All Comments on 'Baby's In Black'

what happened to the missing persons division?

all he had to do was report in, and they would investigate who he was.

This was one hell of a story. I really enjoyed it. One kiss can make a man go completely bonkers. I liked the way he treated his son. I had to do that to mine when he was 16 and bigger than me. After getting his ass whipped he changed into the man I love and respect. He's a staff sargent and a tank commander in the army. HDK Thank you for making my day. Luis

Yeah, he coulda been Joe Kobuta. :-) It's too bad that all parents don't do the same to their misfits roaming the streets. You do kinda wonder if Beth is telling the complete truth, no? Not much, but kinda? Don't ya feel like he shoulda given ol' Jack a love tap for old times sake? He could well have, or had, a concussion, so he's damn lucky there. Well, all's well that ends well and it did. A very good ending!!

The story started okay. But then you filled it up with backstory more than plot. I know more about rocks than these characters. And just when it was getting interesting you rushed the ending.

Great reading - a short morality tale which DHK does so well. Yeah, yeah, I know it should be HDK, but you know that I have a problem with names.

Great story, but a pity it wasn't a bit longer, although you could add another section or two.

Like all your other story lines, great reading.

and great little story that provided a flow that carried me all the way. I could go on and on, but the story and style speak for themselves. a fan always.

I liked the imagination that went into this story. Between this story and Dear Prudence it's clear that you are very creative. Yet I think that this should have been a much longer tale as the plot should have been developed so much more. It seemed that you rushed to finish the story. At one point he is a scraggily laborer and in almost one sentence you had him shave in a suit and with his entire memory back. I know it's work but bring your charactors along a little more.

Also you broke up a lot of paragraphs into smaller ones unnecessarily. It made things a bit harder to read.

The dialog was so unnatural and hopeless for a person just woken up with amnesia. The story in itself was good, but the writer should have used some time to study what happens when somebody have amnesia. Very poorly written from that angle. Sorry.

Thanks for a good story.It could have been longer,But that is a complement to your writing.

Really liked the story, and hope you will do a second chapter. You have developed some interesting characters, that need filling out.

Very entertaining.

As was stated by one commenter the amnesia angle was a bit off by medical standards, but who out there reading this really cares but a very few who know better. His reaction to not wanting to know anything and do everything he could to find out who he was doesn't ring true, but was probably necessary for this short story to work.

Thank you for your great effort and talent.

PT

No sex but what the hey. It shows that someones mind ain't in the freezer.

Fine story from an excellent writer.

Lyrics:

Oh dear, what can I do

Baby's in black and I'm feeling blue

Tell me, oh, what can I do

She thinks of him

and so she dressed in black

And though he'll never come back

she's dressed in black

Oh, dear, what can I do

baby's in black and I'm feeling blue

Tell me oh, what can I do?

I think of her

but she thinks only of him

And though it's only a whim,

she thinks of him

Oh, how long will it take

till she sees the mistake she has made?

Dear, what can I do

Baby's in black and I'm feeling blue

Tell me oh, what can I do

She thinks of him

and so she dresses in black

And though he'll never come back

she's dressed in black

Oh, dear what can I do

Baby's in black and I'm feeling blue

Tell me oh, what can I do?

Recording: 8/11/64

Northern Songs. All Rights Reserved. International Copyright Secured.

I hope you will write a chapter 2 i loved the way steve kicked his goth son with the rings on his face.

A gripping tale from the very first paragraphs. It might have been nice if the final scene had played out a bit more slowly and fully, but it works beautifully just as you did it.

Congratulations on another winner!

ohio

Great story and I loved it. I was disapointed there was not hot sex, facials, impreginations and the like but I still gave it top rating. Which I would not normally do for a story on here without sex. But it was that good of a story.

It was not too rushed for me at least. I do not have a lot of free time usually to spend on these sites. I will usually look to the bottom to see how many pages a story is and even if it is in the genre I like if its over 3 pages it is rare I read one. Some nights I might only look at 1 or 2 page stories if I can only jump on for a shorter time. So he may be exposing himself to even more people to enjoy the great writting by not making it too long.

