Bad Faith

We had pretended since last night that it hadn't happened. It felt too awkward to bring up if she didn't do so first. Now I was relieved that she didn't want to ignore what we had done. "Yeah."

"God, I was kinda drunk. All I can remember is that it got carried away. And that I was scared, 'cause I started to like it."

"That's okay, Andy." I wrapped my arm around her shoulder. Secretly, I was jumping for joy.

"Things are starting to scare me, Soph. I read that book you gave me. I dunno if I understood all of it, but I think it was just what I meant. And it's scaring me." She paused. "Soph, can you just hold me?"

"Yeah, sure." I was becoming confused. She put her arms around my waist and rested her head against my chest.

"Remember when you told me about your first kiss?" She hugged me tighter. "Well, I know you think you know all about me, 'cause I talk so much, 'specially about myself. But I have a story I never tell anyone too. When I graduated from high school, everyone told me to stay on daddy's farm. That I didn't belong anywhere else. Then I got the scholarship and daddy said he couldn't keep me if I didn't want to stay. So I came here, to study biology so I could go to vet school. I have to take organic chemistry if I want to do that. And I had to drop it last semester 'cause I knew I wouldn't pass. So I'm in it again, and I got an F on the last test. I have to ace the final, and I don't think I can do that."

I was surprised she never told me about all this. I had to admit, though, that I was no different in hiding myself away. A tear dropped down my dress. What was I supposed to say? I knew she was smart and capable. But what could I offer besides a lame, "You can do it, Andy"? So I did.

"Thanks. It's just that I can't go back home if I don't. I'll just be a stupid country girl who thought she could do something more than she was made for."

I ran my hands up and down her back. "You're not a stupid country girl, Andy. I know it. You're smart. I mean, what stupid country girl reads Sartre on the weekend?"

"Shit, Soph. It ain't just that. The thing with Scott. I still feel bad about goin' crazy on you. And that bastard tonight. I don't even know why I got involved with these guys other than that I wanted a good screw. Then you start kissing me. I just don't know what the fuck is going on with my life right now."

"Nothing's going on. You're gonna forget about those pricks by tomorrow and you'll pass your chem final and you'll just keep being Andy, like always." I felt bad about saying that when I knew I had no idea if that would actually happen. But I couldn't bear to see Andy so upset. And what else could I say? It seemed as if this could be a self-fulfilling prophesy - if I told her she would be all right, she would be. Maybe that's all that was needed.

"Yeah, I hope so." More droplets fell down my dress. I held her tight and stroked the back of her neck. "You know, Soph, you're the only one I could tell this stuff to. I talk so much, but I can't say anything important unless you're around to hear it."

Andy seemed to be coming apart in my arms. I didn't realize she trusted me so much. Maybe our problems weren't so different. "Did you, you know, fool around with that guy because of what happened last night?"

"I'm straight. I just needed to remind myself."

"It's okay. I mean, I tried to get myself off to naked guys on the internet. Kinda the same thing."

"I'm not a lesbian!" The words were rather surreal coming from Andy's mouth.

"I dunno, I was just saying it's okay."

She picked her head up from my chest. "Soph, what's this all about? I thought you liked that Eric guy."

"I, uh, kinda made that up." I paused. Did I dare let her know? "You're that Eric guy."

"You...you're attracted to me? Is that why you've been acting so funny recently?"

"Yeah." Everything was up to her now.

"Well, it's fine if you like girls. No reason to bottle it up and start acting weird about it."

I leaned against her chest. She was holding me now. "That's not it, Andy. It's not whether I like girls or guys. It's hard to explain. You're just the first person I've..." I paused. "..The first person I've ever wanted to be with."

I didn't know what that meant, but I hoped she did. "Can you understand that?" I whispered.

"I'm not sure. I mean, I like you, but not like that. Not like you mean."

Being in Andy's arms, having her comfort me, was only making me want her more. I felt sleazy again. It was just an innocent embrace between friends and here I was getting aroused by it.

"You said you liked kissing me, though." I threw her line back at her. "Well, it's fine if you like girls, Andy. You don't have to be a lesbian. Everyone's a little gay, a little bisexual, like Kinsey said."

"Geez, Soph, where's all this coming from?"

I kissed the bare skin right above her neckline. "There's a lot more you don't know about me, Andy." My lips moved up toward her neck.

"Fuck, don't do that. I'm drunk and horny as it is. That bastard didn't even get me off."

