All Comments on 'Ashelin'

I suspect there are two reasons this story is not rated higher.

Chiefly, it lacks a link between the two. It is merely a stroke story, lacking how they are related to one another and how they feel about one another.

It is emotionally and relationally lacking.

Secondly, it would be better if more of the story were told with dialog. For example, the second paragraph was ripe with opportunity for dialog, such as:

She came to his table and said, "I'm Ashelin. I noticed you staring at me."

He replied, "Yeah, pretty hard to keep my eyes off a looker like you. I'm Greg. I kinda think you were looking at me, too. Care to join us and visit a bit? I'd like to get to know you better."..

Anyway, that's enough to make my point.

Paul in Oklahoma