Eexcellent tale, enjoyed it very much.

One tiny nit: "That left my secretary, Jackie, Beth and Jeff."

Does that sentence refer to three people or four? Four as written but three was the author's intent. Many's the slip 'twixt cup and lip, when commas are involved.

"They were, truthfully, the best burgers I could ever remember eating!"

There is this nice sense of subtlety in your writing. You have to really watch close so as not to miss gems like this.

I liked that the story was orthogonal in style to most of the stuff on lit. Nice construction - I liked the way you built the story slowly as he learned to stack rocks. It wasn't so much what he was doing but it showed his character. He clearly knew a lot about construction and that set up the ending.

Nice stuff!

Regards, Jack

Another good story HDK. I liked the fact that it wasn't about cheating life per se. Goes to show not all stories here about messed up crap is the result of cheating one way or another. As I like to say, Keep it up!

Great story as long as there is a follow-up. Too many loose ends otherwise

i live in Binghamton. Would love to have a follow up story

The first comment is a simple disagreement. This time HDK, hit the middle road (great sign from the readers: some complain that it’s too rushed while some complain that it should have been longer). As far as the substance, what could have been the point of elaborating on what amounts to a routine work in which you become more skilled over time? IMO, an author should be allowed to assume that the reader can fill obvious gaps of this nature on his/her own. Second, you want the author to keep the dramatic tension (not to mention the reader’s shorter and shorter attention span), focused on the main thread of the plot. In good story telling as in swimming, if you don’t move forward - you sink.

The point of Puzzlement has to do with the language. I for one am plagued with too long sentences. I know it’s bad for comprehension. Now, you claim that breaking down longer sentences to shorter ones caused problem in your understanding.

I for one, did not notice any such problems. I was taught by all my

teachers to always prefer shorter sentences. Would you care to clarify?

Just because I had to ask in my first posting another reader and writer regarding his comments to HDK’s newest, it doesn’t mean I have 'finished' with HDK himself! Not so easily pal, especially when it comes to some good stuff. It’s actually a great opportunity to point out how things COULD be done right (and people say that all reviewers do is always being always being negative). I'll point out just few examples. As it is I don't know how many will take the time to read it all...

1. The Introduction. There is no introduction. At least not a formal one. Before you know it, you are right with the guy, disoriented (as not knowing much more than he does) even about his own character. What a great way to weave into the plot, mostly through dialog,the needed information about the past background etc. Usually you'll find this kind of information in long blocks of formal introductions. Not too interesting.

2. Building sub plot(s). It is clear to us from the beginning that mastering the physical skills which are needed at the moment for survival, is serving the bigger purpose of the main plot: finding the lost identity, and most likely - who stole it. But unlike many middle of the story devices, this need not be, and indeed is anything but ‘a space filler’. Any previous awareness to the function of a well planned sub plot should inform the reader regarding its most common functions. One key function is: preparations for a key conflict in the main plot, soon coming upon you. Here it’s literally the physical strength, and with it the psychological strength the main character gains through the struggle of the hardships of hard physical work). Another function you find in many sub plots: it’s in fact a parallel narrative in which either the nature of the whole story is reflected and/ or the end of the conflict is foretold even if it’s somewhat hinted or symbolically portrayed. For example, the whole duration of the sub plot is a struggle, but more specifically early in the sub plot he exposes a scheme to cheat him of a fair payment. This is a hint which foretells us of what's to come (if you have not read yet I won't destroy it for you). You have some clue as to how to read a sub plot – for better or for worse, you won’t be too surprised at the end. You will be able to make an educated guess that this guy will probably face some struggle; probably his physical strength will be involved and definitely his wits will be put to use.

3. Weaving a literary/ artistic theme – such as suggested by the story’s name:” Baby’s in black”, adds more depth and a sense of rich texture. You can take the allusion to the alluded piece, compare and contrast etc. At times, but not too often, the allusion is made to be concrete. In this story it's done with the wife’s behavior and clothing. The bonus of setting a literary theme of this nature is that it sets the reader early on, on a course of expectations and guessing: When/how will the “Woman in black” motive finally present itself? If you already took the time to look it up, you would wonder to what degree the use of it in the story is going to resemble the original and what might have been the considerations behind the differences.