I just kept kissing her neck.

"Shit, that feels nice." She pressed my head against her. "That's sad, you know, 'cause it's already more foreplay than I usually get. Most guys just wanna play with my tits."

Her comment filled me with heat. The little virgin girl was turning her on. "Show me how to kiss again." It was an order more than a request. I pushed my lips against hers. All I could taste was alcohol but it didn't matter to me. What did was that we started kissing like we had last night.

After a minute or two, I pulled back. I couldn't be happy with just making out tonight. "I wanna go further than kissing, Andy. If you're all right with it."

She looked me over. "Jesus, Soph. Your nipples are so hard you're gonna break outta your dress."

I glanced down. Although I lacked Andy's endowment, to say the least, my nipples loved to draw attention to my chest. Usually, they were just annoyances in cold weather, but now I smiled because they made it clear how much I wanted Andy. Then I felt her fingers tug on the zipper of my dress.

"I think you'd feel better if you weren't so gussied up," she said. I sat still, surprised that she had now taken the initiative. The zippers on my boots came undone as well. She soon pulled them from my feet. "Come on, get up. Let's get that big ol' dress off."

She stood me up. Her hands pushed the dress straps off my shoulder and pushed down. The dress fell from my body, leaving me in just my panties.

"I need someone tonight, Soph. Right now, you're the best for me."

I had no idea what was going through her mind, but I didn't care. Andy was going to make love to me. Arousal swept over me as she lay me back down on my bed. As we kissed, she pulled at the waistband of my panties. I moaned.

"It's such a shame. That no one's made love to a sweet little girl like you. Hold on." She got up and walked over to her bed. When she returned, she was holding a dildo with a strap hanging off it. She laughed. "It was a gag gift. I never used it all that much, but I kinda liked the idea of having a penis that wasn't attached to a boy."

I just stared at the rubber penis, waiting for Andy to continue. She held the tip right at my entrance. "You never done this before, right?" she asked.

"Never."

"Tell me if it hurts. But I think you'll like this." The dildo sunk in, filling me up. The feeling was strange at first, but I quickly came to enjoy it. She gently moved the dildo in and out.

"Touch my clit, too." Her finger pressed against my button. In mere moments, she had me close to orgasm. I said goodbye to my old friends. My fingers had done the trick for years, but they paled in comparison to the feeling of the dildo inside of me. My sheets had been nice, but they couldn't match Andy's touch.

The rubbing and thrusting grew faster until I couldn't handle any more. I grabbed onto her arm, my hands moving with her motions. The great release came. My lips convulsed around the rubber cock. I shook and grunted with pleasure. Letting Andy control my body, my orgasm, was so different, yet so incredible.

She kept going. My pussy became too sensitive as the orgasm ended. "Please, no more," I panted.

"You came already, didn't you?" She smiled at me. "It is nice to have someone do that for you, isn't it?"

I sat up, the dildo still lodged in me. I gave her a deep kiss. We both panted when it broke. "That was amazing, Andy. Now I wanna fuck you."

"What?"

"I wanna make love to you. I wanna fuck you." I pulled the dildo from my pussy. I stood up and put my legs through the harness. "Just pretend I'm a boy who wants to fuck you. Maybe it'll help you feel more comfortable with this. So just do what you usually do."

"All right. Well, first, I usually get them hard like this." She took the dildo into her mouth and started sucking on it. Watching her do this made me smile. Now I had what I needed to fuck her. I had acquired that penis I so desired.

She let the dildo go. "Then they play with my pussy a little to get me wet." I stood her up so I could take off her tank top and skirt. She had nothing on underneath. I reached for her slit. My thumb pressed against her clit and my index and middle fingers penetrated her. She was already moist.

"Oh, Soph, I'm good. Just put it in. I want it in me."

I pushed her back onto the bed. The plastic rod sunk into her with ease. Her lip quivered as it happened, a tiny moan escaping her mouth. I tried sliding in and out, very slowly. More soft vocalizations from her open lips. "Harder."

I gave a forceful thrust. "Oh, shit!" she yelled, her face contorting. That only drove me to repeat my motion. Andy was making those noises I had heard through our door right into my ear. Despite the fact that I was only getting a little stimulation from the strap-on rubbing against my mound, my arousal was returning. If I made believe hard enough, I could feel what it was like to be inside Andy, the rubber attached to me turning to flesh.

