All Comments on 'Avalon Ch. 01'

We get that you can use a dictionary! My goodness did you have to use ALL the words you found in each sentence?

Some of the words you've used don't even make sense in the sentences.

Try being descriptive, but concise. You loose your reader otherwise.

You started out saying she sat upright in Dr. Carter's acting like she didn't know how she got there or why and she was in some doctors bed. Then you go on calling him Carter.

Less is best. Get an Editor and get help with tenses and where you are coming from in the story so as to NOT confuse readers.

Is Carter playing a video game? Aside from the unnecessary sound affects, this story did not work for me. It was too fast paced and jumpy. I stopped reading at "sploot".

but ended-up with gimmicky, jerky, soft focus, and underwhelming. Sorry, but this was so overwritten at first I thought it was a parody; as it turned out, it isn't; parodies should be absorbing, funny, self-referential, sometimes with a hint of malice, always sharp and, hopefully, witty. Not here, so it's not a parody, and it's too jerky to be absorbing, as the reader's flow is constantly being brought to a standstill by gimmicky writing and unnecessary word-brush.

The author needs to write the story so everyone else not resident in his head gets what he's trying to say, not just unreel it and hope it works for everyone as well as it does for him.

Because of this lack of connection the story left me neither shaken nor stirred, in fact it left nothing, and I don't like that, it denotes lack of understanding of the basics of the writer's craft; a weak story well-told is worth so much more than a good story hopelessly smudged and obscured by the author's aspirations as a writer.

IMHO, being clever is all well and good, but if you want other people to like a story, or even follow it cogently, throw them a bone and back it down a notch or two so it doesn't come across as clever-clever, self-satisfied, and smug.

One star would be harsh, as would two, 4 would be undeserved, so three stars, and a hope that next time you throttle back a bit on the writing and concentrate more on telling the story; we know you can write, so please do continue, just ease-up on the clever, and drill-down into the smutty, it works so much better

Uh...no. There was possibility. It was buried.

I appreciated the feedback. Avalon is the tenth chapter in an ongoing diary detailing the adventures of Peri Halstead and other characters introduced, SPLOOT! long ago. It sounds as if you may have come to the library late. Please read the prior stories in date order for the full experience. MP2