4. Last but not least, this is a non sequitur, but still very relevant to the way many deserving stories are being accepted by the very cite which hosts them. I have been a big advocate and a grateful one, for what "Literotica" does and enables for so many people to do. As usual, I say it loud and clear whenever I can. That does not mean that it’s beyond faults of its own. Here is a glaring and painful one (to me). I hope someone will listen.

To many readers and fellow authors, HDK is one of the few who consistently stands at the top of the list as most appreciated as a writer. It stand to reason to wonder how come the taste adviser(s) of the cite have not seen eye to eye with so many readers and authors who consistently recommended this original author through their comments over the years. Amazingly, not one (!) - check for yourselves - of HDK’s stories has so far been considered worthy of the quality recognition by the taste adviser(s) here.

My comment could work in one of two ways. One: If the Anon taste adviser(s) take the time and intellectual courage to non- defensively examine habits and attitudes and move to correct this (and similar others) long standing oversight.

Second: in the unlikely case that this wake up call does not affect any change – to highlight for the public the growing gap and the sorry (yet correctable) state of the growing irrelevancy of the quality awards, as reflected by the cumulative judgments over a long period of time of thousands of readers of all backgrounds, levels of education and tastes including the inner circle of the best authors of this very cite.

but, the ending seemed rushed to me.

Endings are the hardest part of a story to craft, and it takes time.

Everything does not need to be neatly tied up with a nice blue bow, but too many unresolved possibilities will always spoil a supposedly complete story.

She cheated! And now that he's back she tries to cover??? Kick the ass clean off the other smug asshole, and then file for divorce from the miserable cunt!

"And if ye shall think of it, and it be a sin, so it is as if ye have done it as well, and guilty are ye of this sin, and more, of lying to the Father as well, so as to excuse the sin, and thus shall ye lose the Kingdom of Heaven".(Jesus to his Apostles on the commission or ommission of sin).

You did NOT hear it here first, folks! NOW KICK THE CHEATING, LYING CUNT TO THE CURB!!!

This story was really quite interesting until the very end. I have a major reservation with the story line at that point. It is this...If Beth Landers had not done anything with Jack Thompson, and if her association with him was not somewhat intimate after Steve's disappearance, why was he there as a buyer of the business? Given that Steve Landers fled because of him and that he was partially to blame for Steve's presumed death, why was he even being considered at all? Obviously the author can have the characters do and say whatever he wants, but from the point of view of common sense, the story line is illogical, or at least questionable, regarding this issue. And this issue is key to the way the story ended. A kind treatment of Beth would have been for Steve to divorce her with a generous settlement and get her out of his life for good.--------I also wish that some favorable recompense was given to Stan at the end of the story bacause of his kindness and friendship to Steve. Cheers!

Garbage. Simply that.

Well written and a very good story. Kudos!

Listen up people. This guy dosen't write porn, he writes stories with an erotic twist. And they do twist. He takes what a lot of us feel and moves it away from raw sex to a type of reality that falls into the "really could happen" catagory. If you want a detailed account of two people fucking find another story teller. I'm a new reader and look forward to his other works.

one of your best! ......... rich

Good story, but the end seems rushed. It could have been a great story. It was a good reading. Thanks for sharing it with us.

I sure hope he helped Stan out. Stan sure helped him out.

oNE OF THE BEST I'VE READ. HDK AT HIS CLASSIC BEST BEFORE HE STARTED HIS O'HENRY IMITATION OF SATIRE WITH SURPRISE ENDINGS. A GRADUAL BUILD UP OF THE MEMORY RETURN, SMASH ENDING WHEN HE KICKED HIS SON OUT AND REUNION WITH HIS FAITHFUL? WIFE. TERRIFIC WRITING,HDK

60 YEAR OLD GEORGE

Nice story. We're left wondering about the state of the marriage before the amnesia, and why the wife cheated. It's nice that the couple realized how much they cared for each other, but they haven't had the chance to deal with their dysfunctional relationship yet so their problems may crop up again later. Would like to know what happens next.