Beside that one little detail, though, my fantasy had come true. Her expression was the same one she wore in my mind as she lost herself in pleasure. Now I had captured Andy in the same way all her previous lovers had.

Her breasts bounced wildly on her chest, reminding me that I had her entire body to explore. I slowed down a bit so I could grab her tits and hold them still. Her stiff nipples stuck out from the ring made by my index fingers and thumbs. My mouth watered. I took each one between my lips so many times. Suckling, teasing, nursing.

She just kept repeating, "Oh shit!" The tone was a strange mixture of confusion and utter arousal, as if she were in disbelief about what I was doing to her. A touch of doubt nagged at me. She had revealed how she needed me emotionally. But I wanted her to tell me - no, to admit - that she needed me sexually.

I let the dildo sit inside her and popped my lips off her breasts. "Doesn't it feel good when I suck on your tits?"

"Mmm," she hummed.

"Doesn't my cock feel good in your pussy?"

"Mmm, yeah. Don't stop."

"Tell me you need me, Andy. Tell me you need me to fuck you."

She pulled my head up from her chest. Her hands guided my lips to hers. A deep kiss, even deeper than the ones we had started with. When it broke, she stared me down. I found it impossible to read her expression. If only I could know what that face was meant to say.

I drove into her pussy hard, just once, for effect. "Please, Andy, say it." I drew the skin on her neck into my mouth. Though she had responded to my request with a kiss, I somehow remained insecure.

She laughed. "You fuck like a horny little boy."

"Huh?" I froze. After all this, had I proven to be an inadequate lover?

Without warning, she had stood us both up on our knees. The dildo popped out of her. Her hands rested on my shoulders. "Don't you remember what I said?"

"What?"

"You're what I need. So stop playing at being a boy. Just be Sophie." Her hands reached down to unsnap the strap on the harness. "You don't need this to have sex with me."

Watching the rubber penis fall from my hips was epiphanic. Even though we had gotten this far - openly and wildly making love - I had still found a mask to hide behind. A persona, as the Greeks would have called it.

"I didn't ask for a boy. I asked for you." She kissed my neck. "Sophia." Her lips moved upward. "Helena." And again. "Moreau."

Her last kiss struck right below my ear. Disarmed, I shivered. I hadn't even realized she knew my middle name. Something warm and slippery touched the skin on my leg.

"Now make me cum with your pussy. I really do need it." She pulled the two of us flat onto the bed. The way she straddled my leg caused me to slip forward until I felt her heat against mine. This time, we both shook in each other's arms. This felt so much better than the dildo.

Lost in desire for Andy, I wasted no time in fulfilling her request. As I pressed my pussy against hers, our clits rubbed together. Another "Oh, shit!" But this time it was one that signaled the loss of control. Her lips convulsed against mine. One of her arms pulled me by my back so that my face met hers. The other groped my ass, pushing my hips into hers. She held me there. Though she lay still, her body vibrated against mine, percussive ripples flowing outward into me.

This alone was overwhelming, but knowing that I had caused it was mind-blowing. My own orgasm was about to hit.

"Oh shit." Then the hand on my ass held my hips still. "Stop, please."

"Andy, what are you doing?"

"Shit, sorry, it's just when I cum that hard, it gets too sensitive. You know?"

"Yeah..." The arm that pinned my hips was torturing me. My clit sat right against her lips. I didn't want to hurt her, but I needed to release. And I wanted to do it so bad right on her pussy, like she had cum on mine. Knowing that I had gotten her off so well was only making my situation worse.

"Sorry, I'm just so close," I whispered.

"I know. Just a little a bit of rest. Then it'll be fine. Just a few..." she said as she yawned. Her eyelids closed. "...moments of rest."

A snore came from her open mouth. "Andy?" I made a futile attempt.

I felt alone all of a sudden. I thought we would make love all night. Or at least that I'd get one more release. Then I remembered what Andy had said earlier. She could barely recall last night. She wasn't even sure if it had been real. And she was drunk again tonight. The thought of waking up tomorrow began to overwhelm me. What if she blacked out completely? And then freaked out when she found herself sleeping in my bed?

I was afraid to let tonight end. I wanted my Andy back. Her breath came from her open mouth and blew hot against my neck. I put my lips over hers. Her eyelids just barely opened as she moaned.

When I pulled back, I asked, "Andy, will you remember?"

