddened the area around her eyes. As she lay motionless on our bed I wondered how she'd even made it back to the apartment. There was a strength in her, I just knew there was.

I removed her shoes and socks and pulled the covers over her to warm her and allow her to sleep. In her emotionally induced apoplectic state, it was as if her discovery had become her unwitting. I sat beside the bed in the floor, not wanting to leave her alone, I held her hand. I worried that nearly anything I did might cause any further emotional distress, so I dare not sleep with her in the bed.

The emotional stress was having some impact upon me, as well, but - in her brief absence - I had already made up my mind. I did have slight advantage in the circumstances, since I had already been prepared for thinking about this situation, because of one that was very similar. During my trip to Europe with Dad and Aunt Katie, I had developed empathy for their situation. I'd tried to imagine what I might do. What would I do, to help my sibling? I'd thought it was a rhetorical exercise, of course since I didn't have any brothers or sisters, at the time. I'd decided I agreed with them living as a couple. There was little chance they were hurting one another or anyone else. Now - now, I knew; I would do anything I could.

This wasn't exactly the same situation, but Suzan and I had been drawn to one another. We'd done everything right. We'd taken the time to make sure it was love not lust. We'd learned each other's desires and dreams. Now, I was determined that I would do anything I could to keep her. Naturally, I wouldn't go against her wishes, but there was no reason to share what we'd learned publicly. My mind desperately sought out ways to help. Involvement of outside people seemed out of the question. Soon, I was asleep on the floor, holding my beloved's hand.

Sometime later, Suzan stirred and I awoke. She was looking down at me in the dim light. I smiled at her and she returned it. She squeezed my hand weakly. Our gazes were full of love and concern.

"Why are you down there?" she asked hoarsely.

"I love you. I know it was a shock. I can only imagine how you feel."

"I don't want to think about it. Come up here and hold me. I need you," she whispered.

"That's why I stayed," I said, as I got to my knees. I leaned in to hug her tightly.

"Up here," she said a little more forcefully, as she pulled my arms toward her.

I joined her on the bed and spooned her tightly with the covers separating us.

"Under the covers, please?" she pleaded.

"Suzan, I want to give you time to think this through."

"Please?"

I joined her under the covers. "I don't want to hurt you, sweetie. I could never forgive myself."

"I know."

I hugged her tightly. I knew that procrastinating, not talking about the problem we faced, wouldn't make anything better. However, I thought, just having some time to absorb the information might be needed. I didn't want to interfere in that process. She had to come to accept what I already knew. We just don't get to choose who we love.

We laid together, under the covers, for a long time, her breath gentle and unperturbed by any further jagged sighs. I could tell she was awake, but remained silent. How quickly would she go through the stages? My AP psychology class, in high school, had taught me that Dr. Kübler-Ross's DABDA model applied to many things, not just death and dying. Our teacher had expressed the idea they may simply exemplify the basic process of integrating new information that conflicts with previous beliefs. It felt like Suzan was still in the denial stage and anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance were a ways off. I wondered if we were even going to go to Corpus now.

In the morning Suzan was still in bed with me. I took it as a good sign. I lay with her until she began to stir. She turned over to me and kissed me lightly on my lips.

"I love you. We need to get ready to leave," she said.

"You still want to go?" I asked hesitantly.

"They are expecting us. We've been planning to go for almost two months. I don't know what we're going to do, but I feel we should go."

I let her shower first, not knowing what level of interaction we would have, now. I packed a big duffel bag while she was in the shower. I put it and my backpack with my laptop by the door. Suzan reappeared, completely naked, from the shower. As she began to dress, I could see tears forming in her eyes. I went to her and kissed her.

"You need to get your shower, so we can go," she said, as she sadly stroked my cheek.

I simply obeyed her and showered quickly. When I came back into the room, she had packed. Her bag, her backpack, a purse, and her pillow sat at the front door with my stuff. I got dressed quickly. We both put on light winter coats. I made three trips to carry items to the car, and added our guitars at the last moment. I locked the apartment and we walked hand in hand to the Taurus. I opened the passenger door and assisted her into her seat. When I closed the door, she took the pillow she had carried from the house and placed it between her head and the door. She laid her head against it as I started the car and thumbed the button for the heater.

It was around 6:30 AM, and we had a long trip - over 20 hours - ahead of us. The morning was chilly, and the chill seemed to reach all the way into my heart. I hoped our trip to warmer climate would improve Suzan's mood, but only time would tell. Her breath fogged the window, lightly, as she rested. She seemed to be withdrawing further but, somehow, she'd mustered the strength and the courage to undertake this trip with me.

*

To be continued. Let us know what you think.