Good story, think I liked a lot.

ending or new beginning? Liked it.

wow what a lovely plot, just a pity you made it so short, you cound have done so much with this story

Amanda - Australia

Wanted it longer to. Maybe rewrite it to be longer please?

I have this sneaking suspicion that you and a few other writers on this site read or are influenced by Shakespearean comedies. I could be totally wrong, however, I like Shakespearean comedies and I also enjoy your stories. It could be that I need to adjust my meds! Oh, and before I annoy any other readers, no I am not comparing this or anyother writer on this site to the Bard.

Not your finest work. The dialouge is stilted and the writing lacks clarity. I believe it was a beginning effort

If there are many other authors who can get as much done in two pages as HDK, there sure can't be many of them!

This certainly wasn't a beginning effort as someone just suggested unless he went back and editted it. It looks to me like his early efforts were in 2004.

Great story! Well paced, interesting, entertaining.

However, it does seem to be lacking in areas and incomplete but good enough for the 4**** rating I gave it.

Thanks for sharing. You have great ideas for stories.

Stan sort of got short changed at the end.For all he did for Steve it would have been nice to see some sort of reward. Like maybe a better job. Thanks for the story. Jim

Definitely of older vintage, much more like Eleanor Rigby but nowhere near the depth of that story...

Its always nice when there is no real cheating. I hate cheaters.

She's a cheater! He'll get screwed again by her. She's been Fucking Jack and will continue. So don't try to cover it with a stuipid Husband.

Neat, sweet and well written (as usual)

for you 0=0+0

I liked this story... I admit at first I figured it would turn out to be a "lover" who tried to off him so was surprised by the carjacking... but when people say she was cheating without anything the writer wrote indicating that it confuses me...

By the end there was nothing you wrote that should give anyone the idea she had cheated - while giving a kiss might have meant given a chance she MIGHT have cheated, mights aren't dids... and clearly she was distraught about even what she did...

Thank you for another fantastic story.

"My God! You've become a hunk. Does that mean your stamina is better, too?"

After all that he went through (just a kiss...really?) that was her first thoughts? Wow, she would be in the running for one of the shallowest women in a lit story.

A fun read. Thanks for the offering.

I only let you see me kissing another man. I won`t mention all the fucking we`ve been doing before and since. I won`t mention trying to hand over your business to my lover. We won`t talk about the guy I hired to murder you and make it look like a robbery, so that my lover and I could be together and live off of your life`s work. By the way honey, remind me to get a refund from Hired Killers Ltd.

One more thing Sweetie, why don`t you and I celebrate your being alive by taking a short boating trip alone in shark infested waters, and I`ll prepare a dish of Japanese Fugu for you.

...you have proven your qualities. Very enjoyable, even at the third read. Thank you. 5*

Other people saw her fuck his brother, not just once but many times. And as soon as her husband was 'dead', Beth started having his brother to her house late and night and he fucked her thrice per night right up until her husband came back home.

The lying whore had to lie when he returned from the 'dead'. Otherwise, she'd be thrown out on her ear.

I love the positive spin in your stories....

he is obviously injured. unconscious, head covered in blood, on a rock pile with aamnesia. We are told at the end he even had a bullet wound in his head. and yet no one thought to take him to get medical attention or report it to the police? and he works for months as a menial laborer while slowly building a business selling the same stone he loads to unknown buyers he has located by cell phone.

and then he gets another bump on the head and suddenly he is a powerful business owner with a wife who didn't really cheat on him (it was only one kiss.) and in 30 words or less it is all wrapped up with a bow on the conference room table?

credibility? none!

His wife has an affair with the guy who attempts to buy his business and he takes her back. What a dumb a$$ wimp.

I don't believe for a second that she wasn't cheating, and I'm sure she was involved in the murder plot.

Watch your back!