"Yeah, of course," she mumbled as her eyes shut and her arms held me tight to her chest. She probably had no idea what I was talking about, but it felt reassuring nonetheless. Her hold loosened on me as she fell asleep again. My grip on my fears loosened as well. As they flew, my base desires rushed back to the front of my mind. I was still on the verge of orgasm. Just a few tiny motions against Andy made me shudder in her arms.

-

I woke up with Andy's thigh between mine and her breasts in my face. I was still dripping wet. My pussy seemed to be insatiable. I already woke up once in the middle of the night and had to calm myself down by giving it what it wanted. Shit, just one little taste of real sex and I was going crazy.

I wanted to give Andy a special wake-up call, though. Making her cum last night had given me a feeling I hadn't known existed. It was nice to know that my hands were good for more than just getting myself off. I swung my arm off the bed and groped around on the floor for the dildo.

I wanted to see her wake up as she was overcome with pleasure. I wanted to make her body tremble against mine, to make her skin flush, to make her voice weak. My hands caressed her clit and her lips. They were so careful, so gentle. Her lips twitched against my fingers. Her legs started to move back and forth in time to my motion.

After a few minutes, I heard, "Uh...tickles."

I looked up to see Andy's eyes opening. I smiled. "Morning."

"Oh, Soph, shit, ah, you're really doing that."

"Why wouldn't I be?" A wave of moisture rushed over my fingers. I pushed the tip of the dildo into her entrance.

She let out a yelp. "I just, oh, had a dream. About us. You. Uh. Doing things to me."

"Sounds like a good dream," I said, fucking her full-on now.

"Please, Soph," she mumbled between moans. "Stop. If you keep that up, I'm gonna-"

The last word of the sentence was replaced by a long grunt. Her lips wobbled as if she were trying to hold it in but couldn't. I loved the way she shook against me. It made my pussy slap against her thigh, which I had started rubbing on.

"Fuck," she panted as her orgasm wound down. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" She slammed her fist into the bed. Her tone seemed more angry than aroused.

"Is something wrong?"

"I can't believe it. I'm a fucking lesbian. Or bi-sexual, or something. Shit. What are they gonna say back home?"

I thought about my parents again, grousing about grandchildren and teenage rebellion. Then I imagined Andy's parents. No doubt the churchgoing kind that would tell her what she did wasn't natural. Screw that. What the hell would they know about Andy and me? Nothing.

Andy growled. "I'm not a lesbian! I can't be." I couldn't stop myself from giggling at those words coming from her mouth instead of mine. She slapped her hand over her mouth when she realized what she had said.

Seeing Andy going through the same thing I had over the last few days seemed to give me strength. That was it, I thought, they knew nothing. We didn't have to tell anyone about this right away. And even if it came out at some point, maybe no one would care as much as we thought they would.

I put my arms around her shoulders. "It's okay. Don't you remember what Sartre said?"

She was looking off into the distance. "What?"

"'I am never any one of my attitudes, any one of my actions.' You're not a lesbian or straight. Or a stupid little country girl, or a college student. You're just Andy. Anything else would be bad faith." I pecked her cheek. "And Andy's all right by me."

I saw a droplet forming in her eye. "Oh, Soph. Keep holding me tight." She rolled toward me and nuzzled her face against my chest. As her head moved downward, it seemed as if she were shrinking, becoming more childlike every second. Holding her there made me feel that we were stuck together now, as if ever moving apart would be impossible. And unwanted.

We stayed like that for who knows how long - until Andy came up for air. "No one's held me like that since I was a little girl." Little patches of skin on her cheeks glistened. Her lips quivered, seemingly torn between a smile and a frown.

I pulled back the strands of hair sticking to her face. Her expression completely overwhelmed me. What I felt was so strong it had to be more than infatuation. It was so strong that it scared me a little, just because I hadn't expected it.

Andy pressed her lips against mine. I yielded to her advance and, after a few moments, lost myself in her again.

After some time, she rolled on top of me. "I can feel how turned on you are right on my leg, Soph. I've been keeping you horny all this time, haven't I?"

"Well, uh, sorry, I, uh..."

"Nothing to be ashamed of. I know the first time I found a boy who knew what he was doing and got fucked proper, I wanted to go all night." She nibbled my earlobe and tongued my ear. "You know, gettin' a girl worked up gets me worked up too, when I think about it. 'Cause I wasn't even tryin' to do it."