She takes a polygraph test before I decide anything.

what happened to stan, the only guy that took him in and helped him through all of the story?

...Beth fucked Jack and Jack fucked the hell out of Beth, both before and after Jeff's 'demise'. She had fucked him just that morning, before coming in to sell her husbands business and become rich.

I know it, you know it and everyone in the story knows it too, if only HDK would write part two..... ;)

I just re-read this, and now I'm not so sure she was cheating.

He mentioned in one of his memory flashes her looking at him sadly, yes, it could be her regret over her affair, but it could be as she said, sorrow that he saw the kiss.

There is apparently evidence that she hasn't been dating anyone, including Jack, so barring any evidence to the contrary, accusing her of an affair is unfair.

I would like to see some investigation into his attempted murder. It's fairly obvious that the shooter was in his car, so unfortunately can't tell us who hired him, probably Jack.

what happened to him ?? 1 more page is required please.

his memories of this go around

are better than the first time through.

and it is a good thing he doesn't realize just how much she screwed him over before he started to remember.

it is all a giant cluster f()k

I feel like I was dropped into a movie somewhere toward the end. We seem to be missing the whole buildup of the characters and everything.

Just a kiss? Nah can't be..

This story has too many blank spaces.

She was caught kissing the guy that was going to buy his business after he conveniently was "dead"?

Coincidence or conspiracy?

The phrase "sweetheart deal" comes to mind.

Someone went to a lot of trouble to set up his "death". The accident took some planning and skill. Was the other person who died also a part of the plot? How did it happen to occur just as he was on his way to drink away his woes? Whoever ordered the "hit" must have asked for some sort of proof the contract was fulfilled. And that totally inept hit man is still out there somewhere. Now that Steve has returned from the rock pile won't that be a bit worrisome to the two parties to the contract?

Didn't like the ending, it's not clear who set him up to die, the kid, the wife, or her "friend". but someone did. The carjacker might be the guy who died in the car or maybe no one died? I think the police should be involved. If they tried to kill him once they will try again. He is so fucked if he doesn't find out who!

This needs another chapter as the mystery is unraveled, the bad guys suffer, and he falls in love with the beautiful FBI agent who solves it all...........

Still one of the very finest examples of this genre. The story is compelling and is a complete story, something that is hard to achieve in the short story format.

Gotta wonder how long before Beth, Chad and/or Jack sets him up again...

So Jack didn't get to stick his cock into Beth? If he got a sloppy kiss, I would figure she would give him more. I kind of wonder. :)

5 *'s

Do you people even read the story? In order to set him up someone would have to know that he would catch the kiss. They would have to know how he would react and where he would go to do what he was going to do. To top it off, the supposed killers didn't stay to make sure they did the job.

I don't get why people can't take a story at face value.

Some of the folks that are slamming this story seem to have their heads up their ass. If they can do better, then they best get to doing it and show us all how much better of a writer they are than you.

the rules never apply to the Ruler, TK U MLJ LV NV

A good plot but not really a pure loving wives tale. It was well written and pleasantly descriptive but the wife theme was not very strong. The amnesia set up was more dramatic than the ending - kind of anticlimactic. Still 5!

great plot! should be a much longer story with more betrayal and treachery by his cheating wife culminating in a big repossesion of his company by him and his new work buddys and his new large breasted girlfriend.

thats what i think anyway!

i followed the whole story, but I got to "He pulled her into his arms as she laughed, and then kissed her." This is where I began to realize that the bereaved wife was anything but. She only kissed him, right. While he was shooting her husband.

I loved the story, I think it's my third read, but find a difficulty in understanding the ending. It's one thing to love your wife to no end, but to take her back after all that happened, like trying to kill him, was a bit too much for even me.

Steve Landers and John Deere are the same person. Steve had no brother! Beth had not been having sex with Steve/John's brother. The truck driver had seen Steve two years before when he was fat, had short hair, was pale. Now he runs into Steve/John and tells him he 'could be Steve's brother'. But he can't be Steve's brother because HE IS STEVE! I can't believe I am having to explain this. Suggestion: Re-read the story.

Personally, I think it is a finely written story, quite deserving of a 5-Star rating.

Expect the unexpected! Who gives a Fuck what mistakes there are? You watch NCIS.GIBBS SSAYS WE HAVE A DEAD MARINE IN FLORIDA? A SPLIT SECOND LATER THEY ARE AT THE CRIME SCENE IN FLORIDA? Does anyone complain NO! So no FUCKEN COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE STORY COPEESH (Can't spell) Love you all! GREG. OH 100 % OF READING ENJOYMENT BYE.

I'm a sucker for happy endings -- but until the last few paragraphs, I never picked up on the notion that he'd been shot.....

5 stars anyway....

The only bad part of the story, how did two good people have a scummy son?

Just wondering. He was a crucial story character and you dropped him like a hot potato. Maybe add an epilogue?

Actually, this sounded like the beginning of a much longer story! This is certainly an unfinished work!

from an otherwise good author.

Jack was charming her (no fault against her yet)... she was laughing from being charmed (still no fault)... he kissed her (if a stolen kiss she didn't want, why no slap...? No knee to the balls...? Doesn't matter because she said she "allowed" it. Now she has fault...)

She says she felt guilty THEN she saw her husband. Now we're in the gray. Do we trust her? She says she allowed the kiss, but what was she THINKING of allowing before the kiss (that she felt guilty for)...? Was she thinking of allowing sex? Fondling? Simple make out? Or JUST the kiss?

She felt bad for kissing him... and her son was bullying her... But she let him bully her into selling to the guy she was kissing that, as far as she knew, was what led to her husband's death...??? Yeah, I'm not so keen on that...

As to the conspiracy theorists... the husband was upset, his business is a blue collar place so could be in a questionable area (as compared to the middle of downtown or a residential area) so could easily have criminal elements around, ie carjackers...

The person who THOUGHT they'd killed him didn't make SURE they'd killed him (so not a pro), they got chased by the police and blew up the car on a tanker (why would the police chase them unless they were breaking the law? You know the law they were breaking wasn't carjacking or attempted murder or the police would have known he WASN'T in the car)...

And finally for me... the wife didn't seem upset enough for me... her husband is back from the dead, she faints, cries a little, and then is "are those muscles? Let's have sex."

How about some balling her eyes out that he isn't dead (because of her) and maybe (which she didn't know yet) wasn't planning on divorcing her...?

I figure he’s greatly rewarded? One can can assume that’s the case, I suppose.

Now, this “thug car-jacker”. He was just a car-jacker? Just happens to be there? Car jackers usually don’t drive several hours away, then try to eject a passenger? Even if he just robbed the liquor store and was using the car for getaway. Usually it’s: see the car, see the driver, “Get out of the car!”, “Give me the keys!”, “Get down on the ground” or “Run!”, then drive away. But now it’s kidnapping. The way it’s written it sounds too much like a “hit” by Chad and/or Jack.

Only page worth reading

He was given a second chance at life and family and he took it. It gave him a chance to find himself .

Did the bitch not cheat on him? Why was that not addressed? She was obviously

in bed with Jack to by out his business. You left alot of shit hanging in the breeze.

"Left her by herself"? - He was kidnapped, shot and left for dead, with no memory! He can hardly be held at fault for "leaving" her!

She tells him exactly what he wants to hear and he goes along - hook, lie and sinker. What a moron.

He almost fell in. It appears that Jack had stretched her out of shape for him from the fucking he had been giving her.

How can he sell several truck loads of stone in the summer and fall when he didn't think about it until September.How can a trucker think he looks familiar with his long hair and beard when his best friend didn't recognise him when he went home.

Althought it had a predictable ending it developed Steve's redeveloped image into the person he should have been. Nice use of a lost memory to rebuild a person who got swept away by his early ambitions. Was she fooling around? Yeah, but maybe her feeling had been ignored to the point that her needs weren’t being met by the man she remembered but couldn’t find until after he disappeared.

...Steve offered stan a job or bought him a new double wide. 5 stars. Thanx!

Loklie